Help Me with My 2 Year Old Acting Out.

hitting and biting should be an automatic time out no saying stop or no just pick her up and shut her in her room. Let her scream all she wants you can go in and remind her that the timer will not start until she stops crying and screaming. In my house hitting or biting also means the loss of a favorite toy for awhile. I love the discipline book by dr. sears, the successful child book by dr. sears, and I also like 1-2-3 magic we purchased that book from our pediatrician's office and its great. I also suggest watching the super nanny! She is full of great ideas and tips.

Edited: So sorry Molly but things that are severe like biting and hitting require an automatic time out and I've found that time outs work best if the child goest to their room for it then they scream all they want and they aren't getting any reaction you don't have to deal with putting them back on in a seat and wouldn't you know my children don't bite or hit because biting and hitting aren't things you tell them to stop doing you "we don't hit time out" pick them up and put them in whatever spot you do your time out for us bedrooms work best then they aren't getting teased or bothered by the other sibling they don't destroy the entire house, they won't hurt themselves as they throw themselves on the floor because the bedrooms are the only carpeted rooms in our home and the list of why I use a bedroom for time outs goes on.

We do a combination of Dr. Sears and 1-2-3 Magic.

Sounds like she needs time with her mother - not daycare providers. Your little boy is taking attention that used to be hers, and she is demanding attention from daycare providers who have other children to tend to. Having been one of the parents whose well-behaved children were neglected at daycare because of this exact scenario, please condsider that this is just not fair to the other children and parents, not to mention driving good people away from the daycare profession. If you can't take time from work, have you considered a nanny?

She sounds very frustrated. You may need to carry her around and spend more time with her. She sounds very upset.

I agree with Molly's advice. Obviously you cannot let your child hit and bite others, but putting her in time out may just increase her frustration and make her act out more. I don't use time out. If DD hits or pushes, I attend to the other child and then DD is removed from the situation, but not punatively, and I tell her why and when she feels she is ready to rejoin she rejoins.

2 is still practically a baby. And now yours is suddenly displaced by a very needy baby. She is also probably picking up on your stress and exhaustion (which I imagine you have if you have recently returned to work). It's a big adjustment for everyone in the family. She is acting out and does need understanding and reassurance that she is not being replaced. This does not mean you will let her go about being violent and just talk about it. It means she needs more time and understanding from you so she can feel secure with her place in the family and she needs you to teach her how to act appropriately. I second the recommendation of the Harvey Karp book.

My DD is 2.5. She's recently gotten to a point where she can restrain herself from grabbing toys away from others. But before we got here she would tell me over and over about how she took the toy from whoever. She seemed pleased with herself when she was telling me. To me, it seemed that she was trying to process it, not that she was boasting her pride in her behavior. We'd discuss it whenever she'd bring it up, remind her of the rule. I always reminded her of the rule before being with other kids, etc. She got it. Your DD may be doing the same thing by seeming "proud" of hitting. She isn't proud of it, I don't think. She needs a lot of consistent reminders that that is not appropriate behavior. Discipline is about teaching, not punishment.

Though she may know something is wrong, by telling you sorry or time out, knowing it is wrong and being able to restrain herself from the behavior are completely different. She is still very young and still of an age that she needs a lot of help to control her impulses. So if you can recognize triggers (tiredness, craziness with the kids, hunger, whatever) then those should be removed to minimize the times when she will act out. You need to help her to act appropriately.

As re: the biting herself. I would ignore that. If it is just normal attention seeking behavior and you treat it like, oh we don't do that (but without alarm) then it should stop. I read one book where the guy talked about a toddler who was ripping her hair out. Every time she did the mother freaked out and tried to stop her. He said, the message being conveyed to the child was "this is really important" so the child continued to do it. However, if the mother had simply ignored, or where you can't igore and need to teach the rule then reminded without a lot of emotion, and then move on as if it didn't happen, then the child would move on before long. I have used that technique with a lot of undesirable behaviors. Different things work for different kids, obviously, but it may be worth a try.

I find that when DD is acting out the most, it is because she is getting the least attention from me and DH. So maybe try adding in some special time regularly with her (hard I know with a tiny baby!), maybe that will help address some of her needs for reassurance.

Have you spoken to your pedi?

It seems like there could be something more to it than you may realize. Do kids really bite themselves & cause themselves pain just for fun? Hmm. Maybe something medical could be askew. Or what is really going on in the daycare? 2 year-olds do hit, push & your girl sound very smart... so I'd look into the reasons why, and correct those while you continue to work on discipline. If nothing truly is wrong, just continue with the discipline and she'll get there :)

PS
I notice my dd is a little more wild lately, and I have to admit it coincides with the stress we feel (impending job loss). It is hard to not yell.. but could there be something you're doing with out realizing it(read: like I do)?

Hi

Having read the other responses, I just want to say that this is not your fault and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Yes, you do need to work on getting the behavior under control. But the insinuations that its something that you did by having another baby, going back to work, not giving her enough attention, etc seems totally unfair to me. With a two year old, a 3 month old, a husband and possibly a job, your hands are totally full, so there's no way you're going to be supermom. (She doesn't exist anyway).

I'm not sure I have a lot of practical advice, but I support the idea that you should ignore her behavior whenever it's not hurting someone else's body or feelings because that is solely attention-seeking behavior. Alternately, do make sure that she's getting positive attention whenever possible. I don't think that means carrying her around all the time, but finding new opportunities for praise. You could try "Wow! You haven't yelled at me or hit me for a whole half an hour, and see how much fun we've been having? I'm so proud of you." Of course that's what she "should" be doing, but she doesn't know that yet.

And I think that you should stick with the time out. It doesn't seem to me problematic that she's putting herself there. Sometime you'll be somewhere (friend's house, dinner table, etc) and she'll do something timeout worthy and she won't want to be there. If you've been consistent, she'll know that's the consequence and it will feel punishing. I don't believe in any kind of corporal punishment at all, but children do need to know that there are some behaviors that are simply unacceptable.

Finally (wow, I guess I do have a lot to say about this!), children are not simply small adults. They don't have the same brain development and ways of perceiving the world. Of course you should be teaching her sharing, but she's not gonna get it for a while. Same thing with empathy. When she hits you say "Don't hit me. That hurts my body and makes me sad." Hearing it over and over will help her get it. But punishment will help her to stop it long before she hits that cognitive milestone.

Good luck!

Hi..I don't know if this will help you but it helped us. We got a video and book called Happies Toddler on the Block by Dr Harvey Karp..we also used his Happies Baby on the Block. Our daughter is 15 months and we had a similar problem with her biting her hand and pulling her hair when she was upset. Also we have recently had trouble with her saying no and having temper tantrums. Dr Karps ideas are great..i thought they were a little odd at first but they work so well.
I'm glad we got the video so i can see exactly what he's saying to do...the book is good for background info but the video really shows you how it works.
Good luck! :)

It sounds like she is acting out to get attention. Try to give her positive attention as much as you can and ask your daycare provider to stay close to her and try this technique. From what I have studied in Early childhood development and read since becoming a parent, body closeness is the best preventative strategy with toddlers. More time needs to be spent preventing the problem. And if possible during this extra time and attention before any behavior starts look what the cause or antecendent to the behavior is. I would also be as nonchalant when she does act out and say " that is not OK" use time out and then when your child is finished ask them if they know why they were in time out. Also make sure the child who is hurt gets more attention and that your daughter looks at how she hurt someone. Keep the negative attention short and sweet with no change in your demeanor. They tend to learn their behavior has power and then keep doing it. Remember if you try one part or all parts of this that children will usually act worse at first(up to 2 weeks) keep trying!! Hope this is helpful.

Hi C. - I am a FT working wife/mom with a 3 1/2 year old and a 12 month year old. I feel your pain! I am sure you are an amazing mom and doing your very best, so disregard any preachy advice or negative comments. Be patient with yourself and hang in there. This sounds a LOT like my son when he was that age... at 3 1/2 we're still struggling somewhat, but it's gotten SO much better. I've also heard that the Harvey Karp book (Happiest Toddler on the Block) is very good... also, I highly recommend Raising Your Spirited Child - lots of great tips, suggestions, and info on how/why certain behaviors present.

Time outs ate okay, and for us they work better now that our son is older, at 2 they were almost impossible. Positive reinforcement is key - PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE good behavior. Redirecting is also huge, particularly if you can pick up on cues and respond BEFORE something happens. biting is a very normal & age appropriate behavior, some kids do it, some don't. And biting to the point of leaving a mark... NOT hard to do at all and always looks worse than it feels. Also, we've worked hard from age 2 on to put words onto feelings so that our son can express frustration without acting out - granted, it doesn't mean he doesn't act out, but it helps, and he's learning how to identify frustration, anger, etc. and talk about his feelings.

I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose it when dealing with his meltdowns etc... and those are the times I'm learning to walk away instead of engaging with him. Not to 'let him get away' with his behaviors, but adding fuel to the fire doesn't help. Modelling the behaviors we want to see is dire. Although, we're not perfect and we screw up sometimes... Just know, this is a phase, and some kids are just this way. Try the books and take it easy on yourself. Make sure you get a break now and then to recharge your own batteries. Especially now that you have an infant, I'm sure you realize how fast this all goes!!

Best of luck!! J.

Hi C.,
Whatever the reason for the behavior (new baby, jealousy, frustration...)it is still unacceptable. I understand people wanting to take the soothing "let's talk it out" aproach, but this sounds like some pretty serious behavior that needs to end. Especially if this child is in daycare. You may be able to be very patient and understanding with her, but no doubt your daycare provider and the other parents will get really fed up after a while and they will not be as patient, especially if it is disruptive to the daycare. I know that she is only two but kids do get kicked out of daycares and preschools for this kind of behavior. If she is laughing at your timeouts then stop using that method. It's obviously not working. Does she have a favorite toy or activity? A favorite kids program? Next time she does this warn her that she is about to have (something specific) taken away. If she continues, then follow through. This worked really well with my kids. I used to put the toy in sight so that every time they walked by they would ask about it and I would explain why it ended up there. It was a constant reminder. I would take it for a full 24 hrs. and ONLY if their behavior improved would they get it back. Good luck!

Hi ! Could it be your new addition to the family ? Does she help out with her new sibling ? I am a teacher with toddler ages from 18 mths. - 3 yrs. old . Umm, do you spend quality time with her one on one and daddy time too ? She was there first, remember that. Us as moms have a hard time, we are wives, mommies, then who is last ? It's usually us. do something cute for her like let's get our nails done together , or let her pick out a rental and make popcorn or her favorite snack when baby is asleep . Take her shopping...etc. play outside, take her to the park with the baby stroller , so you can take both, or make daddy come too .

It's hard I know, now the biting part, don't give her attention, if she is biting herself it will not damage her severely, it will heal in one week or more. It's difficult to watch your little girl hurt herself I know this, but honestly she is only doing it for attention. she cannot explain to you how it hurts her to see love given to another child, she is 2 . Only two. Make it terrific not terrible two's as people have given two year olds bad reps. : (
It is a very frustrating age. No vocabulary, well, not enough. Knows some good versesand the bad = attention and all eyes and focus on me now. so they love it ! I have a classroom full of toddlers and they are very hard to deal with some days. Most days they are a delight to have and see every day !!

Hang in there, if push comes to shove, take things away from her and if she laughs, sit her down in a special thinking chair that she needs to sit there, hold her down gently, make a straight and upset face, talk to her, only in two sentences. Children her age cannot focus on many words all together especially when we are upset at them. Give her small chores as in can you bring mommy the baby's diaper or a wipe ?
Do not bribe her as in saying, if you do this or behave this way in school, I will buy you a new toy. No...that way she is learning only to get something good, I have to do this but, really why ? Ask and tell her if she bites or hits again at school, there will be consequences later at home, as in no tv or no special snack, no park on the weekends . Whatever it takes to let her know what she is doing is harmful to others and to herself and it makes mommy and daddy sad to see boo boo's on her arms or hands.
I wish you the best ! Let me know how all works out.