Hello. I'm brand new to this community so I'd first like to introduce myself. I'm a 39 year old mother of a 15 year old son (soon to be 16). Shortly after thanksgiving I found some text exchanges between him and an on again/off again girlfriend he's had since August. Basically, he confided to her at some point that he was depressed and had debated suicide. He saved several text exchanges between them when they were arguing, and she said to him " I shouldn't have talked you out of killing yourself, you are worthless, quit whining about suicide and just do it. You're nothing more than a loser ". I had a long talk with my son who admitted to depression, twice debated suicide, and admitted cutting himself several times. I stressed how much he was loved, immediately got him into talk therapy, and stressed that someone who truly cares for you would NEVER tell you to harm yourself, and that in fact it is a crime to provoke someone into harming themselves. Therapy has seemed to help his mood a bit but he is still talking to the girl. I was afraid to forbid him from talking to her in fear he would go off the deep end. I asked why he would want to continue speaking to someone who said such visible things to you. ...his response was " I'm a forgiving person and I think everyone deserves a second chance." They have only been in three social settings together and do not see each other outside of school. I have since found out that last year this "girlfriend" had encouraged two other boys to begin cutting to help with their depression, and if that doesn't help to commit suicide. I had hoped my son would move on from her but they continue to talk and he professes his love to her daily. Most recently I saw several texts he sent to a friend saying he puts his girlfriends life before his and that he would die for her. This is just crazy to me and I need serious help here! ! I am open to ANY advice on what to do here, this is making me crazy. Thank you so much! !
Thank you for the replies so far! I did contact our family doctor right away, and my son is seeing a therapist or Sr recommended. I anonymously called the school counselor and was told there really was nothing they could do at school since these texts were sent outside of school hours. I agree with calling her parents, & I did attempt to call 3 times with no answer. We live in a very small community, I have 6 friends who are middle school and high school teachers. They are familiar with the family and the family dynamics, & I was advised to not be surprised if I were run off their property and that the parwnts likely would not believe what I had to say.
You go to a mental health professional and say:
"My son has told friends he is suicidal. He has been cutting himself. I fear for his life. Please help me get him admitted into inpatient care so he won't succeed."
Do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not do anything but get this child admitted to a hospital where they will put him on antidepressants and start him in therapy to find out why he needs to put her ahead of him so much.
dang, that's scary as hell.
i think you're handling it well. i'd have suggested all the steps you've taken.
i sure wish he'd cut off contact with her, but i agree with you that forbidding it would be shooting yourself in the foot.
monitor all of his communications ruthlessly, though. don't hesitate to get him into a facility if you or his therapist see one iota of escalation.
call the suicide prevention hotline and ask them for advice.
good luck, hon.
:( khairete
S.
Oh what a familiar road! Our daughter started harming herself last year, we were completely in the dark. Once she admitted what had been happening, we realized her circle of friends were all depressed, dramatic and coping the same way. It is this generation's method of coping when they actually listened to their parents preach about drinking and drugs. I never could've imagined my daughter would do something worse than drinking and drugs. She is receiving professional counseling and is on antidepressants. We've seen a complete turn around. We were also terrified of removing her from her friends, they didn't encourage her or say the completely criminally insane things your boys GF said, that definitely needs to be reported to someone btw, but we thought it would drive her further down the spiral of depression. Now that she is pretty much back to normal, we had to ground her last weekend and she LIKED spending time with us! Go figure!
Hang in there, get the help you can and tell your son you love him.
It sounds like you have taken admirable steps to intervene. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and my heart breaks for your son, to be this sad, and yet to be so willing to resume contact with this girl.
I live in Massachusetts and the case mentioned below is all over the news. Here's just one link: http://6abc.com/news/prosecutors-teen-girl-encouraged-boy... The trial is ongoing now.
I understand that you feel you should not prevent your son from seeing this girl, lest you drive him closer. That may be true, but you might consider blocking her texts from his phone. If she has anything to say to him, why can't she say it to his face? Mostly, kids won't do that - they prefer the anonymity of texting, and often say all kinds of things because they are protected by the cyber barrier.
I guess I would suggest you explore this - if this is a criminal issue (as evidenced by the girl being on trial in Massachusetts), isn't it potentially criminal where you live? What action would you take if you observed other criminal behavior or threats in any other area? How would you feel if another kid committed suicide due to her urging? I suggest you discuss this with the police. Your son does not have to know - and should not know. If she is encouraging other boys to do the same thing, she needs at least as much therapy as your son. Maybe she needs charges filed against her. Since these actions occurred outside of school, it's a police issue/DA issue and up to them to decide what needs to be done. A visit from the police to her or her parents might make a difference and convince them that this is not harmless. I suspect a discussion between the authorities and the school might convince the school of potential liability here for doing nothing.
Meantime, of course your son needs more help since he values her life more than his own and so on. Please take whatever actions your counselor recommends, and just as with medical issues, consider a second opinion to get an agreed-upon course of action. You are your son's greatest advocate and the only one making rational decisions right now. Do what you have to for him to be protected.
Definitely call the school counselor and make an appointment. That person is on campus to support the well-being of the kids, and he/she should know what your son has been through and that he is seeing a therapist. I would also tell the counselor about the girlfriend and what you have heard about her. You can do this without your son even knowing if you think that's better.
I would also consider getting the girl's parents involved but it's a little late for that, the alarming texts she sent came in several months ago so now you'd just be alerting them to old news and the rest is just hearsay you learned about her. So I think making the school counselor aware is more important at this stage.
I'm a school counselor and I have seen this before- depressed moody teens find other depressed moody teens to wallow around with and then they egg each other on, or even compete for who is more depressed or who has more "issues". They think no one understands them but each other, they don't fit in anywhere but with each other, and in reality that is not true and not healthy.
My last advice is that you insist your son get involved in some healthy activities (he can choose) that will surround him with positive, life-affirming kids. And yes I said insist. If he already has a few of these, up the involvement. Any way you can steer him into surrounding himself by more productive stable peers. Get him busy and keep him busy.
In this case I wouldn't forbid so much as keep him so busy that he doesn't have a lot of time for her.
Get him involved in taekwondo, or a sport or other activity.
He'll have a chance to meet new friends (and new girls).
She'll get bored eventually and move on.
Keep up with the therapy.
As a psychologist, I would encourage you to seek a psychiatric consult for psychopharmacologic intervention to supplement the psychotherapy. As for the girl, she should be reported to school administration. Your son is under 18 so you have the right as a parent to remove his phone, computer etc. to prevent additional contact with her.
You need to get him in to see a therapist, maybe a psychiatrist, NOW. Call your son's doctor for a referral, preferrably one who specializes in depression in kids/teens. Do NOT wait, take care of this right away.
Aside from any other advice that people might have given about this or perhaps in addition to? I would of course add therapy if you can afford it and definitely call any social workers or counselors at school. And pretty immediately mention the girl who is encouraging him/them to do this. She herself sounds like she is on the line of severe depression and maybe needs help.
1. I would talk to the school counselor if she has a habit of encouraging self-harm among the boys at school.
2. I would talk to the counselor about the concerns you have with your son and his seeming inability to determine when someone deserves a second chance in his life or when someone is detrimental to his health. Therapy often takes a while, so if he's just started sometime around Thanksgiving, then this is just the start of a probable long road.
What you need to do is keep calling her parents. Go down to her house and have a chat with her parents. Make sure you bring your sons phone, or screenshots, or whatever you need for proof. Talk to your son. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you love him and only want what's best for him and that you don't feel comftorable with him dating this girl after what she did. Make sure he knows your opinions and thoughts, but don't make him feel like you are forcing him to do anything as it could end up making his depression worse. I hope I helped and good luck!
I would let her parents know she is doing this and probably the police,too.
Lots of good advice below. I want to add: Have you told your son's therapist about this girl? Shown the therapist these texts? Don't depend on your son to tell his therapist about this. He may not mention it or may be painting this girl in the best possible light. The therapist needs to know about this and I would not rely on son to convey what is really going on--it sounds like your son would protect this girl above all else.
You also need immediate advice from a mental health professional on whether or not to block this girl's contact; I agree that my instinct too would be like yours: "If I cut him off from her it might be worse and not better." But you need to talk to a professional about it -- today. Don't delay. This girl is poison. The idea that she has played this game with other depressed boys is simply nauseating and terrifying as well. But you need a clear-eyed, objective mental health professional like your son's therapist to come up with some specific steps for you to take here. Those steps may or may not include blocking her from texting or taking his devices. But don't try to do this all alone -- get help yourself.
Please come back and update us later. Let us know what you did and how your son is doing. I tend to agree with Gamma that your son may need inpatient treatment where he's in a hospital setting and therefore cut off from this girl's influence while also getting therapy daily and medications as well. Weekly talk therapy may not be enough right now and he might need the jump-start of inpatient treatment. Please don't let the thought of "He'll miss school" etc. prevent you from doing whatever is needed. Talk to his therapist yourself. I know the therapist is your son's and not yours, but I also have friends with a teen in therapy and I know those parents have had to tell the therapist about things going on at home and in school that the teen wouldn't get into during the therapy sessions.
