HELP My 2 Year Old Is Turning into a BRAT!

you didn't say what discipline you and your dh use(d) prior to dd going to your in-laws... but it sounds like there needs to be more consistency. but first off, her behavior is NORMAL! she is testing her limits and what she can get away with. this is such a hard time for little guys... their emotions are going crazy, their bodies, and they are learning so much... it's hard to handle! i know my daughter has many "break downs" a day... it's hard to handle! she is 28 months old.

i agree with the timeouts... decide what is most important (for us it's hitting, kicking, biting, throwing) and give timeouts. 1 warning is appropriate at this age. and timeouts should be # minutes= # age... so 2 minutes at this age. talk about this with in-laws... it needs to be consistent across the board. your daughter will get the idea soon. my dd goes so far as to tell me her toy needs to go in time out b/c it was going to hit her. don't get me wrong she still TESTS her limits a great deal! playdates are horrible right now, because she pushes and fights over toys... i'm hoping this will pass if i'm consistent.

oh yeah, i forgot to say that there are times that i do NOT give a warning... for example if she hits me or her daddy in the face.. that is UNACCEPTABLE and i give an automatic timeout. I think it is okay to have 1 or 2 things that you have an automatic timeout policy for...

also, my dd still gets up and tries to run around during timeout... 1/2 the time i end up sitting with her and holding her there. i do my best to not make eye contact and make it no fun.

another thing... i remember hearing that when you use time-out. LET the time-out be the discipline. In other words, once they're "served" their time... quickly tell them why they had a timeout (no lectures! they're way too young!), give a hug, reassurance of your love and move on...

HTH

WOW! Sorry to hear of your troubles. One thing to try is to be sure to limit sugar especially in the evening, and be consistent..no means no and stand your ground. Thankfully I work from home, I have 2 boys and we would not have been able to afford daycare either, but I would try writing a note to the grandparents to let them know that she is doing things like climbing and whatever else you don't agree with, and are asking them to be sure not to allow her to do it at their house either because you are afraid she will get hurt, and just want to be sure that you are being consistent with what you both are allowing her to do. I really would not take the back seat with that situation personally. Good Luck to you!

C.

Sadly L., if your caregivers are not on the same page as you, it is going to be VERY hard to teach your daughter to behave the way YOU want her to. A 2 year old needs consistency. They can't be expected to act one way 40 hours a week and a different way the rest of the time. The caregivers have to be on the same page or you have two choices, accept your daughter's behavior or find new caregivers.

I understand you are in a tight predicament but what are you supposed to do if they won't listen? My neighbor just had to move her daughter to a different caregiver because the one she had was giving the baby juice and all sorts of other things my neighbor didn't want them to do. She is your baby and if she is 2 years old and out of control, she will be 12 and out of control if it isn't stopped. They can't have free reign for 5 years and then all of a sudden expected to behave differently. These are formulative years for children.

What about your husband's aunt? Is she not able to watch her anymore? Do you have any other relatives, friends, neighbors, you could call on?

Have you tried talking to the grandparents and telling them that you really need them to set the same boundaries with your daughter and that if they can't, you might have to move her? Maybe the thought of losing watching her will make them be more adherent to your rules.

Hi,
I know how hard it is to get daycare on a limited budget but see if your area has a child care council. They will give you a list of daycare providers that are all state certified and you can find one in your budget. Even if you have to scrimp a little to be able to do it it might be worth it. I know having a family member is inexpensive and trusting but sometimes they don't keep the same routine as you. This will throw your whole schedule off and make it seem like your angel is a little devil. If this is not an option then try setting guidelines with your parents. Let them know how much you appreciate their help but if its to continue you have to ask them to follow your request. It's not too much to ask that they put her down for her nap at a decent hour. If it continues and she wakes at that time call them at that hour and see if they would like to come over and watch them while you finish your good night sleep. Another thing you could try is to tape your daughters behavior and then show that to them so they can see first hand how she is behaving after a day with them. Keep the tape going for a whole 24 hour period so they get the whole picture. Good luck and remember it can only get better.

A two year old is a fullgrown all knowing individual that the world literally revolves around or so they think. This stage crops back up in the teen age years and the parents will become intelligent again when the young adult passes into young adulthood at around 23 years. A two year old like a teenager needs unconditional love but pushes to find those boundries and to be the center of attention, keeping control of the situation maintains that. Be consistent. Be patient. Don't react and give up your control. Keep calm. Ignore her temper tentrums if it's for attention. Do not partake in her behavior but make it clear that you would rather do something else and make it appear to be something you would normally do but say out loud to yourself what fun it is and ignore her until she reacts and comes to share "your" world. For the rude behaviors time outs do work but start out slow. Do it for one particular behavior say the hitting. Let her know that everytime she hits someone she gets a time out. She will need to sit there and be still for one minute facing a blank corner. Set a timer that she can hear go off. If she acts up during the minute which is almost gaurenteed at first Make it clear how badly you feel that as you have to reset the timer for another whole minute. The first time out make take a long time. but each time she breaks encourage her that she almost made it. but we have to start back at the beginning minute again. Have things that she will be doing when she gets done and be disappointed that she can't join you. Most all children catch on in just a couple of times and soon will sit easily and then will not do the behavior because as my son said years later that i was really mean i made him sit still and DO NOTHING! As an older preschooler he received very few but i increased the time to five minutes but as in any time out the timer was NEVER set for over FIVE minutes.
That should correct the problem Most important be consistent. You need to give the timeout each and everytime that particular behavior happens. Be very specific. As the behavior diminishes add other behaviors once you and your daughter get the hang of it it will go well.
Now as far as the source of the behavior if alot of these things are cropping up since the grandparents took over you may be running a loosing battle. Ay chance the Aunt could come back? Older adults are hard to deal with they may be past the patience stage needed for a active little girl and may welcome long naps. In the "old" days physical punishments were common and may explain the hitting. OLder people are very set in their ways though and are not willing usually to admit that the way they raised their kids were wrong. Check with Social Services, Colleges, or whatever community based organizations that may have lists of various inexpensive but high quality babysitting programs. Colleges or tech schools often take in children for their child care programs that are reasonable.
Diet should always be considered for preservatives, additives, sugars, etc. Fruits and vegetables the fresher the better are always the best. You can give finger foods or take almost anything and put it in the blender for her.
Most important hug her and love her. It's scarey and hard to be two and have all those changes and all that power.

After reading the responses i wanted to say that the grandparents are doing a favor in taking care of your daughter. They may not be on your page and may never be but they're grandparents and have a right to be how they are. If the same page can't be found that's one thing but if it comes to considering dumping your daughter at 5 am on their doorstep back away and reconsider the war you wage on the people on your side although maybe not reading the same book. At this point they are grandparents not parents and their role in her life is a different one. Don't make a wall or a ridge between the parties involved. Talk to them not accusingly tell them your concerns, ask them their ideas of what is going on. Do not be judgmental there's many ways to raise children. If you are worlds apart and realize that the same page or even being in the same book is not to happen then make your decision how to proceed but agree to disagree and let it go. A primary caregiver may not work but grandparents are good at spoiling children and actually serve a function in their development in so doing with their total unconditional what ever you do i love you that parents aren't so likely to and should not accept.
The 3 hour nap shows she is exhausted also. How long were her naps with her Aunt? May be your answer for that but little children even in school take naps.

I know that this sounds crazy but teqaching her consequeces at this early age is very important. My little angel son went through exactly all of those things that you are describing and let me tell you that now he is 4 and I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. First.....when she does something that you have told her not to do...simply tell her that the rule is she cant do that and this is her warning. Tell her if she does it again you are going to put her into timeout. When she does it again...and I promise you she will....simply put her there and tell her she has to stay there until you come back. If she gets up...put her back again...and again....and again....she will eventually get it....dont yell just keep putting her back. I know you may think that she is to young...she is not...my son was 18 months when we started this. Now when he does something he shouldn't he puts himself there. You have to somehow get everyone on board....it may seem hard but trust me it is worth it.....As for the sleeping thing....you really need to sit down with your in-laws and tell them everything you are feeling....ask them to not let her nap so long as you are having a difficult time with this....I have to tell you though....kids go through this early moring thing alot....I have many girlfriends who have told me about the early rising....they grow out of it....remember....nothing lasts forever....keep your chin up!!!

She needs to lose the afternoon nap. Three hours in the middle of the day is way too long - especially if she's staying up so late and waking so early.
Give the grandparents and agenda for the day so it makes caring for your daughter easier - it's hard to come up with activities to entertain a 2 yr old all day. In the afternoon when she normally sleeps and they get a break, maybe that's when she can watch an hour or so of TV (Sesame Street videos would be great).
Have them take her out in the mornings to a park or something and then occasionally take her out to lunch (when the weather is nice, do picinics). This way, she'll be out and about - she'll be stimulated - and the environment will provide half the entertainment so that your in-laws don't have to work so hard (caring for a 2yr old is a huge demand for grandparents - they just aren't as adgile and spritely as they used to be).

Lastly, I'm starting to learn a little about Positive Discipline. There's a book for Toddlers by Jane Nelson. You may want to pick it up for hints on the bad behavior aspect.

First of all, she's 2. It seems as though you are expecting her to act as though she's older. This is how two-year-old children behave and now is the perfect time to set boundries. She's seeing how far she can go and you (and your husband and her grandparents) need to step in firmly and decisively.

When my daughters (aged 6 & 2) behaved this way, I asked myself what my parents would have done if I'd hit them or thrown food - spanking was their answer. It's not pleasant for anyone and I don't think it's appropriate for a two-year-old at all. My solution was usually to pick them up and hold them lovingly but firmly (like a tight hug) and whisper to them in a warm but firm voice that "It's not OK to hit mommy or daddy" or "It's not OK to throw your food." They would sometimes resist the hug or start screaming, but holding on to them and continuing to say the things I was saying would eventually win out. Patience is key because you might have to withstand some screaming. If you let them go or give up when they start acting out, they know that their behavior(screaming, hitting, throwing)got them what they wanted. And that's a pattern that will not go away easily.

As to the grandparents - maybe if you ask them what they would do in this situation (grandparents love to feel useful to their grown children, especially when it comes to parenting advice) The key is to not tell them what to do when they are watching her, but rather ask them what they would do and see what solutions they have to offer (unless, of course, the solution is spanking).

I completely sympathize with not being able to afford daycare and you are very fortunate to have family around you to help. Let me know if this helps and keep me updated!

Hi L. - a couple of points. Always offer a variety of food at each meal <meat, veggie, starch, etc> let a child pick out what they will eat and request that they must take just one bite from anything they didn't "choose" - later they will eat everything. A hungry child will eat. They will NOT starve if today and 1/2 of tomorrow they do not eat.....

Inlaw issue - Request that they limit the nap time to no more than 90 minutes. If they refuse to do so check with your employer if you can 'flex' your work time for a week <if you are close to them explain what is happening so they know why your exausted. It will only take a week so that your 'folks' don't want you coming at 5:30 in the AM!! If flex is NOT an option - when she awakes have YOUR HUSBAND take HER over to the inlaws, yes at 5 am. He MIGHT do it once or twice - they will get the idea, him and your inlaws why she needs to get less daytime sleep and why everyone needs to get more "NIGHT" sleep. He will start talking- they will listen.

Hello L.,

Just a couple of comments regarding some of the responses. Do NOT lose the afternoon nap! Sleep begets sleep and perhaps she's getting up at 5 am because she's overtired and is having trouble going to and staying asleep. If you can manage to get her to sleep earlier in the day (b/w 11-12), that's ideal. Secondly, she has to know the difference between when you're playing and when you're not. Holding her and hugging her is not the answer. Get down on her level and tell her that her behavior is unacceptable. She may not understand what you're saying entirely but she'll understand your tone. She also needs consistency - get anyone who is watching her on the same page. Best of luck!

Your daughter is not getting enough positive attention from you and is acting out to get "some attention". You need to create a calm atmoshere and a calm child will occur. Spend alone time with her. Have her go to bed at 7. She is so exhausted and that is part of the reason why she is so wild. She still needs a day nap. A well rested child is a happy child!

You need to speak to the grandparents and discuss how they take care of the children doing the day and their parenting styles.

Remember nobody wants to hear "no" all of the time. You need to redirect her when she does something you do not like. And there is no reason why she can't go up and down the stairs as you watch her ( I know it is a pain for you) but she is exploring her world.