Help!! My 3 1/2 Year Old Son Won't Potty Train ...

It sounds like he's still having some trouble identifying his body's potty cues. Try to focus on that with him for a bit. You can also jump start that process by spending a couple days talking about it, then put him in big boy underwear and rush him to the bathroom and onto the toilet the second and accident happens. Give frequent reminders through out the day, don't put him in clothes except for the underwear and a t-shirt. Also, focus on a particular time of day where you tell him he needs to go potty before that next activity. Especially before any nap or bedtime.

I have been helping potty train my nephew and my best friends boys (i'm a SAHM who babysits a lot)... anyways, i play cherios with my friends 3 yr old. we throw three cherios in the toilet and he has to sink them. my nephew is 19 months old and is finally starting to SIT on the potty... hasnt used it, but he sat on it...

Hi Jo Anne,

You are not alone! First, I would say that you need to let go of the expectations you have about when your son "should" potty train and whether or not you are doing "good" job potty training him. Having unmet expectations leads to anxiety and your son can feel that and he will respond to it. Whether his response is being stubborn about using the potty or unconsciously feeling like he has the power to keep you anxious about it, doesn't really matter. Ultimately, at this age anything can become a power struggle.

My son will be four in a couple of weeks and he just potty trained 2 months ago. We did all the bribery, and guilt tripping things before to no avail. I hated all of it but my husband was tired of buying of diapers/pull-ups so he keep it up. I did it so that our son would get a consistent message, but I was really happy when my husband just decided to let our son come to it on his own. I kept our son in underwear at home except for at night and pull ups when we were out. Yes, the accidents were a pain but I just cleaned them up without saying much of anything and he would help me, usually. My husband used the whole big boy thing but I just went with him to the potty and thanked him for trying if he didn't go and gave him a high five if he did go. It only took about a month and he was down to only having pee accidents once a week. Less than 3 months later he is waking up at night to go when he to has to, which is only about two nights per week, and making it through the night the rest of the nights.

I say to trust your own instincts as a mom. If something feels like the right thing to do then do it, if it feels wrong to you then don't. I know my ways aren't very popular, so take what you can use and leave the rest.

Good Luck,
S.

COURAGE!

All normal kids will potty train.

Possibly you just need to 'give up' and let him come to it when and how he wants to. (I'd let the daycare keep on with their stuff, though.)

We tried to train #1. It took a couple of years for her to learn, really. With #2 and #3, we just sat back and waited. Both of them got interested and trained themselves around 3 and 3 months. #4 started right around his 2nd birthday (but *I* was unprepared and didn't catch the opportunity ... we'll see if he's still interested when the big kids go to school and I can give him some focus, or whether I've missed the window and will have to wait for the next one!! Darn that continuing diaper laundry ;)!! sigh! ). But I had a friend who was so courageous, with her OLDEST she figured that out ... and she was working, and quit her job because the daycare wouldn't accept over 3 years old unless potty trained ... and he didn't train until 4 and a half!!!!

She said it was pretty hard to keep trust in to process as they approached the start of kindergarten, though ... but he just was doing a lot of other growing and development he needed to do, I guess. Certainly my kids have all developed at different rates in different areas!

On the practical side, I would get your son enough coverage to prevent leaks. Double-layer pullups, or gigantic diapers (my kids are skinny ... we were in size 6 FOREVER it felt like, but luckily I didn't have to find size 7s!), or something. It might help him see that he needs to not impact all of the adults who care for him with the accidents ... and it might help the adults to 'forget' about it and set him free to figure out that he has to self-define (not be defined by grownups) on this issue. In the end, he has to be self-driven ...

There are three things you can not make make a toddler do, eat, sleep or pee and poop on command. (sigh) Especially boys for the last. My son wasn't "trained" or self trained until 4 or so when his new preschool teacher said that she did not change diapers or take children who were not potty trained. She didn't tell him, she told me, with in ear shot of him. Of course all his friends were going to school so he wanted to be there.... But I also think my son was ready (more than ready) to be trained.

That might be something you could try for this September.... But plan it very, very carefully because you could back yourself into a corner that you can't get out of. Like he refuses and the teacher and you have to back down... then what do you do! I have heard of many boys that are trained later towards 4.

We mothers just have to be patient.

Take away the pullups! Take him shopping for big boy underware and toss out the pull ups! They are very handy and I sure would rather change them than poopy pants, but they are diapers! I also had my son change himself (with my help and guidence for wet accidents). Having him take an active role in cleaning himself up will help also. He wont want to change himself anymore than you do. Be sure that the center you have him in will help you do the same things. Without consistancy, you will be looking at set backs! I would also do a reward system. Start with threes. If he uses the potty three times in one day, then let him choose a sticker or a movie to watch with you (don't reward with food or some major purchase...kids prefere your time anyway!) Then, make it bigger if he doesn't have any accidents today, then two days, then three etc until finally he is done it! Good Luck!

I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who started off strong and since then has resorted to holding her pee and poop even when in a pull up. I finally called her pediatrician to ask for advice. Her advice? Lay off the kid. She said just stop talking about it at all. Offer the choice of underwear or pullups and just get on with your day. Do lots of modeling about your bathroom behaviors such as pointing out that you always go potty before you leave the house, but otherwise back waaaay up. She said that some kids (and someone else posted this also) are just stubborn and the more you try to convince them the farther they get from it.

So we backed off entirely and she's now starting to pick up some more interest in doing it herself and wearing underwear again. It's been hard to just let go of it, especially since she starts preschool in a month and has to be potty trained to go, but the pressure was getting to her. And pressure, btw can be positive pressure. We used stickers, treats, gifts, charts, rewards, songs.

If you can hang tight and just let him make the decision when he wants to do it you might be surprised how quickly he turns around. Especially if he's an independent, do it himself kind of kid.

Good luck. I know how much this sucks. I'm in the middle of it myself. :)

-M.

I've asked this question so many times - but really here is my honest opinion - the older the kid the longer it is going to take because they know what you want and they won't do it the more you want it.

My daughter held pee for 24 hours! Seriously - why because she could - she wouldn't pee for 6 at night until 11 or noon the next day and when she did look out there was a serious flood. She didn't poop for 12 days - and when she did talk about painful.

Basically what worked - was pee pressure - one of her little friends was shocked she wasn't potty trained - so she started the next day - we totally bribed her - I went out and spent well of $100 on pee prizes - all in the $5 range - best $100 I ever spent - I never in a million years thought I'd resort to bribery.

So really after that moment - only 2 pee accidents - both when playing with water.

No poop was another story - we had to start mirlax because there was constipation issues that weren't resolving - we also did accupressure to work on some of the control issues. Needless to say there were lots and lots of accidents until finally it clicked - we did panties so they were messy! We'd give her a choice for a diaper for pooping as well. So annoying when she'd ask for a diaper to poop in. We upped the prize to $10 prizes in the box - but the promise of watching a full length movie did it - she hadn't watched TV before - she would get a prize, a big chocolate, and TV privileges. She also has two poop charts for stickers - one a weekend at Grandma's without mom and dad the other a two wheel bike.

I wouldn't be the one to recommend prizes but we just had to determine her currency. And she's been pooping and peeing for well over two months now - including be dry at night.

You will get there - but it will take time and determination. Good luck.

I would urge you to not back off at this point. In my experience it only made things worse. My 5 year old step son was diapered exclusively in disposables and then started pull-ups at age 3 and still had no interest in going anywhere but in his diaper. I think that he was so effectively "trained" to go in his diaper it made it very difficult to change to using the toilet after doing it one way his whole life. He would also hold it until he had a pull-up on and then go in his pull-up. We were waiting until he was "ready" but that time never came. We eventually did the following: Put him in underwear (or cloth training pants) all the time so he could feel when he wet himself. We took him to a therapist at the age of 4.5 because we were at our wit's end and he still wasn't potty or poopy trained. He never reached a point where he "chose" to do it or said that he wanted to be a big boy and it was either "make" him use the toilet or forfeit him being able to go to kindergarten. (which in every other way he was ready for). On the therapists advice, we started using a timer and taking him to the bathroom (against his will) at regular increments. He fought it at first but then it didn't seem to bother him after several days, as it was a new routine. (although he did grow to hate the timer, which we eventually phased out and replaced with us reminding him to go) For a month we used a timer to remind him (and us) to take him to the potty every 45 minutes (with much protest from him). we did this very strictly for about 2 weeks and he FINALLY he started being able to feel when he was about to pee or poop. So exciting after a year of potty training with no results! about 4 months of "potty rewards charts" (star sticker charts that lead to a big toy like an action figure after he gets a certain number of stars) sealed the deal and he is now potty trained. The BIG rewards were the only ones that really worked with our son. sometimes he still has trouble getting to the toilet when he poops still but he is doing much better and not protesting the toilet at all. For awhile we thought he had absolutely no feeling of when he was eliminating, so it is such a relief to have him on the right track now. With lots of positive reinforcment, he is finally getting there. But it has been a big struggle and I wouldn't wish that kind of delayed potty training experience on any child. I think it affected his self esteem greatly, even though his parents were giving him a lot of positive feedback and trying not to make him feel ashamed when he had an accident.

There are lots of training pants out there that are made of cloth. You might want to give something like this a try so that he can feel his cues better. Otherwise there's no way for him to make that connection to his body since diapers and pull-ups send him a different message, that it is "okay" to go in your pants. I firmly believe that the disposable diaper industry has way too much sway in influencing the ways that we teach our children how to take care of their bodies.

Because of our experience with my stepson we have decided to use a different approach with our 11 month old daughter. We practice Elimination Communication with her and we really love watching her enjoy using her own potty and giving her the option to have better hygiene and learn to communicate when she has to go. I checked out a book on EC from our local library and some of the EC techniques helped us potty train my step son as well.

The conclusion I came to through this whole experience was that it is up to the parents to decide certain things for their children that are in their children's best interests, not the other way around, and I think that potty training in a timely manner is one of those things. Just as I wouldn't let my kids go without brushing their teeth or staying up as late as they want, I wouldn't allow a child to continue to soil him/herself after they are capable of communicating their need to go, just because its not good for them or their bodies. I feel that the fad lately has been to "wait until the child is ready" but for us, this attitude just set up our child for getting out of touch with his body and I believe it created more of a power struggle for us as well. Maybe it works great with some kids, but not ours. I don't mind potty training our daughter again in the traditional way if she gets a mind of her own and starts fighting the potty later on. But I feel that we are giving her a good foundation for potty training by teaching her to listen to her body early on and that makes me feel like at least we maybe learned from our mistakes with delaying potty training with the first child.

Here is some information on elimination communication if you are curious:
http://www.diaperfreebaby.org/

My son was just over 3 when he indicated he was ready. We made it one week with no pee accidents, but then he decided it wasn't for him. I couldn't believe it, and was very discourged, but managed to suppress my feelings and let him know he should tell me when he was ready. I would ask him occasionally if he wanted to try, without too much pressure, and he would always say no. About 4 months later (3 plus 7 months) he let me know, and that was it. He wear's a Pull-up at night, and otherwise is totally great, and very proud of himself. Try to be patient. The pressure, even positive might be too much for him.

I do not think boys are harder to train at all. What I did with mine was, once they understood the whole potty thing, I put them in regular big boy undies. They could either use the potty or pee all over them selves. We had a lot of accidence the first day, but only 2 the next, and then one a week, and then none. My son was 20 months old. Your son is 3 1/2, I would no longer give him the option of pullups, except at night.

I promise- J.-- you not only are not alone-- you have lots of company. I finally potty trained my youngest ( now 27) by saying ''' hmmmm --- you know I need to go to the store and buy a big box of those pampers-- boy those sure are expensive--- If I didn't have to buy those I could get you SUCH a nice toy--- but -- gee----- then we wouldn't HAVE any pampers ( there were no pull-ups back then) --- and with no pampers- you 'd have to use your big-girl panties and go on the potty-- do you want to try that???''' Her response??? ''''''' can I pick out my own toy?""" (((( and she did ---- no problem- we went to Fred Meyer - and I picked out the part of the isle she could cruise--- there were NO toys there more than 20 dollars- and she picked out her toy- and that was that--- ))but I think what make that work was that we'd completely laid off any converstion for over a month- THEN asked--- it worked -- and if it does for you-- super --- if not- --I promise- when he decides that being the only child in his day care that still uses pull ups is embarrasing to HIM-- he'll quit .

Promise
Blessings,
Old Mom-- aka- J.

I was having a similar problem, and finally after picking up a book that categorized kids into personality types for potty training (Stress Free Guide to Potty Training I think was the title) I realized what was going on. My DD is so darn stubborn, that the more I pushed and pleaded and rewarded...the more control she got and therefore satisfaction from not doing what I was asking. So, I stopped. I bought something she really really wanted (play make-up) and set it on a shelf that she could see but not get to. Told her a couple of times that she would have that when she was a big girl - and big girls went pee pee and poo poo in the potty. I won't say it happened over night, but after about 6 weeks (going pee in the toilet came first, then finally poop) she is doing it.

Hope that helps!
K.

Jo Anne,

My son was around 4 1/2 when he finally potty trained. Like you we had tried everything to no avail. After getting a ton of advice from this site here's what finally worked for us:

1) any mess he made in his pants he had to clean up himself. I made him do it in the bathtub with the coldest water possible to come out of the tap.

2) if he could go all day (nights were later) without an accident he would get a sticker.

3) if he could go 10 days consecutive accident free we'd take him on the Edmonds/Kingston ferry to get ice cream at a little shop in Kingston.

4) to get him to poop in the toilet we let him squat on the seat so that the splashing wouldn't get his butt (he said there were monsters in there trying to get him).

I'm also adding a link to the advice I got, maybe some will help you as well.

Hope this helps,
Melissa
http://www.mamasource.com/request/8244745171971866625

My boy got potty trained when he was 3 1/2 and it wasn't hard, my suggestions:

1. Try to trained him over a weekend when you have nothing to do.
2. Get regular underwears, stickers, a chart for the stickers, snacks and lots of fluids something that he really likes to drink to make him go pee.
3. Mentally prepared him in advance about the underwears.
4. My kid loves Thomas trains so I promised to take him to the store to get his favorite train for his first "poop" in the potty (It was a big motivation for him).
5. Once that he wears the underwear, if he doesn't tell you, let him have an accident or accidents (stay cool if this happen many times) and give him plenty of fluids and snacks.
6. Don't give up if he ask you to put his diaper back for going "poop" (even if he hold his poop for days).

Good luck and blessings

My boy was 3.5 when he started to use the toilet to pee. We could not use diapers or pull-ups in anyway or he would just use them instead (we did use diapers for naps and overnight). We began to have success when we went full-time to cotton training pants (we found them at JC Penney) and he could feel wet pants, underpants, the works. Hunker down for at least 2 weeks worth of daily laundry, get a bucket with water to soak all the stuff if you can't wash every day. Talk to the daycare to help too. Toilet training is not an overnight process, unfortunately, but it is a process we have to go through with our children. I won't even tell you how long it took to go #2 in the toilet!! lol. Good luck.

This is totally off the cuff - haven't tried it, don't know how it would work, but, the book 'Potty training in less than one day' has a set up for training your kids in less than one day. I'm not going to propose that you try to get that done (although, if it worked, how cool would that be?), but rather to suggest that you could use some of the techniques from the book.

The day in the book includes eating salty snacks to encourage thirst, and then giving a favorite drink to encourage drinking, and then potty on timed intervals. Perhaps if you could follow that scenario for a day, or even half a day, it would be enough to get him to go on the potty and get a feeling of success.

At any rate, might be worth checking out. It doesn't sound like he has any real hang ups about pottying - maybe just not really sure how to make it happen. Perhaps this book would suit your family well.

I just wanted to tell you I am in the same boat as you, but I have twins. I have to say some of the problem is me as I am not a very patient person when it comes to stuff like this. Why can't it just happen natural darn-it. We have tried everything. They try and go at daycare usually once an hour. One boy actually goes pee about once a week, the other has yet to go. I tried the underwear thing on one about 1 month ago and he had a accident within 3mintues of putting them on. I set a timer for 10 minutes. He hasn't wanted them back on since. I even have them in plain sight hoping he will ask for them. I have to say I am hesitant to just have them in underwear just because I am afraid of the messes I will have to clean up. Remember I have two of these little guys. My boys don't really comprehend from what I can tell about setting the toy up on a shelf thing. I've tried the special treat, stickers, everything and nothing has worked. Every idea I come up with lasts for about 3 days and then the novelty wears off. Since I have such a hard time with them just wanting to try, I give them stickers for trying. They watch their dad go potty and they are interested but nothing when it comes to them. My problem is that I have them in daycare and they won't move my boys to the next class until they are potty trained. They are in a class with 2yrs old and my boys are almost 3 1/2. They see kids lined up for swim lessons and field trips and I tell them all the time if they went potty in the toilet then they would get to go in the school bus and go places but they just could really careless. So I guess I am just writing to you to let you know that you are not the only ones. Maybe we should have a pee party for boys. Sorry, just trying to find some humor in all this. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

We were having some of the same issue. Our solution was to get rid of the pull-ups during the day because it does not feel the same if you are wet. We went out and bought a couple of dozen cotten training pants (no plastic on the outside or plastic pants over) and took about 10 of them along with 10 pairs of pants to day care and left the others at home. Within a week he was having very few accidents and would tell us and his teachers that he needed to go. We still use a Pull-Up but only at night when he goes to bed. We are just concentrating on making sure he has the whole day down without accidents before we tackle night time. We just came back from a 14 hour trip and we did not have one accident. Hope this helps.