Help! My 6Yo Is Already Saying 'I Don't like School'!`

next time she points out that someone is better than her, i would appeal a little bit to her competitive side. "well, i guess you'll just have to work at this so you can be just as good as they are! would you like some help?" or maybe give her a goal to work on, like she will get bring home her best test in addition by the end of next week. giving her something to aspire to might motivate her to really give it her best.
also, try an after school activity that can help raise her self esteem, like karate. karate is great for kids who beat up on themselves emotionally and mentally, and can help teach discipline and self control.
talk to her teacher and see what you guys can work on at home with her. see if teacher has any suggestions or concerns of her own.
also, let her see you "fail" at something. to our kids we're awesome and wonderful and dare i say "perfect", and it's a lot to live up to because they want to be just like us. if they see us mess up, and we own up to it and say "well, i guess i'll have to to better next time" or "this really isn't my best work" or "i'm not very good at this, but i'm going to try it again anyway!" it can encourage them greatly to know that the world won't end if they stumble.
in response to your edit: the fact that she performs better when you're around i think really shows that she is afraid to disappoint you or let you down. is it possible that she might be sensitive and sees your encouragement as criticism? i was a sensitive child and took EVERYTHING as a negative if it wasn't outright praise. i have no solution for it, but it might be something for you to think about.
maybe dad should take over homework duties? or sit down and have a talk with her. let her know that if she doesn't do her homework, there will be consequences. school and homework are her job right now and it's very important that she take responsibility and do it in a timely manner. my best friend has a set time for homework for her 6 and 9 year old, and if they don't do their homework during that time, they are not allowed to do something the next day, like watch a movie, read recreationally, or have a friend over. it's very effective as her 9 year old starts moving into the tweener attitude. perhaps that would work for your daughter?
lots of hugs, lots of encouragement, lots of patience, but you already knew that! i think it's great you're so in tune with your daughter's feelings!
good luck!

Nicole,

Even if you never have entertained the thought and have zero intention of ever doing it, I still encourage you to get a copy of a book called The First Year of Homeschooling Your Child by Linda Dobson.

Many parents from diverse backgrounds share their reasons for entering into the world of homeschooling. I have seen leaps of confidence since this last fall, when I started to homeschool ours. Not all children thrive in a one-size-fits-all environment that is contrived to meet the needs of so many - all doing the same thing at the same time in the same way. Your concern about her peers being a different age group - s I tell my daughter, people are not your friends simply because you are put into a room with them and they're the same age. How many of the children in your class from last year take the time to call you or ask how you're doing? Only two. The others are not real friends - not the kind with any depth of meaning to your long-term existence. Friendships are as important as the books she reads - if she is struggling and unhappy, you have an opportunity to do something different.

So, like I say, you may want to just explore the idea - the book is a great way to consider options you may not otherwise have considered. At this stage, it's not perfect, but our daughter is now making real friends - doing things that you just can't do in a school day. She's learning how to clean, feed, care for and ride horses with other kids who share that interest, for example. And when it comes to confidence - if you can handle an animal many times your size and with a will of its own, you can handle any situation or person that may be challenging, too.

Finally, if you want my money, I've got it on the fact that the reason your daughter performs better when you aren't around (or worse when you volunteer) is the opposite to what you may think - she actually is finding a way to get your attention in that context which tells me she's making an even louder statement as to her desire FOR you. Everyone has a motivation - I have one that thought she might dig heels in and get what she wanted - but she's voluntarily changed her tune. When people are getting what they truly want and need...they have no 'fuel' for behaviors you describe. It's that simple - at least, that's my experience.

I hope my two cents helps - if not, please toss it!
I wish you and your daughter the best - and good for you for stopping your world on this problem in order to seek out a solution. If anything, she's watching you solve a problem - and that's an incredible gift to her!

Warmest Regards,
T. B.

I bet she misses you, Nicole. My daughter (same age) is doing the same thing although the teacher says she is happy and performing well in school. I suspect that in our case it may have something to do with her being tired in the morning as well. Something to think about.
J.

Hi Nicole!
How hard for you... I'm sorry. I'd like to second the comment about complimenting specifics regarding her performance at school. However, my main reason for responding to your post comes from my being a teacher! I don't know if you already have been in contact with her teacher or not, but be sure that he/she knows about your daughter's insecurities and the way in which you are finding they are handled best. I'm sure that he/she would be on board with following suit and making sure to celebrate specific accomplishments at school. Sometimes something as simple as notes, phone calls or emails home from the teacher about a specific area of accomplishment at school can make a world of difference in school attitude. This is just my experience. Good luck to you!
C.

Sounds like your daughter could be confused about the difference between BEING good and DOING well. Often the kind of praise and encouragement adults give them helps create this confusion.

Recent research into the effects of praise on children suggest that it is better to offer a compliment for the EFFORT your kids put into accomplishing something than to tell them how good they are for succeeding. Unfortunately, it's so easy and habitual to tell our kids "You ARE so wonderful/smart/pretty/etc." This actually has the contradictory effect of making them more reluctant to take on a new challenge, apparently because they don't want to shake our good opinion of them as a person.

But when we say "I am so proud of you for trying this new and difficult thing!" or "Wow! Look how hard you're working at that!" we encourage their willingness to work toward a goal, to take a risk, to get out of their comfort zone. This is praise we can offer frequently during the effort, even if the child has not yet succeeded.

In my own observation, it might work even better to tell the child, "How proud YOU must be of your hard work." This has the added benefit of helping the child internalize and strengthen her own reward system, rather than depending on others to build her esteem and courage.

Here's one article on this new behavioral research:

http://www.cranepsych.com/Psych/Praising_Children.pdf

Hey Nicole,

I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this!!

As one pp mentioned, homeschooling for a year might be one solution. I don't know if that's even possible (for example, if you have to work to pay the bills, that wouldn't be possible), but if it is, it could be an opportunity for you to create positive learning experiences for her. There are tons of homeschooling groups that you could hook up with, so it wouldn't just be you and she stuck in a room together for 6 hours a day!!!

Another idea would be to get her involved in some sports activity. Even if she fights you a little on it, I would try to get her to at least TRY a sports activity - tell her she only has to go three times and if she still hates it, she can quit.

The ideal would be to find some activity that she is good at that is outside academics - I have so many friends who have told me that finding the right outside activity for their child turned them around at school. It could be soccer, ballet, swimming classes...it could even be music or art classes...I've heard of cool theater programs for young kids as well.

Best of luck - you're so smart to tackle this now. As we all know, she's got years of school ahead of her : )

Ah, the I can't phase. Try getting her to say the things that she can do. I can read well. I can do math well. I organize my backpack well, etc. Focus on the small things that she does well. Do that at home for a week or so. Until you think she is becoming more confident about what she does well.

Then contact your child's teacher, without her knowing of course, and find out what she does well. Have a discussion with your daughter, and decide on a few thing that she does well. Put those on some 3 x 5 cards. Stick them in her backpack or whatever she takes to school. Have her say them in the morning before she goes to school, and maybe they will match with things that she does at home? Put them in little cards in her lunch if you want to. When she gets home don't talk about what went wrong unless she is in tears. Talk about the what she can do well. Spend a lot of time on what she can do well.

Another thing you might try, is to have the teacher send home some of the work that she missed so that she has the feeling that she can catch up.

As to the homework issue, I would give her a snack when she comes home after school. Have your talk about the day. Have her take out the homework and ask her if she has any questions about it. If not put her at the kitchen table and set a timer for about double the time you think it will take to do the work. Then leave the room. Tell her that is how much time should take her and when it goes off she should be done.

When the timer goes off, take and homework from her, even if it is done, and (biting your tongue as hard as it will be)put it in the backpack). It is your daughter's work to finish, not yours. Don't make the time longer. Don't help her a little bit unless she asks you, and then only for that little bit.

It is better that your daughter learn the responsibility of doing her own homework without fighting about it (with you) at this age than at 12. Honest. She has to deal with the teacher not you.

Good luck with everything. She sounds like a strong willed child and she will keep you busy.

Hi Nicole;
School is so different then when we went. There is a reason why your child doesn't like it and it shouldn't be ignored. She probably doesn't have a good friend and that nowadays is fundamental. I would encourage you (based on my daughter's own experience and how I helped her) to invite friends over to your house but make sure it's not too long and that you do so until you find the right child that she clicks with. How do you know? She will be invited back to her friends house. She will come back talking about her after school. Another thing is to get her involved in activities that her classmates are doing. Are they taking dance, ballet, soccer, swimming? Choose something that will give her self confidence. Another thing also it's so sad is to notice how are the other classmates dressed? Yes, it's sad but you don't want to stand out even in kinder or 1st grade. Dress her like they are dressing not like you think it's cute. About the homework, get a chart and put a sticker on it for everyday that she can do her homework without complaining and getting it done within a reasonable time. Then on Friday, if she has between 3-5 stickers, you can go shopping at the dollar store for example. It doesn't have to be something expensive or she can choose the activity to do that weekend, go see a movie, go roller skating etc. But if she gets less than 3 stickers for that week, then do not reward her. She has to learn. It usually only takes one week of not getting a reward for them to not do it again. Tell her she has to do her homework but she can either earn a sticker or not depending on her she does it but homework always gets done.
At that age my daughter did horribly when I volunteered so I told her if she misbehaved I would stop volunteering in the classroom and I did. I did other volunteer work until she realized that I was serious. It took a year or two but it was in the best interest of my daughter to volunteer elsewhere at the school. Good luck.

keeping track of her work and showing her how much she is improving may help. I had a 2 year fine motor delay and had aweful trouble writing. Now, I have better writing that most of the people in my field and get complimented on my beautiful signiture (which I think is aweful because I just scribble it). I honestly don't know what would have convinced me that I had good writing, because I never thought I did...even now, I don't think it's anything special (I think some people just don't think that much about writing).

Another thought I have is that if your being there makes her worse, perhaps you might want to think about scaling back the volunteering for a little while so she can get he confidence in school to do it. Once she has confidence, I'm sure it won't be as big a deal. Maybe a reward for doing homework on her own or with only being asked once or something would be an incentive at home.

It is really important that you find out exactly WHY she doesn't like school ASAP. It could be something to do with peer relationships. Does she have friends who come over after school? Often those first grades really set the tone for the whole school career. If necessary, could you homeschool? What would your daughter think about homeschooling. That way you could know what your daughter is doing every day and there would be no need to be socially isolated with all the co-ops and activities available. If you would like more info, feel free to contact me. I am a homeschooling Mom of two daughters.

H.

Nicole,
Don't feel alone, I am raising my 5 year old grandson and he says the same thing, he doesn't like writing and he improve or get encouraged when i make words in dotted figures and he traces them, like dot to dot. He stuggle also and we have a hard time trying to get him to school. He gets along with his fellow students well and could catch on his work very well. He is always saying i don't wanna go school mom. So we let him go as much as we could even if he has to go the same grade next year as long as he is comfortable with doing his work in his own level. I was same way when i went to school, slow and i stuggle after my parents let me skip 1st grade just cause i was very bright in math, it was my reading that was slow. I think its sons coordination with mind to hands that gets him. So we have to do the best we could to help them in their own level.He helps other students when they need help and knows whats right and wrong and i think what got him is when his teacher got impatient with him, that made him don't wanna go school. If it helps let her go to a special aide for help in school. Good luck with her, we just have to keep trying.