Help My Almost 16 Year Old and I Get Along

my best advice to you would be, it's completely normal. Give her some space and let her know that you love and respect her and want to get along. Ask her to do something with you that you know she'd enjoy. Maybe go get a cup of coffee together or go shopping for a new pair of shoes. Give her space, but opportunity and hopefully she'll come to you. If not, she will outgrow it in a few years...

Congrats on wanting to find effective communication strategies to use with your teen-age daughter.

Because many teens and young adults often have a hard time 'hearing' anything their parents say try not to take it personally. The first step in improving communication is understanding this is a phase and it to will pass.

Here is something I found works, which might help you.

When there is an opportunity to do so, I forgo the face-to-face communication and instead leave a hand-written note for my daughter to find. The written word has some kind of magical power that works great for getting her to do small tasks like emptying the dishwasher or feeding the fish (keep the list very small to start - 1 or 2 items only). It also works for reminders on where they (you) need to be on certain dates / times ("Just want to remind you that .... need to be there by 6:00 pm). You might also take the opportunity to sign the note, XXOO Mom - so she knows its being sent with love and care.

An "occassional" small piece of candy (like a jolly rancher or something wrapped that you know she likes) left with the note will also get her attention. You can write something like, "PS. enjoy the candy when you're done putting your clothes away". Believe it or not, she'll think you're "sweet" for leaving it there for her and will act as a motivation for getting the job done. It will also help in the face-to-face because you now have a simply question to ask - "Did you enjoy the ________"

Remember though, if she actually does what you ask in the note here's your opportunity for face-to-face. Simply thank her for completing the task, even if its a mundane or one that's taken forever to get done. She'll feel appreciated hearing, "I see you did X today, thank you." This will also help in the face-to-face.

Good luck and have patience. It may take some time to build up that open dialogue you desire.

I've skimmed over your other responses and just want to say- just because it's "normal" doesn't mean you simply let it be.

There are very real and permanent consequences for the choices teens make and situations they end up in. And one of the strongest protective factors is a strong intimate bond with parents. You are the adult here, the mom and it really will center on you making some moves in this relationship. It IS difficult because she is resistant & you have a toddler, both which can be exhausting. But it is not All lost or impossible.

It is really hard to suggest any "quick fixes" because there aren't any fool proof ones and it really depends on your personalities. I wish you would see a therapist to help you figure some of this out. But if you do/don't, the thing you're going to have to get really good at is drawing her out. TO do that, you have to start by getting your own emotions in check so that You don't shut down at her resistances. Next, ask open ended quesitons and don't back down when she gives you quick non-answers... repeat the question with calmness & patience. Remind her that the point in you asking is your care for her (not busy bodiness in order to control her, and make sure that's true!). Show an interest in the things that interest her- doesn't matter if it's ipods or a new music group. And definitely have fun girl times because laughter is the best medicine.

Moreover, do you live in or near Westchester? You might try the ADAPT program (A Different Approach for Parents and Teens). It's a 4 session mediation approach to resolve and compromise on issues at the forefront.

I'm just gonna end with that I work with teen girls quite a bit (I'm a therapist) & it makes a WORLD of a difference when they are bearing in mind (whether they hate it or agree with it) the things their parents instill in them. This versus the ones who don't really care or perceive any real consequence (concrete or emotional) to disrespecting their parents. Wish I had more time, but hope this was at least somewhat helpful. I'm not on-line again until Tues but if there is anything else specific you want to ask me personally then feel free. Best wishes, N.

C.
I raised 3 girls and a boy. My son was the hardest because his only interest was rap music movies and wrestling. My girls were involved in cheerleading, track, swim team, school yearbook,band. When I was in high school, I remembered, if not for band, I would have hated school. Because of band I got to go to football ganes, travelled to other schools in the state, participated to 2 stage plays. So, when young I pulled from my girlswhat they really loved - my cheerleader was a gymnast when younger. Her younger siste was on swim team and tried out for cheerleading only because of he sister. My oldest the overachiever was in everything. BECAUSE of these activities, they needed me on their side. They needed to work, I couldn't afford as a single mom to pay for !00 cheer leading sneaks every 6 months. They had to keep their grades up to be allowed in these school activities and couldn't be caught drinking or smoking or at parties. They weren't a lot of help to me at home, but I knew I could trust them, because I raised them! I knew when they lied to me, we went to church every Sunday. When they are little you have to instill values in them. Do you think in 2 years they are going to all of a sudden be capable of being on their own? Knowing how to handle difficult situations? I read an article that gave me an idea that I used. When they were young I used to make them sit on my lap until we were finished talking. As teens, I imprisoned them in my car. Short talks, no radio or cell phone interruptions, no place for them to go and as long as I had the keys I had control. Also, I was totally honest with them. The only thing they don't know the truth about is the relationship I had with their abusive father, and what I was willing to do to make him happy and what he expeted from me. They know about my drug and alcohol use. My suicide attempts as a teen. My mom used to say she understood, she couldn't. She had never been in a bar! She was Married at 18. I understand the desire to be like everyone else. To fit in, to need a couple of beers to loosen up. I understnd wanting freedom and to be on my own. I understand wanting to have sex as a teen. They aren't that different. Girls also start to develop their own sense of style and want to reorganize your cluttered house and make new, foreign dishes. I also reflect back to a time when I was actually right and remind them of that historic time.

totally normal,

but its your fault,

no cell
no computer
no money
no privledges
no rides
no phone calls
no tv

she should be doing chores round the house.
she needs to be encouraged to do well in school

now that being said,
the above no's are a privledge, not a right, or necessity

these above are a gift for good behavior.

listening is part of that.

at 16 she gets a job if she needs money.

now i am not certain what your trying to discuss with her,
but hopefully your listening aswell.

I suggest you start by asking her questions,
and waiting for an answer,
YOU DO NOT have to like the answer, we are actually just trying to see what her mindset is, and where she is coming from.

after hearing her honest opinion, you can then ask her questions that will lead her to your version of the truth.

her response will be i am not stupid, its not like that,you don't know what your talking about.

you respond honestly, with do you think I have never had sex before, do you think i don't know how to attract a man. do you think i don't know what and how to have GOOD sex?
after all I do have children,and I do have a man.
and perhaps he is ugly now, but he was good looking at the time, and as you grow you'll realize there are more important things than looks.

show your daughter there is another side to you.
the shock will help her see you in a diffrnt light.

what ever it is you want to talk to her about, be completely honest with her,

make special days fr just you and her, and treat her like as much of an adult as possible,

this =doesn't mean you condone sex, drugs, skimpy cothes, hanging out at all hours ect..

but as you talk and get to know eachother again,
and become friends.

When things are calm, tell your teenager that your relationship with her just wont do anymore. Tell her you have tried and sorry for all the mistakes you might have made so far and ask her what she thinks would get you and her back on track. No matter what her first reaction is, ask her to think about it and set alone time with her to talk about it...Yep, set a day and several hours with her for this talk and hang a reminder note up on the fridge and or somewhere in her room where she is sure to see it, So both of you don't mess up with making other plans for that time.

When the time comes...make sure you are alone with her...take her out of the house...leaving cell phones home, maybe pack a picnic lunch, blanket and find a quiet patch of grass to just be with her...no distractions if possible.

Your opening statement should be, I love you and care what happens between us....how do you think we can get back on tract as I feel us growing apart. Listen and consider what she says to you. Even if you aren't in agreement with what she is saying...The first step is allowing her to express what she thinks and feels. Don't react, don't get defendsive, don't blow up, don't criticizes her. Be supportive in helping her to communicate with you, building some trust as you would with a friend...this is the key to every relationship. You might even want to share with her how it was like for you when you were a teenager....and try to use some humor. Laughing together can be very healing.

You wont accomplish it all in one talk...healing and fixing what is wrong between you will infact take some time....so keep it as pleasant as possible and enjoy the picnic as much as possible. When done...thank her for spending this time with you....let her know you found her interesting, enjoyed talking to her and would like to do this sort of thing with her again soon.
Make it a point to have special time with her alone. Do things you know she might enjoy doing with you. Allow her to express her feelings...listen and don't judge or critize in your responses....

Teenages need to feel respect, trust, exceptance and need to feel they are an important part of a family unit inorder to easily follow the rules and direction that is expected of them. They also need some independance and responsibilities. If they can't find all this at home, they will infact find it with others out side the home...which in some cases ends up being other rebelling teens or gangs.

When she acts up...don't go off the deep end. Simply ask her to rethink her bahavior or maybe to rephase her statement, or adjust her attitude because she is coming off very awful and you can't possibly relate to it.....walk away, give her a bit of time to think about your statement. This gives her no choice but to take responsibility for her action. If you see her trying to comply...be supportive of it and know you can be supportive of the communication change and still not agree with or give into what she is insisting on having or doing.

"I'm happy you decided to help me understand what you were trying to say before....but "I tend to think" or "I don't agree with" or "I'm still not feeling comfortable with what you are asking for or want to do", can we talk about that for a bit....." Look for ways with her to a possible compromise about what she wants. In the process teaching her that making good decisions and taking responibility for them are in fact important. She needs to learn one has to think about decisions, and be willing to take responsibility for how it turns out...bad or good. And that even if you have to say "NO"...that too can be a good decision even if she doesn't feel it that way at the time.

Keep in mind that all relationships consist of trust, respect, compromise, and communication. Also keep in mind she is learning from you....

Give it your best shot and if you don't see improvements, go to family therapy with her. A good professional is trained and will know how to direct both of you.

C., I'm the Mom of a 16 year old and I feel your pain! I keep telling myself "it's just a stage". They can become rather unlikable and self-centered at this age and you have to remember that their hormones are going crazy and their brain is literally being re-wired too. With these physical challenges (and a junk food diet teens love, especially if they're working and have cash), you really can't expect a person at that age to be very nice. Even grown up people with physical challenges get cranky. Times like PMS, menopause, etc make women act crazy too.

If it's possible at all, take a vacation with her alone and do something fun. I think this is really important to re-connect. A weekend is good, a week is better so long as you're having fun and doing stuff to keep busy, preferably out in nature which is calming, whether it's camping or the beach. Leave your problems at home unless she brings them up. It may be hard to leave your son and husband but it will be worth it.

My daughter and I have regular "dates", we go for a treat somewhere or go to the ocean and sit and talk. All of the teenagers I know will yell at their parents at times. I'm talking about "good" kids, no drugs, no sex, no drinking.

Kids these days have a tougher time than most generations. They see lots of expensive stuff, they want it, they can't have it all, jobs are scarce, gas is going up, the environment is rendering this world unlivable soon; it's scary for them. Homework is ridiculous. When I was in highschool there was a little bit of homework. These kids now are very stressed and have more homework than I had in college. Life is very hard. Please don't ever belittle her and say things like, "you wait if you want to see how tough life really is!"

16 is probably the most challenging age for a parent. Make sure she gets her driver's license as this will force some responsibility on her (expect criticism of your own driving and don't let it bug you!). If possible a part time job is great. When I was 15 my Mom sent me to a farm all summer to work. I think she thought it would be punishment but I loved it. There were some older girls there, daughter's of the farmer and we just had a blast. I'm a big believer in a change of scenery on a fairly regular basis. I'll be taking my daughter to Belize this winter for an extended stay so she can see a different way of lifestyle. While something like this may not be possible for you (or even desirable!), a few weekends of camping, riding, going to the beach can work wonders.

I really like the book, The Continuum Concept. It is "way out there" but I followed a lot of the child-raising methods in there and my daughter is very mature for her age but she still gets the temper outbursts and lack of respect now and again. It's all part of it and while this is easier said than done: Don't take it personal! Keep repeating this to yourself constantly: I will not take it personal. I will not yell back. I will not engage in an immature power struggle.

Have your rules, be sure they are reasonable and keep her safe. I know where my daughter is always. If her cell phone is off, there better be a good explanation! We live in a small town so this is possible. I know all her friends and where they live. We also homeschool which is a challenge since she's home most of the time. School is a very corrupting influence for teens and they learn from each other. Take advantage of the summer and "deprogram" her. If you can get her to a day camp like riding or other activities she may enjoy, go for it.

Your husband can also do stuff with her, without you. Sometimes the dynamic of Mom, Dad and daughter just doesn't work well unless you are a 100% solid team and know what the other is thinking.

Regarding diet, the less junk food these kids consume, the better they will feel. I have a "magic mushroom" formula that seems to give my daughter whatever amino acids and other nutrients that she needs to feel good. If there is depression there are other brain products like GABA (NOW company) that may help. A lot of teens are depressed which is why they get angry. This is more physical than emotional. They are growing fast and need lots of healthy nutrients. They get depleted very quickly and are starving for them. Many Americans are actually suffering from malnutrition and this affects the brain. If you want to write me personally or call me I can help you with this aspect since I'm a nutritionist and have studied this extensively.

Be very loving, be there but don't be a doormat either. These kids need loads and loads of unconditional love and you will hear an occasional thanks or you're the best Mom. Treasure these and remember them when she's acting up. Hope these ideas help and how about writing back some time and letting us know how you made out?

S. Hoehner
www.sharethecause.com/detoxqueen

Dear C.,

Just a few additional thoughts to add to the responses you've already gotten.

My personal belief is that teens today don't have enough meaningful challenges and responsibilities. I don't mean things like emptying the dishwasher -- they don't have an opportunity to take healthy, appropriate risks or to make a difference in a positive way. The result is that they have a developmental need to start leaving the nest and distinguishing themselves from their families, but they can only do so through negative means.

If there's any kind of social issue your daughter cares about, can you help her get a job or a "volunteer job" related to it? Could she, for example, take care of animals at a vet's office or a shelter? Be a "big sister" to a young child from a disadvantaged background? (Teachers and children's librarians often know about programs like that.) Or could you sign her up for an Outward Bound-type program?

I was an absolutely horrible 16-year old, and two things really helped me: a summer wilderness program, and an after-school job where I worked with disabled children. Both really improved my self-esteem to the point where I didn't need to prove myself to my mom anymore. Today (granted it's many years later) she and are absolutely best friends.

Good luck, and hang in there. If you survived the terrible twos, you can survive the terrible teens.

Mira

Hi C.,
Yes, I understand your feeling. I have two teenagers (14 & 13),one preteen & 7 years old. It’s been a challenge for me raising them last 2 years. When they entered teenage, I couldn’t understand why and didn’t know how to deal with them. I learned a few things. 1 is you should control your emotion. Stay calm and don’t get upset. 2. Is listening to them. Unless they at least feel listened and understood, it doesn’t matter how right you are. 3. Is make choices. It doesn’t have to be your teen’s way completely or your way only. Either extreme is not good. The fact is they’re growing and on the process to become independent. So they need to be responsible and on the process, they need to start making their own choices and you can’t make their choices. There need to be a good discussion between us before your teen went ahead and made wrong choices. Often that’s what happens in case parents demand their authority and don’t budge. And 4th is try to spend time with her. Have fun. Arrange date to go out with only your teen. If you're all the time fighting with her, you won't have good relationship.

Unfortunately it's all part of the teenage growing process! I'm the Mom of a 18 yr old daughter, 16yr old son and 12 yr old daughter. My oldest daughter and I used to fight all the time - clothes shopping was a nightmare. If I liked something she automatically hated it! You need to "ride it out" I took a lot of deep breathes! One thing that did work for me was when shopping she would look at some thing I showed her and make a face and say something rude becuase she didnt like it - that would inevitably cause an argument. We came to the agreement that if it wasn't something she liked she could simply say, in a nice tone of voice "that's not my style", thus avoiding being rude to me. It worked and helped shopping become more tolerable. Just keep in mind that hormones are going crazy inside them and sometimes they want to be nice but are such a jumbled mess inside that they can't . Just let her know you understand. I also used to tell my daughter if she couldn't be nice, it was OK but she'd need to go be by herself in her room so that she didn't hurt other peoples (siblings, Dad, Me!) feelings due to the fact that it was impossible for her to be sociable. I'm happy to say we rode it out and are now friends and can go out shopping and to lunch without any arguements! It sounds cliche but they really do need their "growing space". As a Mom we want to cuddle and hold them still but at that age it doesn't always work. Hang in there, Teenaged years don't have to be as bad as they can be made out to be. Patience!!

Hi C., It is a tough spot you are in. Kids today have less respect due to what they see on TV etc. I remember when my daughter was a teenager, I also had a bad time. I had remarried and we moved and she was acting out everywhere. I tried to remind her that I only wanted the best for her and it was my job to guide her on the right road to the best of my ability. If I did not love her I would not take the time to discipline her. Remember, the root word'disciple' means to follow in your footsteps. You get respect by giving respect, not demanding. My daughter is now 39 and my best friend. My sons did not give me as much trouble. Not sure if I helped, but you must remain the parent and don't give up. I will pray that you survive as we all do. P.S Make sure you and your husband agree on her rules. Mixed messages cause problems. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

Without more examples, I am not sure what to suggest other than, have you seen things that would concern you? Could she be in with a bad crowd now? Dating a guy who is bad for her? Doing drugs?

I know all of us girls have gone through that at some point but I personally never did it to that degree. My mom and I were pretty close.

Have you asked her what's going on? Told her you missed her? Etc?

I wish you the best and hope you update us.

Hugs,
L.

Hi C.,
I'm not there yet because my son is only 8, but it seems to me it is a teenager's job to be extremely uncommunicative and not get along with their parents. Sometimes I feel like my 8 year old thinks that whatever I say is wrong, so I am trying to prepare myself. If you take it too personally you will both suffer. What you must have, though, is respectful behavior. So you need to find a way to not show that you are upset by her lack of warmth or friendlness, but set guide-lines for communication to include your keeping things respectful of her space, too. I am not sure where you begin other than to limit your conversations to the exchange of basic vital information, ie., where she is going, when she has to be home, when she needs to check in. Keep those exchanges friendly but firm on your side. Give her the new guidelines--"I thought about how things have been going between us and I want to let you know that I will be expecting certain information from you and those things are non-negotiable. But I also want you to know that I respect your privacy and don't require from you that I be your confidant. I am here for you if you want to ask me anything or discuss anything with me." Don't offer any unsolicited advice unless you think there are safety issues. I worry that I have been too quick to offer suggestions to my son and he will one day soon turn around and tell me to buzz off!
I think if you have that conversation--VERY BRIEF ONE--and stick to it, things should be more comfortable for both of you. Without the "pressure" of feeling interrogated or having her privacy invaded she may start to slip you some more info. But don't expect it.
Remember, if she is establishing her independence it means you did a good job raising a child who is ready to seperate.
Good luck!
A.

stop trying so hard to force it...find an activity that you both enjoy and do it together...even if it's going to a movie or shopping...not every situation needs to be life altering..take the pressure off and enjoy each other and it will open the door for the other stuff, when she asks what's the catch, tell her nothing you just examined your relationship and want it to be more enjoyable for you both...don't be a friend, be her mother but not everything needs to be so complicated. I taught pre school with my mom in high school, she was the teacher and I her helper(she paid me)and it was the coolest thing because I got to meet her as a person not just as my mom...it made us closer and to this day we are very tight! Good luck.

It has not happened to me yet I have a 16 yr old boy But
my friend has a 16 yr old boy and the last few weeks they
cant agree or get along on anything hang in there its all
normal

Lucky you.. let her have alittle room.. It may not change much at this point. But I also read somewhere when they push you away it means come closer .. just not at 16 .. because even if they feel that way inside .. they will refuse to let it happen.. it is there own growth mechanism at work .. creating independence which is necessary at that age. So do not take it personally it has nothing to do with your cool factor or anything.. although that doesnt end up making you feel any better.. I guess we still wanna wash their clothes keep their room neat and
tuck them in .. and its the hormones that are really blocking .. so blame it on those darn hormones.. Frankly, if you give her distance, she will come to you when she needs it .. Just keep being mom and it will work out fine, also remember the disciple. Think Happy Days .. Will Smith.. parents just dont understand.. teenagers get serious memory block.. remember absolutely none of those sweet moments that you wont let go and they exist in the moment... looking at the future.. expanding their horizons.. meeting new people and this newly acquired knowledge has them in a whole different sphere... what do you know ... you were not a school today!!!!
It just hurts and so do what you can remain supportive and it will work out fine.. Actually, it may be best to leave the discipline to dad .. so you dont have to wear the bullseye too much.. :)
PS..You have 2 other children to keep you busy .. maybe this is something that you could do together .. Having her be more responsible for her siblings keeps them bonded which keeps her closer to the family.

My daughter and I had always been really close but when she hit 14/15 she did the same things your daughter is doing now. I couldn't say or do anything right according to her. Her relationship with her father stayed the same (he was still perfect as far as she was concerned). At first my feelings were really hurt but I decided to find something that she liked to do and do it with her. Our thing became horses, she had been riding since she was 7. I bought us both a horse and we started taking lessons together and going on trail rides. I also took her on trips that were "girls only", an example being Prince Edward Island because she liked the Anne of Green Gables books. I took my mother on the trips with us usually, hoping to lead by example. I have always believed strongly in leading by example, even in the little things. I believe that your children will treat you the way they see you treat your parents. For us it worked. She is now going on 28 and married, we have a great relationship, she still likes to go on family vacations and spending time with her family. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Hi, C.--I would imagine with little ones at home and the kind of time they need, your daughter may feel lost in the shuffle by her own standard--meaning, as teenagers they think mostly of themselves and what they need. I have two teenage girls and one 11-year-old girl...so I feel your pain. My husband and I (married 19 years) are getting dumber by the day, according to our ever-wise teens. Finding common ground is harder but for them it's become their common ground. I've found by making time to spend time individually with each outside the home and in their interests, it's helped a lot on the more ordinary things. Don't be her friend but her interested parent. I have to verbalize it, too, I've found...I'm tied up with so and so right now but I'm very interested in what you have to say or what you're doing. Good luck and let her know you'd never give up on her or your relationship with her.

I've read the previous comments and concur with a lot of the advise, but was astonished to see none of them dealt with respect for you. My darling daughter and I had issues too at that age and it wasn't until I confronted her about MUTUAL RESPECT that she realized her behavior was unacceptable. If you are being respectful to her by listening when she speaks, giving her space when she needs it, guidance and love daily, then you should also be receiving such. As parents, we often become the doormat of our children because we live in such a privileged country. We encourage unacceptable behavior by letting them watch it on Television, hear it in music lyrics, and overlooking the poor behavior patterns of their friends. Drawing their attention to proper respect from them and for them is one thing most parents don't do. Children are not just kids, but future ADULTS. We're to train them in ALL aspects. If she is disrespectful to you, then you've got to show her point blank that behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Show her the same disrespect and when you've got her attention(which believe me you will get) - start communicating your feelings and her feelings about that disrespect. You'll be surprised to hear her say it didn't seem disrespectful until it was done to her.

Furthermore, walking away and shutting down are not acceptable in society so why should you accept it? If you blocked out your boss, he'd certainly let you know it's not to be done twice as he hands you a pink slip!! What is tolerated in the home is not always tolerated in public so if you would be offended by a stranger doing that, then let your young adults know it's not allowed at home. You're not doing them any favors in the long run if you don't.

Lastly, be patient. It will take repeated occurances much as walking, talking, and feeding did to get it to stick. You must out last your young adult. They will tire of fighting you but not lose the ability to fight for themselves. You want to bend the will not break the spirit - so just out last them. Remember the MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM phase and how you learned to ignore the constant begging for a toy or candy at the checkout - you out lasted their begging with NO-no-no-no-no. This time it's RESPECT you'll have to repeat.

I do wish you all success and if you're like me, you'll find this time rewarding as your young adult reaches a wonderful new level of growth and maturity by building a lasting bond through mutual respect.