We have been having major issues with our eldest son who will be 5 years old next week. I don't know if it is sibing rivalry because we have an eight month old baby boy, or if it is just the age...or, God forbid, if we are doing something wrong. My son has always been somewhat of a dramatic, tightly wound person. When he was a baby, he would freak out and scream and/or hold his breath at the weirdest things like pulling his shirt over his head or changing his diaper. He loves to be the center of attention and is a total ham as well. You have to remember that he was an only child for 4 years before the baby came along.
He has started having accidents a few times a day and I know it's just plain laziness. He would rather wear wet pants than stop what he is doing. He is destroying my things: poured out a bottle of handsoap, shampoo, lotion, gel...kicking walls and doors, putting my jewelry into the vcr on his t.v., rippin the couches by climbing on them...has been scolded hundreds of times...the list goes on.
I will get on to him and express my dissappointment or even sadness and he PROMISES not to do it again. He will go right back and do it as soon as I turn my back....ugh! He absolutely refuses to take a nap or clean his room, which he used to do very well. He now tells me "I don't know how to." Lies, lies, lies.
He has been sneaking food from the refridgerator and hiding the trash with food in or on in the entertainment center, under the couch and in his room....his floor was covered in ants a few weeks ago. He won't pay attention to me and laughs at me when I am trying to be serious with him. He pestures the heck out of the baby to the point that he is crying inconsolably all the while he, the 5yr old, is laughing hysterically.
We've tried time-out, taking things away, positive reinforcement, redirection and spanking....nothing is having a lasting effect. He is driving me CRAZY! Does anyone have a similar child and has been able to deal? Please...any advise would be good at this point.
Thanks to everyone who has commented so far...I have received a lot of useful information and some funny stories. It is good to know that I am not alone. I especially like the tip about the food dye...I'll have to check that out. I know that he is a good boy and he is really smart and sweet...he's just acting out for attention and maybe the problem is me not giving him enough. I am definitely going to try to make more time for him like when the baby is taking a nap and when Daddy is home to help out. Thanks again and I'll repost as things progress.
I am a behavior therapist for children with Autism, I would love to help you. Please email me at spanky7481. Talk to you soon.
First of all, please know that i am not finding joy in your misery, but i am happy to know that i am not the only one that is going through this, my oldest is 5, and the next is 5 mo, my son gives me the blues, especially when i am nursing the baby. He was never breastfed, now at age 5, he wants breastmilk. I even thoght that it would teach him a lesson if i let him taste it after i pumped, but he drank it all, and asked for more. He bothers the baby all the time, he now talks like a baby. He cant do anything anymore by himself, he doesn't even try. All that being said, my friend who has 3 kids, says that it is good to spend one on one time with each child. I know that my son is just looking for attention, but its hard to cater with everybody. so us new moms have to stick together, if you can find a babysitter for the little one, take the olderone somewhere he likes, ill do the same. Then we will let each other know how it went.
Good luck, please let me know if you find a solution, i am in need for one too.
I think your son is acting out for attention in the only way he knows how. He gets attention when he gets in trouble. Not that you give him any less any other time. But he uis fustrated that this little baby is taking his attention away. That he as mom and daddy all to himself. You need to set some time for him. Make a time where someone is watching the baby and go to the store for ice cream just you and him. To the park. Small things. If you can leave the baby behind then take him along with you same as your husband.If honey can shop with the baby and you two stay home. Find an activity that only you two will do together. Make a chart where he can look forward to it every week.Have him being your helper with the baby only if he wants to.He may be the type which my daughter is that responds to negitive reniforcement. Meaning they strive on that negive . Example when thay are little they hit a toy to make noise. So now as an older child he hits thst toy you to make you make a sound. And you do when you get on to him. The way to correct it. For instance when he brushes his teeth Sweetie you brush your teeth so well thank you. You are so great. Postive thought coming out. While he is playing so nice say to him I love it when you play like this this is great. When he plays bad dont use hate. It is such a harsh word. Use sweet soothing tones. with im. Even when he is bad. Get to his level and talk to him. Explain what you have to do with the baby. He might see it but does he understand it. Maybe enroll him into an afterschool program. Not Karate I dont like it personally but that is my opion. Good luck and my email always open I have been through this I know what you are going through. Good luck and I hope i have made some sense. I know I amde a few spelling errors I am in a hurry.Will correst next time.
Hi
I think "definitely" that your son is having a hard time with this new baby. He exhibits alot of behaviors that seem as if he is needing attention. Even though these behaviors are not ones that you agree with, it is his way of letting you know that he needs you.
Maybe you could try to involve him more in helping the baby. 5 year olds always like to be involved and be the "big" brother or helper.Also any time a parent has a changes within the household (baby, work etc.)kids tend to have their "sense of order" or the way they knew it before disrupted and it throws them off a little, and can make them have a harder time with things. Does he have other friends he can play with?
Good luck!
M.
Dear M.,
I'm sorry for what you're going through - we went through some terrible times with my oldest child, so I feel your pain! I encourage you to get a copy of 'Shepherding a Child's Heart' by Tedd Tripp - I found a used copy on www.amazon.com ... That book changed our family so much for the better! I've read other 'discipline' books, but this one went so much deeper - to the 'heart.' It can be maddening to try one different thing after the other -- and it works against you, because then you're not being consistent with any one thing. 'Shepherding a Child's Heart' got us going the right direction and I can't tell you how much better things are for us now.
Also, I encourage you to log on to www.AboveRubies.org and click "How to Subscribe" to start getting a free subscription to their magazine. It is a very encouraging magazine which helps support mothers. I pray that you receive the support you need!
Blessings,
R.
Supporting you as you nurture your family.
www.NurturedFamily.com
I have twin 5 year olds and I have to say that I am not so sure it has anything to do with the baby. My boys are my life. I spend as much time with them as I possibly can. My situation is different because I work 2nd shift and so does my husband. We are at our wits end. Last night while everyone was suppose to be sleeping, my kids went into my bathroom and poured baby powder all over my counter. I had a basket of laundry that they emptied out. There were some ring pops that I had put up in my closet on the top shelf and they got them down and ate them all, and some rice crispy treats as well. They have pulled the trimming off the walls. We have holes in our walls from where they have kicked the walls. They know how to use the potty but one of my sons has started pooping in my floor. My husband and I have thrown their toys away. We have taken t.v. away. We have to work. We don't know what to do. We love these boys so much and want to do what is best for them. I have even resulted to making them clean up all their messes for example, one of my sons wiped his hands on the wall like a napkin when we had pizza. I went to the sink, got a dishcloth and soaped it for him to wash it off. Nothing works with these kids. Time Out is a joke and yes we are consistent. I have completely come to terms that nothing we do or say is going to work because they refuse to listen.
Hi Machinzie! WOW!! Sounds like you've got a doozy here!! I have a son age three who is a lighter version of what you have, but with his brother being his twin, I've got TWO!! What one doesn't think of, the other will. I feel your frustration. After reading your request, I see two things: one - your son has been an only child for most all of his life. two - he has been in day care all this time while you work?...is this correct? If so, what was he like at day care? It sounds to me he is wanting attention. Here is a short story of mine...I took the twins to the doctor yesterday and of course I was ask if they are potty trained and I said NO! The twins know what to do, they just won't do it! Doctor told me to "put them in big boy underware full time, wearing pull ups only at night" I must have had a strange look on my face when he said this, because he then said to me..."and you, mom, have to CARE LESS if they mess their pants or not. They are old enough to be responsible, so make them change their own underware or wallow in their own mess". I said OK. Let me tell you another story from yesterday. One twin was told to go change his pull up, so he went to the bathroom to do so. Well, the other twin went with him. A little bit later, I checked on them and OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!! It was the most disgusting thing I had ever experienced!! They both had their poopy diaper off and stuffed it in the toilet. Then they took ALL of their clean pull ups and stuffed them in the toilet (up to the rim), then they took ALL of the toilet paper rolls and threw them in our bath tub along with more clean pull ups including another poopy one. THEN, the gross part is...are you ready for this?....they took the trash can and dumped it in the bath tub and turned the water on. Mind you, this is my 'time of the month'; therefore, THAT TUB WAS DISGUSTING!!!! Because the doctor told me to 'care less', I didn't show my frustration. My point is, if there is anyway possible you can "CARE LESS" (don't let him see your frustration) about what choices he has made, perhaps he will change for the better when he sees he only gets attention when he makes good choices. Really look for those good choices and PRAISE him. Yesterday, my son was acting up and I told him to go to his room. He said "NO"! So I made him stand up and put his nose in a corner. He whined about this. I gave him three choices 1. put his nose in a corner 2. Lay quietly on a pallet I made for him on the living room floor. OR 3. Go to his room and play quietly or rest on his bed. This way he had some choices and all of them were in my favor!!! :-) I'm only a mom using trial and error!! I hope you feel better knowing you are not the only one with this issue. Alot of it is a "boy thing". Happy Day!! :-) Deborah
I have found that food dye, esp Red #40 and Yellow 5 and 6 cause erratic and aggressive behavior in my 5-yr old. I have heard of other substances wreaking havoc on children's behavior. I know you are very busy, but if you could for a day or two make a note of what he eats and how soon after that the strange behavior occurs. I am having my psychoneurological testing done on my son. Have you heard of Pervasive Developmental Disorder? Some children exhibit different levels of strange symptoms that are attributed to this. The good news is that they can be treated by a pediatric occupational therapist and simple environmental and dietary changes can bring dramatic results. Check with your pediatrician (who may not be familiar with this, if not check with another one until you find help.)
Please know that you are not alone!
Hey M., I think your son is just acting out. This happens almost everytime there is a new baby- even though your baby is 8 months. Kids do this ALL THE TIME!! They see the baby getting attention and want to "be like the baby" I have a 3yr old who did similar things. Just be consistant and stick to your rules. Use time out and rewards. It will get better, promise!! Good luck and let me know how things turn out!-C.
Maybe you should get him a puppy or something. Something for him to take care of while you are taking care of your little one. Also, he will focus his attention on the puppy and not on mischief. It will teach him to be loving and responsible. Hopefully. It will take time to get him to be gentle but once he gets the hang of it. He will have a nice friend to keep him company.
Just an Idea, Good luck
You might try looking at the book "Strong Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson.
If he really is acting out because he wants to be "babied," how about taking away the things he has as a "big boy?" No trike or bike. No candy or gum. No crayons. Whatever you can think of that will hit home with him.
He's starting to outgrow the naptime thing. Try putting him to bed a little earlier if he's tired in the evening. As far as cleaning his room, set a time limit (we use the microwave) or try making a game of it: "Go pick up three blue things!" Or bag up all his stuff and put it away.
You know, if he's able to get into all the stuff you've mentioned, you might want to try "staking" him. Wherever you go, whatever you do, he has to be right there with you, maybe with a toy or two. Talk to him about what you're doing, talk to him about how big he is and how you want him to grow up to be a strong, smart man, tell him that since you can't trust him he has to stay right by you ALL DAY. If you go to the bathroom, he parks his hiney right outside the door and stays there until you come out. You may have to do this for several days before you start loosening the reins a little. Yes, it's an inconvenience, but then, so is cleaning trash and food out from your entertainment center! There's more on this technique at www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com .
Put your foot down, mama. Don't let a five-year-old push your buttons...
M.,
Hey I know what your feeling. I have a 41/2 year old boy a 21/2 girl and a 6 month old. My oldest acts out as well. Alot of people told me it was a boy thing. I have found that most of the times I have problems is because he is bored. If i don't keep him busy with activities he finds something destructive to do. I am not saying
I play 24/7 but I make sure there is something new to do each time I feel he is getting restless. I put up some toys and rotate them. This hasn't worked all the time but it has cut down on the destruction! Hope this helps.
