Help!!! My Kids Are Pigs!!!

DO NOT PICK UP AFTER THEM!! Go and get them - interrupt whatever they are doing and make them go clean up after themselves. There is no excuse for their behavior.

Have you tried rewards for those who do help? Sometimes a star chart can work wonders, although it does require strict adherence to the most stars = desired treat. No whiners after the fact can guilt you into treating everyone.

I have this problem with my 5 year old. The only thing that works is not privledges. If they want to watch TV the playroom has to be clean. If they want anything the rooms need to be picked up and trash off the floor. I make them do it - I will not do it for them. If they choose to go outside to play instead of clean it is bedtime right after dinner and shower.

It may seem harsh, but it does work.

Not to worry...help and peace is on the way! Here are three excellent resources for you. Think of them as lifesavers being thrown overboard to pull you out of the waves.

The Total Transformation Program is excellent. They also offer a parental help line that you can call to speak to a qualified therapist to coach you through the process. It is worth it's weight in GOLD! Particularly when you find yourself at your wits end and losing your cool. It will cost about $300. It was the best $300 I ever spent and we were tight for cash at the time. Their website is full of articles that are also helpful and that resource is free.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/

Parenting With Love and Logic will bring sanity back into your home with simple, non-confrontational techniques that will teach your children about natural consequences and provide essential life skills for a brighter future. Lots of books, CD's, and videos to help. Fun presentation that won't make your brain bleed with unnecessary psychobabble. Best yet - it works! Similar techniques to Total Transformation and works well in conjunction with that program. www.LoveandLogic.com Check your local library and they might have some of these resources available. It's good stuff.

John Rosemond is the author of the book, The New Parent Power. This is how great grandma raised the greatest generation. Another breath of fresh air for the worn out parent. I highly recommend it.

How do I know this stuff? Five years ago we adopted three kids from Russian orphanages ages 10, 12, and 14. They were officially raised by wolves!!! They had never lived in a house and had no clue what parents were for. We started from the beginning using these techniques and their first words in English were: Yes maam! Now they are doing well and we often get comments on how well behaved they are by strangers who have no idea of their history. If we can do it - so can you! Hang in there mom! Your children need to learn these precious life skills to ensure a healthy happy future. And clearly, you need a break.

Tip: On the clothes issue, I simply picked up their clothes in a basket and said nothing. When they ran out, I politely explained that clothes left where they don't belong will be laundered and returned at the end of the month (or week). No redfaced yelling or fireworks of any kind. Just smile and love on them. Let them go a couple of days without clean stuff and watch how the problem becomes theirs instead of yours. Let them solve the problem of how to keep a supply of what they want available. Of course, if they follow your instructions, this will never be an issue. Should they decide to challenge your resolve on this issue, feel free to take the collected items to Goodwill with the children in tow and allow them to buy new clothes there out of their own money. If that sounds too harsh for you, you can always calmly explain this consequence to them ahead of time and let them decide by their actions (not their words) whether or not this is an acceptable alternative.

Lastly, NEVER negotiate with terrorists! I don't argue. Just state your position, smile, and go do something else.

Good luck, mom!

Hi D.,
It sounds like you love your family and your sweet husband. That is wonderful and it is so important that you show that love so that your children won't feel like they need to act out to get your attention, if, in fact, that is what they are doing. The advice I will give may seem extreme but I KNOW that it will work miracles in your family if you can accomplish it.

1. Have a date night 2-4 times per month with your husband. One of the BEST gifts you can give your children is a loving marriage.

2. Spend one night a week as a family doing something fun together: Play a game, take a walk, learn something new, and make sure to have a treat at the end like ice cream or cookies.

3. If there is ANY possible way (and I mean ANY way: even if it means you eat rice and beans for the month, or cancel your cable subscription, or shop at garage sales), become a stay-at-home mom. The time you will have to care for yourself, your husband, your home, and your dear children will increase, as will your patience, tolerance, and caring. You are trying to do the work of more than one person and that is impossible. Some women do not have a choice, as they are single mothers and have to work, but, from what it sounds like, you have an amazing husband who would be more than happy to bring home the bacon so that you can be at home with the family and excel in the exciting and eternally fulfilling role as wife and mother. Some say such a role is an archaic and out-of-fashion idea but I would bet that one look into your children's eyes and one embrace from that 2 year old, one glimpse at your 8 year old at play, one sweet breath from your 3 week old, one funny phrase from your 6 year old, and one amazing act of kindness from your 12 year old would remind you that motherhood is not only ancient but AMAZING and that there is nothing more wonderful and fulfilling.

It is wonderful that you are on support groups online. Try to find a group in your community too that you can exchange for free babysitting and have fun playdates, etc. Perhaps, if you are religious, there is such a group at church or synagogue.

I know that if you try your best that things will work out. Just try to keep a REALLY broad perspective everyday and realize that you wouldn't want to lose any of your dear children and that even though it can be hard that you are doing what you should be doing in caring for these dear little ones. They need you so much, more that you know. No one can replace you.

Your friend and ally in motherhood,
A.

My youngest has had "chores" since she was three yrs old. At age she knows that her job is to put away her clothes after Momma washes and folds them. We started going thru a phase where she refuese to put her toys away. We nipped that in the bud with a trash bag. When she saw someone else was going to get her things she learned to put them away.

My oldest two are mine by choice from my husband's first marriage. They have lived with us since they were 9 and 10. When they go to visit their bio-mom she waits on them hand and foot. When they come home and expect that from me, my response is "I am NOT your maid, and you know how to do it yourself." They have been doing their own laundry since the 4th grade. That started when I wasn't washing their "favorite" clothes fast enough.

All three of our children have chores that they are expected to do around the house. There are those that are assigned and they get paid for, and then there are those that are just expected because they are members of our family. Every year they sign an "job agreememnt" that lines out exactly what their chores are and what they will be paid each month for doing them. I also encluded what happens when the chore are not done or not done to mine or their father's satisfaction. We actually deduct money from their pay. We also included the option to "hire" another person to do the work (another sibling, mom, or dad. If we have to "hire someone" the child that didn't do the work has to pay the hired one. Of coures Mom and Dad are more expensive. We even have a list of services with our fee. You should have seen my son's face when his fathe randed him a bill for taking out the trash!

Oh yes, the "jop agreement" gets signed by the child and the parents. We also review the agreement once year, like a merit review. If the child has done a good job they get a small raise the following year. If not, then there is no raise.

These are some things that have worked for us. Currently my oldest is 18, has graduated and moved out on her own. My middle child will graduate next year, and then we have the 4 yr old.

Bottom line, stop picking up after them. If you must pick up, do it with a trash bag and either throw the stuff away or donate to charity.

I hope you find somehting in this that will work for you.

okay, You totaly just described my house that I grew up in! Only a couple differences, My mom stayed home and my dad worked about three jobs. (they felt that was best for our family) And there were 6 kids.
I am only 23 but it has been 4 1/2 years sinces I lived at home. I am the oldes.
Anyway, I always hated the yelling, it did not make me feel loved or cared about, so there was no motivation to clean in that aspect. But I know the problem didn't come from cleaning. I don't ever remember really being taught to do these things. I do remeber being taught how to do the dishes, but when my siblings got older, it was easier to just have me do it than to try to teach someone else. YUCK!!
I know you are more than likely tired when you get home and frustrated already from a hard day, but your kids don't understand that, they wont until they are in your exact shoes.
Stop yelling. Set up a system for each kid, like a chore chart. Have a family meeting to have a reward for everyone doing there part. You know have small weekly rewards like family goes for Ice Cream, and then one monthly reward a little bigger like Family goes to Chucky Cheeses or what ever your kids will love. Work along side your kids. Play some upbeat, HAPPY music, to dance to, Let them put a sticker next to there name and the chore they just did.
You will have to start small at first, but stay consistant with the small, and gradually give them more.
I only have a three year old daughter and one on the way but my daughter loved the stickers. we started when she was about 2 1/2 and she asks us for stickers. we teach her to make her bed, where to put her toys and where to put her books and toy cloths and of coarse we are helping her.
Also praise that, that you see is good. if you see one of your kids put a dirty dish in the sink, praise him/her publicly infront of the family.
I hope this helps, I know I don't know the whole situation but it sounds awefully familiar.
L. Jo

I can't imagine how busy you are. I have two children and I keep pretty busy. Do you ever watch Super Nanny? I'm sure there's very little time for TV at your house. I record and watch it late at night. I don't want the kids to pick up bad behavior from the show. I've learned a lot about discipline, boundaries and structure from it. You're definitely out numbered and need to establish control. Good luck.

D.

I agree with the other moms... tough love! My kids have all learned that if it's on the floor after dinner - it gets thrown away. They learned really quickly when they saw that I meant business. After my 2 little ones learned, my 16 y/o step-daughter came to live with us and let me say.... what a slob! So she follows the same rules as the 2 kids -- after I threw out several of her makeup items and CDs she too learned. My husband and I also had a tough time with her not turning off lights... so the new rule is - every time she leaves a light on (I'm talking overnight, not for a few mins) it costs her 2 bucks. My husband would take it right out of her paycheck. After about $20 worth of reminders... she no longer leaves the lights on! It seems harsh but in the long run, you're doing your kids a favor.

D.,
Love and Logic teaches consequences instead of punishment.
please look into it. It is a huge stress releiver for parents as well becuase you learn that they will become responsible only by feeling the consequences of their actions. I t can feel painful to you while they are first learning these lessons but you are doing them more of a disservice now by not teaching them that they are important contributors!
A lot of school districts have classes and you can get the books online. Google "Love and Logic" and start enjoying your kids!
Prayers to you and all of your family,
B. P

The first thing you MUST do is STOP doing it for them. My husband and I are raising two of our grandsons due to the loss of their parents. My husband is retired so he thought he was doing great by running around picking up after the boys until one day he said he was too tired to do this all the time. That is when he realized that he was the problem. He had made them lazy. Now all I have to do is tell them one time and they pick up everything. If they do not, it is trash and that is where it goes and does not come out. I have laundry baskets labeled for the different clothes and they know where they go. It takes a bit of steadfastness to accomplish this but if you put food where they cannot get it without going through you first, they will soon get the hang of where trash and clothes go so that they can get the next snack or meal. It is not a matter of meanness, just good firm parenting. By no means are you to starve them (even if it sounds like a good idea) you just have to let them know that you will not allow that kind of behavior. Next, teach them to respect and obey. I find that church and Sunday school are the best reinforcements for this behavior. I am so proud of my boys, they are 5 and 7 and typical boys but they caught on really fast to the rewards for being neat, respectful and polite.

D.,

There is hope, But you and your Husband have to be strong and united if this plan is to work. I am the mother of 4 children. I had a 2 1/2 year old when the twins were born and then a week before they turned 2 my last was born, so boy can I relate. When we had this problem with our kids my husband and I cam up with a plan (but you both have to be as one and don't give in no matter what). My children wouldn't pick up if their life depended on it, (and at times I felt like my sanity did depend on it)

The first thing we did was buy a big box of Industrial Trash bags, we then sat everyone down and told them the plan even the almost 2 year old (they are really smart) then we told them that Sat was to be house cleaning day (we met on mon eve with the kids) on that day the house was going to be cleaned top to bottom and if they had anything out that wasn't put up where is belonged then it was going in the trash bag and they would have to do chores to EARN it back, well this all went over like a lead ballon but we were determined. The kids complained, and acted like we were the worst parents ever, but even with daily reminders they soon acted like this was no big deal. (I had tried things similar in the past, but it all fell on me, so when I finally enlisted my husband it made all the difference in the world, I also had to enlist the assistance of several of my friends, with the deal that I would be there for them when it was their Sat to clean)

Now the kids were given plenty of opportunities to pick up and clean during the week before Sat, several times we tried to assist them, make it a game,etc, all the while reminding them several times during each day what Sat was and that if their stuff wasn't up where it was supose to be then they would have to earn it back. No problem they really didn't seem worried. You also have to get the Other mother on board so that their is consisitancy in both houses. So Sat morn came and I had arranged for the kids to spend the day with their dad all day, (or till The house was done) I had contacted several of my friends for help and we got started,

Rules:
if it is broken, torn up, or trash - trash it
each worker took a room- they all had large trash bags and gallon,and sandwich bags to put things with small peices (ie: light bright pegs, Barbie clothes, etc, and a sharpie marker for marking.(Light bright pegs, Jessica's room, Barbie dress's - Sarah's room, Hot wheel cars - Nathan's room etc), so each big trash bag had lots of smaller gallon bags inside. We were done and the house was clean,

The kids thought it was great, untill the needed some thing, then the crying, begging, screaming began but I was secure that my husband and I were united so all the fuss landed on deaf ears. Even when I had to send a note to the teacher at school because homework got but in the bag and insteasd of earning it back they chose to cry and make a fuss. (by the was the teacher was way on board with the idea once I explained it to her). It took the kids a while but soon they got on board also.

Chores that would earn some thing back out of the bag:
1. doing homework without a fuss.
2. a random act of kindness to someone in the house this included pets, like filling the dogs water bowel when it was running low.
3. Picking up their stuff after school without being ask.
4. Playing well with their brothers and sisters.
5. Volintering to help out around the house.
etc...

It took about a week and 1/2 for the kids to come around but they did, and what a change! they begain to take pride in their things and to take better care of them. It really worked.

Hint before you help with any one's house have a get gettogether and schedule when ya'll are going to do every ones house.If you bug out on your friends, then they bug out on you)

This may work for you. Stop yelling, grounding, etc. First go out and buy a lot of heavy duty trash bags then have a meeting and explain the rules, post them somewhere and then follow through ruthlessly. For example anything found laying on the floor at 8pm will be picked up and thrown away/given to charity. Rooms are to be picked up on Sunday evening; anything not put away will be thrown away/given to charity. Food found outside the kitchen, e.g. cookies, granola bars, cups with milk, will not be purchased for at least a month. Give them a set of tupperware for outside - any additional pieces added to it will remove all tupperware. Explain that it is their decision to follow the rules and have a lot of empathy as you are picking up their possessions, e.g. "Wow, tough luck; I know you love Barbie but it was your decision not to pick her up. I really hope you remember next time." You can give a warning but you will clear a lot of clutter out of your home the first couple of times. This is really important - don't cave and give stuff back, especially with the older kids - homework on the floor it goes in the trash.
Good luck!

hi D.,
wow, you have your hands full! since you mentioned going on AD, i would suggest that you give yourself and your family more credit, u are doing your best, and life is never perfect. also, try reframing your thoughts, for example, instead of saying your kids are "pigs," use a more positive phrase such as "highly energetic and jumping into new things." i know it may seem silly, but that's just my training in psychology coming through. :-) also, you could try putting storage bins around the house so that you can just put things like socks and shoes and toys as you walk by, just to keep it more tidy. hang in there!

When you find food wrappers where they are not suppose to be, confiscate the particular food items. Yep, remove the particular food items from the pantry and place in your LOCKED bedroom. Clothing found... confisicate and give to Goodwill or place in a garage sale pile. Make them do their own laundry... when their laundry baskets are full, that's the time to do their laundry. They will learn that putting the clean clothes back into the laundry bin will make them work more. You could do the whites or designate a child to do the whites and rotate the child. Put aside the silverware and replace with plastic forks/knives/spoons. Obviously the two/three week old cannot do the laundry... but the older ones can and are old enough to know that no means no. Buy locks for the television/computer or trip a breaker that goes to those particular items. If they do not make their beds, remove the linens each time.... The skills you will teach them but observing the rules/mandating they do these particular chores will teach them how to survive in the real world.

Good luck.

Please tell me whats worked for you i have four slobs living under my roof you wouldnt believe the girls bedroom if i told you, 2 boys 2 girls g18,b17,b14 and g11 and i dont know what to do with them, i want to ship them off to their dad's for the summer just so i can have a break. I cant even go out for a couple of hour to catch a movie without coming home to missing food trash clothes and chaos in the house. Its so bad that i my husband would rather me stay home to to make sure they dont rip the house to pieces, or go back to work and schedule my hours around my kids....

Updated

Please tell me whats worked for you i have four slobs living under my roof you wouldnt believe the girls bedroom if i told you, 2 boys 2 girls g18,b17,b14 and g11 and i dont know what to do with them, i want to ship them off to their dad's for the summer just so i can have a break. I cant even go out for a couple of hour to catch a movie without coming home to missing food trash clothes and chaos in the house. Its so bad that i my husband would rather me stay home to to make sure they dont rip the house to pieces, or go back to work and schedule my hours around my kids....

Updated

Please tell me whats worked for you i have four slobs living under my roof you wouldnt believe the girls bedroom if i told you, 2 boys 2 girls g18,b17,b14 and g11 and i dont know what to do with them, i want to ship them off to their dad's for the summer just so i can have a break. I cant even go out for a couple of hour to catch a movie without coming home to missing food trash clothes and chaos in the house. Its so bad that i my husband would rather me stay home to to make sure they dont rip the house to pieces, or go back to work and schedule my hours around my kids....

Take things away from them. If they leave candy wrappers laying around, don't let them have candy for a few days. Start a lost and found box and make them pay a penalty to get their stuff out of the box. Give them a time period to claim the item or it gets thrown away. Don't replace it make them use their money.

so are mine...sounds very familiar

D.,
I used the black bag threat too, but only on toys. Those black bags disappeared into the attic for a few months. The next time I found those things out after I gave them back, and he didn't pick them up after one reminder, they went to Mission Arlington. I told him there were kids that didn't have nice toys and if he couldn't take care of his, we'd give them to kids who didn't have any.

Clothes are a necessity and expensive. I just told him to get them picked up or he was grounded. But, when my son was in 5th grade, I started finding the clean clothes that I had folded back in the dirty clothes pile. That happened a few times before I woke up and realized that he needed to see how much work laundry is. I taught him how to do his own laundry and he has done it ever since. (He's out and 24 now.) He stopped rewashing things over and over again. At that point, I made the rule that, he wasn't allowed to spend the night at a friend's or have anyone over or go to the movies until his laundry was washed, put away and his room was clean. In less than a year, I had moms calling me telling me that he was showing his friends how to clean out their closets and get organized.

Tell your kids to take pride in what they have. Be consistent and firm.

Also, tell your kids that you don't think they appreciate the snacks you get them. Warn the kids one time that you won't buy any more if you find one more wrapper. It will save you money and you won't have the hassle. Make them take 1 month without any of those snacks. Then tell them you will give them another chance.

I truly know how you feel. I'm raising my son's 5 year old daughter now and it is like I'm seeing him and his sloppiness again. All these great ideas from the other moms here have reminded me what I need to do now so I don't end up in the same place with her. Good luck!

My kids are messy too but they are only 5 and 3 and I've always been obsessive about cleanliness so they know that a mess better not stay around for long or mommy is going to be mad! They still don't clean up on their own though, I have to make them do it. A counselor once told me to give my kids choices. With every choice there comes a consequence. You either make good choices and have good consequenses or the opposite. You can give them a choice: they clean up after themselves or they don't get to do something they like to do i.e. watch tv, play with friends, talk on the phone etc. When they choose to not pick up after themselves then they choose to not get to do fun things. That works well for my kids, when I yell at them and tell them you better do this or else, it never works. When I rephrase it and say if you choose to not clean your room then you won't be able to play your X-Box, it's YOUR choice...they hop right up and get the job done. Seriously it works. Another thing that I have taught my kids is that we are fortunate to have toys, clothes, food, a house etc. and we need to respect our things and our home. We need to take care of the things we have so that they last a long time. That's something that I've been teaching them from day 1...it's a little harder to start something new like this with older kids but consistency works. Hope this helps, good luck! Raising kids is NOT easy!

www.housefairy.org is a great motivator! It worked wonders on my 7 (now 8) year old daughter. My 4/5 year old son liked the idea, and was more sporadic about his attitude in cleaning up his room, but now both of them are angels about cleaning up (most of the time, anyway). Also, www.flylady.net helped *me* before I found the House Fairy. In spite of my depression issues, my house stays manageable even through the worst days, and my MIL can call and say she'll be here in 30 minutes, and I can have everything freshly vacuumed before she gets here! It's not perfect, but it's a far cry from where it used to be, and FlyLady keeps me encouraged to keep working at it without yelling at everyone else. :)

With you working , you aren't home to re-enforce the duties. I was a stay at home mom and it was hard to keep up with a large family, but with a (friendly) family conference and a list of duties for each child, and they check off each day if they have did them, and if not lose privledges, and TV is the main one they hate to lose, this may help, and with a 3 week old it is stress if you are working to make you feel overwhelmed, you aren't back to (speed ) health or whatever you want to call it from giving birth, we aren't wonder women no matter what you read. I had a friend with 7 children, and she had it worked out cheerfully where they all took turns doing things like kitchen duties, but each of course had their own personal self and stuff to take care of, then when it was did ,they got to go play tennis etc.

okay first off, cut yourself some slack. Having a newborn will rock your world for a while. Don't worry about the mess for now and don't expect yourself to be on top of things. Your baby needs you the most right now and you'll never say later, "hmmm I'm glad I got that bathtub so clean!"

Now, here's an idea: make a list of the simple chores your kids can do. Assign each of your other 4 kids one day per week (you take the other 3 days) where they are solely responsible for those jobs. If the jobs don't get done they don't get dinner (until the jobs are done, then they can eat). Hopefully it will help the kids work together so that they understand if they make a mess, either they or their frother/sister will have to clean it up.

This method works for our family. Good Luck!

With mine.... the answer is after you get your things picked up and have taken care of your responsibilities.... If you haven't taken care of your responsibilities... you don't do the things you want to until they are responsibly taken care of. Even the 2 year old can pick up their things. It is a matter of keeping your promise... then they remember to keep theirs... No until it is done.\S. N

Love and Logic might be helpful to you. They have a website and many wonderful resources. Perhaps they do this for the reactions they get. L&L says to do your best not to let your kids see you sweat. So, when they leave out their clothing or toys, etc., ask them if they're going to pick it up or if they'd like you to do it for them.

If they do not immediately pick up said item, just pick it up and they'll soon learn that when YOU or YOUR HUSBAND pick up any of their things, they have to earn them back. L&L calls this energy drains and when they cause energy drains, they have to do something that's usually YOUR job to give you enough energy to give it back.

It sounds to me like you really need to put your foot down.... hard! Make a list of each child's chores, rules, and expectations and the punishment that will be included if they do not follow the chores and rules list and post it where everyone can see it. The punishments for each child need to be unique to their likes. One kid may need to have video games taken away, while the other the TV. Once they are posted you have to stick to them. Also, you need to instate a rule that if their things are found lying about those things will be taken away for a week, if taking them away for a week does not work, move to throwing it away.... GET TOUGH!!! Let them know that you mean business and you are not going to be nice about it anymore... stick to those punishments!!!

Hello,
I do understand. I am a mother of 5 kids and live in a house with 7 as well. 18, which is a girl, 14,7,5 and 2 all are boys and a husband of corse. First you have to really get a schedule together to help you out. Your children should be in bed for about 8:30 everynight and that way that gives you the rest of the night to catch up. Involve them in cleaning and chores, you'll be suprise chores can be fun at your children age and make sure you tell them how good they helped out. Encourage them that they are the best at helping whatever chore you assign them to do. Every morning get up with a prayer to God to streghthen you because that is well needed in any mother's life, streghth to face another day. Exercise you be surprise how much excerising help. I take my kids to the park for about an hour everyday and sometimes longer and let them run and wear themseves out so when we get home there are baths, homework, dinner and than straight to the bed. But again start a schedule. You will be fine. I live in texas and I dont have any help my family is all over the world and I am the only person in my family here, so if I can do it so can you. Another thing when your hubby gets home sometimes tell him you need a brake you are tired and just maybe he will pitch in and help. Well peace to you and dont sweat the small stuff before you know it they will be on there own remember we as parents have one shot to raise our kids the best way we can there is no turning back once they are raised. Make this your best shot at raising them and you will be reward. Have a great day!

You need to call in the forces. Ask for help! You are too busy to all of this yourself! Call your mother, mother-in-law, sister, friend, or someone to get re-organized and start over. Have a family meeting with the kids, and pass out a list of what they are to do EACH Day, or NO Privileges! On the day the step-children go home have a cleaning PARTY, about an hour before they leave, turn on kid music and set the timer for 20-30 min! You or huby deligate and when the kids get done they get a treat/prize. Then send them home before it gets messy again! Make sure your husband takes the two youngest children to play somewhere one day a week so you can get the things done no one but you can and to do something for yourself.

I have nine children and one foster, and have fostered more than 50 throughout my adult life, and once in a great while everyone gets lazy and we go through this. Here's what I've learned to do over the years:
A couple of times a day, I tell them it's time to pick up. Everything that doesn't get picked up goes in the trash, because I figure they don't want it. I give them a bit, then I get the trash can, and start tossing stuff in. Their clothes and shoes might go into another bag, and the bag is 'grounded' for a while, stuck in a closet or something so that they can't have it.
If they won't pick up their wrappers, then simply don't buy granola bars or snack treats anymore. Throw the clean clothes back on their floors, and DO NOT WASH THEM. Also, so not wash anything they don't bring into the laundry room. I'll never forget the day I finally implemented that rule, and my young teenage daughter looked at me in shock and horror when she had nothing to wear. Another thing I did was tell my older girls that I figured if they left their deoderant, make up, etc on the bathroom counter I would count it as empty, and throw it away. I had to sweep everything off the counter into the trash a couple of times before they believed me.
Take charge. You are the mother. If they don't take care of it, they lose it, and that includes snacks. A big spanking spoon works wonders for children who take my silverware outside to dig for bugs. They have garden tools and sticks for that.
Repeat to yourself: I am the parent, I am the boss...

D. R,
By now, your 12, 8, 6 should have some responsibility to keep up with their laundry, and keeping their rooms clean, along with other househould chores. As you can see, the yelling and grounding has done nothing to change their behavior. Have you tried taking away items that will cause them to think twice about their behavior? TV, Games, cell phones (if the 12 yr old has one now), etc. Have you sat them down for a family meeting and explained if the clothes don't end up in the dirty laundry hamper, or other bin, their clothes will not get washed, therefore, they will have no clothes to wear to school except dirty ones? Granted this is not what you'd choose to do is to wear dirty clothes to school, as this would be a reflection on you as a mother, but you could always have a conference with the teachers and explain what you are trying to do at home so they would be aware. Have you tried a reward system, letting them know if they DID do what was expected M-F then they would get a specific reward for their age, and they could even come up with something they would like. Just some ideas. Hopefully, they will realize their behavior is not acceptable and see how much you want them to help out as they should.

Dear D.:

I can feel for you! You must be overwhelmed! If you are desperate for a quick fix and want induce family co-operation, you may want to put things into storage for a while until everyone starts to pitch in.

When I was growing up, I only had three outfits and a small box full of toys. It was not a punishment, but more of a lifestyle (we moved once or twice a year). If you don't have spare clothing, you certainly do not throw what you do have around (well, if you do, you will have to dig it out of the laundry and wear it anyway). Even if everything I owned was spread out, I could put it away in two minutes.

If each person only has one set of silverwear and dishes to use, I doubt anything will be left in the yard. At least when they are hungry, they will bring it inside.

I would also stop buying anything that is prepackaged for awhile. It makes it too easy to grab and go - and leave the wrapper behind. It is healthier for kids sit down and focus on their food consumption.

When your family is ready to resume a more typical lifestyle, your family can maintain a happy home by using some of the techniques of Flylady (flylady.com). You can make a list of exactly what you want each child to do and put in in a page protector. Put everything down, including brushing teeth, hanging up their towel, etc. Make a list of daily and weekly chores. As the children finish each chore, they check off the box. This is oddly satisfying.:)Children can spend a short amount of time each day picking up their things. (they may be surprised how good everything looks in just 5 minutes). Perhaps 15 minutes per week can be devoted to bigger chores like cleaning out the closet. A time limit keeps the job from becoming overwhelming. Make sure jobs are age appropriate for each child.

You and your family will be much happier when everything organized. You may even decide that "less is more" when it comes to possessions. Flylady recommends ruthlessly getting rid of everything that is not used and enjoyed. The things that are keeping your home cluttered can be a blessing to others.

Try www.flylady.com It's wonderful! It's more than just a system to clean your house! Follow her directions and you will see a huge difference in everyone's attitudes and the house will be much easier to keep under control. She also recommends a system called that House Fairy that she has a link for on her sight. I think you would love it! Wishing you success!!!

G.

Large black traash bags, tool shed...
Okay, if you want to wear clothes, you will keep them picked up, if I have to pick them up, they will go in the trash (this is wear the toolshed comes in) After one week of no clothes, no toys, they will get the hint. The t.v. has to be earned,(or the trampoline) if you do not complete your list of chores, you will be limited to your room, (make sure the bedroom is a bed and lamp and clothes only)If they disrespect your things, don't let them use them!
I know this all sounds harsh, but if you don't fix this now, you may as well get a maid uniform!

Have you thought about warning them that anything left out will no longer be theirs? For example if they leave out the clean clothes then you take them away for a week or two. Good Luck

Growing up, we had a "Saturday Box". If my brother or I left any of our stuff out (homework included), it was put in the Saturday box. On Saturday, my dad paid us our allowance in dimes (we received a dollar a week- keep in mind that this was in the late 1980s). In order to get our stuff out of the Saturday box, we had to pay 10 cents for each item. We learned to keep our stuff in our rooms. My parents didn't pay any attention to our rooms, because that was our space. My kids are 5 and 3, if their toys are picked up before 5'clock- they get to watch Scooby Doo. As for the food wrappers? I'd quit buying the snacks with wrappers. Or, you could buy only fruits and veggies, so if they leave it outside, it is biodegradable and good for the lawn;) I agree with the tough love... you gotta teach 'em responsibility.

I resolved this issue by one either throwing items in the trash (it only took me throwing one thing away) or charging them for whatever was picked up by me or someone else in the house, the fee is printed on a paper in the kitchen and I mark it on the calendar by the date who and what and the amount. This was deducted from their allowance.
Then to earn that allowance they had assigned chores (each chores worth a certain amount) also marked on a calendar I didn' ask or remind if it the chores was done I checked at night before I went to bed and if wasn't done then an x and the amount of money they lost for the day was placed on the calendar. This worked wonderfully even for my grown nephew.

My fee scheduled started from .50 to 10.00

as for the food in the room whenI find empty packets from my son and I have the same policy no eating in the room. I put him in boot camp cleaning he is up at 530am (just 30 minutes early than his normal wake up time) he has to clean the kitchen, their bathroom, his room and vacuum, (which really is nothing more than going over what they have already cleaned up/If it was cleaned the night before nothing extra to do) then on weekends I make him clean the walls and baseboards.

Also through the (school) week there is no tv before 7pm do homework and then chores.

My kiddos do there own laundry on the weekends they are 16 and 11

i was there once before. it use to make me sick. i have finally put the law down. if i see shoes, clothes, backpacks, etc. i will make them stop what ever they are doing and tell them to go put them in their room. that has worked, they got so tired of me telling them pick their stuff up and they started doing it. i didn't even care if they had company. i made them do it right then. my kids are old enough now that they want to go every where. the thing is, they can't go anywhere until they have gotten all of their things put away.
i would suggest makeing a chore chart and when their chore they mark it off for the day and at the end of the week they will get a reward. whether it is money or a new toy.
as for the step children....been there done that. i told them that they could live like they want at their mother's but when they are here at my house you will respect me, your father and this house. it tookd a year for that to sink in but they got it down.

good luck

My step-son came to live with us and he was the same way. I know 1 is not as bad but hear me out. My step-son became an influence on my daughter. I wanted to go crazy. I had tryed yelling, grounding, etc and none of that worked. I would watch my step-son put things down where ever he was done with it. I started something that kicked it in the bud - actually 3 things:

1) I said nothing - the hardest part of this but keep reading.
2) If it was a toy, it went into a bag for "long term time out"
3) If it was anything else, I placed it in his bed while he was sleeping.

When he got tired of waking up in trash and realized he had no toys left, he stopped almost completly. I say almost as every now and then I find his shoes and socks somewhere and I put them next to his pillow!

Good luck!!!

First, it's not just your kids! I say the same thing about mine, and I think having a new baby has made it worse simply b/c I'm not picking up after them like I used to, so things get messier faster (just like you said). Here are some things I've tried. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. See if any of it helps you.
1. Try 10 minute quick clean. I'll set the kitchen timer and tell everyone to pick up everything they can find that is in the wrong place for 10 minutes. They know there is an end time and usually will pick up. You can do this several times a day, or just at the end of the day, whatever works for you.
2. Love & Logic...they want a snack, your response..."I have sad news...because you don't put the trash away after your snack, you won't be able to have a snack today. Maybe we can try again tomorrow." You can also tell them they can only have the snack in the kitchen, etc., but it sounds like you've tried that rule and it's not working.
3. Clean the house day. Every Thursday we have clean the house day. They have to help clean house by dusting, cleaning mirrors, etc. Their chores are age appropriate and we do 1 room at a time so I'm in there to supervise while they clean. This makes me feel better that the house gets clean all at one time, and my hope is that they realize what it takes to keep it clean and that they will try to keep things picked up better...they arent' there yet! They aren't real happy with clean the house day, but they do it every week, and since they know it's Thursday, they don't throw a fit like if they just came home on random days and I said "ok, today we are going to clean".
4. After dinner my kids are responsible for picking up their plates and putting them in the dishwasher, wiping off the kitchen table, and using a cordless vaccum to get the crumbs up off the floor. This helps the kitchen stay clean much better!

I hope this helps. I'll be glad to see what other people have to offer b/c I'm still looking for ideas!

You should go to the library and borrow some of the Love & Logic books. They take some effort, but are awesome! One thing they would suggest is that if one child doesn't do his/her chores, another one can do them but the first has to pay out of their allowance (or by giving them use of their toy, time on the trampoline, tv time, etc.). If none of the other kids want to do it then they 'pay' you.

If they use your stuff outside they need to either wash it and put it away, or buy you new stuff to replace it.

Yelling doesn't work because then it becomes about you instead of about them. (easier said than done - we have 7 kids!)

The stepchildren should have the same rules, because these rules will help them grown into more responsible adults.

Good luck! Please let us know how it turns out for you.

STOP cleaning up after them. Take a stand and take your house back. clean up after yourself, hubby and the 2 little ones. Do not do the laundry of the other 3, make them do it. Hopefully they will learn what you do and start to help. As for the food wrappers outside, take the privilidge away, do not let them on the trampoline if they are going to disrespect it. Lock up the tupperware, they don't need it (use the magnetic locks for babies. As for the 2 year old, teach him the "clean up, clean up" song from Barney. If you don't know it it goes like this,

Clean Up, Clean Up Everybody everywhere
Clean Up, clean up everybody do their share

We do this with our almost 3 year old and he has been doing it since he was 2 - 2 1/2. We do clean up every night before bed, he sings the song and works at cleaning up his room. We have to help some but not much. All we have to say is "Clean up, clean up" and he gets right to work. I hope this helps.

I think alot of parents go through this. Here is what worked for me. If it is on the floor, whatever it is, then
the item is put in a container or trash bag. That trash bag really worked.. never to be seen again was that item.
Books, music, toys, clothes, nothing was sacred. As for cleaning up the kitchen, you do not clean, you do not sit down and eat. Stand in the kitchen with a paper plate. Pigs do not sit at the table. Darn it if I would takes meds becasue my kids did not behave. Here would be my rules. You want to watch TV, your room is spotless. You want to hear music, your room is spotles. You put your garbage in the trash. Do not yell. This gives the child the control. I found this out the hard way. Stay on them , in their personal space, and INSIST that item is picked up. I can see the trouble. Mom at home is a slob with the step kids. Your kids see these two not picking up and hey, why should they? So, you cannot change Mom at homes standard but you can and should enforce yours. If Mom at home works with you you might mention this, but I wouldn't. I learned to pick my battles. If the children have no socks or have to wear clean clothes that are wrinkled, oh well. Tell them, this behavior will not work here, I am the adult and am quite willing for you to accept the concequences of your behavior. I would be very sure we went out to eat at a hot spot where peers would be present and those children would wear clothes out of the hamper. Teach them to wash their own clothes, also. Be tough and keep in mind this is not mean. I wish I was tougher on one of mine , but keep in mind this behavior does change. Good Luck.

Ladies, go to www.housefairy.org

and read the testimonies of other parents and look at the pictures of clean rooms submitted!

Good Luck and God Bless!!!

We have a "Sunday Box" at our house for each child. Anything that is not in its place at the designated time (like 7:30 pm) gets put into the box and they cannot have it back until Sunday afternoon! It is hard to get ready for school when your toothbrush and tennis shoes are in the box from the day before. And, yes, they may get in trouble for not wearing the correct shoes to school, but then they can explain to their teacher why they don't have gym shoes on. This has really helped a LOT at our house, and teaches natural consequences of not taking care of your things. Hope this helps!

D. R,

Like the ad says "Just say NO!". YOU and your husband are the adults. They are the kids. Be firm, but loving. Make them pick up their own messes and, maybe, sooner or later, they won't make so many of them. Make them pick up before they do anything they enjoy--video games, computer, sports, TV, playing outside, whatever. Make them understand that they can't do anything fun until the house is in order. Don't do it for them (with them, maybe, but not FOR them). Take control!

Good luck,

Deb D

D.,

I would start off with giving the chores to them. I had to do that with my two stepkids because I was running myself down. Now that I also have a toddler of my own, we are all doing our part of keeping the house clean. I told my kids, if they don't clean up then I can't make dinner or do what I need to do. It took a lot of work, since the kid's mom doesn't make them clean at her place. My husband is really supportive in this matter. They still moan and complain but they know that they have to do it. Maybe give them an incentive in wanting to do it. My daughter did the whole thing with the clothes and I made that her very first chore. She learned that washing clothes is not fun and that the clothes that she gets that are clean,need to be hung up. Hopefully this will help. This helped me out. There are 5 of us and two dogs in a HUGE house.

Do you ever watch Supernanny on ABC on Wed night? Probably not, you are too busy. Well, tape it if you can. She deals with stuff like this every week and gets great results.

Ideas that the other moms have told you are just like what she does but she also shows how to implement it into a house full of kids. Make a chart with rules listed and visible for all to see. If they don't follow the rules, they have to pay the consequences (as the moms explained). Charts are also great for positive reinforcement for a job well done and verbal praise is not to be forgotten. Cheer for the obedient kids and reward them! One week she also dealt with 7 children so I know it can be done.Organization and planning are key. Just remember, you are the parent and you are in control! Their teachers will love you for it also!

OMGoodness D., I swear you just wrote my life story. We are, too, a family of seven and I just had to leave my house Saturday afternoon because I thought I was going to go crazy with the mess and the other 6 family members just sitiing around doing nothing. I'm tired of the constant getting on to of my kids and arguing with my husband, I can not do it alone. Sorry I don't have advice for you but just know you're not alone and I'm looking forward to reading the advice other moms give you so I can try something new :). Good luck and happy cleaning!! :)