HELP! My Kids Fight like Cats and Dogs Constantly! 7 Yo Boy, 3 Yo Girl

Updated on August 07, 2006
D.H. asks from Gardner, KS
10 answers

I need advise. I'm ready to pull my hair out. I have a 7 year old boy with ADHD and an almost 3 year old girl (she will be 3 on Nov 6) who fight constantly! There are times they can play together like angels, but most of the time they fight and purposely do things to each other to irritate the other one.

My son will take her toys and put them where she can't reach them, flat out take them away from her, tell her what to do, hide things from her, tell her she can't have stuff even if she can, will push her out of his way or take his toys away from her that he wasn't playing with and didn't want until he saw her with it. He's on meds for his ADHD and it is finally under control wonderfully, but he's still a 7 year old boy and acts every bit like one!

My daughter will stand in front or pull her rocking chair right in front of the TV while he's trying to watch it or play a game, will take his toys...make sure he sees her with it and then throw it across the room when he tries to get it from her, will blow raspberries at him or flat out spit at him if he tells her what to do or says something that she doesn't want to hear, will rip his papers up...right in front of him....just to make him angry.

I've tried EVERYTHING that I can think of with them.
1. Time out. Works for him, not for her. She just keeps getting out of time out and running around the house. To put her in time out for 3 minutes takes more than 20 because she won't sit still.

2. Sending them to their room. Again, works for him, not for her. She will get out of her room and go into his, then the fighting starts right back up again.

3. Standing in a corner. Same results as above.

4. Making them help me clean other parts of the house that are not on their chore list. Which works okay, but takes more time than if'd I'd done it myself.

5. Taking toys or TV time away from them. Which they really don't care. They only get TV while I'm fixing dinner so by the time the fighting has started they are pretty much done with TV anyway. And they don't care about the toys, they don't have any particular "One" toy they HAVE to have so they just get something else to play with.

Got sidetracked with work and can't think of everything else I've tried.

Any suggestions or tried and true tactics that have worked would be greatly appreciated!

D.

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So What Happened?

Thanks for all the great advise. I definitely will be trying them out.

In response to one post. I do make sure she is accountable for her actions and sit her in time out on the kitchen floor while I work on dinner. And of course she will keep moving over and grunting/groaning to let me know she is unhappy. I will go put her back in the spot I put her and tell her it starts over. I have burned many a dinner while dealing with her! :)

My kids are in daycare during the day in different classes, so no fighting there. And in the car they are usually pretty good. Very few times do I have to get after them for fighting in the car. They have toys they can play with so they are pretty good.

The fighting occurs while we are home. With me or my husband or both. We try to keep them busy and apart while they play, but when they get bored or finally are allowed to watch TV then that's when it starts. I don't like letting one watch TV at a time because then not only is the TV on for a longer period of time, but the one that is not in the playroom watching TV gets upset because the other is getting to do something that they aren't.

There are times my son instigates the fighting too. So, he only gets sent to his room if he starts it. A lot of the time it's my daughter that's starting it. But I know how she is, she will do something to get him to hurt her, then run to daddy (mommy is on to her) and cry that "bubba" hurt her and then he will get in trouble.

I have nixed that though. I will step in and make sure that my son doesn't get in trouble because of something she started. She is very stubborn. If she doesn't want to sit in time out and I keep putting her back she will start screaming and crying and get to the point she can't breath. At which point I put her in her room and she can do it there. Then the putting her back in her room starts.

I know that she has daddy wrapped around her little finger and there are times he doesn't think she can do anything wrong. He's starting to come around. We only just recently got my son's meds figured out to where he is like a normal 7 year old boy now. Before he was extremely agressive and would throw things and try to break them, etc. She saw that for the first 2+ years of her life. So I know that has something to do with it. After taking him to a Behavioral Specialist who observed him and how I dealt with him, they helped me as much as they helped him. I realized some things I was doing wrong and how to correct them.

I have started telling her that if she can't stop crying and talk like I big girl then I can't understand her and won't talk to her. That works great. She'll calm down and talk to me until I can get her to understand that the fighting with her brother is not nice, etc.

Then I make them both hug, kiss and tell each other they are sorry.

Their rooms are their "safe" places to throw a fit. Jump, punch a pillow, lay on the floor and kick, etc. As long as they are not trying to break something.

I definitely like the idea of sitting in time out holding hands. I will let you know how that works and keep you updated. I plan on trying a bunch of different ideas though. I just know that my daughter doesn't like being near bubba when he's been mean to her so I'm hoping that will work.

Thanks!

Featured Answers

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A.L.

answers from Kansas City on

D.:

It is important to keep in mind that there is a big difference between a 7 year old and a 3 year old. Different expectations go along with age. I agree with another writer, that both kids understand and can sit through a time-out (she is testing you). I would reccomend a sticker chart. Identify one or two behaviors, and if they meet that behavior (be concrete), they get a sticker for the day on their chart (have them help you decorate the chart and hang it somewhere they can see it). When they earn three stickers, let them pick a reward! Simple behavior modification. Good luck.

A.

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K.G.

answers from St. Louis on

I would try to make sure who is really the instigator, and whomever is should take responsibility for it. If it's hard to tell who started it, then they both need some type of punishment, but you must be fair about the punishment. If your daughter will not stay in time out, get a playpen and make her stay in it for a few minutes. Tell her you are disappointed that she isn't being a "big girl," and that she's "acting like a baby." Threaten to take away activities that they like if they don't stop fighting (like going swimming, riding bikes, going to a movie, etc...).

Remind your son to have a little more understanding and patience with your daughter, since she is only 2-1/2 years old. Reassure him by telling him that he's the "big kid" who knows a lot more than his sister since she is so young. Tell him she should (we hope) get easier to deal with the older she gets, and remind him that her behavior won't last forever. BUT, that doesn't mean your daughter should get away with anything.

If nothing works, try to keep their playrooms separate, and if they violate each others space, then certain toys or activities will be taken away for a day.

If none of this works, I would call Nanny 911! If you don't want to go that far, then you can contact a Behavior Specialist and have them observe your children in your home to see what they think.

Good luck!

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S.W.

answers from Kansas City on

Hi D.,
You have received a lot of responses, so I'll keep mind short - feel free to email me privately and I'd love to help you sort this out and develop a plan for changes.

My suggestion is to think of each of the kids as completely separately. In our busy lives it is tempting to use the same punishments, the same consequences, etc. for our children. However, that isn't working for you - or your kids. It sounds like they are trying to negotiate a relationship between themselves which is challenging because of their ages. And because they don't seem to be interacting appropriately with eachother - attention and relationships are sought by annoying eachother and making eachother miserable.

Treating your children differently isn't wrong - its respecting their differences. Favoring one child over the other is wrong. Different punishments and different standards are appropriate for each - a 7 year old should have dramaticly different expectations than a 3 year old; and should have different punishments.

Feel free to email me - here or at ____@____.com to discuss this further and to create a positive behavior change for your kids. Parenting should be fun - not frustrating.

Warmly,
S.

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M.

answers from Bloomington on

Hey D.-

My initial thought is to spend some time with the three year old to get time outs through to her. I would suggest finding a place near where you are working on dinner or at the computer, etc. and having her sit for her time out near you- not exactly with you but where you can see her when she gets up and where you can correct her without totally leaving what you are doing. Then, when she is disobeying, have her sit in that place and tell her she may not get up until she has sat in that spot for three minutes (I do timeouts one minute for each year of the child's age). Then each time she gets up, replace her on the spot and repeat instructions- you may not get up until you have sat here for three minutes. The time does not start until she is sitting still and does not accumulate- like she sits still for one minute before getting up so she only has two minutes left- each time she gets up she has three minutes left. It will be tedious at the start but once she realizes you are serious and that her brother gets to continue the show or playing when he has finished his time out respectfully, then I think she will get the picture. Maybe when she is more obedient you will be able to send her to her bed for a timeout.

Hope this helps- good luck!

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T.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Hi D.

I am wondering a few things. If both you and your husband work in town and have a long drive where are the kids and when and with who does all of the fighting go on. Do you and your husband both work full time? Does the fighting happen only at home with you and/or your husband? Do they go to a sitter or day care and fight there too. I have lots of advise, but I want some more info so I don't give you more info then necessary.

Despite the fact that I don't know more of the situation I think I have gathered from what you wrote the three year old likes to test you a little. From what I know about kids (its what I do for a living) a three year old should be able to serve a time out for 3min or until mommy says it's over. Three year olds also love to test anyone and everyone, they are very smart. It sounds as if your son, as you said is still a 7yr old boy and does 7yr old boy stuff (not always good or nice stuff) but you sounded as if it was normal expected behavior. Now the three year old has a long list of some mean things she does to her brother and you and dad and anyone else she can test. So If she does something to her brother, he freaks out and pushes her down and the the situation goes from calm to both kids screaming and fighting and you ready to rip your hair out. So you are going to do what is quick and will work. So the 7yr old gets sent to his room. He now leaves mad at you and his sister, and sister won. She was not held accountable for being a little stinker. She knows the game. Think about the power she has over you, the controle she has. She got brother mad and sent to his room, mommy is probably now giving her hugs and kisses because brother hurt her when she was pushed down. And even if she gets in any trouble she knows you will not hold her to it, after 20min SHE WON!

I may be way off on this but it sounds like the 3yr old causes a lot of the problems, she instagtes, brother gets even and gets in all the trouble. It just sounds to me like she needs to be held accountable for her actions.

The 7yr old will always pick on his sister and do normal brother stuff. But he probably will stop doing some of the mean things he does to her if she is no longer allowed to cause the problem or start the fight that he takes the fall for.

Sorry if I read into what you wrote wrong, and maybe you do have an affective way to correct her behavior. I just got out of it that she does not respond to time outs and such, but your son does. bottom line is make her accountable for what she starts, and yes he should know better then to do some of the stuff he does, but his will probably stop once she is stopped. And until she stops give him some better tools to handle his frustration. Deep breathing, drawing, play dough, and talking to you or dad.

Good luck

T.

T.

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S.C.

answers from Tulsa on

Spare the rod spoil the child!!! I can completely relate to your situation I have 4 children 3 boys and 1 girl; ages 8, 5, 4, and 1!!! Most everyday one is fighting with another. I have tried seperating them but as soon as they are back together then someone is fighting. The only thing that works very well is for all who is involved to get a good old fashioned spanking. Yes even my precious little angel!!! I used to feel bad, and think "she is to young she doesnt know what she is doing"!!! Not anymore she gets that spanking and straightens right up. And now they dont have to get spankings all the time because they know that I am not playing with them and that there are consequences to bad behavior. I hope this helps!!!

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R.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Sounds like a respect issue. They don't respect each other, their toys...your sanity! :) I know it can be difficult to deal with when your son has ADHD. It sounds to me like your daughter is learning her behavior from him. I bet if you can get through to him she will certainly follow suit. I have a son with Autism and it is extremely difficult to get him to act properly. When he gets out of control with his big or baby brother, I literally sit with him in my lap and explain how to be nice and respectful. I don't do it in a threatening way, I will even do it randomly. The point is respect is a learned behavior, you and your husband are the teachers. If your older son can learn it, your daughter can learn it, and there will be peace in your house once again.

Well, in my opinion at least. :)

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J.P.

answers from Kansas City on

I think I agree a little bit with what Tracie said. It sounds as if your 3-year-old kind of "gets away with it" since time outs and sending her to her room only last for a few seconds before she's out and causing trouble again. Basically it seems like you're saying that "I try to punish her, but nothing sticks, nothing really works"

Your 7-year-old, on the other hand, sticks with the punishment you give him, but it's not really changing the behavior for him, either.

I have a 3 year old and time outs *do* work for him. They didn't at first (we started using time out when he was right about 2, I think), but persistence of us telling him "NO, you do not get up when we've put you in time out" or "no, you cannot have a toy, you're in time out" finally got the point across. And now when we put him in time out, he knows he has to sit there and wait for us to come and talk to him. So, maybe you can work a little more with enforcing the time outs or staying in her room with your daughter? I know it's not easy, but it might pay off in the long run.

Otherwise, "punishments" only really work when it's something the kids care about. You said that taking away tv and toys doens't work because the kids don't care. If you can't think of anything that the kids really really care about and will miss if you take it away (say desert after dinner or a special activity they look forward to doing on the weekends when you're not working?)... change tactics. Maybe reward the really good behaviors instead? Tell them that if they can get through you fixing/everyone eating dinner without a fight they can have X (whatever they might really enjoy and *want* bad enough to be good for). Then legnthen the time they have to be nice to each other... say 3 days, then a week, then 10 days before the next big reward. Use a sticker chart and everything - it'll help you (and them) keep track of their progress.

It's just an idea and I know a lot of parents don't like "bribery" but I find that with my 3-year-old, it works. And as long as I keep *most* of the rewards being praises and hugs from me (on the days he's nice to his brother I tell him all the time what he's doing right, praise him for doing well, etc. and every now and then if he's gone a long stretch without me having to get onto him - and for him a long stretch is 3-4 days, he's still only 3 - then I'll say "you know what, you've been really good with your little brother lately, would you like a new matchbox car or a new thing of playdough?"). The material rewards aren't set in stone and are random, so it's not like every time he's nice to his brother he's demanding a treat, but it does help reinforce the good behavior.

Doing positive reinforcement along with the strictly enforced time outs when he's not having a good day have really helped his behavior immensely, so maybe something like this could work for you.

Good luck.

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J.T.

answers from Kansas City on

My brother and I were also 4 years apart (he was the younger one), and fought like crazy. The one thing my mom did was make us sit together and hold hands instead of plain time out. Or sit across from each other and say nice things about each other. Not fun when you're a kid. I think it is definately attributed to the age and gender diference. We grew out of it by the time he turned 16. Now we absolutely love spending time together. I know that doesn't help now, but maybe holding hands will. Hope it gets better soon!

J.

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D.F.

answers from Kansas City on

Check out sarahwhiteonline.com or call the Founder and Director Sarah White.
THe Institute for Parenting and Family Development's
individual family observation program could really help!

Let me know what you find out!

D.

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