HELP My Mom Is Driving Me Nuts

Jenny,
I understand way too much, as we're also living with my parents while getting our housing figured out, and my mother thinks she's my son's mothers. When it comes down to it, the only way address the situation is to talk with her. If your mom is like mine, she'll get really defensive, and claim she's only doing what she thinks is best for your child, and show proof that she did something right with you, but you have to request for it to be your turn. Thank her for everything she does too. It will may seem confrontational in her eyes, but you have to stand up for your family. If you can reduce the tension by talking after your child has gone to bed or when your mom is at her most relaxed, that might work best. Good luck!

I wish you the best! I don't have much to suggest, my son is twelve and until this summer I had the same problem/s with my mom. Except my son was at her house everyday during the week, because he went to school in her town, so she would pick him up from school. My mom had "withdrawls" when my son started staying home this summer and not going to her house, she even called him everyday. And he's not going to school in her town this year, he's going in the town we live in (long story as to the school thing) and I'm pretty sure my mom will survive. LOL!

I don't know how many daycares are in your area, but it is an option to take him to a daycare farther away from her house?? Maybe if it wasn't so convienent for her she wouldn't drop by everday. IF you do decide to do something like that, just make sure you explain to the daycare provider WHY you are taking your son somewhere else. Being that she isn't exactly kosher with your mom being there everyday, I'm sure she will understand.

My only advice is confront her now and try to get it resolved now or else you'll be like me and deal with it for 12 years!! And that is not fun. I battle my mom all the time, because from the day he was born, she thinks SHE is his mom and after 12 years, sometimes I think she still thinks that.

Again, you have my prayers and I wish you the best. Its a tough situation, espically when you are living in their home (we did that too for about a little over 3 yrs total) so I really feel for you.

If you ever need to vent, talk or just need someone who knows how you feel just to listen, feel free to mommymail me anytime.
I may not have any suggestions, but I will be a sympothetic ear.

LOTS of HUGS!! K.

Oh, one more bit of advice - if you don't want her dropping by YOUR house everyday, don't live too close! :O)

Ask her why she can't take care of him anymore but goes to see him. Your not offending her , you are just clarifying things. Also, suggest that she go at lunch time to enjoy lunch with him. Or go while they are outside playing. This keeps her away at nap time. Or you might mention that he seemed very tired today and you wonder how much of a nap he got, especially on the days you know she was there at that time. If she misses him so much, ask her if maybe half a day with her and half with the daycare works. That way he interacts with other children and she still sees him and then gets her time alone.

Jenny - After reading some of the other posts I have yet another angle for you. First, I'm a mom who has previously send my children to an in home daycare. And second, I am now a licensed in home daycare provider myself. someone responded "what's with the daycare provider she doesn't want your mom stopping in?". I can tell you what is probably "with her". When parents or grandparents stop by it disrupts the entire day. Don't get me wrong, I encourage an occasional unannounced visit from moms and dads to allow them to know they can pop in any time to see how their child is doing. However, my policy is also that if they stop by, they need to be prepared to take the child with them. The vast majority of the time, once a parent or grandparent is seen by the child they want to naturally go home with them and throw a fit when they can't. It disrupts the child's day, other children around them and myself. Further, as a mom, I would tell my mother this as well as that she made the decision that she didn't want to watch the child any more and she needs to let go and let the daycare provider do her job. You can say this without being harsh. Tell her you appreciate all that they are doing and have done for you, and that you are trying to move forward on your own and having the child in daycare without grandma stopping over is one of the steps in doing that. I agree that the daycare provider could be the one to tell her, but ultimately I don't think it's her responsibility if you as the parent don't want her stopping in then I think you should tell her. I agree that the provider needs a policy - mine is, no visitors between 11-1 as that is nap time and if you come before your normal pickup time, you need to take them with you. None of my parents have a problem with it and they understand why I do it that way. good luck to you! K.

On the daycare issue, it is up to the daycare provider, in my opinion, to say something to your mom. UNLESS the daycare provider has asked you to adress the issue. It's easier to ask them to back off if the original message is coming from another source than yourself. I live with my mom-3 years now-OMG! There are several good things that have come from us living there, but we have certainly had our issues.
My mom is the martar as well, if I "confront" her with something that bothers me, she turns it around and it ends up being all about her. She's always been kinda mean to me, and I hate to see it happening to my son as well. We do live under her roof so we do obide by her rules-mostly. Make sure you give mom her breathing room and try not to depend on her too much. I have had to start hiring sitters if I want to go out in the evenings, to avoid her thinking I am taking advantage of the situation. Remember, for good or bad, they are doing what they think is right. They are human and not perfect, and just like everyone else, need to be reminded of their boundaries sometimes. Good luck to you!

hum? well I would definately talk to the care provider and explain the situation-that you want to be notified of any problems, not your mother-etc....

I'm sorry- my mother is very "in your face" too and some times you have to pick your battles. This probably makes your mom feel important and more worthy. It doesn't sound like she's trying to undermind you...just laugh and smile and be thankful you have a mom who is involved with you and your child.

Good Luck! H.

So does your mom want to take care of her grandchild rather than have him go to daycare? Did you discuss that with her or was it not an option because of relationship problems you are having with her. Obviously she loves you or she wouldn't be providing you a home right now. Both of my parents are deceased along with three siblings and I so wish that I had spent more time with them and that both my children had been able to meet them or spend more time with them. What is it about daycare that you want him to get? Socialization? That will come when he is in school. I just believe that family is so incredibly more important than anything else. Why not have your mom visit him everyday if they both enjoy it? What is it about the daycare provider that she doesn't want your mother dropping by so often? Anyway just some questions to think about and I do hope it works out for you. Obviously I don't know your mom or the problems that you are having but I do hope the best for you and your child.
Take Care,
Tam

i'm not that familiar with home day care procedures only facility types. but isn't it up to your provider to tell her?
have you talked to her yet about how you feel? i couldn't tell from the post.
it's kind of a hard stop. so many different angles.
1-she's the grandma and who wants to turn away a grandma
2-you are paying for something, but heck why don't she just watch him instead if she is always gonna be there..lol
3-why make a fuss, what is she hurting. once she is gone you would want this time back that she could spend as much time with your son as possible
4-he's your son and it's what you want for your son(the day care experience) so she should respect that.

so many different angles.. i can see points from all of them. so it's hard for me to give you suggestions. besides to talk to her in an unagressive tone. and as a couple. not just you.
or have the provider talk to her instead.
good luck..
i really hope your relationship improves. she the only mom you have. and like i said once she's gone you will wish you had all those times back good or bad.

Well, when you say she took care of him last year. Was it a daily basis? If so, then she does have some first hand knowledge of how to deal with certain situations. Like many grandparents (or people in general) we feel good when we can share our knowledge and be helpful. Remember you placed her in that position by having her help. True, she should know when to back away, but some of that is human nature. Be sure that you just not totally blaming her for a situation that you placed her in to begin with.

If the sitter does not care for her coming around so often, then she NEEDS to say so. She can express that politely to you mom. If you mom gets offended that's her choice to be offended. The provider is only doing her job and she needs to be able pay attention to the children in her care, not entertaining guests at the same time.

if you're living with your parents, then it's not helping the situation. Is she not basically around you son when he's not at daycare? It's kind of like weaning, it will take time for her to adjust to the different lifestyle of not having him around to fill her empty hours.

Your provider should have rules set up, like from lunch through naptimes no "visitors" as it can be disturbing for children to get to sleep and awakening them.

You can be upfront with her and nice at the same time. But remember that you've kind of created the "monster" by the choices you've made. Sure they may be necessary right now, but keep that in perspective.

Personally, I think if the daycare provider has a problem with it, they need to say something to your mother. Also you could mention to your mother that it's great that she wants to spend time with her grandson, but you are paying good money for the daycare, and he isn't getting the daycare experiance. You also paid for the daycare to watch him, not her.