Help! My Wife Has Given up on Bedtime!

You describe the daily routine of your stay at home spouse as "volunteering, posting, emailing, and blogging". I will warn you that there are many women on this site who do the difficult job of stay at home mothering and can tell you that does NOT accurately describe the day of a stay at home mother! But - that DOES describe a common misperception of the day of a stay at home mother (although you forgot to mention "watching television" and "eating bonbons"). And unless you have a secret camera watching your wife, you really don't know how she spends her days. (The idea that you would take your daughters' description of their mother's computer time as gospel does not bode well for your marriage.)

Do you work outside the home during the day? Who created the bedtime division of labor? Maybe, after a day of taking care of the girls, your wife needs a break, and you could make bedtime "your job" for all three girls? (Sometimes a spouse who works outside the home even *enjoys* being in charge of the morning routine or bedtime routine because of not being able to spend time with the children during the day.)

Talk to your wife about how she is feeling and discuss how you can support each other's needs.

And, to the extent that you and/or your wife are allowing a not-sick child to skip school - stop doing that, she needs to go to school!

Why aren't you putting the twins to bed together? You could just include the other twin. They could take turns re: who's room you sing and read in. Once they are sleepy you could carry or walk the other twin to their room and tuck them in.

This makes no sense to me that you would spend almost an hour putting one seven year old to bed, 15 minutes on the 11 yo, then you just tell the other 7 yo to go to bed. Don't you think they could be feeling a neglected by you?

I also find it odd you would expect your wife to "play" with 7yo's and an 11 yo. They are old enough to entertain and play themselves. Sure we played board games or card games as a family and reading together is great but play? SMH. Do the kids help prepare dinner, cleanup after dinner? Does your wife assist with homework? I would love to hear your wife's point of view.

I don't know what your wife's issues are, but the immediate bedtime management solution for the twins is fairly straightforward; the job of bedtime is your responsibility as the aware/involved adult in the house. Fair? Ideal? Nope. But it's something you have to do. So starting now, at bedtime, always make sure all three kids are attended to before you go do something else.

Your general bedtime thing is odd and seems to show favoritism. You check in on the older kid, and one twin gets an hour of your time every night, but the other twin gets little to nothing from you. Is that accurate? If so, that's a pretty big issue on it's own.

The twins should go to bed at the same time. You need a new routine. Reading is great - you can read to them at the same time in even if they sleep in separate rooms. After reading, tuck each twin in and give her 10-15 minutes of talk time, like you do with the 11-year-old. Skip the singing and playing, that's not a good bedtime habit.

(Also consider making everyone's bedtime earlier, by an hour or so.)

After you've addressed the most pressing issue with bedtime, then you can have conversations with your wife. Even though you're frustrated, it's important that you not go on the offensive right out of the gate. The goal is to figure out what's wrong. Ideally, it is something that you two can fix it together.

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." - Stephen R. Covey

Why don't the twins share a bedtime routine? I don't understand why they have separate bedtime routines at all.

You could rotate nights (you do it one night, she does the next and so on), but they can both have a story read to them together, tucked in, prayers, etc (whatever the routine is) and both go to bed at 8:30. You didn't explain why you aren't doing this already.

My kids are 3 years apart and different genders. And they still shared a bedtime until the oldest was in about 5th grade. Then he started doing more his own thing and bedtime changed for him a bit due to homework responsibilities keeping him up later beginning in 6th grade.
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ETA
And yes, the commenters who mentioned the glaring lack of other things your wife is responsible for are right on the money. I did it for 17 years myself. Who pays and tracks the bills? Who schedules and delivers kids for doctors apps? Well child apps? Dentist apps? School evaluations? Open House? Play dates? Sports? Music lessons? shopping trips for school clothes? Special occasion clothes? Birthday gifts (for your own kids PLUS the parties they are invited to for friends, oh and delivers and deals with that whole thing)? Wraps said gifts? Grocery shops? Keeps the list of what supplies you need? Puts the toilet tissue ON the roll? (Yes! this counts!) Cleans the mirror in your bathroom? Wipes up the pee off the floor in front of the toilet? Schedules oil changes and maintenance on your vehicle(s) and takes them and waits on them? Prepares the meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner--- and makes sure lunch items are there, including packing materials, lunch boxes, ziplock bags, drinks, and that the frozen packs are actually frozen by morning)? Goes over homework with the kids? Picks up the socks from the floor? Puts away the laundry? (I could wash/dry laundry all day long, but I HATE putting it away... and apparently so does everyone else in my home). Empties the dishwasher? Makes sure the sink is clear of dirty dishes before going to bed every single night? Locks up the house at night? Takes care of any pets and vet appointments? You get the idea...

This sounds like an overly elaborate bedtime routine for 7 year olds. At that age I simply announced it was bedtime, turn off the tv get your pj's on and brush your teeth. Then I could come in, read a story and shut off the light, no big huge ordeal.

Your wife may be tired, depressed, overwhelmed or have something else going on. Or she may just be fed up with this routine you have established.

ETA: If these girls need so much assistance to fall asleep it sounds as though they would benefit from sharing a room, as others have already mentioned.

ETA: Do you have a nanny, personal assistant or a housekeeper? If not, then I am afraid your wife does a lot more during the day than you are imagining she does!

ETA: Why would you wife be playing with the kids? They are old enough to entertain themselves and have each other to play with.

How about you take ownership of this and send your kids to bed at a reasonable hour and leave your wife out of it? "I don't mind helping out" - what the hell does that mean? You're not a "helper" you're their parent and are equally responsible for raising your kids.

Your routine sounds lovely but clearly isn't working. At 8:30, send both 7 year olds to bed - they brush their teeth, put on pajamas, read to themselves for a few minutes if they like (or you can read to them but with two, I would do that together before they go to bed) and then it's lights out. Send your 11 year old to bed at a reasonable time as well. I think 10 PM is way too late for an 11 year old and would dial that back to 9 but that's not the point.

Your kids aren't toddlers and you're not the help. Send them to bed and quit whining about your wife.

I like chacha's response personally.

I would put the twins to bed together. I have two that are very close in age. When we were up for it, we would read to them separately and tuck them in. We'd switch it up so that we each had one on one time with each child.

I find it odd that you don't do that. That would be my first suggestion.

We didn't always feel up to one on one time at the end of the day.

A stay at home mom, as chacha mentions, does a lot more than just blogging and posting - she runs the house, prepares meals, shops .. aren't you guys out and about for activities? playdates? other things that just the computer?

The other thing I would suggest is putting the 7 year olds to bed a bit earlier. Mine went to bed earlier than 8:30 pm. If they fall asleep by 9:30 pm - my children would have been tired. Just something to consider.

I am a stay at home mom. I am tired when I put my kids to bed. I am often in my pajamas not long after my kids are. I have a physical issue - but I'll tell you, a lot of my friends are also tired by the time 8:30 pm comes around. They just want to flop. So there may be a physical issue with your wife - maybe she could benefit from some nutrients (B12, iron, etc.) - but why not suggest a physical? That's what I would do. She may be anemic. I am. I'm exhausted by the end of the day.

Sounds to me like the overall big problem you need to work on is how to communicate more effectively with your wife. From how you describe her day, like chacha says, you sound a tad disrespectful. Your wife has a full plate working at home. I'd approach it from a position of caring rather than you're shucking your responsibilities.

I am a SAHM (do work part time as a sub teacher but it is so flexible I really count myself as a SAHM).

I am going to ask a few questions.
Who gets the kids ready in the morning?
Who takes them to school?
Who coordinates their school activities (homework, being in choir or clubs)?
Who takes them and coordinates the after school activities? (music lessons, sports, dance, etc.)?
Who plans, shops and makes dinners?
Who cleans up after dinner?
Who does the laundry, collecting it, sorting, washing, drying folding putting away?
Who keeps the house straight and clean? Or at least clean, scrubs toilets, showers, etc?
Who coordinates doctor, dentist, orthodontist appointments?
Who makes sure all the bills get paid, handles the budget and balances the money?
Who gets kids ready for bed and tucks them in?

If you are doing over 50% of the above and that is off the top of my head that happens in an average day at my house...then I would start to worry.

After school, I do get on the computer while the kids are eating their snack and doing homework before we head out to martial arts classes (three days a week), theater rehearsal (two days a week) and visiting elderly relatives (two days a week). Then come home and fix dinner. At our house my DH does the dishes...and I tuck kids in. (I stagger them one goes and brushes teeth while the other jammies and then they switch).

My son is 12 he gets a hug and a kiss...some nights he needs to talk about a school issue or family issue and that can take 15 to 20 minutes. (Rarely maybe once a week). The nine year old will read in bed until I get to her...she likes a snuggle and a visit about her day which I cut off at about 15 minutes unless it is a big issue...hug, kiss, good night. Start at 7:30 and kids are done by 8:30. (If they are asleep or not is their issue but they are in bed for the night). Then I go back and visit with my husband in the kitchen. OR some nights I go straight to bed to read and or fall asleep.

So if she is at home all day and you are doing over 50% of the above...yeah, there might be an issue...otherwise if all you do is bedtime tuck in and your wife is DONE for the day by then...send all the kids to bed at the same time and rotate through the rooms making sure to tuck and check on each one. But an hour per kid to tuck in it too much for any one.

I am sure you are very frustrated about one kids being not tucked in....just put her in your bedtime routine mix and STOP letting her stay home from school.

If your wife is really doing nothing and has retreated to bed schedule her a physical and take her to it. Get bloodwork done she could have messed up hormones or be depressed....but help get her sorted out...good luck!!

i would find this concerning. but i'm also wondering why you *always* do the other two girls. if you're worried about this 2nd grader, why don't you take over her bedtime and let your wife do the more compliant one(s).
i assume the twins have their own rooms, and that's why you can't do their routine together? but that's not insurmountable. you can read in one's room one night, and the other's the next.
or it may be that you need to shorten your bedtime routine with the one twin so you can spend time with the other.
my boys had their own rooms at this age, but i read to them together for 15-30 minutes and then boom, they both were expected to fall asleep on their own. your girls aren't babies. they don't need to play and sing before bedtime.
the issues with your wife and how she spends her time are separate, and need to be addressed separately, perhaps with a good counselor.
but there's no need for one girl to be the odd daughter out. include her in a quiet bedtime routine with her sister(s) and then work on your marriage issues.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Change up bedtime and read to both twins together, then send them to bed. I suggest this for 2 reasons. 1 - both twins need sleep and this is the most efficient means to that ends. 2 - both twins deserve attention from you. Your current "divide and conquer " strategy is going to result in one daddy's girl and one girl who feels like daddy does like to spend time with her.

As for your wife, I'm concerned that she is depressed and that is why she is checking out. Talk to her. Tell her you are concerned. Suggest she talk to a doctor. If she's exhausted, her iron may be low or something easily treatable like that. If she's not fatigued or depressed, then suggest couples therapy because you don't want resentment creep into your marriage.

ETA: oh, and unless she has a fever, your child goes to school.

You have good advice. Tell the kids there will be a new bedtime routine. If I were in your shoes I would put down both 7 year olds at once. No singing and playing. I would start at 8pm. Get in jammies, brush teeth, read for 15 minutes and then lights out. You should be out of the room by 8:30. No TV. No constantly getting up and asking for things. Then at 9pm tell the 11 year old she may get ready for bed and read for 15 minutes before lights out. My kids are 7 and 12 and this is the routine. Talk to your wife about your concerns...about how you would like her to get a checkup (screen for depression, thyroid, anemia, hormones, whatever) and about how you are concerned she is just checking out. Ask her why she is checking out. You two may need to see a therapist to get to the root of this. In a perfect world you and she would take turns putting the kids to bed every night.

I find the answers here rather unfair. Your kids aren't toddlers. They are in school! Therefore your wife gets lots of kid free hours. And you are doing bedtime duty! Doesn't sound at all like you don't chip in. And maybe no one noted you were doing work at night. Lots of jobs require working on emails etc at home after office hours. So, I would suggest taking both twins away from the tv at the same time. One room they get read to. Separate rooms if they have them to read a bit themselves. Then goodnight and lights out. Most people do that with their kids. 10:00 seems late for an 11 year old btw.

You and your wife are the problem.

My husband and I put both kids to bed, when he was in town. We would both go with our son and read and tuck him in. Later, we would read and tuck in our daughter. This is not difficult.

Both of you should get up and put all the kids to bed. The two twins should be going to bed at the same time. It should not take 1 hour. Jammies, teeth, story, bed. Done.

The 11 year old needs a hug and a kiss done. If she needs to discuss something, fine but that should be done before bed. Bed time is quiet time.

You have no idea what your wife is doing during the day. Be careful with your retorts and comments about that.

If the kid is too tired to go to school? TOO BAD. She gets up and goes to school. Do that a few times and trust me, she will go to bed.

Your wife sounds a bit depressed.
I would have a heart to heart with her "Is everything okay?"... if that doesn't reveal anything, consider talking to a counselor together. I can't really suggest anything more. It sounds like you've had the usual discussions about what would hypothetically work.

It sounds like your wife may be a bit 'shut down' by the end of the day and too tired to deal with your daughter by that point, but the tv thing is preventable. She can say 'bedtime!', take the remote into her room with her when she leaves the room. I agree, I'd be annoyed and concerned too. It is not in your daughter's best interest to be missing school. It's not in your marriage's best interest to stop communicating.

Does she feel managing all the kids at bedtime is tiring and she should be 'off' by a certain time? I'm assuming she makes dinner? Is the burden of cooking/kitchen work plus an afternoon of 'tweendom' (my near ten year old is hitting this, and some days, I'm wiped by seven from the emotional work of parenting as well as household stuff) wearing her out?

I agree with others who have said to take a look at the division of labor. My husband and I have a good plan; we alternate nights of tasks. I cook dinner, but we trade off who does dishes and who does bedtime. We will always pinch hit for each other; if one or the other of us goes out for dinner, if he works late or there's another obligation, we make sure the person who wasn't home doesn't come home to a pile of dishes. With 3 kids, you have helpers. I'm the SAHP(parent) and he's the breadwinner; we homeschool our son. It's hard work for both of us so I know how important it is to feel like you are a team with your spouse at home.

Talk to her. Or go talk to someone who can listen to both of you. Good luck!

ETA: just something to think about-- while I was thinking of this later-- you know, I do a lot of stuff around the house each day that I never tell my husband about. Why? Because I would be BORED TO TEARS recounting it. Do consider what your wife gets done. Are you coming home to a dirty house, piles of laundry undone for days on end and stacks of dishes? How do you know that "all she does" is what you think she does? I once told my husband that I couldn't possibly tell him everything I do all day because we would both die of boredom. Assume that she's putting in plenty of work time when the kids are at school and taking a break from time to time. Consider, too, that being alone at home can feel isolating. It's great that she volunteers. Some things to keep in mind...

Do the twins have separate rooms? Why not do the bedtime thing at the same time? If they are in separate rooms either have them come together in 1 bed for a story and then go she can go to her room. Or while you are reading a story the other twin can read on her own until you come in. If your wife could take on one twin at the same time you take one, things would be easier.

I would talk to your wife. You guys should be doing this together or switch every other day. Something seems off with her.

we sahre the responsibility. on even numbered nights i put our dd to bed and hubbs our ds. on odd numbered nights i do our son and he our daughter. is there a reason you can't do the twins at the same time? my brothers wife puts her twins to bed at the same time.. with no help rom my brother.
my other thought is depression... or something thats causing her to ignore her family. maybe a sit down chat with her and possibly some counseling may help too.

Hi S.,

Sounds like your wife is kind of zoning out...out of your conversations and out of her parenting. Hmmmm, I wonder about that...
Assuming there is no underlying depression going on with your wife that is pulling her away from her parenting responsibilities, then there are two things happening simultaneously that need to be remedied. The first is your daughter's sleep. I feel for you because we protect our kids sleep viciously and know how tired and off they are when they don't get it. I know how critical one-on-one time is with each child but until this gets sorted out, can you take it upon yourself to put both twins to bed? If not, can you excuse yourself a minute to pop in to the other child's room and see if Mom is doing her job? If not, immediately remind Mom. You might even consider taking away the television remote before bedtime.

I think you need to have a much bigger conversation with your wife...not just one about bedtime. You're sensing something is off, the kids are sensing something is off. It's hard to know based on your message if there is something deeper going on between the two of you, but at the very least, it seems Mom needs to do some prioritising of values and awaken herself to how her behaviour is impacting your seven year old, and the rest of the family.

Im certain you will receive man you helpful responses here. Good luck!

Something isn't right with your wife.
Is she depressed? Is she having an affair?
I don't know but she's zoning out on being an actively participating member of the family.
And it's just weird that the twins are being treated so differently - usually families have trouble recognizing that they are individuals.
I'd treat the kids as if you were a single parent - you get all of them to bed, to school, where ever they need to be.
You need some marriage/family counseling with the wife.
Maybe an anti depressant might help but she needs to get a physical and to accept she has a problem and want to do something about it.
If the physical turns up nothing - then she needs to get off her behind and get a job.
Because if she's just quitting on your family and marriage then she needs to prepare for her life after the divorce and have a way to support herself and pay you child support.
Right now it doesn't sound like she'd even be interested in being the custodial parent.