Help Needed with Piano Lesson Battle

I took piano lessons from age 8 to 11. Sixth grade was when my school started band classes. I started playing the clarinet and wanted to focus on that instead of piano so I quit piano. Ask her if she wants to switch to something else. At 4 years of piano lessons she already knows how to read music and keep time so the lessons are just going to help her play more complicated music. I enjoyed the challenge of learning to play new instruments rather than becoming an expert at just one.

I had all my kids try different things. However at 11, they either do something 100% or stop. That's my rule. Do it all or nothing. Each child is different and is involved in totally different things. They do need some type of outside activities. Perhaps she could play for the middle school jazz band or other similar activity.

I think she is old enough to decide this. She is 11, has been at it for 4 years. Maybe she is just done for now. I would however insist that she take up at least one out of school activity that is her choice, with follow through requirements.

My thoughts are along the lines of the other people who have responded. I was forced to take piano for 3 years. I learned to read music and still remember many of the songs, but I hated it.

I'm glad I received the exposure, but it wasn't something I wanted to do which caused the resentment.

If it were my child, I'd ask what she wants to do. She may be more into art lessons, some kind of sport, etc. If it's something she's interested in, she's much more likely to stick with it and not be swayed into other, less savory activities at her age.

When I taught gymnastics, it was always very obvious to me whose parents forced them into classes and which kids really wanted to be there.

When I was in high school, there was a new Science/Technology high school opening. My mom made me apply, and I was rejected from the process. I never wanted to go - it was strictly for my Mom to have bragging rights. I think it was the best thing that happened to me because I learned to be independent and get involved with things that I wanted vs. what my Mom wanted for me.
Ironically, I ended-up getting a degree in Biology, but the social aspect of the school I attended was much more in tune with my personality than the one my Mom was trying to force me to attend.

My question: Are you forcing her to do this for her or for you?

If she has done this for some time, has made it clear after said time that she no longer cares for it, then why are you continuing to force her? If you ask my opinion, yes... you are borderline selfish as she devoted four years to it already. Let her find her own interest now.

She may surprise you by finding something else that will provide her other benefits. Forcing a child to keep with something because you think it's best is showing her that you do not care to hear her out. I feel this can lead to communication break-down later on in the future when she may need to talk to you and will decide not to as you are not hearing her now.

Let it go~

EDIT: After reading some of the responses... I am sorry, but I feel that at your daughter's age, she is at an age to make up her mind if this is not for her. If she was five, that would be different. I suggest you sit down and TALK to her instead of pushing her without asking what she feels she may want to do. Communication is HIGHLY important and if you do that, you will show her you want to help, and that you are willing show her she is important, to listen to her, her problems and that can lead to other positive things later down the road in life.

i believe you should back off a little, if she hates it then she wont get much out of it, other than remembering how much she hated piano.

maybe she could choose a different instrument, like guitar or something.

or maybe give her a year off it for now, she may miss it.

i come from a very musical family, my sister is a music teacher, my father has a violin shop and plays in a band, but i never had too much interest, i was forced to play piano until i was 12, practice every day, i hated it, i made it to grade 5 and i refused to do it anymore - to this day i cannot look at a piano lol, and i do believe its because i was forced - SORRY!!

im sure there are different things she could get into that are just as beneficial

My 11 year old quit piano after six years of lessons and it broke my heart at first, but I knew that I couldn't force him to do it if he didn't want to. After a couple months of no lessons he started practicing on his own again and now enjoys doing it when he wants to do it. He also started playing the trombone in the school 6th band this year. I think all kids should be encouraged to learn an instrument of any kind, but I also think that if it's a battle to get them to do it then stop pushing so hard and let them figure out what they want to do.

Good luck!!

I went thru a stage at about 8 yrs old where I hated piano (I started at age 6) but boy was I glad my mom stuck with it once I got older!!

Oh and maybe u need to change the piano TEACHER?! A new teacher Who is talented w kids could get her interested again!

Hi! It sounds like we have children with similar challenges at the moment. I also have an 11 yr. old 6th grader who took piano for 4 yrs. We also believe that music education is of such importance in brain development, pattern recognition, making people well-rounded etc. It was my intention that she take piano until 9th grade. It eventually became such a battle,however that we had to arrive at a compromise. We agreed that she could cease taking piano if, and only if, she committed to choosing another instument (she is playing the clarinet) and playing in band until highschool. I pray that she will really enjoy it, as seems to, and stay with it through highschool. This compromise has helped us so much. I still have to remind her to practice, but it is not the BATTLE that it was with piano. Good luck!
Blessings,
T.

I think that you should talk heart-to-heart with your daughter and try to find something positive - a privilege or even an allowance or raise in hers - that she could earn by being cooperative with the lessons and practice. This power struggle will only worsen as she enters adolescence, but I agree that the lessons are good for her for lots of reasons. Kids don't know what's best for them but we need to hear them out and let them know that we value their point of view and emotions. I'd empathize with her and her wish to stop piano and tell her that when she's older, she can make more choices for herself and that's something to look forward to. Tell her that parents do what they believe is best for their children because they love them so much, but sometimes kids don't like their decisions. Even adults have many things they have to do that they don't like. That's part of life. I wouldn't back down, but I'd be sure she knows you've heard and seriously considered her feelings, and see if you can "bribe" her with something else that she enjoys or even money she can use to get something she wants. Good luck, K.!

Keep making her take them... kids don't know what is best for them. I did the same things when I was young and my mom gave in, now I wish like anything that I continued with lessons and knew how to play the piano.

I never hear of anyone saying at 30 oh I wish my parents didn't make me take all those years of lessons, but you always hear, I wish my parents made me stick with it.

You are being reasonable and not telling her she has to do it till she graduates from high school, just 8th grade, so stick with it!

We battled with my daughter, and finally stopped this year. Since she was not practicing at all, she was not improving and therefore frustrated. Due to the economics in our house, we stopped, and so glad that she did. She has the basics in reading music, and that seems enough for now. She can always start up later. It just wasn't worth the battles, and she found other things she enjoys more (soccer and volleyball).

Do you play music? If so, play with her. If not, ask her to teach you some stuff. Change up the kind of music she plays. Create jam sessions were she can play with other people and develop her style.

K.,
You probably aren't going to like my answer... while I do agree that learning music (especially piano) has its benefits, your daughter has been doing this for 4 years now. While I've made my kids stay in an activity until the end (sign up for soccer only to discover 3 practices in they don't like it but I have them stay until the end of the season), this is a bit differnt. After that long, she would know whether or not it's something she really enjoys or not.

Another 2 years when she already doesn't want to be there is going to be a constant fight for you and will most likely damage your relationship. Maybe all she needs is a break or a chance to explore other activities. Either way, if you've been fighting for a year and she still doesn't want to take lessons, it's highly unlikely she's going to change her mind at this point.

Hi K.,
Coming at it from a little different perspective... I started taking piano lessons when I was 5. I had a couple of different teachers, but I went through the same kind of phase at your daughter's age. Piano just wasn't as important as friends and socializing. Despite my "grumping around", my parents continued to insist I go to my lessons. I didn't always practice much during the week, but every Saturday I went to my lesson. I learned to be a pretty good sight-reader that way! ;-) I also had the advantage of a very patient teacher who loved music. She got me through the rough patch and now I play for a living. I teach about 50 students, play for several school and homeschool choirs, work with several theatre groups, accompany students for solo and ensemble and turn down a LOT of work because there just aren't enough hours in my day. Try to encourage your daughter to stick it out. It's one of the best things my parents ever gave me!

I think that playing an instrument is so helpful in many aspects, I myself play several. However, I also hated to practice! One idea that helped me was to find sheet music of popular songs, so I was learning something and having a little more fun while I practiced. Most of the music stores should have a contemporary section. Let your daughter pick out a few and work them into practice with her assigned music. good luck!

Weeellll, why do you feel so strongly that she needs to do something that she doesn't enjoy? I'd have to say to pick your battles. I have a tween too and, trust me when I say, there are going to be plenty!

Good luck.

S.

I am in the same boat as you.
I talked with their teacher (I have 2 daughters taking lessons) and asked if they could start playing songs out of the books that we use in our church (she is from our church)
They still have the "instruction" books but are also allowed to pick out a song each week they want to learn to play. She also gives them incentive prizes (candy) if they do well and do their written homework as well. This has really helped. Also, since our teacher is from our church and most of her students she has them play in church once in a while for prelude or offertory.
Both of my girls have a musical talent in them and don't want to see them quit either.

Good luck!!

K.-
Music lessons was a battle that I just didn't want to continue. It was expensive and my son had other passions to round out his life. I agree that piano has many benefits, but if she does it begrudgingly, is she reaping any benefits? I have a friend whose daughter was forced to continue until 9th grade after she said in 4th grade she no longer wanted to continue. So they spent $10,000+ on something she didn't like... for her own good. She played at the recitals, but hated it (which was quite obvious by the way she played) and never really got any better because she didn't want to. So she was embarrassed that she was playing "baby" music at the recitals. In my opinion $10k in a college fund would be way better for her and your family peace in the long run. I am interested to see if other moms are of a different opinion.
S.

Make her follow through, she will thank you for it. Setting a time limit is a good compromise though. You definitely need your husband's support!!! If you tell her to practice then he needs to back you up. 11 year olds are not old enough to make decisions about this type of thing.

I'd make her take lessons through high school. :) My reasoning for that is my personal experience. We started piano when I was in 2nd grade. We added a second instrument (my sister and I violin and my brother cello) the next year. We took those lessons until moving to a new state, where good teachers for piano were impossible to find - they didn't want to take on kids who were not beginners for some reason. So my mom expected us to just continue learning the piano on our own, which didn't happen. I learned a lot in 5 years, but not enough to be really comfortable playing. I was just starting to get to an intermediate level and then had it ripped away from me. In 6th grade I was not able to keep learning on my own (and my mother holds this against me because she really excelled at piano one summer all on her own). She would force me to play the piano at church, not just a special music, but accompany all the hymns. I couldn't do it, I couldn't play fast enough for people to sing along, and it was mortifying. I HATED it and eventually quit even trying. I did continue violin lessons through high school and I feel much more comfortable playing this instrument. I quit lessons in college and played with the symphony one semester, quitting because I didn't have enough time to really practice to the level they played. I enjoy playing at the intermediate level and look forward to playing in a group at church, but the piano still scares me. Hopefully when my daughter is old enough for lessons I can take them along with her and get over the hump.

Sorry for the long story, but all that to say, I wanted to quit all lessons many times and my mom never let me. I'm glad that at least I learned the violin to a level that I'm comfortable playing at.

My parents made me take piano lessons and practice a defined amount of time everyday until I was in 9th grade. Then they said I had to either put the same amount of time into piano everyday or choose something else to commit to. I never enjoyed practicing piano and it was a fight with me, but it had no ill effects. I ended up choosing a different instrument and became very successful with it. I went on to major in music.

Sometimes battles with kids about lessons has to do with finding a teacher that fits well. I'd ask her if her dislike has to do with the teacher or type of music she's playing. You could also try alternative teaching methods. I know of a service that provides piano lessons online called PeeryPiano.com. In my experience most kids enjoy playing music if you find a method that appeals to them.

Good luck and I hope it turns out well.

first make sure it isn't the teacher she doesn't like. if it is the lessons and the practice then let her stop. she has already gotten the benifit of four years and she will resent the piano and you if you continue to force her. maybe she would like to try a different instrament or maybe she just needs a break to have more free time for a while and will go back to it on her own. my daughter had been taking lessons for 3 years and said she didn't want to continue this school year so we didn't, at the turn of the sememster she decided she wanted to start again, she just needed a break to be able to assert her independence.

I took piano lessons from an early age up until I graduated high school. I didn't like to practice either.

I wish I had my lovely Petroff piano again. A lot of the songs my sisters and I used to play on the piano just can't be done on an electric keyboard. Not enough keys.

But. I have also come to the conclusion that some areas just aren't a good match. I help at karate class, and I see the kids whose parents want them in this, but the kid has not interest and therefore doesn't put in an effort. Maybe it just isn't a good match. Maybe the kid's talent lies elsewhere. I agree it's good to try things out to at least find out. But to push it when their heart isn't in it...I'm not real sure about it. It can be a good therapy when you're having a bad hair day, to sit down and pound the keys.

I also played flute from 4th or 5th grade till I graduated high school. We had practice cards, so we pretty much had to practice to make some of our grade. I didn't like that any more than practicing piano, but I did it. I also, having been exposed to all other sorts of music growing up, would try playing a lot by ear. If I heard a song on a record, I'd try playing that by ear.

I will say that even with all that practice, loving the songs played in high school band (I have 95% of them on CD), I never achieved the vibrato I would've liked to have. Nor the finger speed. But I stuck with it.

Tough call to make, K.. 11 years old is on the brink of teen years, which brings a lot of finding her own way and thinking for herself and that brings a lot of head butting between parent and child. You could compromise with her. Suggest, perhaps, that if she wants to drop piano, then replace it with something else. Maybe a gymnastic sport is more to her liking. Or martial arts. Maybe some other instrument. If she can't come up with a fair compromise, then stay with it until she can. She could be very helpful on the piano with kids at school. If she became proficient enough, kids in band compete in solo/ensemble competitions. Soloists often need an accompanyist. She could consider that.

I agree with what some other mom's have said. I was that child for a long time. But our battle went on for years. It was only when I started getting involved in the drama club in HS that my mom let me quit. I would agree that having taken the lessons was a great thing. I can read music and play simple songs if I have the sheet music.

I really wish my mom had let me quit or "take a break" earlier. I think if she had let me take a break for a while I would have picked it up again on my own.

For me, it wasn't so much that I disliked piano, but that practicing became a power struggle. She made me go to the lessons, but couldn't really make me practice at home. So the lessons were really a complete waste of money for the last 2-3 years. It was also a waste of time for my teacher because I wasn't practicing at all outside of the lessons. (She had a waiting list of potential students.)

Anyway, my opinion is that it probably isn't worth the fight (money and energy) to make her continue with piano lessons at this time. It might get better if you continue, but probably won't. But I agree with some other people that you should talk to her and find something that she would like to do, whether it be music or some kind of other activity.

Good luck!