Help!! Overspending Grandparents!

Wow how do I respond?
First off be grateful that they get her things, my motherinlaw got my five year old nothing for her birthday or for Easter. My daughter asked me why grammy was always sick and didn't get her anything for her birthday she even went on to ask if the Easter Bunny forgot to stop at Grammys house.
Second they will not always be around so let them do it as long as they can. Hope this helps

You can not, simply accept it. My son's grandparents are the same and we simply roll with it. I do try to shop WITH so I can try to guide it, but I do not see it as a one upper it just is how THEY celebrate being grandparents.

...on the other hand, you could have my in-laws who sent my son 6 plain white miniature taper candles for his 4th birthday. (Head scratch)

I'd be delighted with a bike.

I know this seems like a personal affront in a way, because it's most likely that you're not in the position to drop $500 on gifts for each occasion, and so you feel like you're being made to look like "less than" to your kids.

Step AWAY from that feeling.

Your in-laws LOVE their grandkids and want to spoil them. That's kind of what grandparents DO. So you need to carefully pick out the part of this battle you want ot fight, and the part you can live with.

I think it's perfectly fair to ask that they talk to you and your husband about what gifts they are going to get the kids. "Just so we don't accidentally get them the same things." Did that bike come with a helmet too? Gotta make sure everyone is on the same page, right?

How often do they visit? Is it once or twice a year? If so....let it go. They're making up lost time, in their minds.

If it's several times a year, then you might have an issue to address. Discuss with them that you don't want your kids to become materialistic or ungrateful and ask for suggestions on how they can help to teach the kids to be gracious and thankful and giving.

Best of luck in this touchy (but sweet) situation!

C. Lee

My inlaws were a bit like this...maybe not quite as excessive, but it was still bad. I was just honest. I told them that I really appreciated the gifts and my son enjoyed them, but I felt like they were overshadowing Santa and outdoing me and my husband. I told them that is was really appreciated, but it did hurt my feelings a little bit. I just asked them to let us get the special gifts and if they wanted to spend so much money, put it in a savings account for an amazing graduation gift. Yes, they were a bit hurt and disappointed at first. But they recovered and now they give great gifts. Not as many and smaller in value.

I would start by avoiding phrases like "the right to buy her things that define new stages in her life". I'm sorry but that sounds over dramatic and completely made up.

Thank them for their generosity and then let them know that you would prefer that they consider smaller gifts and maybe more "experiences". We had this conversation with my parents as well. It actually went really well. Instead of buying tons of "stuff" (which doesn't last), they started a savings account for each of their grandchildren. At holidays and on special occasions, they put $$ in the account and either buy one or two small things or buy tickets to go "do something".

This year my father is taking my 5 year old on an overnight fishing excursion. They LOVE to fish together and have been doing so since my son could walk. I know that the trip is going to cost a small mint, but I would rather them splurge on something that is an incredible memory than on another plastic "blinky" thing that will get tossed after a year.

Hubby has to do it because they are his parents. Is he on the same page? If not, then you are stuck. If he is, then have a meeting with them and brainstorm how to deal. They need to get age appropriate stuff, and they need to check with you first to make sure it's age appropriate. Talk to them about "experience" gifts - doing fun things with grandma/grandpa, a mini-vacation together, whatever is going to last longer than a thing. An education fund is always good. Don't say stop, say what makes more sense.

I wouldn't address it at all.

I have the same situation as you. I have THE best in-laws EVER. They are wonderful people and GREAT grandparents! They too are overly generous. When it was only my stepsons in the beginning of my relationship with my husband I noticed and thought to myself 'Wow! You have got to be kidding me' but I let it go. Then when I had my own kids, I was feeling the same as you and contemplated saying something but decided it was better to keep my mouth shut. They worked hard all their lives, worked up until retirement age and have earned the right to spend their $money$ the way they see fit. They have every right to spoil their grandchildren, if they want. It brings them joy. I would never do or say something to make them feel wrong or not appreciated for what they give.

I have learned to love it. The way I look at it now is that it is less $money$ husband and I have to spend...and that is a good thing...b/c we can work hard and save our money and one day have it to spoil our grandchildren with.

My in-laws have bought bikes, countless Nintendo DS's, computers, laptops, first cars, bedroom furniture, even put in Pergo floors in my stepsons' bedroom b/c MIL thought it would be better...as well as countless other things! My MIL loves to buy school clothes and school shoes and good winter jackets and ski/snowboarding lessons...and take us all on wicked family vacations every summer, they just truly enjoy giving. I would never take that away from them, never. They have even set up and paid for all the kids' college!!! I just let them have at it and be grateful! And try to teach my children to be thankful and grateful and they know the difference between what Mom & Dad would buy for them and what The Grans would get for them!

My MIL has THE most fabulous taste and I am grateful for everything she buys us. You should see my kitchen cupboards, I have all the best pots and pans and knives.... and (my favorite gift yet) wonderfully expensive bath towels that I would NEVER buy for myself...but boy do I love them!

So as someone who is in your same boat, I say embrace it for what it is...it won't last forever...and do your best to keep your children grounded in reality and teach them to appreciate their Grandparents for the loving and giving people that they are!!

The way we handle who buys what is we communicate. My MIL calls me around b-day and Christmas and we discuss what kids want what and who is going to by what..so there is never any duplicate gifts. Problem solved.

I have learned, by being on this board, that I am truly blessed in the in-laws and grandparents department and I am in NO WAY going to kick a gift horse in the mouth, as they say!

It's just stuff. It's not life.
My daughter understood that her grandparents and her aunt had more money than I did and could afford to spend more than I could. That didn't mean that they were trying to supercede me in her life, it just meant that they got her more stuff. I was still the one that made her fried green tomatoes, taught her to ride a bike, got up with her at 2 am when she had a nightmare, sat up with her when she was sick, let her bring the caterpillars into the house to watch them spin cocoons and turn into butterflies.
And when she did get something big and pricy from me, it was extra special.

I told my parents to stop that because they did the same thing. I told them to stop buying them things and start giving them experiences. We even do that with them now. They get $150 for birthdays and for Christmas they get 3 santa gifts (kind of pricey) and a vacation somewhere. It's worth way more to them to have the experiences and travel than it is to have another WWE toy or bedazzle kit.

Even my siblings and my husband's side of the family has been told the same thing. Cash works too so they can spend it on their trips.

So ask them for that. It doesn't have to be something big. With the furloughs coming this year, my parents are doing day trips. So my boys will go to Ford's Theater with my dad and my two brothers this year. Not sure about my daughter, but it won't be her big trips like she's had the past three years to VA Beach, Atlantic City, and Hershey.

I understand what you're going through, my husband also feels the same way sometimes. His parents took his daughter to Disney (without him) and he was very hurt that HE didn't get to take her, as he feels that it's the parents' job/right to take the kids to Disney for the first time. However, when they gave her the "surprise," how could he say "no?"

It's also been this way with bikes, cameras, computers, all the big ticket items. Grandma and Grandpa love to spend, and we often don't have the money (or think that she should have it yet).

My husband had to have a heart-to-heart talk with them. He was honest, and said that while he totally appreciated what they were doing for her, he felt overshadowed and like a "failure" as a parent because he couldn't provide these things for his daughter. He said he felt overshadowed at Christmas because she was so shining and excited about what she was getting from Grandma. It even got to the point where she would see a big-ticket item and then say "I'll just ask Grandma for it."

They took it well, probably because my husband was so humble when he talked to them about it. Now they discuss what each is getting her for Christmas or birthday, and they compromise.

Also, they have taken to buying duplicates. So when we got her a "big girl bike" they also got her a big girl bike but it's to keep at their house and to use when she visits.

I think grandparents are just excited to have a child to spoil. You just need to be honest with them (or have your husband do it) and let them know that you feel overshadowed. I agree, it should be a part of YOUR joy as a parent to buy your kids the presents that define a new stage in life. You had the kids, it's your right.

But as others have said, grandparents won't be around forever so it's important to find a way to let them have their joy as well.

I think the best thing to do is just roll with it. My in-laws are the same way! I allowed myself to be so upset with it at first. My MIL was steeling all of my "Mommy Moments." I told her that my family had a tradition of buying a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament and that my parents still had each of ours. The next time I saw her she handed me an ormanet. I was crushed! I wanted to buy his first ornament.

I've found over the years that even though my MIL spoils my kids and has stolen many "Mommy Moments" from me that the kids love her and adore her, but I'm still their Mommy. I'm still the one they run to when they're upset or hurt. I'm still the one that they share their happy moments with. They have a great relationship with their grandmother, but I'm still their mommy.

I started talking to my MIL in November about things I think the boys would like for Christmas. We've decided to let her buy those things, because she really wants to, she can and we can spend some money on other things they need - like college funds, more clothes (she doesn't want to buy them closes for Christmas), a family vacation - things we might not otherwise be able to do for them.

I would focus on trying to be ok with who they are and how they want to spend their money rather than trying to make them change. You'll all be much happier for it.

L.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Try having a conversation with them. Ask them to communicate with you and your husband on what they WANT to buy, etc. so you don't have duplication, etc.

Grandparents won't be around forever....both of my in-laws are dead. My mother in law over did it for our kids...that's just how she was. We couldn't change her.

remember you can't control them or their actions. you can, however, control your reaction...be gracious, be thankful...

try to communicate beforehand on gifts...

Good luck! and Welcome!

Yep, gear it toward better ways of spending.

Print off a sheet of how much college will cost the yr of her graduation. My FIL bought my kids savings bonds that they have and he died 2 yrs ago. He is still providing them a better life! If you tell them, just put half of that towards education and you child will be so grateful.

The other half, put toward experiences. Those are the times the kids will remember, not the toys they got when they were two. Go fishing, sailing, biking, feed the ducks, pay for a mom and me class. Do local, zoo memberships, museums, water parks. Do grand - disney or something more appropriate.

You could suggest they do a secret Santa from a community. It makes you think about others and need. Do a generous donation of children's books to a library or hospital in her name, take her along!

Hope you can figure it out!

I would talk to them, or have DH do so. "MIL and FIL, for DD's upcoming birthday, she really wants x and it's really important to us as her parents that we give it to her. I'd like to suggest these other ideas that she would like...." You can also say, "You've been very generous to DD but she is overwhelmed with the amount of gifts. We have set up a college account for her that anyone can contribute to. Here is the information. Instead of buying her 10 things that she might be overwhelmed by, if you bought just a few and put the rest of what you would have spent into the fund, that will be an incredible gift for her when she goes to college."

Reiterate that you appreciate their generosity. Just redirect it.

My mom used to bring us really big items. I told her we were running out of room, so now I tell her what I need for DD clotheswise because she has better secondhand resources than I do. She just wants to do stuff for DD and I am happier that it's the stuff DD needs.

ETA: I also like the experiences idea. Take her to a zoo or beach or a Broadway show (when she is older). Something that will give her a memory without cluttering up the house.

On the flip side, I'd also reiterate to DD that love does not equal money so if she starts to seem spoiled, you combat it with a little reality.

I told my mom when I was pregnant with my first that she was not to spend a lot of money on clothes or toys, and if she wanted to spend money, she was welcome to put it in their college accounts.

I had to remind her a few times,and now she just buys the kids lots of books.

I did let my brother buy bikes for my kids. He asked, and I agreed. He bought really expensive bikes they can use for years. I'm grateful, and you may feel differently if you have children.

I am guilty of buying my grandchildren things especially the 9 month old granddaughter. However, I am very aware of the firsts and would ever buy a bike before Mom and Dad. As grandparents, a lot of us are at a good place financially (finally). It does bring us great joy to spend the money on them. I check every now and then with sons that it is ok because I do not want to spoil their joy. I would never buy special occasion dresses etc. my one son loves shopping for the LOS clothes. So this is how we work it for clothes. I buy the everyday Play clothes. Mom and Dad buy her her nicer outfits and special clothes. Toys it is the same.

I would think about things in advance. Sept oh Mom we are buying ---- a bike for Christmas. Thought I would tell you so u do not buy one. Be one step ahead. As for others things, I say let them have their fun. It makes them happy. I am sure they do not need anything for themselves so your children receive.

My dad would get the kids awesome Santa gifts so I conceded and let him do Santa as he got bigger gifts than I could/would spend. My kids know that their grandparents spend a fairly large sum of money on them for gifts. I've taken a step back and let them. My dad one day said to me, I can afford it and I couldn't when you were little and I really enjoy it. Try not to view it as a competition. It doesn't make my kids love them more than me or their other grandparents. Every relationship is special. When they were little I limited the number of gifts and we'd talk about ideas (in theory to avoid duplication, but more so to direct to useful gifts or things I knew they'd really enjoy).

Even with all the large gifts, my daughter is still not materialistic - never was. She was difficult to punish (allbeit rare) when she was young b/c she didn't have really any "prize" toys. She would just shift to something else. She does take care of her things. My son likes "stuff". My daughter has a decent amount of money in her savings and in a CD for education and is motivated by that. My son has a lot of really cool stuff.

Figure out a way to work with them. I think if you take a step back you'll see they're not competing - that's your perception. Work with them as its all for the benefit of the kids. Let them buy the big gifts and then you can spend the money on trips and enjoy the time with your kids.

Ask them to let you know what they are planning of buying for the kids, so you, dad and the other set of grandparents and relatives DON'T duplicate the gift. If they say they are going to purchase XYor Z and you and dad feel its over the top or not age appropriate, then is the time to have the "discussion".