Help Please! Feeling like a Mommy Failure:-(

OMG...you've just descbribed an average day in my house. :)
My kids are 5 and 3 and it's the exact same situation.

I work on my patience trying to work through drama with them, but there are more than enough days where I find myself just snapping and yelling at them constantly.

I have to good solution or words of wisdom...just wanted to let you know that you're not alone!

If that makes you a failure, then all mamas are failures.

Even children much older than yours seem to need to be directed to activities. Ten-year-olds (not to mention teenagers) will lie around and whine, "What'll I do?" There isn't the structure at home that there is in "camp." Summer has more time-freedom, but children don't automatically know how to use it.

If you have an imaginary mommy as your model - one who never yells and always has a smile and an solution - forget her. Drop any movie or TV models as well; they get a written script to go by. If you have to choose between the non-yelling, the smiling, and the solution, start with the smile! Whether you think it'll happen or not, your smile will affect - even brighten - your daughters' day - and it won't hurt yours, either.

For the rest of the summer, plan out a VERY flexible daily home schedule for your four-year-old. Have a drawing time (provide scratch paper, crayons, paint), a reading time (with you and without), a play-outside time, a building with blocks time, etc. - no more than ten or fifteen minutes per activity. You'll know if fifteen minutes is too long. Go ahead and go on outings, but make them informal - the park, the library - maybe a couple of times something bigger. Talk to them about it in advance - what they're going to see and do - and plan everything down to what everyone is going to wear and how they'll be in the car ten minutes before they need to be (flex time).

Spend a little one-on-one time with your four-year-old if you can and, while she's doing the projects you've set for her, let your two-year-old "help" you. Your older daughter can't babysit your younger; toddlers don't do well at playing with others, and four-year-olds have no idea how to manage other people.

Important: While you're, say, in the kitchen, be available to converse with your girls while you're all "working." Sometimes children just like to know that Mama is there within sight and earshot!

Hopefully, your four-year-old will latch on to some project you've given her and will become interested in doing it on her own for a while (that's why you're being flexible). Because her mind as well as her body is occupied, she might be happy to be with her sister for short play periods.

If you have a TV or DVD, save it for very short periods of time, and only for ONE mom-chosen show at a time. It seems that both children and adults tend to get locked into that screen world, and they can't come out of it without being tired and grumpy. You don't need that.

Don't let your daughters push your buttons! Don't react to their moods; respond to those moods with friendly firmness. You're the grown-up.

Hope any of this helps a little.

This is all normal behavior on kids' part at these ages, but it seems like being "nice" has let things get a little out of control. You don't mention how you discipline your 4 year-old for teasing your youngest all day, but if your method was effective that would not be an option, so she wouldn't do it. Sure, she'd try, and she'd need some warnings to quit, and when you dropped your guard she'd do it 'til you finally addressed it, but she wouldn't succeed in doing it all day, because she'd stop when you warned her. Same with most behaviors at this age. This is where "strict" parents actually have more laid-back fancy-free lives.

I parent thee kids on my own, ages 7, 5 and 4, and have always had to do everything with them-we only had a part-time budget for daycare for first child. Ever since, it's been me and the brood together all the time. I was very strict with misbehavior, but as a result I COULD have fun outings with the kids and they couldn't drive me to anger. Sure we had some tough days, but in general, I had their behavior in check and we were all happier for it. The older ones were NOT allowed to torment toddlers EVER. Or else. One calm warning, then swift firm follow through. Every time. It doesn't take many times with effective methods.

I'm no genius of planning. We fly by the seat of our pants a lot-and most of our funnest adventures have been on whims. Yes, they need snacks and can't be exhausted or they'll be fussy, but for the most part it's about having them behave "when you say so" which enables you to move on in positive scenarios with fun and praise rather than aborted missions that end in anger and chronic frustration. I NEVER left activities for misbehavior as discipline. Unless they were legitimately ill, I "removed, disciplined, and returned" so they didn't get the idea they could just flip out and change our plans. I was in charge from day one.

Now that they're all getting older, I let them blow off steam and fight at home sometimes, but when we're out, or when I tell them to stop, they do. It's all about effective discipline. A great book for this age is Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson if you're looking for efficient results. My three are all very different ranging from very easy to very difficult, and the consistent rules have kept us smooth sailing. Discipline is most effective started before age 2, 4 is getting up there in habit-forming so good work addressing this now!

First of all, you're not a failure. We all feel like that! If there were a magic formula, some mom would have the Nobel Prize by now. Instead, we have mile-long sections in the bookstore with everyone's different opinion on how to do this!

You might consider a bit of a structure in your house so the 4 year old knows what to expect and so that activities vary. The 2 year old may be less clingy when she knows there's something fun planned. Not everything needs to be an outing - kids don't always transition well, and they may pick up on the inevitable hassles of getting all the stuff together and hitting the road.

Preschools and Pre-K and kindergarten all have schedules, as do camps and day care - free play on arrival followed by circle time followed by snack followed by arts & crafts followed by recess/outside play, then quiet time/story time. Or some variation of that. That doesn't mean it's not relaxing and fun - there is value to structure without it being rigid.

What if you instituted something similar? Free play in the morning followed by breakfast, followed by everyone taking their dishes to the sink and maybe helping to load the dishwasher. Many hands make light work - this is a good time to teach that. If everyone cooperates, we get more done. If everyone clings and whines, we get nothing done.

First, look at the weather forecast for the next day. Decide what's an appropriate activity (beach or library, park or museum?). Tell the kids the night before what you have on the schedule. If it incorporates something they have asked for or enjoyed before, great.

Next, give a head's up when it's going to be time to transition to the next thing. The 4 year old may be able to use some cues, like the digital clock on the cable box or a regular clock. Or you can set a timer, most of which have a 5 minute warning buzzer. Let them know it will be time to clean up the toys and get ready for X when it buzzes the second time.

If the 4 year old is teasing the 2 year old, she goes to her room for some private time. They may both be craving your attention with the teasing/clinging routines, but don't let that make you feel guilty or throw you off track. Let them know you want to spend time with them and enjoy the beautiful summer, and then say "Here's how we're going to do that."

You don't have to be rigid once you get to the planned activities. A planned day in the park doesn't mean every swing or seesaw is planned. A day at the museum doesn't mean the exhibits are dictated. If they don't have the attention span for that, then make the children's department of the library your destination. Get them psyched about being able to pick out a book of their choosing. Libraries often have play areas and puppet areas and story time and computers - so there can be something scheduled surrounded by free play, then you all come home with a book. Get them their own library cards. The 4 year old will think that is awesome. Bring the books home, read them together or separately, and be sure you get one too!

Outside time can be scheduled but still open. My neighbor has kids 2 and 4, and every day they take a nature walk (each kid with a bucket) to see what they can find. Sometimes it's a neat leaf to trace or put between layers of wax paper, sometimes it's a bunch of rocks to wash off and paint (make into paperweights for relatives!), sometimes it's a used up bird's nest, sometimes it's a bunch of sticks to turn into a design. Sometimes it's just watching a toad and chasing chipmunks, with nothing to bring home.

Try to have fewer expectations for a beautiful and perfect relaxed summer - that's a fantasy! Scale back the excursions in the car if the kids just aren't patient enough, and let them know that, if they don't like that, it's fine with you if you stay home and do nature walks. If you put too much value on the destination activity, there's plenty of room for their attention span to end before you even get there. Try changing the way you see these activities, and see great value in the stuff you do together even if it's in the kitchen or in the yard. You'll go easier on yourself, and you won't be so frustrated.

Get the book 1-2-3 Magic. It will help you to understand more clearly what is happening with your girls and with your own emotional reactions.

Find the things that will really engage your girls. Puzzles, Duplo blocks, crayons and paper, play-doh, etc. Try and find things in which they have to use their imagination. It sounds like they may be bored and that is why the four year old has time to pick on the her sister and why the two year old is in constant need of your attention.

Take shortcuts-
food- use a crockpot, cereal for dinner is an option, a bagged pre-washed salad is fine, steam up some frozen veg, ice cream = dairy too.
cleaning- enlist your kids, have them do the baseboards, get them to load and unload the dishwasher, match socks, load and unload the washer dryer, set the table, clean their toys, take out the trash.
paperwork and phone calls- put on a video for the kids while you take care of these.
get out of the house- it will be less messy, yelling and hijinks are more tolerable at the playground. go somewhere that is low stress for you and for the kids. Mine loves the playground, the beach, the petting zoo, feeding the ducks, riding his tricycle, visiting the petshop, we also bought a membership at the science museum and the acquarium, he loves chasing pigeons, and acting silly.

Tire them out, have dinner ready when you get home, put in an extra 15 minutes to an hour at night after they are in bed taking care of the housy stuff, or getting prep done for the following day.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

quit trying to entertain them. don't plan outings. just hang at home. they can help with housework at their ages, folding washcloths, dusting the table legs etc. if you 4 year old is teasing the younger one there should be a consequence time out, extra job etc. sounds like you all just need a break and to reacquaint yourselves with each other. At 2 and 4 we never had big expectations with the kids. summer is long and hot. put a wading pool in the backyard, get some books for you and sit in the shade and just veg. nothing wrong with that.

If you can afford it, maybe do more days a week, and stop feeling guilty about it. You are expecting to be perfect and for them to be perfect, and it's just going to make you frustrated and crazy. For what it is worth, I've been home with my daughter more this summer - she's almost 6 and I only have her, but in all honestly, she makes me crazy too. My work as a relief veterinarian is very sporadic - some weeks I have nothing, and sometimes I have 3 or 4 days of work. Which sounds great, but I'm either working (and DD is at the babysitter's) or home with DD. And when DD is home, she is bored - she asks for things all the time, constantly wants my attention, always wants to go somewhere, and sometimes going someplace fun, she is still a pill about following the rules and being cooperative. This week I am working 3 days, but I got her enrolled in a local day camp all 5 days - she's having a grand old time and I'm getting a break.

I would discipline the 4 year old for teasing her sister, and I would try to get the 2 year old to play more on her own for short periods of time, but otherwise, as hard as it sounds, try to relax your standards and stop trying to do too much. For meltdowns, they can be separated and sent to their rooms for time-outs away from you and away from each other. I still have to do that DD sometimes, and I also remind her that if she can't cooperate and listen to me without arguing, we don't get to go anywhere. I tell her it's not fun for me to have to listen to her arguing and whining, so if she's going to make it less fun for Mommy, I'm going to make it less fun for her. I tell her it makes me sad when she acts this way, so that gets her thinking and hopefully she realizes the impact of her behavior on others. I also tell her that any complaining about anything, we can just go right back home and she can spend the rest of the day in her room. I try to do at least one day a week at the pool or a lake for swimming - last week, when it was super-hot, I did 2 days. Other days it's a playground, or the zoo (we have a yearly pass) or fun museum - none of these are that structured, and she gets some exercise that gets her more tired by the end of the day.

But seriously, have them go at least one day a week to camp on a day that you are not working. Everyone needs a mental health break from their job. Raising kids and staying home with them is the toughest job of all but somehow we are made to feel guilty for wanting to take a break from it. I am getting my break today, and I will be in a much better mood and more happy to spend time with DD later today when she comes home, than if I had spend the whole day with her, and then by bedtime I am crabby and exhausted. Cut yourself some slack and don't beat yourself up or feel like a failure because your kids are not happy all the time and make everything more difficult - at some point they have to be responsible for their own entertainment and not expect you to make life one big circus all the time.

And just for the record, I have one friend who is a SAHM to 2 little girls, and she has them going to day care/camp 2 days a week, so she can catch a break and they can have some more structured activities. And I have 2 other friends, also SAHMs, whose parents have summer places up north and often will take the kids (their grandkids) and keep them for up to a week at a time. I don't know too many people who are totally happy and blissed out to be home with their kids 100% of the time. I love my daughter more than life itself but it's also very draining to be with her all day, and having a break once in a while makes me a better, happier Mommy.

You said it well! Our five are under age 7, so I put all of them (except baby and toddler) in a camp every day. They stay busy. When we did not do this, my patience wore too thin and everyone always fought. And planning an outing for all of them is really hard. I thought it'd be this great thing and it always turned into major stress with kid meltdowns, and between diapers and nursing we spent all time in the restroom. Staying home is not fun, as mentioned. Camps are our perfect solution.

You are not a failure! I am a single Mom of two boys, ages 5 and 7. I deal with the same issues that you do. We have this expectation of how our fun little outings will be and then it all goes down the drain when the kids are not cooperating with our vision. I have been using the 123 Magic method of discipline. The book is available in a few different versions and in bookstores everywhere. The key to this tactic is that you must remain calm and basically emotionless. It is hard, I admit that but it does work. It's not as simple as it would seem either. I think we, as Mothers are in a constant state of preparation for the next step or anticipating what may happen next so it is hard to just go with the flow. That is not in our nature. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your girls will look back on these times and really appreciate that you did fun things with them. Now, you just have to try to make it fun for you too. Take care and know that there are a lot of us in the same exact shoes! :-)

Totally normal, this comes with their ages.

I'm too tired to remember the best strategies for getting places and having fun. I'll try to write more later.

I totally hear you. As hard as it can be, try to take some pressure off yourself. Like the other mom said, you do not have to be perfect! Kids are hard work and you need "you" time.
One thing that has helped me when I feel stressed is getting together with other moms. It always helps my kids to have other kids to play with and it gives me a little adult conversation time!
While you are home, maybe coming up with a daily schedule could help. Just so they know what to expect and then you can schedule some time when they are playing or having quiet time to do some chores around the house. Or you could have them help you with the house work, I know it can take longer, but you all might enjoy it.
Another thing I have done is each day try to come up with an activity to do, like planting flowers, or an art project, or making some fun (easy) food.
I am the kind of person that it helps to have a schedule to follow and my kids seems to do better when that happens also. When they are going at it and I find myself getting stressed, I usually try to switch things up (go for a walk, go on a treasure hunt, have book time, etc).
I think every mom goes through this, you are not alone and you are not a failure

Maybe camp 3 days and get stuff done around the house on your other non-working day? (Not that getting stuff done around the house isn't work!).

Then you will have one day just for them, and make that day fun--for you, too.

I can empathize with you completely. I am taking a major online course that is draining and then feel guilty for not being "there" 100 percent.

But I make sure when I am with her to leave the house so we can both be carefree.

Good luck.