Help Stopping a 4 Yr Old Lying

Lying is not inherited, but no one has to be taught to lie.
Read him the fable of THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF. Read him Bill Bennett's book A CHILD'S BOOK OF VIRTUES. The best book of all, full of more wisdom than you can ever absorb, you have rejected.

Not sure how naive your son maybe, but I do have a co-worker who tells her grandaughter to show her her hands when she thinks she is telling lie. She then tells her that he hands are turning green when she lies. I understand that this method would not teach right from wrong, but if done enough times he would begin instinctively telling the truth.
You could also put the shoe on the other foot, by telling him a little lie and seeing what his reaction is, and then explaining what your reason was for doing that.

Also do a search for some books to aid teaching morals and ethics to children, there are plenty out there that do not have a emphasis on religion or god (I truly understand what you mean not wanting the answer to come from religion, I was married to a compulsive liar who had a strong Catholic rearing, so I know that religion does not equal moral). Good luck to you and your son!

J.- i'm actually going through a very similar situation with my 5 year old step daughter. we have joint custody of her but she spends (thankfully) much more time with us than at her biological mother's. the hardest thing for us is trying not to blame her mother when catching her in a lie b/c we know that her mother lies and we cannot ever take anything she says at face value (much like your child's dad). i want to tell our daughter that i don't want her to end up like her mother but i know that is not an option. instead, we try very hard not to say anything bad about her mother as it isn't fair for us to manipulate her opinion of her. (she can make her own mind up when she's older).

i've really thought long and hard about this. before the Bible and before Christianity families taught their children right from wrong and held them accountable for moral decisions...so why am i having so much trouble?!

that said, i've tried a few things...in addition to taking toys away, time out (which doesn't seem to work at all for us) and other things. i've repeated the story of "the boy who cried wolf" time and again, emphasizing that no one believed him because he hadn't been honest. i try to remind her that if she isn't honest then others will not trust her. we have also bought and read a few children's books about basic behavior, kindness, patience, that sort of thing and i think they might be helping. she still tries to get away with occasional lies and ALWAYS displays the same behaviors to give herself away (hands up around her face and mouth, averted eyes, even her voice changes slightly!) but i think she is catching on and she knows that lying gets her into more trouble than it's worth.

best of luck to you. it's difficult to understand why a loving child would feel compelled to be dishonest. i think it's just a way of exploring their new found ability to fabricate stories. something else to think about it how to foster that creativity and teach them to the difference between "joking" and "lying" and telling interesting stories... geez, who knew parenting could be so demanding!

The best advice is to pick up a bible and read it no matter what religious background you were raised with. GOD is everywhere. Wal-mart or any christian store carries a variety of Bibles that are easy to read and understand. It's also a good idea to find a local church that you feel comfortable in and attend. Please make sure it is a church that preaches GOD's word and not a cult. This would bring your son into a positive environment. I have learned PRAYER is a powerful thing!

When you have moments to talk about telling the truth, you will need to reinforce how important this is so that people will trust you. He wouldn't want someone lying to him, so he can't lie to others. When you know he's lying, tell him you know. Also tell him that God sees his every move and would be very sad (and angry) if he does this. All you can do is continue to reinforce good behavior and have consequences for not following the rules.

I just saw your response about no religious advice. Did you ever stop to think your son's value system may be weak because of the lack of religious discipline?? Just a thought. He could certainly learn a lot from a Sunday School teacher about behaving correctly or what consequences we all face if we choose to ignore God in our lives.

You don't have to be "religious" to seek guidance. Whoever said to read the Bible simply sought Godly council. You have a choice in the kind of guidance you chose.

I have a 4 year old daughter that lies just the same. I could be in the room when something happens and she will put her twist on the story. Honestly, I believe it's their imaginations developing.

Now, with that said I DO point out the difference between lies and stories. She definitely knows that lies are unacceptable and can be hurtful, and she is scolded accordingly.

Listen to him when he tells you something. If it is a down-right lie, discipline him. Make sure he understands what he said, how he turned it into a lie, and just how much you will NOT accept a lie.

J., I don't know if this will help but when my kids do something that is objectionable I always ask them, "Do you ever see your father doing this?" or "When did you ever see me or your father doing this?" I know that this won't work exactly the same for you but maybe there is another male role model that you can use as your example. Instead of pointing out the flaws with the liar(s), point out the good in the role model. (not that you were doing this, but as an example)
I remember that my boys did experiment with lying and stealing when they were 4 but quickly stopped it by 5. I feel for you. I have met three pathological liars in my life, one of which was my uncle and the sad thing is that they are a laughing stock to all their coworkers and family- behind their backs. Liars are NOT revered, they are laughed at and made fun of. Good luck. M

I don't want to sound rude. But maybe you should try reading the bible. That is always a option for everyone. When my children were younger and I read to them. I read them one story a night and then we would read the 10 commandments and the Lord's Prayer. At that time we were not active in church, I just felt like it was important to know these things. I also have a brother that is a pathological lier and I do worry that my kids might inheriet that trait.

Good Luck

I used to have a son w/the same problem...I explained the difference between the truth & a lie to where he could understand it then when he started to tell us something we'd ask him if it was the "truth" or a "bull story"...he finally caught on and would say it's a "bull story" but we'd go ahead and listen to him and thank him for telling us the truth. He grew out of it shortly. I think all kids go through this and some say for a small child it's a way to get attention as their self esteem is being formed and by watching adults around them ...they catch on really fast. Start praising him for "who" is & doing a great job ..focus on everything he does then when he starts to lie, let him know that you know it's a lie and it's not accepted...! Be gentle & firm...good luck.

I don't believe lying is genetic because we aren't born to be bad. I think its learned behavior he must have learned from his dad and/or uncle. Long before our kids learn how to talk they understand us, and it doesn't take a baby long to learn which parent is the pushover, what they can get away with, etc.

Without dogging his dad out (very easy to do in a divorce situation) I suggest talking to your son, and give him scenarios he will understand. Like "How would you feel if Mommy said she was going to buy you a toy for your birthday, but I got you a pair of shoes instead? Would that be right? Is that what I said? No that is not truth. If something is not true its a lie. How would you feel if I lied to you?" If you and your ex and his wife are on decent speaking terms, talk to them, pretend you want suggestions on how to deal with it. Don't say " I know he learned this from you and your brother". Your son is probably lying for attention, so you certainly don't want to be at odds with your ex over this. KWIM?

Good luck!

I know what worked with both of my children when they started lying... I sat them down & told them that they would NEVER get in trouble for telling me the truth, no matter how bad that truth might be. I made it very clear that if they lied to me, however, I would be very disappointed in them & that they would lose their trust from me - & it would take a LONG time to earn it back.
Then I just re-inforced that every time they lied...
You need to stick to your guns with young children no matter how hard they take it & you need to really moniter their environment... the people around them.
Hope this helps, :-)

Hey J.,
Well, I have a question for you. What is truth? What is right and what is wrong? In todays cultural economy, there is no truth, there is no right and there is no wrong. It all depends on the situation, how you feel, what you want and what you think is right or wrong. The simple fact is that that is where society is.

It is very difficult to teach right from wrong or truth from lies outside the Bible, notice the capital B. The Bible is the foundation for truth and the foundation for right and wrong. That is why you see so many people suggesting that others read it. All the answers really are in there.

So, if you are looking for truth, right and wrong, you might open up that Bible and find it. Hey, if you don't have one and you are in the NW ARK area, I'll give you one of mine.
B.