HELP!! Temper Tantrums - Salt Lake City,UT

My grandpa dealt with temper tantrums in the most unique way....

He had 7 children. If one of them had a temper tantrum, he'd pull up a chair and watch it like a show. He'd holler, 'Hey - come watch! Molly's having a temper tantrum!' Then whoever wanted to come watch would come watch....He'd oooh...and ahhh...and point out techniques....all the while with a big smile on his face. He never let them get under his skin.

The tantrums never lasted long..lol

I've never been brave enough to try it. I tell my daughter (age 8)if she wants to scream and throw a fit she can do it in her room w/ the door closed. She can come out when she's ready.

My son is only 2. When he has a tantrum, I ask 'oh, did that make you mad/upset/sad when mommy ______' and then ask 'do you need a hug?' That's pretty much it for him.

I refuse to deal w/ tantrums in public. I say 'we'll talk about this when we get home/in the car' and that's the end of it.

Hello L.,

I wanted to let you know that I am a mother of kids, and let me tell you what I did, and it worked for me. IF my kids pitched a fit in public, I didn't take them out any more until they quit doing it. I would drop what ever I was doing and went home. It makes life a little hard because you have to come back to where ever it was but they got the point that it was not going to be that way. When it happened at home or at family or friends house, I would point to the floor and tell them to have their fit right there. I would then walk away. I didn't respond to any of the temper tantrums. That is the major thing they are looking for is attention, take that away and they will start to do it less and less. I hope this helps. Please let me know if you tried it and how it worked. You have to stay firm and not give in to what ever she wants.

When my oldest was 2 we started sending him to his room when he had a tantrum. We explained it in a way that let him know it wasn't a punishment. He needed some time to calm down on his own. We told him to go to his room and come back when he was happy. It worked very well for us. He learned to control his emotions and identify how he was feeling. He even got to the point where he'd send himself to his room and come back with a smile on his face. Good luck!

I have a boy who is 10 years old now and is better but we went through many years of horrible fits and it started before the age of 1 years old till about 5-6 years old. I know they say all kids throw fits but these were above and beyond and like you nothing seems to faze them, no matter what you do to punish they just don't respond to any kind of punishment. I guess what I have learned through all the years there is no magic thing that I can tell you that will work exactly because every child is different, but what I can tell you is that you make the difference and if you hold fast it will work but it is hard. I don't know about you but I tend to be easy going where I tend to give in just because it seems to be easier and I feel oh he may go with out if I didn't. You need to start now and pick your battles determine if it really is worth it and if so stand your ground, and you have to win. The hardest part is not loosing it and that is where you might need to take a break and come back and resume. I know I have dealt with fits that were 2 hrs long! What I had ended up learning several years later is I had some control in how that went, if only I had not started to loose it and just say no this is how it is, not do any why are you this way or many other things you can say in the moment.If you don't control it now it only get's worse. If you are in public take her home if you can, make sure you tell here why shortly after the tantrum is completely done. From my experience during them they are not able to reason. Also you can try just wrapping your arms around her until she calms down. Mainly you need to win, if you say no that is the way it is. We also learned we were giving to long of punishments and that he always felt punished so why be better (this was as he got a little older). This comes back to how to punish because nothing phases them. The best thing that after all the years that worked was to put him in the corner or just sit on one spot and let them make the decision when they come out once thay are completely done and ready to reason with you, make sure you make it their decision. Always let her know when they have done wrong and make sure you praise the good things, and if your is anything like mine I found it hard and like there was so much more bad then good but really make sure you praise when she is good. There are also books you can get about raising strong willed children. Hope this helps,this really is a subject dear to me because what we went through was extremely hard and exauhsting but you can make the difference. They are looking for your response. C.

I would say look into "love and logic". You respond with empathy (so sad, what a bummer) and then give a choice (do you want to have a fit in your room or be a sweet girl here) then she lives with the consequence (so sad this attitude isn't working for mommy - enjoy some time in your bedroom - you can come out when you are ready to be sweet). Remove her from the area - even if you have to lock the door. Allow her to decide if she wants to behave badly it means she goes to her room so it doesn't bother others. And don't get mad! Even in public, you need to remove her. Don't react to it - do your best to ignore her. When things are bad - use few words. When things are good - that night before bed - you can discuss it. You can even practice - hey hunny (with a smile) new house rule - when you want to throw a fit you can hop skip or jump to your room and do it in there - then when you are sweet you are welcome to join the family. Make it her problem - not yours!

Oh, I almost forgot about those lovely temper tantrums. My oldest was the worst and she is now 7. I think most kids act that way because they don't know how to express their feelings or what they want. If it's because they are "spoiled" stop spoiling them or bribing them with treats.

When my daughter was 2, I had her go to her room but she would come right back out, so I had to stand there and hold the door shut. It would last for an hour (or longer) at first, so I started locking myself in my room so that I could "ignore her". We were living in a really small apartment at the time.

Anyway, I think I tried everything in the book and nothing seemed to work with her. I called my Mom in tears telling her I didn't know what else to do and she said NOT TO EVER GIVE UP OR GIVE IN!

Then, she told me to try something that they do to train cats -- I would squirt her with a squirt bottle (not as much water as a cup or 1/2 cup). I kept one in the car, my diaper bag, in the kitchen, and in my bedroom. It took about a month, but it finally worked!!! I would give her a 3 second warning to stop and if she didn't I would squirt her with the squirt bottle.

It was hard for me to leave a store while shopping, especially after spending an hour or more at Wal-Mart because I didn't want to go back and spend all that time to get all the stuff again. So I didn't leave when she acted up at the store even though many people told me I should. So, the squirt bottle therapy (as I called it) worked for that too. I would take her to the bathroom and squirt her with the little squirt bottle I kept in my diaper bag or purse. It was the perfect solution for my daughter, but each child is different.

Now that she's older, I either don't buy her a treat that I agreed to get her, or I take away dessert after dinner. That usually makes her behave immediately. Or I take away a play date. But her treats and friends are very important to her, so you have to find what's "important" and use that.

You can't talk or reason with them in that "stage", so after she calmed down we would talk about how that's not acceptable and how to use her words. I would also reassure her that I loved her.

Super Nanny says to put them in time out and keep doing so until they stay there and calm down. The time lessens and lessens each time. The key is to never give up and to keep doing it until they realize who the boss is. I love watching that show because she always does amazing things with families having a hard time with their kids. I try to learn as much as I can from her.

I would love to try the "walk away and ignore them" technique though. I've never heard of doing that until reading what other Mom's have told you on this post.

Best wishes, D.

I agree with the majority of people here. Ignore it. Turn your back or walk out of the room. She is doing it purely for attention. My daughter started throwing tantrums at a year old, we started to ignore them and she is now 2 and I can't remember the last time she threw one. Good luck!!

This is one of the hardest things to deal with I think. My two girls were good at temper tantrums. I have a very spirited 6 year old and every once in a while she tries to throw a fit again, public or not. The only advice I can give is what worked for me. I know you have heard it before but the best thing to do is ignore the child while she is having her fit. It is one of the hardest things to do, especially in public. In public I would just pick her up an leave. That may really stink if it is something you need to do, but then she can loose something she likes to do for the day like tv. She is old enough to learn about consequences both good and not fun. I would then explain to my daughter that when we go to the store I expect her to use her calm voice when she is upset and if she cannot do that then she cannot be at the store if she is going to throw a fit. You can also start the shopping experience by setting expectations, If it is a reoccuring thing. Tell her that you expect her not to ask or whine for something and you will give her a reward at the checkout stand. Anything from a piece of candy to a movie rental or whatever you can think of. I would then remind her while you are shopping that she is doing good and on her way to earning that prize. If she acts up I would give her a few warnings, maybe only two.

The important thing is that whatever you decide to do is to stay firm. It is really hard when you have to leave or not offer the prize because she threw a temper tantrum but it works in the long run and you will be happier for it. By the way, giving a prize is not a bribe, it is a reward. A bribe is giving something before the action.

At home I would let my daughter throw her fit and ignore her. If she is being dangerous or too annoying I would place her in her room in time out. I would not say anything to her until she would calm down. It does no good to talk to a toddler out of control. After she would calm down I would talk to her about why she got mad and how she could have handled it differently (taking deep breaths, etc). I would then offer a consequence that has to take place because she threw a fit. Whatever you feel is good, usually something with what the fit was about. If she threw a fit because she wanted candy right now then maybe she gets no more today and you will try again tomorrow.

As far as taking toys away I have done that successfully too. I tell my daughters the toy is in time out until this time. They understand time out. I also explain why it is in time out and what they have to do to get it back.

This may be hard but it is very worth it. You do not want to deal with this when she is 6 and too big to pick up! You also do not want to deal with this at 14 when she can just run away as a temper tantrum!

I am sorry that my post is so long and that I blab on! I hope I have helped if even just a little! Almost every parent has been through this! Good luck!

The temper tantrums are for your benefit. You have 3 options- Remove her, remove "it" or remove yourself from the situation. Then say in a loud voice- "Uh OH! Time for a little bedroom time. Pick her up take her to her room. Ask her if she would like her door open or closed on the way, if she doesn't decide-decide for her depending on how you will keep her there. WHEN SHE IS CALM- set the timer for 3 minutes, no longer than 4-5. Then when she comes out giver her lots of love and don't mention it or go over it again with her. She knows why she is there. If you are out in public there are many MUD devices (Mobile Uh-OH Devices) snapped in a shopping cart, stroller, etc. Park her facing a corner and don't pay any attention to her tantrum. Just make sure wherever you put her that you are always close in case she hurts herself and try to make sure it is a safe area, initially before using it.
LOVE AND LOGIC has raised my 3 year old and I absolutely love it. Check it out, there are probably free classes through the RESD in your area. www.loveandlogic.com
Good luck!
C.

Sometimes when children are having tantrums they are in a place they won't even hear you. Sometimes it helps if you prepare her for a situation ahead of time, like reminding if you are going to a store that you are not going there to buy something for her. My son was having tantrums and taking him off all artificial colors and flavors helped immensely. He went down from having almost daily tantrums to them being barely weekly. It has to be all of them and their are many alternatives. He was 7 and said when he was in a tantrum his parents became strangers. I also have him on a good nutritional supplement and we have safe cleaning and personal care products in our home. Many grocery store brands will actually aggravate conditions like ADD/ADHD. He's now a confident healthy 13 year old that monitors his own diet in regards to additives.
Best of luck,
S.
http://www.YesToSuccess.net/S.
Helping families health and wealth for over 11 years

My daughter does the very same thing. And the crying will drag on and on and on...
Talking to her when she is in that state just makes her even more mad too.
I have started asking her to take her crying to the other room and when she is done then we can talk. She usually hollars "OK" and goes to another room. I never use her bedroom for things like this though. I want her room to be a place that she associates with happy and rest.
The crying spells have shortened dramatically since I have started asking her to go to another room.
The only reason that they do that, in my opinion, is to GET their way in the end. With my daughter, I want her to learn that some requests are just not possible at certain times.
I hope this helps you. Let us know...

Hi!
A couple thoughts and ideas to share:
1. Per my therapist -- the idea that during a temper tantrum, a child actually gets to the point where they are truly out of control -- and this scares the bejeezers out of them! He suggests helping them regain control in a fairly non-intuitive way. During a temper tantrum saying things like, "Wow, you are really mad. Can you yell louder? Great, that's great. Now, can you yell softer?" I know it sounds a little weird, but by choosing to yell louder, they've actually had to regain some amount of control, and they are back on the road to self-control.
2. If our kids are loosing it, we've been known to sit down with them and just hold them on our laps. Just wrapping our arms around them. They most certainly will push at you, trying to be released, but having you to push at physically can help relieve some of the fear and anxiety they are experiencing.
3. Lastly, one of the things we've done that seems to help prevent getting to tantrums, is acknowledging and validating their feelings, but not letting those feelings dictate behavior. For example, if it's time to put on shoes, and one of the kids says "I don't want to put on my shoes', we'll respond with 'That's ok hon, you don't have to want to put on your shoes. You still need to put them on, but you sure don't need to want to do it. You can be mad all you want."
If just making the separation between feelings and actions isn't enough, we'll follow up with, 'if you aren't putting shoes on by the time I count to four, you'll have a time out'.

I can understand that none of these may sound very helpful at this point, but perhaps they'll be of some use along with other advice you'll get. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, and would just lastly say that anyone with any experience parenting has had children with temper tantrums in public, and will be understanding if they run across you. For those folks who haven't had the experience, they probably will at some point in the future, and then they'll get it. :)

Erikka had the same thing I would say, but I can tell you a friend of mine had a son, that even ignoring didn't work, so one day in a store she was so frustrated with him she threw herself on the floor and started kicking/screaming and "crying" after a few seconds her son realised what she was doing and he stared at her, and yes so did a few people in the store, but he actually stopped, she looked up at him and said "boy doesn't mommy look funny when she throughs a fit just like you", she did it for 2 days and after that he never had a meltdown.........just a thought!

Little miss is trying her very best to manipulate you, and if she is making you feel bad during a tantrum, it is working. Turning your back to her or even walking out of the room during her tantrum, while letting her know that you are interested in hearing what she has to say as soon as she can speak in a princess voice is hard at first, but after a few times of consistancy, she will see that you are so uninterested, and that she can get what she wants faster by skipping the tantrum and just speaking plainly about how she feels. Sounds simple, but it really works
Angela

I have a daughter that is now 4, but when she was 2 & 3 she definitely went through periods of unbelievable tantrums. I found that the only thing that worked was 1)consistent discipline & follow-through and 2)ignoring the tantrum. When she wouldn't get what she wanted & flew into a rage, I wouldn't discuss it with her, I would just ignore her. Sometimes she would cry & scream for a very long time. But eventually she would figure out that it wasn't going to get her any attention. If she then misbehaved to get attention during a tantrum, I would just calmly take away whatever meant most to her at the time - a toy, a doll, TV - whatever I knew she would miss. When you start doing this, they do act even worse & the tantrums get worse for a time. but if you're consistent, it will get better eventually. Whatever you do, never ever cave in & give them what they want. If you do, they learn that the tantrum works & it only encourages them to do it again.

In public, these things are way more difficult to do. Whenever she would act like this in public, I would remove her from the situation. If we were at a store, I would leave my cart, take her outside & put her in her car seat & just sit in the car with her without looking at her or talking to her for 5 minutes or so - kind of a time out in the car. It's a pain, but after doing this once or twice, she knew I meant business & her behavior greatly improved in public.

Good luck!

Lots of good advice below. All 3 of my girls did this, some worse than others. Absolutely, don't react to it. Stay calm & appear to ignore the behavior, addressing it after it's over by talking about it &/or removing priviledges because of it. If a day (or whatever) goes by without any tantrums, reward that positive with positive attention. The ignoring part is hardest in public. I never walk more than a few feet away for safety reasons. If they were in a cart, I'd just continued my shopping, not responding to the negative behavior. If they were on the floor, I stood there until they were done. If anyone in the store says something negative to you, just ignore them too! But most people understand as they probably went through it too if they have kids. It can also be a challenge to get other family members to cooperate with you in ignoring the behavior, but it's imperative. Once she realizes that the tantrums don't get her what she wants (consistently!), they will taper off. Hang tough!

Have you heard of the books called PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC? They are the best books out there on how to discipline calmly with love. I would buy it today!

I have six children there are couple of ideas I have for you.One when I am out shopping my kids know, and the range from 17 to 2 years old, I will not put up with any kind of temper tantrums or teasing and fighting. The minute they do I will warn them once and then I will pick them up and walk out where ever we are out eating, grocery shopping, ect. I will leave my cart and go home. And then I won't take them next time, I will leave them with a friend grandma ect. You only have to do this 2 or 3 times and it usually stops the tantrums because you are serious. You CAN"T let in once you start or they will start again. Everyone once in awhile they will push me to see what I will do and I pick them up and leave again. I have probably only done this 5 or 6 times in 17 years so it doesn't take long for them to learn. Second I know this may sound crazy but I have done two diffrent things at home one I droped my self on the floor next to them and started doing exactly what they are doing screaming and everything the stop and look at you like what in the world. And last I have viedo taped them and after they calm down I show it to them they realize how stupid they look. Also at home I will walk out of the room and let them you have their fit they just want your attention so don't give it to them in a negative situation. When they calm down on thier own and come to say " Oh! its so nice to see my good girl I'll talk to you know and give her attention when she is calm. M. H.

You need to do all you can to completely ignore her behavior. If you are in a public place and don't want to put others through it, calmly pick her up and carry her to your car and let her go at it.

Talking to her about it, and trying to reason with her simply will not work - she's only 3. Her reasoning skills go as far as; when I do this, mom does this.

The other thing I've done with my own 3 year-old is create a "crying zone". She doesn't throw the types of tantrums you are describing (although both my children tried it out to see what would happen), she just resorts to crying when she doesn't get her way. The crying really gets on my nerves. So, now, whenever she starts, I calmly pick her up and carry her to her room and tell her crying is ok and she can come out whenever she is done. When she tries to come out and cry again, I say, "oops, looks like you aren't done, back to your room".

Keep in mind this all goes super well in the beginning of the day when I'm not tired, it is much more difficult at the end of a long day - especially a snow day!

Hope that helps

L.,

When my 2 year old gets home from high-activity daycare, it seems like every night she throws a fit. She is so tired she cant control herself. I do not believe in spanking either so we have a corner for time outs when she is naughty. When she throws a tantrum I just pick her up set her in her corner and tell her that she can come out when she is done and then I walk away. I was surprised how quick she straighted up and she acted like nothing happened and again was her happy self. She actually went into a better mood after time out.

Hope this helps and good luck with the tantrums. I too hopw it is a phase that they go to.

M.

You need to stop giving her attention for it. I done this before. It's hard, but works eventually. I once heard of a mom you made a "tantrum in progress" sign and would lay it by the child and walk off. In todays world, I don't really suggest it, but you get the idea. If you ever watch "Super Nanny", she also uses this technique. When you put them in their time out spot, you tell them why, after that there's not even eye contact. You just continue to put them back and they eventually get the idea. I've seen it take hours before, but stick to it. It really works. I speak from trying many things and this works the best.

L.,
as long as you GIVE her attention, she will be throwing serious tantrums over and over again.
Keep the space safe, and allow her whatever she wants to do, NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO HER>
If you get tired, waiting when she will be finally exhausted and done with the fit,
then you can try one more trick:
pretend that you absolutely do not see her: as soon as she starts getting into the tantrum 'mode', you can walk around, not 'seeing her' and talking totally to yourself: "I wonder where my little beautiful girl is, I cannot see her, and I miss her smile so much! Hmmm, I hope she did not go far, maybe she is in the bedroom, let me see... no, she is not ehre either... okay, I will just have to sit down and wait, she will be back for sure, because I love her so much, and I know she loves me too." At some point, she will get tired or exhausted, and will loose all the hope of getting your attention, and then she will appear before you as normal good girl again. THIS MOMENT you need to overflow with joy, and smile to her, and tell her "Oh, here you are!!! Where have you been? I already started looking for you in all the rooms! I missed you, smiley!"
She needs to figure out, with your help, that as soon as she is throwing tantrum, she becomes invisible to you, and the attention is ALL drawn away from her, but as soon as she has a smile, or behaves just normally, she gets a lot of cuddling great attention from you.

IN NO WAY YOU CANNOT GIVE UP and do what she wants by trying to get it through the tantrum, even if it is in the middle of the store.
Be strong, dear Mama L., and good luck to you both!

Hi! I just read your post and thought I'd share some advice. Feel free to do what you want with it. :) I honestly believe that kids need boundaries and when they do not have any, they "act out" in response to that. I read that you do not believe in spanking, but there NEEDS to be some immediate consequence for her actions and she needs to know that you are in charge, that she cannot, under any circumstances act like that just because things don't go her way. I have seen kids that get no discipline (which is an expression of love) and then by the time they turn 8,9,10 and on up, it is completely out of control and they have a monster on their hands. If your daughter is old enough to throw a tantrum, she is old enough to be disciplined. I know by trying to "reason" with her seems loving, but it just does not work. It would be like trying to reason with a toddler why he or she shouldn't stick his fingers in a light-socket! It wouldn't do much good and by the time you got done explaining how electricity works, is is too late!! Also, I think it is important to make sure your children understand that they need to listen and respect your commands the FIRST time. If you tell her to STOP! because there is a snake, or she is about to go running out into the street and she has zero respect for you and is used to not listening or obeying you and just getting her own way, that can be a very serious accident waiting to happen. It becomes a safety issue really. I would get it under control as soon as you are able. It will take a lot of time, committment and PERSISTANCE, but I promise it will pay off in the end. I just know, if you tell your child one thing, but do another, they catch on to that REALLY quickly. I don't know how you plan on discipling, but I don't know that making her sit in a "time-out" in the middle of a parking lot somewhere will be do-able. (in the case if she does not listen to you if/when you tell her to stop.) Immediate and consistent discipline is what I think kids need and WANT. It has been proven that kids feel more loved when they know where/what they're boundaries are! Take care, and good luck! :)

I asked my sister (who has 4 kids) what I could do to curb tantrums. She told me when they do the bad behavior you need to put them on time out in there bed right away. My 14 month old was starting to throw major tantrums and I started that. It seemed to curb them immediately. I would say "When Jack hits mommy, Jack needs to sit in his bed for a minute." I would only put him in for about 10-15 seconds to start. Then i would sit in there with him, after the 10-15 seconds I would say is Jack ready to get out and be nice. Usually he was great after that sometimes I would put him right back in if he still was hitting, (or whatever the behavior was) At three you could probably do a little more time on time out. One thing to be careful of is hollow threats. If you tell them you better follow through with it. they pick up on those things. Good luck I hope this helps. Also my sister said handle them at home first and they should stop in public.. If you are in public, go to a private place and handle it. Even if it means leaving your full grocery cart. This way you don't have an audience. It will only happen a few times before they learn.

L., I totally understand where you are coming from! I, too, have a 3 yr old that really knows how to turn it on. However, if Heidi starts to act like this, I give her a warning and if she doesn't heed, I tell her she has to go to her room. I leave the door open a bit as she is really good at standing right at the edge, but stays in there. I do let her scream it out. It sometimes kills me to have to listen to her cuz I cannot help her. Talking or trying to pick her up only enrages her more.

However, I do believe in the occasional spanking. It depends on the offense. However, I wouldn't do it due to a temper tantrum.

Oh, and after she's done with her fit, she's usally fine the rest of the day....

My son, once an angel, started doing this. Fortunately, he stopped within a few months. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you stop using a conscequence once she ups the anti. My suggestion would be to choose the conscequence, and stick with it, no matter how nasty she gets. She will realize that she isn't going to get her way by behaving badly. Whatever you do, don't let her 'win' the battle. Obviously I don't mean for you to up your own anti to the point of being out of control yourself... I just mean don't let her have the reward she gets out of the tantrums. Stay calm enough to figure out what that reward is, and whatever conscequence you choose must include not letting her get that reward. And don't change it, stick with it. It won't work immediately. That's why we start wondering if we've chosen the right method. But sticking with it is the key. My son figures that if he gets my husband or I to give in just once, then he may get it again, so he goes it over and over, in hopes that that one time of giving in will happen again. So never giving in and always having a consequence that he really dislikes is what worked for me. (Time out in a room alone with no toys is what works for him because he is so social.) And don't worry about what other people think or say... for instance in the store, or mother-in-law. Anyone who's actually had a tantrum throwing child would understand and anyone who hasn't... their opinion doesn't matter anyway. I sure wish you luck with your daughter!!! They are smart little stinkers aren't they! :)

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry with you. Both? We're working through the same ca-ca with our girl - It is the age of FIRE!! Every boundary tested to see "Does the world revolve around me?" ;)

I found the DVD/CD series' by Danny Silk out of Redding, CA to be phenom!!

Just remember - she has an ability to choose and can learn to make good ones. Your firm consistency will go a long way. If you waffle on your boundaries, she'll sense it and rise to "take control". 3 year olds are often more savvy than we think. One thing that caught me in your msg, was that your very mild form of training - taking her toys away - caused rage. Of course it will. She doesn't like it. Your training isn't about whether she likes how it feels - it's about creating a safe, firm loving environment. You can do this girl!!

I'm so glad you asked this, my 2 year old has been doing the SAME thing, and it was nice to be able to read through everyone's posts and get some advice off your question!

Try giving her something called Niacinamide. It calms anger. Recommended by a good doctor for my grandson.
J.

L.,

You must set limits with her now, before she gets older and her tantrums get really big. I am a therapist and give this advice all the time to parents who have similar issues. What she needs, esp at this age, is for you to take charge and set the limits. For example, if she wants candy in the grocery story - tell her ahead of time - we will not be having candy today. If you choose to throw a fit when we are shopping, we will leave the store immediately (be ready to do this, abandon cart and all or it will backfire and she will not respect your word in the future. Look her in the eyes when you tell her this, be firm and really mean it) and we will go home and you will have consequences (tell her what the consequences will be as well so she is clear of her expectations). Kids can sniff out when you are serious and when you are not. I suggest practicing in front of a mirror - your best "I am serious" face and voice. Try it out - if you are serious about it and don't care about other's (other shoppers) views about you and your parenting (often time this is the issue and kids know it so act out in the store knowing they will get their way because mom or dad are afraid of attracting attention) - she will get the message. I did this with my boys and shopping has never been an issue - but I had to really mean it and know that they got that message. Otherwise, they think you are just blowing smoke and they can do what they want. One other thing is that kids feel out of control when we don't set limits. This is esp true for a 3 yr old. If she doesn't learn emotional regulation now - you and her are in for big trouble later. I suggest reading info on emotional regulation and developmental psychology as it related to a 3 yr old (Eric Erikson is my theoretical choice). Good luck! Debra

Next tantrum, simply step over or around her. She is controlling the situation. She is only getting your attention, so don't give it to her. Remember you are in charge.

When she starts to throw the tantrum make sure that she is safe and the area is clear for the tantrum then "ignore" her. It is a show for you and the more you pay attention the more of a show you are going to get more often

Testing 1-2. She is becoming of independent mind and wants to do things at her own pace and in her own way. Not a bad thing really, until you challenge her. Offer her options when asking her to do something or cooperate with you in any way. If that does not work, walk away and ignore her tantrums. When they don't produce the results she wants, she will stop doing it. It may take a few days of listening to her cry as if she were about to die, and a large amount of patience on your end, but the end result will be a better understanding between you and your daughter. I would also tell her to go to another area of the house (not necessarily her bedroom, but a corner of the kitchen, diningroom etc.., so she can be supervised and not associate her bedroom as a punishment area) if she wants to continue with her tantrum. This will let her know that the rest of the family is not interested in participating in her tantrum. She sounds like a smart, independent child who is determined to do things her way. This drive will serve her well as an adult, but for know she needs to learn control, and with a loving Mom, she will. Grandma C

I'm a 27 year old mother of four. All of my kids (except for my 1 year old....he will get there too) has thrown tantrums. I also don't believe in spanking! You teach them not to hit others and then you hit them.....doesn't make sense! I took a love and logic class and they suggest you take them to a room. Talk to them and tell them when they are ready to stop the tantrum they can come and be with you. Be sure you get down on your knees down to their level to talk to them. It may take 20 minutes or more but if your consistant (CONSISTANCY IS THE KEY!) then tantrums will slowly ease out. I'm not saying my kids never throw tantrums but when they do they are very short lived. We don't send them to their rooms anymore we just send them to a designated corner and set the timer on the microwave to a minute per year of the child. If they are still throwing a tantrum when the time is up we add more time. Anyway I hope this helps.....this age is hard, they are trying to be more independent. Good luck

When our younger ones throw themselves on the ground we (gently) tease them about their behavior but don't give in. "Uh oh, there's a pout monster in the house. Everybody run!" We also ignore them, since they are trying to provoke a reaction from us, specifically to manipulate us into giving them what they want. Ignoring while not letting them upset us seems to work best. In public, I would stop whatever the errand was, pick her up and take her to the car, put her in her seat and sit with her until she calms down, but I would NOT talk to her or otherwise engage her until she calms down.

You have gotten a lot of good advice. Some children have a hard time controlling their anger. I found a good children's book that is about a child getting angry and how to calm down. It's "When Sophie Gets Angry, Very, Very Angry". My kids love it. You can probably check it out at your library.

I agree with Janice's comment just before mine-- we tell our daughter to go to her room when she has a tantrum too. It is not as a punishment, but rather because I don't want to hear it. She can come out whenever she's calmed down. In all reality, she isn't throwing the tantrum for herself, but for you. If you aren't there to hear/see/respond to it she will calm down much more quickly. Of course, this is harder in public areas, but what I usually do is tell her that if she doesn't stop then we will leave-- and then DO IT! Once we were in a clothing store getting my daughter something and she threw a fit because she wanted another item she couldn't have. We left immediately without buying anything and she learned really quick to calm down next time I threatened. Sure it is inconvenient to leave a cart of groceries and have to come back and round it all up again, but teaching a child appropriate behavior is more important.

29 year-old mom of 3 1/2 year old girl and 19 mo old boy.

LOL -- I have to laugh. BOTH of my children do that and from what MY Mom tells me, it's the same as I did! Ugh. What comes around goes around hey? You're right - when they're like that, I can't even touch them - they get even MORE angry. I keep telling them over and over that it's OK to be angry and I understand they want (whatever it was), but it's NOT OK to hurt themselves, anything, or anyone else. If I CAN, I find a safe place for them to finish their tantrum then comfort them. My Son had one tantrum where I lost MY temper too and he actually ripped all his art-work off his little bulletin board. He was devastated afterward and I think (hope) he learned something. It's tough, but I'm told it won't last. Just make sure they somehow (how? no idea yet since I'm in the midst of it too) learn how to handle their strong emotions. WE keep having talks too about what's OK to do when we feel angry - yell in a pillow, punch/kick the AIR, whatever. I'm with you girl. You'll have to post and let me know what you find out!

I'm glad to see that everyone feels the same on this. Whenever my daughter (now 4) throws a fit in public, I make sure that she is safe and walk away, all the while keeping my eye on her. My son sees this (who's 2) and has this look like "what's her problem?" She hates to be away from me, so eventually she calms down and follows. If she throws a fit in public, I follow up with it when we get home. Since I can't do much about it when we're out, I send her to her room as punishment when we get home. Now, when we're home and she does it, I either walk away explaining that she doesn't have to like my answer, but it's final. If she continues, I send her to her room to throw her fit there so that the rest of us don't have to see it. Like someone else said, it is just a phase, but if you don't gain control of it now, it/she will end up getting control of you. The MOST important thing is follow through. If you don't do that, she won't take you seriously.

Having some background as a pediatric nurse I can tell you that the literature sugggests that when a child throws a temper tantrum to simply ignore it. For most children, when the parents try to intervine by calming the child down, the child gets more angry and agitated. Once your child is done with the tantrum (whether its 20 min's or hours) you should redirect the child with something else that she enjoys doing. For example once she has calmed herself down you can say, "why don't we go play with your new doll that you love so much." or, "why don't we color a picture of your new doll and show it to daddy when he gets home." The idea is that by ignoring bad behavior (the temper tantrum) the child will stop with the bad behavior because she isn't getting any attention from it. By placing more attention on good behavior, your child will start to demonstrate good behavior. By taking away her favorite toy, you just might be giving her attention when she is demonstrating bad behavior. Hope that made sense. Another suggestion: when your child throws a tantrum place her in a safe room where she cannot harm herself. Try to create a safe environment so that she won't harm herself. for example, if she is in the kitchen remove her from the kitchen away from knives and drawers that she could bang her head on. When you are in public I recommend taking her to the car and let her go at it while you are in the drivers seat reading a book or looking at a magazine. If you ignore her when she is demonstrating bad behavior she'll stop throwing her tantrums because she'll realize that she is not getting the attention that she wants from mommy. Hope that helps!

Hi!
My name is A. and I just joined.
I'm just 30 and have 3 beautiful children. 5, almost 4 and 2.

and I'll try my hand at a little advice for you this morning before I start the bacon and eggs! :)

Much of the time a child throws a tantrum for attention.
The little one KNOWS they'll get attention ( even if it is negative or disciplinary attention ) when they throw a tantrum.
This is NOT to imply I think your child is STARVED for attention. Obviously, you care for her a great deal. But even a child who 'gets enough' attention usually wants more!!! :)

When I was dealing with a little tantrum-phase with one of my children, my mom told me about a method I'd never heard of before. And it was effective. Now, all kinds respond differently to every approach. But you may want to try this one!

The idea is that when you observe your child starting to tantrum, you TURN your WHOLE BODY AWAY from the child. CALMLY. but DELIBERATELY!!!!
This is a calm and firm body-language statement to your child that you are not responding with attention to the tantrum.

I"ve done this and slowly walked away as well.
I would not even respond verbally to the tantrum.
Just continue with chores or something until the child realizes the tantrum is availing nothing.
:)
This will NOT emotionally damage your little one. You are not leaving the house. You are not being abusive. You are merely making a Right Statement to her about a life lesson that will serve her well later in life! :)

it CAN work. and work well!!!

Like any new method, I"d suggest preparing yourself ahead of time to 'stick with it' before you try it. Be firm with yourself and commit to trying it for a certain number of days. ya know?

Also, if your child's Daddy is around, ask him to use the same method as you are using...and consistently!

Children need to know the boundaries. When we take the position of catering to their needs...or trying to 'Please Them' when they are distraught, they see that they are really the ones in the driver's seat in the family.
This will not serve them well in life where they will eventually be grown and have a Real Boss at a job, at school, etc.

Our HUGE job of teaching them the proper way to live under the proper authority in all areas of the world is for sure a daunting job!
But we CAN do it!

Having other moms to share with is a great encouragement, isnt' it?~!

thanks for letting me have a morning ramble posting back! :)
~A.

Dear L.,
You sound like a great mom who is going through what all of us have!
You could begin by either video taping a tantrum, or when your daughter is NOT throwing a tantrum... YOU throw one to show her how this looks to other people. Tell her what behavior is acceptable in a store. (I told my children that if they did not know what to do, to look at me and do what I'm doing. If I'm not sliding on the floor on my stomach, then they shouldn't either.) A three year old does understand this.
Finally, set aside some times as "training trips." Take your daughter to the store. When she throws a tantrum, whisk her out to the car and home. Say: "You're such a good girl. I don't know why you are choosing to act this way. I know this will never happen again." You don't have to even get mad... just state what you expect and take her home. VERY SOON AFTERWARD, maybe the next day, go over acceptable behavior in a store. Take her out to a store again. Soon after you get there (before she has time to throw a tantrum), tell her you are so happy that she has decided to use acceptable behavior and because of that, she can enjoy a reward (read a favorite book, take a trip to the park, zoo, etc.) - all the while reminding her that she has earned this reward by choosing acceptable behavior in the store, and you know she will continue.
Take her to the store again very soon. Tell her what happened when she chose unacceptable behavior and what happened when she chose acceptable behavior. She will develop self esteem and be proud of her good record (yet to come!) of acceptable behavior 100% of the time.
L., remember these are "training trips." It won't work if you attempt to get all of your shopping done while she throws a tantrum! I have two children, and I think I only made two trips with each child (alone), and they got the message. I took them to an upscale gift shop.
Do point out how other people in the store are behaving. Have her show you which ones want to earn a trip to the park by being so good. Have her evaluate the behavior of other children. She will be happy to know she is doing much better than most!
Best wishes to you, L.. Raising kids isn't for sissies! It is hard work, but it pays great dividends!

Love,
L.

I have a 2 year old son who rarely throws tantrums, but when he does we leave the room. I'll go into the kitchen and start straightening up things or so something else. Before I leave I'll tell him that he can scream all he wants, but my answer is final. Usually in about a minute or two he realizes there's no one around to witness the tantrum and follows me. He then settles down before saying MaMa and that's when I pick him up and go on like nothing happened. My sister-in-law used this technique with her kids, and even when they were older she would tell them they could scream and cry all they wanted up in their room but the answer wasn't going to change. I think kids are trying to stretch their boundaries and it's our job to show them where those boundaries are and remain consistent. Good luck.

I couldn't help but wonder if you really mean the word "spoiled" in your "about me" segment. If that is the case, good for you for recognizing that and asking for help. I have a 3 yr old boy. He is not spoiled but has still thrown a few temper tantrums. Tantrums are an age and stage phase, but it is pertinent to teach appropriate responses to anger however that impossible to do in the heat of all the anger. I've learned it is crucial to continually show your child appropriate human behavior and keep an ongoing conversation of appropriate reactions and responses to things while the child is not angry and when we are in the throws of a blow up my style is to get real close to my child, talk softly but firmly and I say, "It is not okay for you to _______ about ____________. We do not do __________." Example, "It is not okay for you to yell in a store about not getting to ride on the rocket. We do not yell. For kicking or flailing I make sure I hold them real close, like in a hug and again talk very firmly and softly in their ear. After my little formulaic phrase I always follow up with the logical consquence to their actions. I might say, "When I tell you "no" and you scream I don't let you ride on rockets." "When I tell you 'no' you say 'okay mom'." Like I said I try very hard to be a constant example of what human behavior is acceptable and you'll notice I did not include anyting about knowing they are upset or angry in this example. That is because I have found that talking about the right ways to verbalize yourself and showing understanding is only effective after the child has calmed down. My child will calm down very fast now and even say to me, "I'm sorry mom, I do not yell." and then he'll, on his own, follow up with, "It makes me sad when I don't get to ride the rocket." And then we've opened it up for another conversation of appropriate behavior and talk about what he can do next time he is told no, when he asks to ride the rocket. PS I don't always say no to riding the rocket obviously, but I wanted to make sure it was clear.

As hard as it may be the best way to deal with a temper tantrum is to ignore it. Stay as calm as possilbe & as long as she is not causing damamge to herself or her surroundings, let it run its course. Calmly say to her that when she is ready to be nice to let you know and let her be. If she does not get the reaction she is expecting she will change her behavior.

Before you go out in public talk to her about her behaviour let her know that tantrums are not acceptable and you will leave the store, restaurant, etc. if she throws one. Be prepared to follow through. As soon as she starts crying, give warning that you will leave (make sure of course that she is not crying for a good reason, ie hurt scared etc.) If she continues leave. It will be an invcovenience to you for a time but eventually she will get the message. Also be aware that if she is tired she is more likely to throw a tantrum in public.

Please keep in mind that most partents have dealt with tantrums in public and understand what is happening. They are not judging you. It happens. Just be consistent & let he know that her behavioir is not acceptable & it should change. Don;t give in no matter how uncomfortable or "embarrased" you may be with her behavior. Follow thorugh is the key.

Good luck!!

L.,

Dealing with temper tantrums can be difficult. The advice I can give you is to retrain her in a hug if she is trying to hurt herself or the things in her room.

My son, at the age of 3, was very upset at a decision I made and started smashing his head into the wall to make himself cry harder. I picked him up, put him in my lap, and wrapped my arms around his body. I told him that when he calmed down I would let him go and if he hurt himself or anything in his room on purpose again I would retrain him again. After about 15 minutes he calmed down. I had a headache at the end from all of his screaming, but it really paid off. We talked and agreed that if he felt like he really needed to he could hit or kick his mattress or pillows, but not anything else.

I have not had to restrain him since that time and he is 6 now.

Just remember she is trying to control the situation. If you give into her she will continue to dominate your family and dictate when you and your husband can do anything. Your job is to teach her that she is not the only person in the world who has wants and desires and that she needs to learn to respect other people. This will come with time, just keep enforcing your rules.

Good luck!

First I would look at when, where and why is having them? Is it when she is tired? Hungry? Bored? Does it happen in the same store? If have answered all of those questions honestly and find no problems the read on. As fas as public temper tantrums I always go with either A. let them happen, don't try and drag her out of the store but don't continue shopping as though nothing is happening. Let the tantrum run itself out and then have a conversation about it afterward. or B. Leave immediately. I have left whole grocery carts at the front of the store while leaving with my misbehaving child.

Another way to ward off the tantrum would be to try and get her more involved while shopping. Make a shopping list just for her with pictures and small words on it. Banana's, Apples, etc. then let her help shop. I have also found that rewarding with postive behavior rather then negative goes alot further. We have being using a ticket earning system in our house (even with our 2 1/2 year old). The kids pick at ticket 9day out with dad, movie night, stay up late, pick what they want for dinner, etc.) The keep thier ticket and parade it around where ever they go. The 4 yr old has to keep it for two days the 2 year old for one. Then they get to turn it in and receive their reward. If at any time during those days I feel that they are acting up, then they turn in their ticket and start all over again. Good Luck!

LOL!!! She sounds like my little one, who by the way is now 8, and a perfect angel. But when she was your daughter's age....WOW!! What a temper, and I was at my wit's end, J. sure I was doing something wrong! I wasn't, I J. had a very bull-headed, determined child. I tried everything, talking, time-out, taking toys away. There were a few times I had to leave my cart of groceries and go home because I was so embarrassed by her behavior. Then I J. decided that it was a phase she was going through and that it too would pass. When we were at home, I completely ignored the tantrum. For awhile, the more I ignored her, the madder she would get, but my theory was "tough!" When she would finally tire herself out, I would hug her and tell her I loved her and that I'm happy to spend time with her, but not when she's screaming. It didn't take too long for her to figure out that I meant it when I said the tantrums were unacceptable. And as far as the public tantrums, I made a cardboard sign, folded in half so it would stand up, and on both sides I wrote "Temper Tantrum in Progress! I apologize for any inconvenience" Then when she threw a fit, I took the sign out of my bag and set it on the floor next to her and waited for the fit to pass. Though I was still horrified by how she was acting, it at least gave the other customers a little chuckle and also warned them to get the stuff they needed in the other aisles if possible. I know it's a hard phase to get through, but remember, it is J. that....a phase! Hang in there and keep right on enjoying your little girl.

My almost 3-year-old daughter acts up when she doesn't get her way also. Two tricks that some times work. First, if she is upset that she doesn't get to watch her shows anymore (enough of Dora... bring on American Idol!) she'll get very upset and cry. Yesterday, I just turned up the sound a little and ignored her. She stopped crying after about a minute. She started playing nicely and that was the end of that. The trick is that you have to act like it doesn't totally drive you nuts that she's screaming. The second trick is distracting her. If she wants candy or something she can't have, I try to distract her with something fun. I get out a toy she has forgotten about or suggest we ready a book. That usually makes her forget - at least for a while. I think the most important thing is not to give in, and not to get too bothered by it. Easier said than done though, right? Good luck!!

Try walking away (if you're at home). There is no point in creating a lot of drama if there is no audience.

My son went through that a while ago. He would even start hurting his little brother, or trying to break something. I would just go pick him up (noy saying a word) lie him down on his bed, and say "when you are ready to be calm you can come out". He would always scream louder, but I knew he was safe in his room. It took a week or so, but he just stopped. I really had to follow though, if I didn't just one time, it was like I had to start all over.

She wants your attention. Try making a lot more positive comments or interaction when she is doing the right things. I found that if I would give my son attention when he was just playing quietly our day was much more pleasant. I would just walk over give him a soft hug, and say "Thank you for playing so well and using you indoor voice. I Love You!" He always smiled it helped dramatically.

Good Luck! and remember it is just a phase!

3 year olds can be extememly frustrating.....just make sure that whatever it is that she wants when she throws a tantrum dont give it to her. If you do she thinks that the tantrum is an effective way of getting what she wants

L.,

IGNORE it! She is doing it for attention. When she throws a tantrum, do not respond to her until she is able to speak with her words. Eventually this behavior will stop.

If it is in public, take her outside and put her in the car and take her home. Do not speak to her on the way home even if she screams all the way home.

This is simple behavioral modification. You need to take control again. It is not being mean (although very hard to do). Take deep breaths and understand you are teaching her the correct way to behave.

Good luck!

L. :)

I've read through the posts. I agree that what worked for me was ignoring and walking away. But, there is a bit more to it than that. The next time your child behaves well or does something praiseworthy, let her know how impressed you are. Rewarding good behavior goes hand in hand with ignoring the negative. She will learn that the way to get attention is to do something positive and that it makes her feel better to be praised.

I am also a mother of two young children. 7 & 2. I have been through those days and reliving them again with my second. Each child means you are a "first-time" mom. It doesn't get easier, just different in my opinion. Anyhoo...I walk away anytime I possibly can. The more I try to help, the worse it gets. So I walk away. I have noticed that eventually they give up and realize they are more alone when they act that way. Now with my second child, I walk away for about 15 minutes or so and will come to "feel him out", see if wants me yet. Most of the time he will continue to push me away, and then get mad when I walk away. But I won't pick him up when he is like that. I only pick him up when he will calm down once we can sit together and snuggle up. The moment he returns to the battle zone, I get back up and walk away. It's like I feed the situation if I stay and try to console him when he is that far into a tantrum. My daughter was the same way. I had a counselor tell me to use the "hold" on her when she got that way and it was the wrong thing to do. (The "hold" is a hold caregivers give to troubled children to keep them from hurting themselves and others. It looks cruel but it doesn't hurt them.) It made her so much worse. So I say walk away Mom! Get your marbles together, take a breather, do some yoga, go outside and scream, or whatever you need to do to keep from going insane. May the power of motherhood stand at your side! But be sure to WALK AWAY!

Dear L.,
You may want to reconsider your stance on spanking. There is a very valuable book by Dr. James Dobson, "Dare to Discipline". There are many other ways which are effective for discipline besides spanking, but I have found there are times when it is appropriate. It should not be done in anger and it should be explained to the child. I have used many other means: time out, taking privileges away, but have used spanking also as my last resort and it usually gets their attention when needed.

What my husband has done (it really cracks us all up)is behave exactly like the child does. At first the child is incredulous that an adult would behave like they are behaving- flailing arms and all. Then they get embarrassed and even more angry, but as he continues to "mimic" them, they stop what they are doing! We all get a good laugh out of it, which also teaches the child that their behavior is 1. Unacceptable 2. Ridiculous and very important 3. Not effective. We can usually move forward from there. I never, ever give treats to get them to keep quiet. At her age you will be surprised at how much she is manipulating you and that most of her behavior is a reflection of you doting on her to the point of her taking advantage of you. She doesn't understand all the convoluted reasoning, but she does get what she wants...you to be in a dither,- Try just acting like she does...no matter how silly it seems. She is probably very bright and will get the message. SHE doesn't want HER MOM to behave that way!

You could try another approach, don't react at all, just remove her from the environment. I use all the resources at my disposal for discipline.

Best of goodness to you. Remember you are grooming her for your/our future, they say the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world. Do you want her to control you and others with her behavior? All children need a reality check. Giving boundaries help children know who they are and that you really care about them. Don't be afraid to discipline her. You want to take her with you in all kinds of settings and not fear that either one of you will be embarrassed. Society has norms, like it or not. Life is much more enjoyable knowing the societal morays and then working within those norms. She will enjoy much more freedom understanding what is acceptable behavior. Don't loose sight of the fact that she needs a Mother. Thinking that she needs a "best friend" is a misnomer. Children always need the stability of having their parents be parents. That doesn't mean we can't be very personal and have lots of fun together, but don't forget that she needs that stability and you are it!
God Bless,
H. B. MOM, mother of many-(9)

It is helpful to know what sets tantrums off, and to (generally) try to stop them before they start. Well, it's easier than trying to stop them once they start, really.

Humans need regular replenishment to keep going, and small humans need replenishment far more frequently than big humans. This means she needs to eat every couple of hours, have several rest times through the day, get some fresh air, drink enough water and lots of attention and affection.

Once a tantrum has begun, the only thing that works is to stay close, hold her if she'll let you and you can do it safely, and wait for the storm inside her to wash away. You can't talk her out of anything, she is totally out of control of herself. Her little body is overflowing with stress and stimulation and she has no longer got any way of dealing with more -- including instructions, criticism, punishment, or anything beyond 'there there'...

I found it was really helpful to know that they aren't behaving badly to make anyone angry, to 'get' anything or to prove they're unlovable or evil. In fact, they aren't behaving at all -- their bodies are getting rid of the overwhelm, nothing more. They can't talk about it later, they don't understand it any more than we do. It isn't a choice.

As your little girl matures, she will no longer have such a difficult time dealing with being overwhelmed, and you'll get better at knowing what kinds of things overwhelm her. Our world really isn't set up for little people, much, so it really isn't surprising all the expectations and demands we place on little kids is too much for them.

Howdy L.,
well this is a tough one!!
when we were kids (a long time ago!!) my Mom used the old glass of water trick.....this works great at home. when your little darling starts up at home, first tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, and she needs to stop now....let her try her way for a few minutes more, then take a glass of water (half is enough) and toss it on her.....this will shock her and make her mad....then pick her up, take her to her room and again tell her that her behavior is unacceptable. You will no longer put up with her tantrums, and tell her you will continue to throw water on her whenever she throws an unacceptable tantrum. Then walk away, close the door and ignore her for however long it takes....turn on some loud music so she knows you can't hear her, or that you are not listening to her. Of course, stand outside her door so you can tell she isn't hurting herself, but don't let her know!!
when in public when she starts up, just grab her and leave.... put her in her car seat, and let her rip!! all the while telling her again, that her behavior is unacceptable. This way you DON'T TEll HER that she is a bad girl...she isn't, just her behavior is bad.....if she is still throwing the tantrum when you get home, go pour a glass of water and calmly walk in and set it down where she can see it... It shouldn't take you too long to break this annoying pattern.
GOOD LUCK!! when she is older you threaten to take her to the ladies room.....and we all know what happens when MOM takes you there!!!!!

hey L., you're in good company there. Do you ever watch Supernanny? She's amazing. Here's my humble opinion:

L. is throwing the tantrums because she can. She knows it gets your attention. When she begins her tantrum, CALMLY (without emotion, it's hard, but it can be done) put her in her room or a safe place. Tell her that when she's calm you'll talk. They need a safe place to get all that emotion out. When she's calm, tell her she can come out, then try to discuss what is happening. Explain to her that the behaviour is unacceptable and give her ideas on how to better express her disapproval. At 3, she's not likely to listen (or appear not to listen) but given time, it should work. [It's worked well for my temper-prone 5 yr old]. The hardest part, for me anyway, is to remain calm and show no emotion. Good luck and God Bless!

I am sure you have heard this before, but walk away. Do not try to calm her down. Remove objects that could hurt her and just do not give attention to negative behavior. I am not saying that I am perfect at this, but I know it is what I should do too. When she is not in the middle of a tantrum, teach her some "words" to express her feelings. "You feel really mad when ...." etc.Eventually she will put the two together and begin to tell you about the injustices that have been done to her... get ready for all that communication. When she is done with her tantrum, give her lots of love and hugs. Good luck.

I am a mother of six children. I had small moments of tamtrums but only one that tried to continue it. I see many comments that you should ignore the actions, I too believe that but i took a step further. When my daughter would have a fit I would take her from what brought it on and into another room. I would set him down on the floor and tell her (firmly, but lovingly)"Tha t is not the way we act" I would take into another room, set her in the middle of the floor and go back to what I was doing. She would last for maybe 30 more seconds and it would be over. I would stay calm and uneffected by her actions, just let her know I did not aprove. She only did it for a short while and since she was the second child I did not have to deal with tantrums with any of the others. I found later that I could let my children know that I did not aprove and and follow up with love was all that it took. I prcticed this at home so much that it would flow into the pulic areas. Once your child knows what wil make you respond they tend to contiue to do that. so stay calm and unbothered by it, but let them know you are unahppy with thier actions.
I know the frustrations and I hope you are able to take the best of all this advise and and come to a place that you are happy and can find what you need for you and your child. Good luck.

My pediatrician always told me to make sure the child was in a safe place, and then walk away. If they know the tantrum isn't working to get your attention or to manipulate you into doing what they want, they soon give up. Because your daughter is already 3, it may take a little perseverance, but don't give in. If you are in a public place, take her out to the car and put her in her carseat, then sit in the driver seat and ignore her. My kids only tried the public tantrum once, because it didn't work. Also, when you go to a store, letting your child know your expectations ahead of time is very helpful. If you tell her you are only buying groceries, or things the family needs, and that you won't be getting any toys or candy, she already has ground rules. Perhaps you can let her help you pick out a cereal or fruit, giving her some sense of control and choice. You can reward her good behavior by doing something special afterward, like maybe going to the park or reading a couple of stories together. It worked with all three of my children, who are now almost 14, 7 and 4. Good luck!

Dear L.
Toddlers go thru temper tantrum, THIS IS NORMAL. it is part of their normal evolution but we live in a society where children are not allowed to be children. Toddlers crave for attention, ignoring is cruel, yelling makes is worse. What can we do as parents? be there, by their side, helping them going thru that burst of emotions they can't control. put on the "carribean smile" aka "mommy understands you, it's ok smile". check the discipline book from William and Martha Sears, they are great doctors who truly know what they are talking about, very inspiring and caring.
I hope this help. By the way, my 2.5 years old go thru tantrums too, but they become rarer and rarer, she knows I am here to rescue her, make her feel better, she doesn't need those tantrums as often as before...
Peace

I agree with Tanya B. My boys are 7 and 3 and both of this were/are awful at 3. This was/is the age where they try to test me and see how far they can go. Let me tell you that both of my boys know that no means no. They also know my "look". When in public, I don't even have to say anything. I just have to give them the "look" and they know to straighten up or else.

At home when my youngest gets really bad with the whiny crying over nothing, I tell him to go to his room that no one else wants to hear it. This usually works. He goes and then he gets bored so he stops and comes back out.

Good luck with this.

I read through some of the comments not all since there was so many but I wanted to put up a suggestion or two.
Do you allow her to make simple choices. My daughter who isn't even two yet is allowed to pick out her outfits. Of course I pick out two outfits I don't mind her wearing and she chooses from that.
At a meal I may let her choose between two vegtables or two fruit.
If you know you are about to enter a situation of a possible fit talk to her before hand and let her know what you expect of her. example she always wants a candy bar from the store. "We are going into the store right now and we are going to pick up a few things on this list and that is all" then maybe allow her to hold the list and have her help you find the things on the list like you say "oh milk is on the list where do we find that" when you get up front and she asks for a candy bar just say "let's look at the list oh there is no candy bar maybe another time".
Another thing is distract my dd was about to through a fit yesterday because we were leaving McDonalds and didn't get anything. (Dropping off RedBox Video because the one at the grocery store was broken) I said do you want to go bump, bump (over the railroad tracks) she got all excited and started clapping her hands and saying yeah!!!

You could try a small child restraint. This is not how it may sound, you sit behind them and cross their arms over their chest(their right hand, your left, your right, their left)until they calm down. It stop them from hurting themselves, and they can't get out. All they can do is kick. I have tried it on my 2 year old boy. My sister who works with troubled kids, and is working on her masters in psychology and sociology showed me this.