Help with 5 Year Old Grandson Acting Out

Hi L.:

I have five children of my own and I have learned from experience that this behavior is for the attention. He needs some one-on-one time with Mom, Dad and even Nana, maybe taking a walk, going for ice cream. You know doing things that big kids do. Help him to see that there are advantages to being older and having siblings. Lastly, dont just threaten him, if you promise a punishment/action follow through with that, or he will become even more troubled because he knows that you dont do what you say/ that you are all talk. I know it is very hard and frustrating. However keep up the GREAT work!

L.
I'm a MeMe to two wonderful little ones. As far as your grandson acting out, I would definately try some one on one time with him. I liked the other idea of doing a chart. Maybe reward him with a night out at Grandma's house. He could pick the menu and/or a movie. For each day that he doesn't get in trouble reward him with something small or give him the option of "saving up" for something big, like the night out. Find out what interests him the most, research it a little, and reward from that. Have Mom and Dad try the same thing.
Good luck.

You are a great Nanna. I had to smile when I read your post. He is 5 and everyone is so concerened. I can remember being about the age and acting out myself. I was the youngest and I felt as if everyone told me what to do. No matter what happened I got fewer privilidges because I was the youngest, I had to stay home when my brothers went out, I was also the only girl. Girls did not do this or that, it was frutstrating for me. I just got mad. I dont think I did anything real bad but I did weigh the consequences of my actions and it sounds like he is doing the same thing. He is weighing the punishment, like he said, it doesnt sound like much.

I knew one time that if I did a certain thing, i would get a spanking. I can remember sitting there thinking about it and coming to the conclusion that it was worth it. I would take the spanking and do it any way.

If I look back at why I did these things, I think it was because no one was listening to me. Everyone else was making the rules and I had to live by them. Well, that is life, right? But when you are 5 it just seems like there is nothing you can do or say that you dont have to get permission for or get in trouble for. So I chose getting in trouble instead of asking permission. I actually did things I knew i would get in trouble for.

I guess my point is this. Listen to what he is saying. If he says he wishes he was an only child, listen. There may not be enough time for him in the day, by the time the younger kids are taken of, maybe he gets what is left over. Or maybe he just feels like he does. Maybe he feels like he has to be the one who always gives in, or has to wait, or never gets what he wants. I dont know, but he is getting what he needs when he gets in trouble.

When a kid feels invisible, they do things to be seen. when they think no one hears them, they make enough noise not to be missed. When they feel they want to be held and loved on, they tease the siblings they should be holding and loving on. When they are told that they will be rewarded if they are good, they know that if they are bad they will get even more attention. So they talk when they should be silent. They run when they should walk. They tease siblings when they know they should love them.

Kids are smart. It is working. You are worried about him, and he must know that. His parents are at their wits end and he must know that too. I have a theory that kids are like glasses of water. Kids are like glasses full of water. They are different in one way, some glasses are larger than other glasses. A juice glass holds very little, but a 2 liter can hold a lot. If the kid is a like a glass then the water is like love. Some kids require a constant reminder that they are loved and cared for, while others seem to do well with a small amount. Regardless of how large the glass is, as long as it is full the kids are fine. But that it run low and they begin looking for it any way they can. A child with a small glass is not hard to fill up. A child with a 2 liter takes constant care. When it runs low he begins looking for a way to fill it again.

Your grandson is communicating loud and clear. He is asking the adults in his life, "Do you love me"? And the adults in his life, who of course love him more than he possibly understand are answering him, with a question. Why are you doing these bad things? His answer, I wish I was an only child. It says it all. His large 2 liter is having a hard tiem staying full with the little ones around.

So, what to do? I know in my case, punishing me is what I expected. What I wanted was for someone to grab me, hold me and love me so much that they would never let go. I wanted to be held and read to. I wanted to be taken some place special, not with my brothers. I wanted to know that when I talked someone heard me, and when I cried i wanted them to know it hurt. I wanted to be able to talk about my day, and the things that I saw and did, without more important things coming up, so I had to wait until a better time, which never came. I wanted to feel special.

I know you love him and so does he. Now make him special. I hope this helps, it took me back. I said things here that I have not said to anyone in a long time.

Dear Nana,

This little guy sounds very much like my 3rd oldest who is now 25. I would encourage you to look up Cynthia Tobias' books at your local library--she has several. You could also google her company AppLe St. which stands for Applied Learning Styles. I suspect your grandson, like my son, is what is called a "concrete random" thinker. Tobias has a great writing style and her books are fascinating. I read them too late to help my son, so he had quite a few hard lessons to learn as a young adult, but he is finally slowing down on trying to "buck the system."

Blessings to you as you minister to your grandchildren!

Good Morning Nana L.. I am sending you a private note as it got longer then necessary on here.. LOL

Us Nana's hang together
K. Nana of 5
I am 57, married 37 yrs to HS sweety too. I am Worn out at the end of the day too. I pick mine up at 7:30 they go home around 5. Calgon won't help either. ;)

It sounds like he may be adjusting to being in a new school situation. Kindergarten is a lot more structured and does ask a lot of children, sitting, listening, especially if it is all day. You didn't mention if he was a younger 5 because that may have a lot to do with his behavior. It may just take him a little longer to adjust if he is a younger 5. Also, like mentioned before, make sure he gets special one on one time with you and with mom and dad to let him know he is loved. He may be jealous of the attention that the younger ones require. Also, since he is hiding when he gets home, make sure he is not being punished his "bad" behavior at school. Talk with him about it and help him come up with some solutions and then move on. He needs to know he won't get in trouble twice. Good luck.
M.

It sounds like he just started Kindegarten therefore, he has realized the others get to stay home & have the fun with NaNa. He's jealous which is understandable. Try to have a special snack waiting for him & maybe a favorite story when he gets home. Make sure he knows he's the center of attention the first few minutes he is home. Maybe show the younger siblings what their BIG brother did in school today. Also, I don't agree with the way the school's label a child's day. I don't want somebody labeling my day & I'm sure the teachers wouldn't want to have their personalities rated that way each day either. That said we can't change the schools & if he is only getting moved one mark I wouldn't worry about it. A child is not going to be perfect & they need to know they can make errors. It's good to encourage perfect days, but you can't expect them all of the time. Not talking during quiet time is hard. I'm sure he was used to being able to "rattle" to NaNa all day & NaNa didn't mind. He will get the hang of it at school or he may be a child that just has a lot to say. My oldest has a comment for everything and fortunately for the most part his teachers have learned to work with it instead of against it. Good luck & keep showing him he is still the center of your world & he'll adjust!

Sounds like your grandson wishes he had more attention...what kid doesn't right? Sibling rivalry is very common. His siblings are at Nana's and he has to be at school until the afternoon. Making activities only for big boys may help or maybe he can be Nana's helper. Has the teacher voiced concerns about his behavior? It is a lot of pressure on kindergarteners to not "mess up" all day and consider it may be easier to misbehave once or twice than it is to take the pressure that he feels everyone puts on him and he probably puts on himself. Next I would recommend the "Love and Logic" series. Jim and Charles Fay have written numerous books about what to do when kids misbehave and all the theories work wonderfully and it isn't hard. The books are about allowing the kids to take responsibility for their choices and this is done by giving the child choices when possible, allowing children to make mistakes, and careful guidance and a lot of empathy. It works best when EVERYONE is involved, including parents. I hope this helps and growing up is hard to do, but your grandchildren are so lucky to have a Nana that cares so much and is so involved.

I agree with spending some one on one time with him. Every child needs that. You all may also try the 1-2-3 Magic way to deal when he acts out. There is a book and I know you can get it on ebay. My husband and I just started using it with our children and the children I babysit and it amazing. I will try to give you the short version. Pretty much adults talk too much and have too much emotion when discipling kids. Tell him to stop what he is doing give him a few seconds and then say 1 if he doesn't stop then say 2 and if you get to 3 put him in time out. When he is done serving his time out don't talk about why he went. When time out is done the situation is over. Don't talk inbetween counting either. There is more to it of course but that is the start. I highly suggest reading the book. I think the title is 1 2 3 Magic Displine for Children 2-12. I hope this can help some.

Hi L....I'm not really sure I see what the behaviors are that you are concerned about. Being moved from "Super" to "Good" doesn't seem that bad to me. He's only 5 and perhaps he's learning the ropes regarding the rules at school. He can't be perfect all the time. The fact that he doesn't want to tell you and that he hides when his parents get home should be telling you something.

How about concentrating on his good behaviors while he's in your care? When he's home with you perhaps you could use a chart and give him little stickers for the good things he does. This will encourage him to be good more. I'm not saying there shouldn't be consequences but sometimes it helps diminish the acting out when you reinforce the good behavior too.

Are his younger siblings full siblings or half? He sounds like he is reacting to a parent who has started a new family. That can be devastating to a child, and there really is no cure. Also, it sounds like his parents don't spend much time with him if you watch him after school. Don't get me wrong; I'm sure you do a great job, but kids really need to spend time with their parents. Lastly, if his father works a lot, that is very damaging to young boys. He should cut back and spend more time with him. Basically, all of the fixes are things you have no control over.

It sounds like to me there is too much expected of this child in particular. Can he be homeschooled? School is made for girls, and sometimes boys can't handle the pressure of sitting still, quiet, etc. I read a sign that said; Boys: a noise with dirt on it. That sums up most boys, I think. Also, if he can get attention being bad, then that is what they would do. I would think maybe ignoring the whole name change thing may help, making an issue of it isn't helping obviously. Concentrate on the good and ignore the bad. If the bad can't be ignored, then very stern discipline that he can't stand would be more effective.