Help with a 23 Year Old?

If she feels that she's entitled to be there (which is the impression i get) then you are entitled to respect. And no that's not the way mothers and daughters are. If you are respected for what you do for them and not taken for granted because you are "the mother" it's a great relationship to have. She needs to pay you,an amount that's workable for both of you, for rent and help with things around the house. If she doesn't feel she needs to do this then give her a moving out date and don't fall for the drama that will come. It's time to "un-spoil" her. If you don't the world will.

Hi Charlie Candi J,

This sounds like my family when I was growing up. I'm 40 years old now. I am the middle of three daughters and am the one that is living with my dad right now since the death of my mom from breast cancer.

Your daughter will come around and "need" you as she gets older.

But to answer your question what my mom did with us three was we had responsibilities and obligations that were required to remain at home. My mom wanted us to go some days but generally she dealt with us staying at home -- it was more about her being concerned that we could take care of ourself if something happened to her and my dad (this was before her breast cancer diagnosis).

In regard to her not talking to you my mom would say I'm not prying I'm just your mom. My sister's didn't understand that my mom's "questions" of where we were going and when we would be back wasn't because she was prying but to begin the search for the body. Sad to say it that way but living in the Los Angeles Area as an adult now I can understand that comment. I think this will be the hardest part for me to let my children go and not want to protect them from the world we live in. But my mom wanted us to sprout wings and fly.

So, my mom gave us three options -- she made it very clear that it was her house and her rules we could live with that or move out, we could pay rent for "our room" but that didn't include general use of the rest of the house, or we could move out.

My parents were always supportive of the three of us and when we needed to move back home they let us but we knew what the ground rules were.

So, my suggestion think of what ground rules you want to have with your daughter and if you and she can't agree then tell her nicely that it is time for her to start her own household with her own rules. Tell her that you will always be here for her to talk. And as my mom said to me before she passed she loved each one of us but she was happy to be just a wife again. Don't be afraid to be an empty nester was what she was telling us. Her daughters were only a phone call away. Final note mother daughter relationships are the most complicated relationships on the planet but at what ever age we are we always need a supportive mom.

Hope that helps, J..

You are not doing your daughter any favors by enabling her to live off of you. My parents allowed me to stay home until I was in my mid 20's. I know that they good intentions but I feel that it set me back in life. I am now on my own in my early 30's and I am finally learning the true meaning of being a responsible adult. I now look around at all of my friends who have been on their own since their late teens and early twenties and they all own their own homes while I am still paying rent in an apartment because I have only recently learned the importance of saving money for a down payment. My advice to you is this: If you continue to allow your daughter to stay in your home then make her agree to set aside a portion of her paycheck to save for her own place. You are not going to be there to support her forever so it's important that she learns to stand on her own two feet. Good luck.

Okay, you need to stop being a doormat! She's living under your roof, and you have to right to institute some rules. Make them reasonable, considering her age, but make a list of the things that are important to you (for instance, she must clean up after herself, she must speak politely to you, she must shop for and cook one dinner a week,etc.) and have a sit-down with her to discuss them. She probably won't like them, but you know, she's been used to being a princess for a long time, and won't want to give up her crown! :) Be firm and loving and tell her this is how it's going to be. If she doesn't comply, she has X amount of days/weeks to move out. You also might try to plan a gals night out once a week, or a morning out for coffee, or something away from the house where you two can talk and re-connect. Let her know you want to spend time with her and see how that goes. Good luck.

My 5th child just turned 24 yesterday and still has a bedroom in our house. She is rarely home (usually she comes home to do laundry or is at home if her boyfriend is working late). My husband is more irritated with this than I am because she leaves her room and bathroom quite messy. My daughter goes to school fulltime and works 2 parttime jobs. Personally, I just enjoy her company when she is around. She and I had a very difficult relationship when she was growing up. She felt neglected because I had to go back to work fulltime when she was still little. She is the 5th child out of 7 total. I am finally starting to see some signs of maturity. She is more helpful when I ask her (like picking up her sister from school, or babysitting one of my grandkids when I have to go somewhere. She, too, pays no rent but frankly I am just glad to see her every once in a while. Her boyfriend is her world and I need to realize that she has grown up and no longer needs me to be with her at all times.

Try to enjoy the time you spend with your daughter. Don't press her to give you info about what she is doing. I would be careful aboug giving her money though. You say she works and pays no rent. Let her use her own money for her needs/desires. You have just this one child. Don't do anything that will cause her to pull away completely from you. Be there for her without letting her take full advantage of you.

I will be celebrating my 35th wedding anniversary this October and have 7 kids ranging in ages from 33 to 12. I also have 7 grandkids ages 7 and under.

In todays economy living at home is a wonderful option because your child can do those things which will help her/him prepare to live on their own someday. But you need to set some rules. My children realize I have the right to comment about their life decisions as long as they are on my dime-I am paying for car, health insurance, high school or college essentials, room & board and so forth, no matter what age they are! My children are considered adults when they are independent of any financial help from mom and dad. Tell her you love having her live with you--but you are going to set up some new rules. Have her pay rent (you can save it and give it to her when she moves out if you want) and she will need to help out with chores, (assign her a few-you are not her personal slave)! Out of respect for you, she will need to let you know when she is to be expected home. If she refuses to live by YOUR rules, tell her you are sorry and that she will need to find herself a place of her own. You are not helping your daughter by catering to her and allowing HER to walk all over you. You need to help her develop into a productive member of society.

A little about me:

Married 31 years, 6 children (2 married, 2 college, 2 high school)

Hi Charlie:
You know, Our primary job as parents,is to (prepare) our children for how the real world works.In the (real world) You don't always get what you want.You certainly don't live rent free.We all know,and understand financial struggles,especially in todays society.You needn't feel guilty,about insisting on rent. You allowing your daughter,to live (rent free)is actually doing her a (disservice)Young adults, that don't have any obligations of paying or do not take paying obligations seriously,end up in that catagory of individuals in (high consumer debt)Its not teaching her responsibility about money.It is far better to prepare her for the harsh reality,of what it takes to live.You forcing her to be a responsible adult,doesn't mean you love her any less.It means you don't want to rob her of the chance to be (self sufficent.)Your daughter works,so she is well aware,of how far that money she makes will stretch.I agree,its a good strategy to charge a reasonable rent,and save it on her behalf as a nest egg.She could use it for her (big move) I wouldn't tell her I was doing that.because It will be monies she will come to (expect)Your daughter is a grown woman,so she is entitled to a certain amount of privacy.However....Since she is living under your roof,rent free or Paying, She does owe you a certain amount of respect.If you had rented out that room to a (boarder) would you allow them to stay,if they shunned you,or refused to communicate? If I wouldn't allow a stranger to treat me that way and stay in my home, I certainly wouldn't allow my own flesh and blood to.Let me add,that my son stayed with me,till he was in his 20s. He needed financial help. Years after his move,He came to me and thanked me.He said,that had I not given him that push to go venture out on his own,he would not be where he is today.He has a wonderful profession,a beautiful wife,and they just bought their first home.Charlie,I wish you the very best

If I tried that with my parents, I would have been out of the house by the evening. Your duty as her mother is to teach her how to be responsible and self-sufficient. She is not only disrespecting you, but your role as her mother. We had a rule in my parent's house, you could live at home as long as you were in college and paid for everything except the essentials. And by essentials, I mean food in the house, water and electricity, and that's about it. The longer you continue to let her live off of you, the worse adult she's going to become, and you don't want to even think of the bad choices she'll be making because she's used to depending on someone else. I hope that you will show her how to be a wonderful, responsible person who can take care of herself and respect her mother for it.