Help with a Controlling Husband

T., I have lived through all of this and after 4 years, I left with our 2 1/2 year old little girl. At first, I thought... what is wrong with me, why can I do NOTHING right. Then when the yelling was not only directed at me, but to our little girl, I knew what I had to do. My X never helped with anything, not our child, not cleaning, we did nothing as a family, EVER! He also, as your husband, didn't like the sippy cups, hated toys all over the place, wanted the house to show like it wasn't even lived in. We both worked full time, I always picked up the baby, cooked, did laundry, took full care of our daughter and it wasn't enough. I finally realized that I did not want my daughter to have a life where she thought this was Okay or NORMAL. I left and have not looked back. You need to break the cycle NOW.

I feel terrible for you. That would be tough to deal with. You are right your son does not need to see the two of you arguing. That is not good. If he will not go to counseling maybe the two of you need some time apart. OR maybe some time together. My husband and I have had our share of ups and downs. There was a time when we were arguing a lot and we went a long weekend trip together without the kids. It was the best thing we could have done. We did not argue once and we had a lot of time to talk one and one and share our feelings with each other.

Children do not get screwed up by hearing arguments. They do get screwed up by seeing an unhealthy relationship between their parents. Your husband is abusing you, and you are not apparently teaching your son that this is not okay. Your son does not have a dad or apparently a home.
I know it is hard to leave, but at least look at what's really going on to weigh your options. It seems quite likely that your husband has a medical problem, and possibly medical treatment will solve a lot of these issues. You are not doing anyone any favors by not giving him a big kick in the pants to seek the treatment he needs.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. These are often more painful than physically abusive ones..believe me, I have been in both. Bruises heal, but emotional wounds take much longer. Are you familiar with the power & control wheel? Google this and you will learn a lot. The only thing you can do at this point is work on you. Of course this does not mean anything is wrong with you- other than the fact that you are letting someone who is supposed to love you and your son cause you harm. This is affecting your child, so don't let yourself believe that it's not. If you are not able to afford counseling at this time, please contact the national domestic abuse hotline. They can put you in contact with someone who can help. You are a great woman and deserve to be treated that way! Don't worry about the future right now. Focus on what you can do for yourself and your son today. If your husband chooses not to do the same it is his loss. Please contact me if you would like someone to talk to who has been in this situation. I left my daughter's father in November of 2006 and am slowly healing more and more every day.

Hi T.,

As some of the other mothers have said just because he has not hit you yet does not mean that he won't in the future.

I myself have anger issues and it became very clear when I have my daughter. Everything bugged me and on top of that I have OCD. I can now let things get messy but at the end of the day everything has to put back in a specific place, if my husband puts it away in the wrong place I would get upset. I use to yell at him but now I just do a few calming exercises and put things where I think they should be.

Now with my anger issue... I was just going to live with it but there was one day when my daughter was extremely grumpy and not doing what I wanted and I felt like I wanted to smack her (not a spanking but across the face and she was only a year). I immediately knew that I had a problem, anger will lead to hitting/shaking and so on at some point. I also suffered from depression which did not help with my anger. I got immediate help both counseling and medication and now have things under control. My daughter is now 18 months and is enjoying having a mother how can be happy with her instead of yelling at her and my husband.

Either your husband has to get his life together (helping with your son, get help for his issues, and show you that he can be a better person). He has to want to do this, you can't make him... if he does not want to you could be in danger in the future and it is not worth risking physical or mental abuse.

I would not be worried about your son growing up without a father... right now it does not seem he has one anyway so what is the difference if you leave. Also if your husband does not help take care of your son now then more then likely he won't want to have him for the weekend if you do leave your husband. Does he know that you have thoughts of leaving?

If you can not live in your house (even if you share it with someone) and feel comfortable then there is something wrong. Everyone has pet peeves but those can live with those, anger and irritability all the time are serious issues.

K.

You are so walking on eggshells and your son will soon grow up to walking on eggshells too and then grow up and think that's how you treat other's or future wife and kids.

You've got to break the cycle NOW.

Get him help or leave him. He's mentally abusive.

"...he doesn't hit or anything like that..."

YET....please take the necessary steps to keep yourself and your son healthy, happy, and safe. Abuse doesn't need to be physical to do damage.

T. - Get out while you can!! I know this is harsh - but I have been married to a man just like this for almost 20 years. Each year I tell myself it will get better - and of course it never does. I wish I would have left years ago - I probably wouldn't have the extremely emotionally messed up 13 year old that I do now. It just breaks my heart every time he is just too 'busy' to take time for her (which has been her whole life!) And the constant yelling matches have also been something that I wish she wouldn't have had to witness. And just like you - it is always us that has to leave the house - never him.

Trust me - if your husband isn't interested in things with your son now - what makes you think that he will be 5 or 10 years from now? Save yourself the heartache!

T., my heart goes out to you and your son. I think that you are on the right track just by understanding that this is your husband's issue, and not yours. It breaks my heart to think that maybe your son will not feel loved if his dad complains about having to pick him up from daycare and not being able to get anything done with him around... or even that his toys and sippy cups are clutter. More than likely, your son identifies those things as part of him since they are his, so he may start to feel like he isn't wanted by his daddy.

You are right in believing that it is not a good environment for your son to grow up in. You obviously are a loving, caring, and giving person. If you do not believe that your husband will change, then you need to do what is best for you and your son.

Be thankful that you are wise enough to know that you and your son deserve better... many times that is half the battle!

Best of luck to you.

T.

I have a husband with OCD and your explanation of your life is how mine used to be. You MUST convince him to get help. It did wonders for my husband. If he refuses to be evaluated for OCD and helped and if he refuses to get counseling nothing will ever change. This will be your life forever. Even now, after counseling and help with his OCD, my husband is still very controlling. The difference is that now we can talk about it and I can point out when he is being unreasonable. Thanks to getting help, my kids can grow up in a normal way, where they won't get yelled at for playing with toys, making a mess, spilling milk, putting fingerprints on the wall, etc. There's a book called "the boy who couldn't stop washing" that explains OCD. It may help you to read it. Find a counselor who specializes in OCD and go see them by yourself if you have to. It does run in families so educate yourself so you can see if your son shows signs when he's older. My son also has OCD and early intervention has pretty much wiped it out in him - such a blessing.
No one should tell you what you can and can't do. If you want to work out, you should have that freedom. - It's good for you whether you need to lose weight or not. No one has the right to tell you you should only work around the house and be a mom and completely lose yourself and have no breaks. If Your husband doesn't see this and won't go to counseling your in for a life of hell - I lived it for 6 years before I told him it was counseling or divorce. We've been married for 17 years now and it is still a struggle to deal with the OCD but at least my husband is aware of his problem so we can have rational discussions to deal with it when it flares up. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all this. I truly understand the hell and I will be praying for you.

Dear T.,
Thank you for having the courage to put this out there. Your husband does not sound like a monster. Working at the family buisness can be very stressful, please keep that in mind and remember yourself to keep your patience. Medically, your complaints about him suggest that he is experiencing some mild depression, possibly from this long winter we have had here in Wisconsin. I myself have been extreamly irritable and withdrawn the past few months and experiencing an awful pain in my muscles. After seeing my doctor and listing my symptoms, she sent me down to the Lab for a simple blood test to check my Vitamin D level and, it turns out, my Vitamin D was very, very low. Although your husband may be eating well, most of our Vitamin D is absorbed by the skin through skin exposure to the sun. Considering the weather, you may want to schedule an appointment for him, as I am now on a perscribed dose of Vitamin D, and my main symptoms were irritableness and fatigue.
Now, it sounds like the two of you have a seemingly sound foot hold on your marriage. You seem to have deligated the chores around the house pretty well, and I agree that his "neat freak" behavior needs to be addressed concerning the fact that you have a child, a child has fingerprints, a child has toys. Perhaps you can do an activity with your son using paint to put his little handprints on a piece of paper with the little poem about how "My little handprints leave smudges here and there, as I grow...Have patience for my messy handprints" (I dont know the exact little poem that goes with that, but I will see if I can find it for you and send it.) Have your boy present it to his dad as a suprise gift, go out of your way to make it a special occassion of extra attention for your husband. Express that it dose'nt have to be Fathers Day to let Daddy know he is loved or some mushy crap like that... Remember your patience. After you put your child to bed, if your husband has set the project to the side, pull it out and look at it with him and express that, WOW! Our little boy IS growing up so fast. We are blessed and, remind your husband to be aware of having his patience, especially with your son.
When you find your husband "complaining about everything you do" (or dont do, in many cases) remind him that he is forgetting his patience and that he is acting selfish by not remembering to be happy and thankful for what he has. Hopefully, the two of you celebrated your wedding through Faith and in Prayer and, he may just need a little assurance in remembering that the two of you made a promise not only to each other, but also to your Lord to practice having patience with one another and to be thankful for the love that you share. Remember your Faith before you start calling it quits.
And get the Vitamin D checked! It is a likely possibility considering the winter we have had!
Best of luck!
C. M.

T.-
All I can say is do what makes YOU happy. Don't stay because of your children... my parents did that and my sisters, brother and myself knew very clearly they were not happy. In turn made us very unhappy.
If you are happy then it will rub off on your children. That is what is most important. As for the arguing, your son will know, even if you are leaving the house.
I don't know what it is like to be in your shoes, but as a counselor it sounds like your husband has a lot of underlying issues (control, respect, OCD, jealous, anal) but I must keep in mind that this is one side of the story. From what you are writing, your husband is abusive- just not physical.
I wish you luck and even if you do decide to leave, go to counseling for yourself. Help yourself to stay strong!!
R.

T., I have to say I hear you! As of today my husband stormed out of the house this morning ( had a fight about him putting my 5yr down for not wanting to go for a walk with him. He told my sons that he was pathetic) errrr..makes me mad. Anyway, I have not heard from him since it is now almost 10 at night. Not sure if he is coming home. Before we married and had kids all I ever heard was how he was going to be such a great dad. What a joke that turned out to be. As you, he will not do anything with us as a family and if he does he complains and whine that whole time. My husband on the other hand is a slob. He cannot even hang up his coats he just throws them in the bottom of the closet. He cannot put clothes in the hamper and will walk over something on the floor for days before he pick sit up (I usually pick it up but have done the test to see how long it would take him). He actually emptied that dishwasher the other day and I could not find anything. He had no idea where to put our things. I am afraid to leave the kids alone with him because he acts as if he has no idea what to do with them so I know that feeling of the thought of having to send them to him every other weekend. He also will not do counseling because of course there is nothing wrong with him. Good luck I hope all works out in the end for you. Life is to short to be unhappy!!

Hi T. - Sounds like you are feeling very sad and you need your husband to be more understanding and involved in your childs life. I can sympathize. My now ex-husband was very similar. We were in and out of counseling but things just did not get better. When I finally told him I wanted a divorce he did a complete 180 and was suddenly willing to do anything. Unfortunately I was no longer receptive to him. We eventually divorced and I think it was a wake up call for him. Once we separated he started seeing a counselor to deal with his control issues. He suddenly became so much more involved in our sons life too. I hate to say it but the divorce was probably the best thing I did for our son. He now has 2 parents that are very involved in his life and want to be with him all the time. We have shared custody and placement so we each get him part of the week and alternate weekends. Luckily my ex and I parted on very good terms and talk almost every day to stay on top of what is going on in our sons life.

I would hate to tell you to threaten divorce as a wake up call but it sounds like you are already considering it. What ever you choose to do, I wish you happiness.

Best wishes to you and your family.