Help with Advice About School Please!

Hi. try going to school with him for the day. Go to each class and sit in the back .Let him know that you will do this until he starts to improve. Talk it over with the principal and /or counselor. Good luck

You don't want a typical boy. You want a son who with a good work ethic, be it school, or job. He needs an education, and it is your job to make sure that he gets it. Nip this in the bud now. 7th grade is a dangerous time in a kid's life, a time when he wants to assert his independence, and rebel against school, parents, whatever he thinks is oppressing him. There are plenty of dangers in his world. Make sure that you know who his friends are - who he is "playing" with.
Lay down the law - the kid buckles down, and he is grounded until he does.

I would use natural consequences. The next time he gets in trouble I would tell him "you know, I've been thinking. There has to be some reason why you're getting in trouble like this at school, because you are a good kid and I know that you don't MEAN to get in trouble so much. So, I think I finally figured it out....you're not getting enough sleep. Tonight, I will move your bedtime up a half hour, and we'll see if that helps you stay out of trouble tomorrow. If it works for a few days, I will let you try your normal bedtime again, but if you get in more trouble, we'll keep moving it up until we find an amount of sleep that works the best for you." What this does is puts the ball in his court. It will be up to him if he gets to stay up until normal bedtime or not, and will let him know that him getting in trouble is going to make mom think he's not sleeping enough, and therefore will move that bedtime up again. Natural consequences work the best, and I use them all the time with great outcomes.

Good morning K.. I'm not a mom, but I was a 7th grade boy at one point in my life and I hope I can offer some insight as to what was going on with me at that age.

7th grade was a really big turning point as far as school goes. At that age, I though I "knew it all". I also did not feel challenged. I felt homework was for the kids that were having difficulties picking up the course material. Since I was doing well on tests, I did not do it. I also found out that I was running with the wrong crowd in retrospect. The friends he has may have some influence upon his actions. He also may be looking for attention.

I see you mentioned that you are in the process of a divorce. How is he handling that? Some of his actions may be associated with this event in his life.

I found that getting involved with sports and extra-curricular activities really changed the way I looked at things. Our coaches were very strict in the fact that your grades had to be good to be able to play. If you had detention or in-school suspension, you did not get to practice or play if we had a game.

Try to see what interests him and have him get involved. Looking back, I wish I would have done more to define my legacy at the school. I always admired the record boards with names still standing on them from years before I was even born. It gave me the motivation I needed.

I agree with the discipline you are giving him as a result of his actions, but more importantly, you need to figure out what is making him tick. I'd suggest talking to him and ask him what he is feeling and what is on his mind, if something bothering him. Ask if he feels challenged or needs more advanced material. I found that since things were so easy for me, I did not apply myself as I should have.

Another great thing I did in my high school career was to join ROTC. It really brought a great group of kids closer to work as a team and the discipline was great! Plus we got to do some really cool stuff like hiking, shooting, repelling, orienteering and just being outside.

I hope that made sense...

Good luck and if you would like to discuss anything else, feel free to shoot me a message.

Take care,
J.

Somewhere along the way your son has lost respect for adult leaders. You need to take control now. Is his Dad still a part of his life? Let him handle the discipline also. It is hard for a boy this age to have his Dad move out of the house.

How long are you grounding him for? Make sure it is over the weekend after he gets in trouble; when he is grounded make him work instead of sitting in his room listening to music or watching TV or video games or using computer. Have him do dishes, vacuum, clean your car. Let him know that he must straighten up or he will not get to take driver's ed and have the freedom he wants when he is in high school. If you are home, make him do his homework at the kitchen table and check it when he is done. He won't like it and you can say "well, if you would do it on your own, I wouldn't hve to supervise you like this".

If you can't get results, seek counseling. Make sure you include his Dad in it and all discipline decisions. Hopefully he will cooperate.

Is the work getting harder for him for some reason? Has he been tested for reading disabilities? Has he had his vision and hearing tested recently?

That aside, I think that focusing on getting the work done is important. When I was a teacher, the acting out did not bother me as much as not doing the work. I would send kids to ISD until they caught up on their work. I know that is not normally how it is used, but it was very effective for me. A lot of time kids go to ISD and get behind in their course work. My tact was to not let them out until they were caught up. They would catch up. If ISD cannot be used this way for you, maybe grounding can. Grounded until all of your homework is caught up, and done to the best of his ability.

Hey K.,

I am SO under-qualified to offer advice, but I just want to encourage you in what you are going through. From an outsider's point of view, (and after listening to many friends have the same situation) it is easy to see that your son is affected by the separation. He probably needs someone (a professional or pastor) to talk to about it.

Also, I noticed you were doing a good thing by trying to keep the family involved with him and his birthday. I hope they will join you in trying to support your children during this time, but, if it is too soon for them, you have at least put it out there and set the precedent that you want them to remain involved. If not this year, maybe next year will be better after time has healed some wounds. Bless you, sister!

I would suggest counseling since there is a divorce in the works. Sometimes it helps to have someone else involved so you don't be come the heavy. Also the book Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax is a good book to read about boys. It's in the library or buy it from a book site with the best price.
Also How to have a good kid by Friday. The title could be off but it is in christian book stores.

Definitely conference with your son's teachers, counselor at school and let them know the home situation of your separtation-- it is most likely the root cause of your son's behavior. Ask for referral/suggestion of a good family counselor for all of you. Most of all tell your son that you love him and work very hard with your soon-to-be ex never to use the children as a means to hurt each other. Divorce is hard on children regardless of how old you are when your parents divorce (I was 40 when my parents divorced several years ago and I still am not on good terms with them).

I agree with the counseling suggestion. I got my boys in counseling when my exhusband and I were going through our divorce, and it was invaluable to my boys. They are so much better adjusted because of it.

As far as school, I'll tell you what I did with my 12 yr old son. Last year we struggled with him terribly. He was getting D's and C's when he is an A-B student... and it was all because he was either not doing his work, or losing it, or just forgetting to turn it in. In my opinion, there is just no excuse for that. Every day I would call his teacher and ask if his work was turned in that day, and I would make sure I knew what his assignments were for homework. I would make sure he sat at the dining room table and did his homework right in front of me. If he teacher told me he had any missing assignments that day, there would be consequences at home. However, even with these measures, we were still having missing and late assignments. This year, in 6th grade, I told my son right from the beginning... if he had ONE late or missing assignment, I would be going to school with him every day. I would sit with him in his classroom and make sure that he was doing what he was supposed to and turning in his assignments. I told him "Won't your friends think you're the coolest kid having his mommy sit next to him in school every day?!" Let me tell you, that worked! He is now getting A's and B's again. I see that you don't have any babies or toddlers at home, and you're a stay at home mom... so you have the perfect situation at home to follow through with this kind of consequence. Good luck!

K.,
Your son is probably rebelling because you and your husband are getting divorced.Many kids do this and it is not unusual at all. Your son needs to know that the divorce is not in any way his fault and that both of his parents love him very much. He also needs to know that his not doing his school work is only hurting him and he needs to get it together and do it properly before he goes running out side to play. Both parents need to sit down and talk to him about this.

Hello,
Did this behavior start after your separation? Maybe this is his way of coping with the divorce and he is acting out to get attention. He could be struggling with his emotions on this topic and may be having trouble expressing his feelings to you. Maybe you should consider counseling for him if nothing else is working. Good Luck, T.

Your son's most important job right now is to be a student.
I would recommend that you contact his teachers and have them notify you when he is not doing his work or is disrupting the class.
Every day that he does this his privileges (games, TV, computer time, having friends over, etc.) should be suspended.
This shoulc be done until he gets the idea that school comes first.
DO NOT let him "guilt" you into allowing privileges because you are getting divorced.
AND, I wouldn't be inviting anyone over for his birthday either.
Just have a small celebration at home.
He is old enough to accept these consequences of his behavior and it is time for him to"strsighten up and fly right" so to speak!

Some good and varied suggestions here. Here's a few more (I used to teach middle school).
Have you tried just sitting down and talking to him about it to see what his take is? The more you communicate with him about anything and everything, the easier it will be to help him in any way.

After talking to him it may be clear how to help him. I fnot, he's old enough that you can strike a deal. It can reward-based (he gets something for doing his homework and behaving in school) or punitive (he's punished for mis-behaving or he starts with all privledges gone until he can behave). If you reward expected behavior (doing homework and being good) you may have some trouble getting him to do it without a reward which in effect lowers expectations (never a good thing). Then again, such a reward system may be what he needs to replace existing behavior with new more-desireable behavior and is consequently worth it in the long run. Many kids once they get on the right track get enough satisfaction from that alone that they don't realize when the rewards are removed. You know your son best so use that to help you figure out which method might be best for him.

If he's close with his sister, she may have some ideas too. Since she's a bit older than him, has she been protective of him? If so, she may be interested in helping you help him.

In short, think about what brings your son joy (which can be hard to figure out at that age sometimes) and use that to help him improve his school behavior and work. Hopefully this isn't something expensive (I'm not suggesting buying him things but maybe extending time to do what he likes- more weekend time to skateboard or watch TV) and maybe even something you can do with him (like go hiking or see a movie together).

HTH-
J.

K. - please don't take this the wrong way but have you ever asked him whats going on? You said that you are in the process of going through a divorce, do you think that could be the problem? I have a 5th grader who has already been held back and we are going through the same issues with school not to that extreme but he is doing very poorly. I have to stay on him. You have to stand your ground. My husband travels for his work so its only me. Your lucky because you are a stay at home mom and your other child is older. I find that if Im on them and take things that they like away they wake up!! I have taken the TV out of the room, playstation he is no longer aloud to play. I have also contacted the school to get some advice from them as well as a tutor that is through the school. BE FIRM AND STAND YOUR GROUND. He may not like it or give you more lip but it the long run I think it will work or even have his dad talk to him.

Hope this helps.

Has he had testing for learning disabilities other than ADHD? If not,consider testing for these. If it started since the seperation,t hen definitely counseling for him. I also like the idea of following him in school.
R.

I would think about when all of this started. If his behavior problems started about the time you were separated, you may have found the reason. Also, do the teachers at school know that you are separated? I would hope they would have some compassion for your son if that is the case. Finally, you might consider counseling for your son. If you aren't comfortable with a psychologist or school counselor, perhaps your minister/preacher/priest could be someone for him to talk with.

There are a lot of good information here but one I did not see. Children who are rather smart tend to get bored and this is the results.

I really think the big thing you need to do is to talk to your child get him to talk to you. You say you are separated. Has Dad been seeing him alot through this? Just some thoughts. Perhaps he is trying to get someones attention. He has yours.... As I said just some thoughts

I believe your son is reacting to your separation. He is at the tender time of school time, and junior high seems to be a difficult transition for kids in general, and when their homelife is disrupted, I believe they might act out. I hope you have told the school that you are separated from your husband. Perhaps there is someone your son can talk to with some level of privacy, and get it sorted out. Explain to him that your marital problems are not because of your children and let him know that you feel that both of your children are beautiful. It's hard on kids when their parents split up. I'm sorry you all have to suffer this heartbreak.
a grandmother of only one, a mother of only one,

K.,
I read your other post regarding your personal life, so I would have to assume that he is reacting to the stress going on in his life. He sounds like he needs professional counselling. Losing his father to divorce is no small thing to a boy. Please try to see this from his perspective and get him the help he needs.
Good luck, and I am sorry for the loss you are experiencing.
C.

I don't know what to tell you. Sometimes it's hard to get kids to think of school or school work as important, especially if they aren't "good" at it. It's very likely what you said - that he just doesn't want to take the time to do it, and would rather do other things first.

Not to trivialize or over-minize it, but it sounds like the issues I've had with my oldest when we were trying to get her potty-trained, and she really just did not want to take the time to do go to the bathroom and do the deed(s). SO - our rule was "Potty first" with everything: You want to play outside - potty first. You want a drink now, potty first. Oh - you want to watch one of your shows - Potty first.

When I was in school, I never wanted to do homework either, but I knew it was "expected" of me to manage my time well enough to get it done before bedtime. My mother would ask me when I got home from school if I had homework, and then before dinner, and right after dinner, but it wasn't harping really - it was in the tone of "you know I expect you to get it done and don't disappoint me" tone.

Maybe with your son - it can be "You can play the video games all you want as long as you get your homework done and I can review it."

Good luck!