Help with Almost 4 Year Old Refusing to Go Poop in the Potty..

I have to laugh because I too went through the same thing. He would go get me a diaper to put on him when he had to poop. I let him get away with this for a month or so, but would talk to him each time about going in the potty. Then I would count down how many diapers we had until he HAD to use the potty. I would then put him on the potty when he asked for a diaper and keep telling him that he could do it and he would feel so much better when he was done. I would just repeat that over and over and then when he did it he was like "wow you're right mommy- I can do it". It did take a good month or so of doing this before he stopped asking for a diaper even though he knew he wasn't going to get one. It was definitely a process for us, but it worked well with easing his fears one at a time. good luck

C. (and all who have responded) -
Thank you so much for posting! I am in exact situation with my 3 year 10 month old girl. We potty trained in May - pretty much over a weekend. She pooped on the potty then. After a week or so she started asking for the pull-up to poop. She has always had some 'pooping issues' (not going enough, hurting, etc) - so we did not want to cause OTHER issues in this area. So we gave her the pull-up. This was not without some 'tough love' and tears - but we did give in... I must admit.

So - here we are in late October - still giving the pull-up. We have discussed, we have tried PRESSING the issue, we have the bribe in the living room - front and center and what SHE chose (police cars), etc etc. We are now at least having her IN the bathroom in her pull-up for pooping. My next thought is to have her SIT on the potty (big or little), so that she can get the hang of the muscles needed to poop sitting down (she has ALWAYS pooped in a standing up position). Someone suggested this to me - and then to possibly CUT the pull-up away - until it is GONE - with each attempt... When she is peeing, we make a game of her 'trying to boop' at the same time (aka FARTING) - so she can get the 'action' required... I am also thinking of trying what someone recommended to 'spike' her food a little to FORCE the poops. Through all of this, I am concerned about making too big a deal of it - and causing constipation and bigger issues than THIS... I am hoping she will surprise herself one of these days - and it will all be over.

Keep in touch and let me know how you get it solved. And someday we will look back at all this fondly, right? Or maybe not fondly... :-)

-M.

HI C.,
I feel your frustrations...we just went through the same thing. My son will be 4 late November He has been going pee on the toilet since last spring but would ask for a diaper to poop and we use pull ups at night still. Then one day dad put him on the toilet and MAGIC. We of course made a big deal with cheering and clapping. This was only about a months ago. Hang in there it will happen. Is he in school? I think that is what helped my son. Just seeing the other kids use the bathroom. Best of luck. D.

Hi C.,
I had the same exact problem with my daughter..she would only use a pull-up to poop...so what I did was I stopped buying them...as long as she knew I had them in the house she would go and get one herself and put it on....and when we were running low she would tell me that I needed to buy more...so one day my husband and I stood our ground...after the last pull-up was used we said we werent buying anymore....she gave us a problem for about 2 days....then she was fine....has been going on the potty ever since....now when we go to the store and she sees the pullups she will say I dont use those any more because Im a big girl!! Its a struggle but if you just stand your ground you will win!!
Meg

I had the same experience with a 4 year old boy many years ago....he's in his 30's now.

I realized instead of continuing a power struggle with him at age 4...I had to change my behavior to get him to change his. So I made sure he was able to reach his underwear, clean-ups, and a box of diapers and told him it was his choice to go potty or clean up and change himself. He would come to me with everything needed to clean him and change him....and each time I reminded him he had to do this himself. I ignored his fuss...He didn't like it but did manage the chore himself....and when he got done, each time I told him how wonderful he was and how much I loved him and gave him hugs. I wanted him to learn that his choice was respected and that learning how to take care of himself was a good thing. Several weeks later, he got tired of the process and I guess he decided going to the potty was easier for him. He then started coming to me saying he went to potty and I should come see....each time, I told him how wonderful he was and how much I loved him and gave him hugs. Several weeks later while cleaning up his room together with him, I held up the box of diapers and asked him if he still needed these....he said No, out they go.

I tend to think all the stages children go through is a learning lession for them and they need to be ready to move on themselves as we do as adults. Even when we make the wrong decision, there's much to learn from it. I tend to think the bottom line is all the power struggles we get into prolongs the process of moving on in the right direction.

Many children are afraid of 'losing' part of themselves, either from BMs or haircuts. (Another reason to train the child BEFORE he can talk) It sounds like he is afraid of the plop when the bm comes out. Show him some nasty food that you have allowed to go bad and explain how it stinks and will make him sick, so it has to be thrown away. Then tell him that his bm also stinks so people can tell it is bad and has to be thrown away. Perhaps he is afraid he will fall in the toilet and get flushed.If so, show him that big things cant get flushed by putting a ball in there and flushing and tell him that he will not fall down the hole since he is bigger than the ball.
He is certainly old enough to understand these explanations and if he still refuses, I would think it is a power struggle and simply make him sit.

Hi C.,

When my son was potty trained, at first he refused to go poop in the potty as well, asking for a diaper instead. Like your son, he cried if we tried to force the issue and have him go in the potty, saying he was scared. Then one day, I think it was a couple of months later, he went in the potty, and that was the end of the diapers.

So my opinion is that your son will do the same thing, and eventually will go poop in the potty on his own. This being said, you don't say how long this behavior has been going on. If it's been a long time (say he was trained 6 months ago or more), you may choose to force the issue a little bit, but I think one way or another he'll end up doing it all in the potty.

K.

C.,

Your son has some fear of pooping that you need to help him overcome. I had serious poop issues with my daughter when she was potty training and it was getting worse becuase when we were out she would start holding it longer and longer until we were home and she could go in a pull up. The first thing we did was get rid of all the diapers and pull ups so they were gone from the house. (Might be harder since you are night time training still) The second thing is supplement his diet with extra fiber foods so you know his stool is soft and will pass easily. Lastly, when I knew my daughter had to go we went straight to the bath. I would have her sit in a warm bath that went up and over her tummy for 15 min. Then we would try sitting on the potty. (It even helps to put some vaseline on their bum. She would cry and resist so I'd put her back in the bath. We did this for about an hour. Finally I put her on the potty and it just came out. She was still upset that first time but the next day it was easier. In a few days she was going completely on her own and we never turned back....I hope this helps - feel free to write back if you have questions.

Do not put him in a diaper! Get rid of them, like out of the house. He will get the idea. As long as you keep putting him in a diaper he will continue the potty fight.
You just have to go cold turkey. Good luck.

I had the same problem with my son. He would wear underware all day & night with no accidents, but when he had to poop, he would ask for a diaper. I even tried letting him poop in his undies, hoping the disgusting feeling would encourage him to go on the potty. didn't work. eventually I decided it wasn't worth the emotional stress on him & me to fight everytime he had to poop. so I allowed him to go in the diaper. Everytime he had to go, I would always ask first if he wanted to go on the potty, even take him in the bathroom just to give him the opportunity- but not pressure him to do it. If he chose the diaper, I let him have it. It took about 6 months, but finally one day he sat on the potty, and that was the end of the diapers. (and he was pretty close to his 4th birthday when he finally did it) I know that while you are struggling, it seems like there is no end in site. But I promise, at some point, he will learn. Some kids are just more sensitive in that area and take a little longer. The hardest part was ignoring the critics who thought I should force him.
A side note, one of the reasons I decided to let him wear diapers was because of the experiences of some friends children that happened shortly before we started potty training. In both cases, the children would not poop on the potty and would hold it in. Obviously this led to constipation. The one child had to get medical help to relieve the constipation. The other, the parents gave in & gave a diaper, but ended up taking him to a psychiatrist, who basically told the parents to let him go at his own pace.
Good luck!!

He's almost 4 and knows how to use the bathroom. At this point you've made it an option on whether he uses the toilet or not and that's unacceptable.

Stop the diapers now. Just tell him that you're sorry but now that he's grown so big they don't make diapers in his size any more. Make sure you have a waterproof cover on his mattress in case of an accident. Be very matter of fact about it and don't look back. If he has an accident have him assist in cleaning up and keep moving forward. Stop turning it into a power struggle where he wins when he whines. Will it be easy? Nope but after a short time I'm sure he'll figure it out.

Well, at least you have company. My son is 3 (4 in Feb) and we have been working toward potty training for well over a year. I started when I was pregnant and now have a 9 month old daughter. My son is very inconsistent--some days he will poop in the potty and some days he won't. I haven't exactly solved this problem with our son but I did read a suggestion to have him sit on the potty in a diaper and then eventually cut a hole in it so the poop goes in the potty. Anyway, good luck.

Hi C.,
I say compromise for now. Tell him that you'll diaper him for pooping provided that he sits on the toilet in diaper to poop. It can be pants on or pants off with the diaper, but let him get comfortable with the toilet while having the security of the diaper. If he does it with his pants on, then graduate to diaper only/no pants and then once he's more comfortable, just lose the diaper altogether. At almost 4, I'd go for the toilet, why have more transitions than you need, four year olds are past the point of the potty.

I know this might sound crazy but it worked with my twins. I bought them colored toilet paper (pink and blue) in Stop and Shop and gave them each their own roll. My son loved that he had his own roll of blue tp to use when he went poop in the potty. We also would listen for the "plop". Gross, I know but it worked! Try the toilet paper first and make a big deal about it but he can only use it when he goes on the potty. Good luck!

he will get the hand of it..just dont put him in school until next year ....it is harder to get the poop srage down when toilet training