Help with Autistic 3 Year Old

I have two friends with autistic boys and they have read a book written by the actress Jenny McCarthy. They loved it and highly recommended it. They also talked about having strict gluten-free diets for their guys. But above all they were sticklers about routine as this is huge for their improvement. Good luck.

Hi M.,

First I would like to express my condolences to both you and your husband. I in no way mean to imply that your son is not a blessing but i know the stress can really take it's toll on a person. I am the mom of a bi polar son and a son with aspergers/dyslexia and a few others. Although the latter son appears normal (as does my other son when stable)he certainly has his issues, so, i am very much aware of how hard it can be.
I would suggest that you ask your son's teachers who I would guess can tell you how to handle the situation. I know from my son that quite often w/autistic kids they will lose it when they get home because it is their comfort zone and the time they spent away from home is filled with little triggers that build up over the course of a day.
I also know that they need their down time and especially love hiding in "tents" ie under a blanket etc, where it is dark and quiet and they feel safe.
If your son's teachers have any helpful advice, please pass it my way. My son is 12 and for the most part has learned to cope but still has melt downs and needs his down time. As for the other mom's advice, I ask that she forgive me, but she is wrong. Your son can behave in school because he is surrounded by people that know how to diffuse a situation with an autistic child. Your child is not acting out he is simply autistic. He cannot be handled as you would any "normal" child.

Good luck!
B.

Your son has two environments to contend with, the school and home. Autistic children have hard enough trouble dealing with one. Therefore when he has been at one all day then changes to another it will definitely cause him to have behavior problems. It is his way of saying "This is too much for me."
Give it time. While he gets used to having two environments be extra patient with him. Keep him on a tight routine at home. That is a comfort to him. When he begins having a behavior issue immediately try to find out what is upsetting him. He may not be able to tell you. Look around. Is something out of place, did you say something in a different tone, is there too much stimulation going on around him such as TV and radio, etc. Then remedy the problem and find out what it is that comforts your son. Is it being in a room alone, does he like swinging (if he does and you dont have a swing at home then wrap him tightly in a blanket and swing him gently with your hands), does music soothe him, etc.
My daughter didn't like me giving her a sippy cup when she was thirsty. I had to set it on the floor and walk away. I couldn't watch her pick it up or she would scream. It sounds ridiculous but I found that if I followed her cues then she was happy, which meant we were too.
One more thing, before your son transitions to another environment such as home to school and school to home, about an hour before the transition repeatedly tell him what is about to happen. The teacher would have to be willing to do that too. It really helps!
If you have any more questions feel free to ask. My autistic daughter is 11 now and I am still finding out what makes her world upset and what soothes her. It seems to change as she gets older. Although she is my third of four children I have often said that I feel like a first time mom with her. It's a whole different world with them. God Bless~

My 4 yr old daughter has a neurological tic disorder and sensory issues. She is the same way, does great at school and falls apart as soon as she gets in the car. They work so hard to hold it together at school and as soon as they are in a safe place all of the stress of the day comes spilling (or sometimes raging) out. You are right it is very disruptive and consumes a disproportionate amount of time and energy. I often feel that my other children (6 and 3)are neglected.

My dd is in occupational therapy and our therapist has helped us come up with some strategies that help. For instance I always bring something for her to eat in the car when I pick her up from school, somwthing that is calming to her (yogurt or applesauce through a straw, a very cold drink or something crunchy). She also has a backpack with her own CD player and calming music that she can take with her anywhere. If your son isn't in OT I would highly recommend it, they are a wealth of information and strategies.

The other and hardest thing that I have learned is not to get emotionally engaged with the tantruming. Instead of setting limits and enforcing consequences when she is in this mode I take her to a quiet place (usually kicking and screaming) and let her get it out. Sometimes I leave so as not to get engaged in a struggle and then return quietly and offer to hold her. I know that it is over when she is ready to be held. This doesn't stop the episode (but nothing seems to once it starts)but it does protect the other children in the house, decrease the disruption and it usually plays out much more quickly. I try really hard to remember that for her it is an issue of brain chemistry and not an act of behavior. I have also seen that as she develops her verbal skills and is able to verbalize the triggers (i.e. too many people on a doorstep at Halloween, or a conflict with a particular person at school) the episodes are decreasing. I know that although she may always have issues she will mature and be able to develop strategies to cope.

It is a daily struggle and exhausting at times especially when there are other children to be taken care of or if you are especially tired, hungry, or stressed (not to mention pregnant). It will get easier as all of your children get older. Hang in there, it is a long but rewarding journey. Feel free to contact me if you want more ideas or just support. ____@____.com

p.s. My 3 1/2 yr old son who is perfectly typical and capable is also struggling with potty training. Don't worry, it will come.

Hi, i too am a mother of three w/ my oldest being autistic.
I don't know hardly where to begin. Does your son have sensory and/or communication "issues"? If at all possible additonal speech and occupatonal therapy are a life saver!!!!For him and your family. Also, schedule and routine are essential for autistic kids. They need to know what to expect and boundaries (which like any other kid they will try to push) Also a lot of people have success w/ altering the childs diet - soy is a trigger for behavior problems w/ my child and yellow dye and sugar are horrible triggers to many problems. Try organics and no sugar added products.
W/out knowing your childs abilities its hard to suggest anything. We have gotten the greatest success w/ Lifewave patches we put on our son. They are a natural homeopathic product that pull toxins out of his body and another helps restore ph balance to his system. www.lifewave.com/redneck y-age patches. they have a team of doctors that will help. Since starting the patches about a year ago he has come from speaking about 75 words, and major frustration issues to now he has calmed down tremendously and now he is speaking in sentences, asking questions and has a vocabulary of well over 250 words. He is now seven (diagnosed @ 2) and this was the first year he could say "Trick or Treat". I can't tell you how thrilling that was for us. If you have more questions, or need to vent you can contact me ____@____.com

If he is behaving at the preschool and a terror at home, I would think that the structure he is receiving at the preschool is more "comfortable" for him and he needs the same or similar structure at home. Perhaps the school can assist you with developing structure at home or a psychologist trained with preschool aged autistic children definitely could do that. I live in Charlotte NC and I can recommend locals for you-- not sure where you live.

Mel

You need help beyond what you're going to get from this website, although this can help too. Take the advice you get here, but also go see a child clinical psychologist who can help you get your family on track. You also need to find a support group of other families dealing with this same thing. Perhaps you can find out about one at the daycare you use, or through doctors. You aren't the first family to go through this, and there is help out there, but you have a situation that is beyond the "everyday, ordinary" and you need some specialized help to deal with it. GOOD LUCK!

Hi M.. I taught in a Special needs preschool program for several years and worked with many children with autism. I would suggest making a picture schedule for him if you do not already have one in place. Talk with his teachers and find out what they do at school -- the more consistency the better for him. Also look for a support group where you can meet other parents, share ideas, and just vent without having to feel guilty --- they are going through the same things you are or have already gone through similar issues and may be able to offer some wonderful ideas. If you are really desperate for a break you may wish to look into organizations that provide respite nights/weekends for families with children with special needs. This way if you just really need a break they will provide care for a night or weekend and you and the rest of the family can take a break.
I hope some of this was helpful. Just remember above all he is still a 3 year old little boy and they all pitch tantrums and need their mommies -- mine included! Good Luck!

Okay, I don't know much about autism, but just in general kids who are well behaved at school come home and "unwind". Typically, they know mom loves them even at their worst. It may be that he is just coming down from being so good at school. You might find out if there is a certain structure and routine at school that sets him up for success in his behavior. Also, boys take longer to potty train and if he has lots of new things going on (school and a baby on the way) those can delay potty training. He may train and then revert when the baby comes, again that is with any child. With my son who is 3 1/2, we read potty training books and encouraged potty time, but did not force it. We also allowed naked time. Good luck!

Hi Micelle,

My aunt has an a child with austism. She has always been consistent. Your son will hae out burst for the rest of his life. Your family will learn how to deal with it and grow closer. The first thing you have to do is, Stop worring about what every one else thinks. People are going to look at you and question your parenting because either they do not know or do not understand. This is not going to be an easy task but through you'll love and commetment, it will go smoother. There are all kinds of government help out there for him !! GET IT! My cousin is 19 and he gets speech help and a behavioral anylasy's come to there house and works will them. The main key is to treat him like a so called "normal" child. Teach him the same things you would your other children. My cousin puts dishes away, helps with laundry and other house chores. If you ever want some advice, I can maybe get you'll together. Good Luck and God Bless.

R.

M.,I have a 9 year old son that has been diganosed autism for about 5 1/2years now beleave me autism is a full time job.about three years ago our son had to have medication so he could sleep and still has to have medication to sleep about a year ago maybe a little longer he went on adhd medication also because he is agressive he still is in pull ups because he wont potty train.I spoke to a friend who knows a 16 year old thats autistic still in pull ups so it didnt give me much hope for that problem.my friend has two autistic children one ashbergers syndrome a high funtioning autism and one seveare like my son.my son is trying to get a appointment with a psychitrist to make sure hes on the right meds...I have three children and thank god my son was my last since he takes most of our time and his sisters help with his care.there isnt many places that help eather with the things they need you canpossably get help from family services to help with daycare so you can have a break or behavural health for respet but in our area thats hard to find someone to watch him that we trust because hes non verbal.god bless you and remember god will never put more on us then we can handle.youve been blessed with a special needs child god must have plans for you and your son GOD DONT MAKE NO JUNK.

hi M.,

I too found out that the child we adopted was autistic when he was about 3. We have gone through the incredible nuerological storms on a daily basis. I found that decreasing as much sensory input as you can will help.
we use weighted pillows on his lap to help calm him down. You will learn the signals prior to the sensory overload and then you can help him through it. I also found that James was easier to settle if he was in a high chair [our kids like small spaces] until it passed then he would play or watch Barney. Barney saved my life it was his first perseveration then came screws [when my husband went to paint our walls he found that all the screws were gone from the switch plates] and then small pieces of ripped paper under things.

He is now 11, for the last 5 years we have used a picture schedule with his daily routine on it. I made it with velcro and poster board by attaching velcro to the poster board and to 3x5 cards, then I wrote anything pretaining to his life on 3x5 cards, some examples are, brush teeth, breakfast, leave for school bus, this enabled him to help with the schedule as it changes from hour to hour and day to day. There is also preview and review this is where you give him at least a half hour heads up for a transition, then after an activity we review his success. We also use a zigzag card on the schedule this is when an unexpected event is added such as a doctors appointment exc. I have cards for every possible thing that can be a part of our daily lives. we have also used re-enforcers for success an example is, James dollars [made from toy money] he earns them for successful moments of any kind you decide what it is worth. This has really worked for us. He earns a treat at $50, $100 and so on he can choose to save them for larger trade ins. you choose something Ian really likes and he works toward the goal with the dollars.

We go to a movement therapist once a week this is an hour of intense sensory intergration designed to meet his needs.

Our kids process language differently the use of less language is helpful, for example, instead of" please go brush your teeth," say "brush teeth", "dinner now", "find chair" using the least amount of words as possible, Remember that our children are very visual so use carolgrey's pic syms all over your house. It creates a wonderful way to communicate with Ian.

Remember that if he holds it together at pre-school he will likely let go at home, do not try to engage in any discapline. just keep him and others safe,

Vermont provides a mental heatlh service for parents. Check to see if they are available where you are. We have repite providers through the local mental health agency it is paid for by medicaid. James gets 20 hours a week. I hire the person, usually someone I already know. They help with the childs learning needs [I have them concentrate on soical skills learning] and it gives you and your family a breather.

Connect with your local schools special educators. They have an amazing amount of information for you. James did not talk we taught him to talk. I teach kids that are autistic at the high school level, the amazing things that I see happening with our kids just makes me aware of how wonderful our children are. your child's brain is wired differently but he is capable of many things the route to this learning just different.

Another helpful tool are Carol Grey's social stories. She has a web site carolgrey.org she gives instructions on how to make your own books or you can purchase them. Also, go to the Autism.org online pages, there is a wealth of information and places to seek support.

Do not worry about potty training James was 4.5 before he was train. This could be a re-enforcer activity.

James is the oldest of the 3 boys [ages 7,9, and 11],it is a daunting task to have a job, 3 children under 4 and home to manage. Even with support you are still the Mom. Interestingly, my husband is a minister and I work outside of the house [his office is at home].

I have 9 children ages 7-35 and we five adopted, the 3 little boys were finalized 5 years ago after a long and involved foster parenting trek. Keep the faith that you can do this. Remember that others do not understand your child feel free to help others understand him. I have spoken in airports and other places to help others have a clearer picture of what is happening with my child. It helped them to be more comfortable and it helped James too.

You can even buy business size cards explaining that your child is autistic to help folks with understanding him.

Please feel free to contact me. ____@____.com

God Bless

It may have something to do with the products in your home. I know this sounds crazy but it's true. I can show you how to remove the chemicals from your home at wholesale cost.

Hey, you never know...maybe that's what will make a big difference for ya. I also have great testimonials from other parents of autistic children who have switched what they use to clean and bathe in their homes, with great results!! I can send them to you if you would like!

Please take a thorough look at www.feingold.org. Feingold is a 30yr old non-profit organization whose purpose is to inform the public about petroleum-based artificial ingredients in our food supply. These additives cause ADD, ADHD, OCD and many other emotional, behavioral and physical side effects. Feingold is a leading authority on nutrition and they also have much info on Autism and how the diet can help. It will be well worth your time. Best wishes.

Hi M.,

I went to a conference for parents with autistic children a few weeks ago and they had some great information. My children don't actually have autism, but I was there as a performer and I found it all very interesting. One of the big things they mentioned is being aware of giving your children dairy products and food with gluten. These were the 2 biggest things mentioned as far as food is concerned. The keynote speaker (who has a son with autism) spoke about how children with autism usually have a lot of stomach problems and these foods (dairy and gluten) trigger these problems which in turn triggers their disruptive behavior. They also talked about how autism could be caused by the required vaccines that our children get. Then one other thing I remember is that they talked quite a bit about Dan Doctors (these are doctors that specialize in autism and want to help parents go the natural and healthy route rather than so much medication). I hope this helps and if you need any further information, I can get you the names and numbers of those that ran the conference. Hang in there and I pray that things get better.

Hi M.,
At school your son may work hard at following all the rules, learning, and dealing with other children. At home, he just lets loose and cannot control himself any longer. Providing him with an outlet may help. such as, going outside or in his room and being alone, running laps around the house, jumping on a mini trampoline. You may need to try a few things to see what works. I would not recommend tv, since it is so visually and auditorily stimulating. He may be worse you go to turn the tv off.

If this is not it, it may be the loss of structure at home vs. school. Providing structure may be helpful to him, such as the same schedule of events everyday after school.

Hope this helps,
L.

I know NOTHING about autism but what you describe sounds like he may be tired...overtired. When a child is tired they are a terror and when they are overtired, they cannot sleep. Is he napping at school? If he is not getting at least an hour, preferably 1 1/2 hours, you may want to lay him down as soon as he gets home for an hour. He also may just be excited-overstimulated. You may try some calming sort of play once he gets home. Maybe soft music in the background and coloring? Maybe playdough? Maybe blocks? You might even just come home and read to him. Maybe a warm bath before bed?

Again, I know nothing of autism but I do have two kids and these things work well with them.

W.

I live by John Rosemond's wisdom. His newspaper column is also on his website at www.rosemond.com. He has tons of practical ideas in his book Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. Most of it would still apply to your son, even though he's three. If he's capable of behaving at school, he's also capable of it at home; it sounds like you need a new approach, which John gives. He is all about being a leader to the children.

Also, the book Toilet Training in Less Than a Day worked on our (normal) 27-month old, and that was nearly a year ago, and it was done in less than a day. You can find it on amazon.

Mother warriors by Jenny McCarthy has tons of info and resources and referrals in it. I bought the audio and listened to it on my ipod and in the car. Hope that helps.

Hi, you didn't mention whether or not your son had any therapy. That is what I would suggest. It sounds as if he would benefit from a sensory diet, which has nothing to do with nutrition and everything to do with his central nervous system. It is a specially planned set of activities that he will participate in throughout the day to give his sensory system the right amount of stimulation (not to over stimulate which could be a problem) and to regulate the "information" he receives from the environment. Many Autistic children have difficulty with processing information received from the environment and this causes their nervous systems to become overloaded and then "behaviors" often occur.
He would need an assessment from a trained therapist.
There are websites that describe the therapy as well as sensory diets and what deep pressure touch techniques are used, but an accurate assessment is needed, in order to adapt the technique to the individual child. Transitions from one situation to another are often overwhelming to an autistic child and therefore you see the behaviors at those times.
At night a technique that does work is to wrap him up in a blanket and to rock him gently, but again without knowing what his specific sensory profile looks like and what factors are causing the behaviors, I don't feel comfortable giving specific ideas (I am an Occupational therapist)
Do please get as much help as you possibly can!

I would suggest going to your pediatrician and asking for an order for Occupational Therapy. An OT can do many things for your son and for your family...they can help you understand what he's feeling, how his brain works differently than yours, and most importantly how to deal with the behavior that accompanies Autism. They can help put you in the driver's seat instead of being the passenger.

There are many great resources across the country. I'm not sure about your area...but we have 2 in ours. Autism programs are generally accompanied by some sort of therapy...PT, OT, Speech. Most pediatricians have that info or at least can point you in the right direction. Look into that...I really think it would help bring some peace to your home.

Before jumping into Gluten-free diets (which is a HUGE commitment!) make sure you have plenty of info on it from a professional that specializes in Autism. I would also recommend steering clear of information that boasts of a "cure" for Autism...as of yet there is not a medical cure....but that doesn't mean that you can't improve how Ian is. He can still be everything you've ever hoped he'd be...your approach just needs to be a bit more focused.

Ian will have trouble with transitions and changes in routine...so be sure to give him extra time to adjust. Verbally tell him what's happening next before you do it. You can also try using a visual timer...where it goes from red to white when it's time for something new. He will also have a hard time with social situations. Children with autism have lots of trouble with the "give and take" of social interaction and are unable to interpret non-verbal communication such as facial expressions or gestures. He will also need firm boundaries with rigid follow-through. The worst thing you could do for him is to not follow-through with something that you threaten. This will only encourage the tantrums. Be sure directions are simple...and consequences are simple too.

You might try reading the book "Eating an Artichoke" by Echo Fling. It is written by a mom of a child with Asperger's (which is a version of Autism) and she is very insightful and gives lots of great ideas for ways to help you deal. It was a great read....I really got a lot out of it.

I know I threw a lot at you...so take a deep breath. YOU CAN DO THIS! And look into OT to help you get going. Most insurance will pay for it...and it will most definately make things not seem so hopeless for you.

Good luck and you can always email me if you need more help!
____@____.com