Help with Lying 10 Yr Old Daughter

Hi D., sounds like a social issue, children don't want to disapoint their parents, and girls tend to lie quite a bit, my 8 yr old daughter has karate right after school, I always meet her and stay for the class, this day she said she was sick and could wanted to go home, I knew she was not sick, so pressed for an answer, her girl friend told her she could see down her top when she bent over, not true, but that was it she could not do karate with this shirt on, we live close so went home to change, not because the shirt was inappropriate, but because she believed it was, knowing, I know when she is lieing, she lie's less, but I used to say, do you know when a teen-age girl is lieing, when their mouth is open. Mother of 4 daughters, 3 grandchildren, good luck to you, B.

We recently had to deal with some big time lyes that our 7 yr old was telling the teacher at her school.
All I can do is tell you what we did. It seems to have worked for us...

Grounding wasn't an option since she really doesn't go anywhere and we don't have a tv so she couldn't have that taken away.
As a family tradition we have what we call "family night sleep" Friday nights we pull the kids matress in our room and all camp out and tell stories about when hubby and I were kids or just make up stories in a story go round fashion. Then on saturday nights we go to MCDonalds for dinner and the kids play on the play structure.
WELL... Her punishment was that she had to write a scripture 5 times DAILY for a week. (We used LEV. 19:11-12) One that pertains to lying. PLUS she had to go to bed right after dinner for a week. BED, lights out... PLUS no family night sleep or MCDonalds night for that week. AND she had to write an appology note to her teacher. (which we asked her teacher to sign and send back.)
Our tactic was that we have to STOP this NOW! Every time we would tell her its time for bed now or to write her passage we would remind her WHY she had to do it and that SHE is the only one that can make sure she's telling the truth. She missed out on the 2 "traditions" we do and her brothers still got to do them.
Everything gets found out eventually. (mommy and daddy know all):-) If we catch her again she has to do it all again but with longer verses and longer time. So far we havn't caught her...

Good luck and hope something suggested works for you!!

It sounds like she needs to confide in someone as to what she is feeling and dealing with. Most often when my boys lie to me it is to try and stay out of trouble. You said you are trying a low donse of meds for her. Is this perscribed by a psychiatrist, a family doctor or a homeopathic approach? You might want to try and talk to her about what is so wrong at school. I would also ask her teachers what they see in class. She may be having a hard time with the day to day stuff in class or she may be being bullied somewhere. If you can't get any answers you might want to consider having her talk to the school counselor and see if they can help her in any way. Also, if she does have ADHD and/or emotional issues she may need to be evaluated by school for an IEP intervention. I have three special needs boys and it can get rough at times but when you communicate consistently with her teacher(s) and school it is manageable. You mentioned your husband being out of work, that may be a big stresser for her, too. Keep her talking and things will eventually work out. Good luck and God bless. S.

I'm wondering if her lying has anything to do with the ADHD... I just read a book about ADHD and it offers many natural methods to help treat kids with ADHD. It also gave a bunch of real-life cases where some of the kids felt so shameful after their bad behaviors (which were related to ADHD). I wonder if this might be what is happening with your daughter. She may be ashamed when she does something wrong and then that causes her to lie about it. If you're interested in the book, it's called, "Healing the New Childhood Epidemics: Autism, ADHD, Allergies, and Asthma" by Dr. Kenneth Bock. Best of luck!

Get "Lost at School, Why our Kids with Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them" by Ross Greene PhD, for starters.
www.lostatschool.org

We always give our kids a second chance to tell the truth. If we know for sure that they are telling a lie we give them a harsher punishment than if they would have told the truth and we make sure that they know that! Ex. If you are telling the truth you will get 1 spanking but if you are lying you will get 3.
This is a really hard area to parent.
Blessings, K.

Ouch! How painful for you! She is definately going thru something. Probably - - you might want to sit down...puberty.

There it is. Preteens are starting the behavior earlier than we did. Hang in there. It is a bumpy road. Continue to love her and pray for her. Remember the importance of consecquenses (sp?) too!

You can do this!

S.

Hello D., Have you explored the possability of her being bullied at school? It could even be a teacher rather than a student. Ask her questions about why she is unhappy there. And then pay attention. Don't interupt, or tell her what she should feel, think, etc. Just listen!! Everybody wants to be heard. Acting out, such as lying, can be a by-product of her feeling out of control, or not knowing how to solve her school issues. If it is a problem with not understanding the work, but feeling pressured to get it done, than maybe asking the school if they have a tutoring service might help. Emothional issues can just happen when we hit a hard spot in life. Hope this helps. Good luck, and happy holidays.

It sounds like she is going through a tough patch at school and possibily she is more stressed about your ecomonic situation than you realize. For other reasons, my 9 year old son is also having a tough year. It is so hard to see your baby suffering. At her age, I'd guess her lying is a coping mechanism. I think the best thing a parent can do is to keep the lines of communication open - and talk to her teachers and/or school counselor. Also, eventhough you are understandably very busy, she may need some one on one with you, even a walk together can help. Sometimes the best you can do is listen and love and practice patience, and keep talking to the school. Hopefully as she feels better about herself, the lying will stop. (And hopefully you'll be able to handle the emotional issues/ADHD without drugs.)She really needs you right now and I hope you will able to get to the bottom of this soon. Good luck and know you are not alone.

My daughter is now 12. She went through the lying stage as well. I assure you that it is simply a normal stage she is going through for her age group. Simply remind her that she will be in more trouble for lying than she would have originally been in had she not lied. Explain the her the story of the boy who cried wolf. My Dad often reminded us of that story and it has stayed with me though life. I wish you luck. Just give her lots of positive reinforcement when she does good things. Girls love that! :)

Lying can be her protection mechanism. She doesn't want the withdrawal of love and if she feels that position is threatened she will lie to protect herself. It is not abnormal. I would like to hear more about her to see if I can offer other tips... I instruct parenting courses based on listening, communication, respect etc... to help build close connected family relationships.
In this situation I would try stating the truth to her (if you already know the truth).. instead of putting her on the spot with a question such as "Did you hit your brother" when you were standing there and witnessed it. Instead say.. I saw you hit your brother... what made you so upset that you felt you needed to do that? It is good to move in close to her as you say this as well to show that you love her and are not withdrawing from her. She may be experiencing stress over the situation with Dad losing his job. Despite our efforts to protect our children they worry and stress over things... even just the change of you working all the time, Dad not working as much, or now attending school can be confusing and cause children to behave in strange ways in order to try to unload some of that icky bound up feelings that they feel but don't understand.
I am also a christian, and physiologically when anyone including children are experiencing stress... the part of the brain that can rationalize shuts down leaving them unable to "know that lying is wrong"... they are thinking with the self-preservation part of the brain which says do whatever necessary to stay safe which in this case means keeping the love of your parents. No matter how much the right/wrong ideas have been reinforced... until the experience occurs under less stress she is unable to think that way in these moments.
You are doing a great job... under enormous pressure yourself right now. Keep seeking help for these confusing and difficult issues. Your daughter and son are both very lucky to have you.
Contact me if you like, anytime!