Help with My 5 Year Old

First, please let me give you words of encouragement - you will get through this. I know it seems horrible and overwhelming right now, but you are a strong person and you will get through this. I don't know you, but I do know that all of us have great qualities within us. I just lost my job and went into a pity, fear, and anger spiral. My girlfriend told me two things that have become my mantras.

1. Spend at least 5 minutes an hour with your eyes shut and think about all of your good qualities. The first day I did this, I pretty much cried the whole 5 minutes, but that helped and the next day was much better.

2. I am not very religious, but I do believe in a higher power. My friend told me to remember, in the boat that is our life, we row and God steers. We may not know or like where God is steering at the moment, but we gotta row because God steers, he does not row. (I know I did not say it as well as she did, but I hope it helps!)

As for your son, yes, he could be bi-polar. I hope you all have insurance becuase I know psych care is super expensive if you don't. I hope you are able to get him to a doctor. It sounds like you and your hubby need some counseling, too. If he won't participate, you have some hard decisions to make. You may have to leave him. Are you ready to do that?

You have a lot to think about. Please take your time and don't do anything rash. You will get through this. Believe in yourself and row, girl, row!

Get Depression-Free for Life by Gabriel Cousens, MD. It covers bi-polar disorder and will help at least with your husband's issues.

I'd start family counseling with a good therapist, too.

Wow C., you are telling my story 27 years ago. My husband was bipolar and one of my sons is to and doing good. He also was born blind and moderately retarded. He is 26 now and has a part time job. My 27 year old did not have it but you would have thought he did. He is doing well now thank GOD. He has two kids and is married. There Dad died at 29. We don't know if he jumped or slipped off. I am not going to lie to you. It is not easy and if you don't get to get away sometimes by yourself then it will be that much harder for you. And you not loving your husband is a whole other story. If you just want to talk don't hesitate to email me back. We have a lot in common.

A.

You need to get your child to a child Psycologist. They can test him and determine if he is bipolar. Since his dad is your son's chances of having it are much greater. My grandson was diagnosed with this last year (his grandfather had it). He is on meds now and doing much better. My daughter refused to put him on meds in the beginning but life was a living nightmare both at home and at school so she eventually saw that this illness was affecting the entire family and that something had to be done.

I am definitely not an advocate of divorce but I can tell you that life is much too short to be unhappy.

It may sound crude but a blast in the face with a little cold water will get his attention. Do this everytime he has one of his tantrums & it will break them. May not hurt to do this to Dad to. At least it would get his attention.

Hello~
I have watched my grand daughter really act up when she has too much sugar. I do not allow her any now and she is acting so much better.
You might see if he is allergic to any foods you are giving him. Might possibly even be in any of the products you are putting on his skin. I know from experience that a certain perfume from Avon was causing me depression and thoughts of suicide. Of course, I don't use it anymore.
I have a lot of info on all the chemicals that are harmful for us if you are interested.
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I guess you need to resolve things first with your husband. when your little boy sees that you and your husband are ok, he will see it and eventually his behaviour will change for the better. I also believe that persons w/ bi-polar disorders need professional help. I'm sure you have help in your own localities. You also need to realize that the reason why you and your husband were married is because one would fill in the need of the other. You also need to realize that there is joy in marriage when God is at the center of your life. Let God control you and whatever you do, lift them up to the Lord. I assure you that when you seek God first, everything you desire that are good will follow... your husband's well-being and your little boy's loving and gentle ways.

Don't mean to sound harsh, but it seems like you may need to "lay down the law" about whose in charge. Children will take advantage if they can, and if you're not letting him know whose boss, he'll feel it and take advantage of that and get away with as much as possible. he may have bi-polar disorder like his father, but until you find out for sure, maybe you should take the reins and be a little more strict with him. my son is on the autism spectrum, and if I let him, he would rule our household. but I have to give him limits and he functions much better. Good Luck!

Hey C.-

I'm going to be somewhat blunt, but that is the only way I really know how to communicate:

I agree with Amy. The main issue is that you and your husband are not on the same page when it comes to raising this child and your little boy senses it. Kids have an amazing ability to detect stress and strife in a home. It is a no-no to argue in general in front of kids, and it is especially bad for two parents to argue about the kids in front of the kids.

Your son is 5, and 5-year olds already push their limits as much as they can. Even in the most peaceful environments. They want independence. He is not only doing that, but he is craving attention from you guys. Ultimately, he wants positive attention, but subconsciously, he will take whatever kind of attention he can get...positive or negative. You both need to each spend one-on-one time with him and together doing things as a family to re-enforce to him that you love him and care about HIS world. Take just 10-15 minutes a day, each parent, playing a game with him by HIS rules...even if it doesn't make sense. It lets him know that he really IS important to both of you, just reaffirms things with him in such a small way.

You guys need marital help. Whether it be a doctor, pastor, counselor, all three, or more. It is hard to be in love with someone that you never agree with, but it also sounds like that you and your husband need some one-on-one time together like a weekly date night. I know that may sound really un-fun at the moment, but if you aren't spending stress-free fun time with each other, then yeah, you are definitely NOT going to be in love with each other! Find a relative or a sitter or drop-in care service for a couple hours once a week. Even if that means to re-arrange the work schedule somewhat. Your marriage is at stake here, and needs to be at the top of the list in rebuilding. Take some time for each other to get to know each other again. That can take you back to why you guys got together in the first place.

Yeah, it would would be a great idea to get into church together and put God at the center of your lives and your family. Those are the best places to start, but don't end there. Get help as a family. As a family, you need to completely exhaust every option with the goal of keeping the family together. Don't think about leaving until you really truly have tried all you really can do and there is a lot that you can do to make it work and have a peaceable and happy life as a family with a well-behaved child.

There are so many resources out there that can save marriages and family, wonderful things that are both Christian and non-church related. There is hope. It's worth it, for the welfare of your son and any future children in your home. I've heard the saying many times..."the best thing two parents can do for a child is for the child to see his parents love each other". There are other variations of that, but you get the idea.

Hi C.,

I'd have your son checked out. My now 16 year old son was like that when he was 5. I'm not saying that he is bipolar but there is a possiblity since his father is. In addition to bi-polar (which they didn't diagnosis until he was about 12) my son also has ADHD which played a big part as well. I don't think they like to put the "bi-polar label" on a child so young. And naturally I have to say consistency in training and punishment are key...you really have to stick to your guns with a child who acts out. Just know that there is help out there. We occasionally attend a support group for parents of special needs children and come away with great tips and the feeling that we haven't got it so bad after all everytime we attend.

We used a poker chip reward/punishment system. We rewarded him with a poker chip for every good behavior and took away a chip fo every bad behavior. At the end of each week he'd get to "spend" his chips for prizes. I kept a small basket of inexpensive items that I had assigned a chip value to from which he could choose. The prizes were such things as balls, candy, gum, stickers, etc. When he was old enough to start getting an allowance we transferred the concept. We have a minimum and maximum amount of money that he can earn. We have found that because we started so early with this type of system he conciously tries to remember attitude and chores so he can get the maximum amount.

As far as your husband is concerned you really need to talk heart to heart with him (without pointing fingers or he'll get on the defensive). Open communication between the parents of a special child is needed. Your child's welfare is the most important issue here...if he is bi-polar or ADHD then you and Daddy need to get on the same page.

Good luck..I look forward to reading your update. I'm in your corner.

W. Q

I totally agree with what Amy said. He is definitely responding to what is going on in the house. He could also be bi polar though. I would try some stricter punishments to see if that helps. if he starts breaking things, out him in his room and if he starts breaking things in there take all his toys out and leave him with nothing. Show him that you are the boss and he can't do whatever he wants. It will be very hard to stick to your guns but if you can do it (and you can) it will make things a lot easier.

This could be a sign of him acting out against what you and your husband are dealing with right now. Kids are very perceptive to things going on around the house and could act out in very strange ways. My husband and I have split up twice within the house (hubby moving into spare room) and somehow my kids always know something is up and start getting really clingy and whiny. Plus my oldest starts being mean to the younger kids. As soon as things get better around the house, the kids all get better. You might want to talk to your pediatrician about whats happening with your son and your husband and then determine if that should play a part in your decision making. If your son is picking up the negative sides from his father, then it might be time to make some real changes. Hope you figure something out. Good luck.
A. K