HELP With My 5 Year Old Son's Stubbornness!!!!!

beat him beat him beat him! kidding -- here's what i've heard worked w/ a couple of friends of mine w/ the same sort of situation and child: PATIENCE, they actually are testing you to see how far they can go and if you haven't been consistent in the past w/ (a) being calm in the face of their crazy, (b) consistent in the way you handle it -- which is listen to why he doesn't want to go to school, not just say "you have to go", but make him feel like his feelings mean something which means taking time to talk to him about his feelings about, well, everyting/anything, really engaging yourself and legitimizing (if that's a real word:) his feelings of self, and (c) being firm about going to school and all the other struggles he likes to put forth, without yelling or showing the reaction he's looking for (he really does WANT you to lose it), it kind of puts you on the same playing field as he is when you do lose it. If you can find it in yourself to remain calm in the face of it all, over time you will really see some results, you will earn his respect and he WILL want to please you. It seems (as you mention) his father has some power of him through fear, but that's not what you want (who does???), so just try this, it worked for friends (and family) of mine, and it's kind of the way SuperNanny does her work too. :)

Our oldest is 5 and he's been strong-willed for several years. It's fun to deal with it, isn't it? :-)
Anyways... we've had the same "I'm not going to school" argument. What finally worked was my husband going into his room and removing every single toy one morning right after he missed the bus on purpose. He was warned and he just continued because he wanted to test to see if we meant it. We then told him that if he yelled, screamed, argued, threw a fit, whatever and missed the bus again because he didn't want to go he'd lose all his books, too. He earns them back by being in bed with lights out at a certain time (we just started having bedtime issues, too and this took care of it) and getting up, dressed, eat breakfast and out the door on time in the morning. It took 3 weeks to earn them all back.
We only had to do it once. Now when he wakes up 'in that mood' we just calmly start putting his toys one by one into a laundry basket and he jumps out of bed and gets ready in record time to avoid them going back to the basement.

As for throwing up... let him do it. He does it because he knows it gets to you.

In a perfect world, I would agree with Nancy. As a single mother, myself, her advice is easier said than done. Sitting calmly to talk to a child, is fine, if you do not have the pressure of being a single mom. Okay, that said, here is what I have done with a stubborn daughter. I like Dr. Phil's advice, and I use that as my foundation. His advice is "every child has their currency" That is true. There is something that your son loves more than anything, and that is his currency. If it takes you taking EVERYTHING out of his room, and making him earning it back, then so be it. My daughter surely changed, when I actually took her door off the hinges, to her bedroom. My theory is, they don't have to like you, but, they damn better respect you!

Hi H.!
This is a tough one. We have a 3.5 year old who has sensory integration disorder. Makes him very stubborn and anxiety ridden on top of it. I've stopped arguing with him on a lot of things -- he can't be convinced to do anything. So if he doesn't want to go to the supermarket - I say "okay - I'll drop you off at home and you can wait for me there...I have to pick up a few things". He thinks it over and the fear of being alone is greater than going with me. Once he says "okay I can go with you"...I say are you sure? I don't want you to do something you don't have to? He then feels really good about being "in control" and says "yes, yes - I want to go to the supermarket". I apply this to ALOT. Because of his disorder he feels out of sync and often feels like he has no control of anything, including his own body -- so I realized him making decisions (or at least thinking he is in control) helped.
Good luck!
S. in Lisle

I agree with Kathryn. It sounds to me like your recent divorce might be the root of this problem and some family counseling would do you and both your sons some good. My parents divorced when I was 5 and for my whole life, I was afraid of my dad and in a way, took it out on my mom. I guess it's sort of a back-handed compliment - he loves you and trusts you and knows your love will never go away, so he feels safe in behaving badly because he's hurt inside and it has to come out somewhere. That's how I felt. My mother, sister and I all saw one counselor or another throughout the years, be it a therapist or a social worker at school, and in the end it really helped. I feel that behavior issues like this are rarely due to a child just "being bad". There's usually a deeper reason but kids don't have the words or the emotional experience to let it out appropriately. Youth and Family Counseling services are great and they are affordable. I recommend you check it out. I'm sorry to hear that your family is going through a bad time but hopefully this will help. Good luck to you all :)

I have a very stronge willed son. Just like his mother! We have been a fatherless household for a long time even though I just divorced this year. My son hates his father for leaving and blames himself. He has argued and different since birth.

I do it this way when he argues with me. I point blank ask him who the adult is? He has to say me because it is true. If he does not what to go to school there might be other issues beside the divorce. Has the school mentioned anything. Have you seen anything in his grades and work?

Other arguements are probably bed time etc. Pick your fights. If it is something that does not matter stop controling it. Example what he wants to ware or putting clothes in the basket. Help the "man" of the house be responsible. Get him to join you in the fun of dishes, laundry, etc. My son loves cleaning the bathroom. Let him help with the shopping by giving him things to get. Make it all fun instead of a chore. It gives you time to talk.
Since the strict disapline is gone I think leting them chose the household rules and chores will help. They need to know what the rules are and how they will work. Write them down together and work together. Think of rewards. I do not like money. I like special things to do are see like going to the library. We also watch bats on summer evenings. We watch insects and planets. We talk a lot about life.

There is already to much stress in all our lives. Making life fun instead of a burden is best for me.

Tell him how you feel. That you are angry and scared also. That will also help. I asked how my son felt about his father the other day. He abandoned us. He said I was fine until you brought him up. everyone handles all the stress of a divorce different.

100 years from now it will not matter!!

I went through a divorce when my children were just a couple of years older than yours. An important step for us in making this transition was counseling from Youth and Family Services in Hanover Township. The fees are on a sliding scale, making it affordable. From what I can tell, money does not get in the way of families getting the help they need. This transition for all of you is a time when a trained outsider can be of so much help. The number for YOuth and Family Services is: ###-###-####. If you are not in Hanover township, contact your township and see if they have similar services. This is a very important time for you and your children. Please get the support you need. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you.

K.