My 9 year old is so sassy. I feel like she is starting her teenage ways a little early. Im constantly reminding her that Im the parent and she is the child. What are some suggestions on how to handle this?
Well, we just moved across the country and it has gotten a little worse. We now live by family and she is the oldest by 4 years of all the cousins. She butts heads with the only girl cousin and has mood swings. Could it be from the stress of moving? She only has one neighborhood friend who isn't available all the time. I know being bored is what I hear the most and we did get her a bike that she loves to ride. I am going to put her in to some activities as soon as our funds are available too. This is starting to play a factor with my sister and I relationship which I want to nip. Any other insights?
1. Don't take it personally.
2. Consequences. A little bit is normal. If it gets out of hand, consequences. Whether it's grounding or losing privileges or whatever. Kids do this, but if it reaches the point of disrespect, drop the hammer.
We call it "backflash" in our house and it comes with consequences. If asked to do something and she backflashes then she's just added on to that chore. So if it was clearing the table, now she has to clear the table AND wash the dishes. We can add on all night.
On the flip side when she does things without backflash she is heavily praised.
I've also found that there are better ways to ask her that don't cause backflash in the first place. If she's playing and I know she won't want to stop then I give her a 5 minute warning and I set the timer. She then has 5 minutes to finish up instead of me demanding she stop immediately and do whatever I want. If it's something I know she won't want to do I try to be on her side. "Honey, I know you don't want to, and believe me I understand! But it's time to cut your toenails!"
All out disrespect is met with silence and ignoring. If she can't talk nice, I'm not listening.
Hope that helps!
I'm working on my 4th daughter that's 9 and 3/4. You are right. The sass is getting worse. It's normal. It will pass. Just do your best to try not to get too emotional or too mad. I just tell them to talk to the hand. I stick to my grounds and if necessary, ground her from something she likes.
When calm heads prevail, I sit her down and lecture her about respect. But it's a slow going process.
Sounds like you have gotten a lot of advice. My daughter is not that age yet so I am not sure I can give you any direct advice but if you try what people have suggested and still need some more help I know of a GREAT family coach named Brandi Davis. She is amazing at making everyone feel comfortable, getting to the route of the situation and working with the family as a whole to figure out how to make things better. Check out her website http://www.childandfamilycoaching.com/
what i did when 10 year old went through this last year. i thretend to ground her if she acted like that agin.she did it agin then i grounded her, and then she knew i was serious.
She wants to act grown up? Fine. Tell her she's cooking dinner. You're going to go take a nice long quiet candle lit bath. Until she can watch her mouth, she needs some chores so she can think things through while she's working.
It just goes down hill from here as she gets older, so nip it now! Can you imagine talking to your mom that way? Think about what your own mom did to nip disrespect and ask your husband if he remembers what his mom did.
Let her know it will not be tolerated as it is a form of disrespect and she is showing you that she is ungrateful. Take away privilages from her and explain that they are privilages she is to earn, not "rights" that she has---such as take away computer time and/or TV time, give her an earlier bed time, and God forbid if your 9 year old has a cell phone take it away
You have my sympathy. My girls aren't that age yet, so I can't speak from experience. Of course, they're perfect angels and would never be sassy pre-teens. lol :)
What is she sassing you about? That could make a difference. Has this behavior come from who she's hanging out with? Have you sat down to talk (not lecture) about it? I don't know if that would help, but it might. You might start explaining more about why you decide things the way you do. If she understood the logic behind your orders, perhaps she'd be more understanding. And if you talk to her and she brings up good counterpoints, you might even consider changing your mind. It might make her feel that you value her thoughts more. But, I dunno. My kids are still little. Just some things that come to mind.
When I was young, I saw my dad hit my brother (really hard) for sassing m mom. You can bet I never did!
Personally, I don't believe in hitting. My son (11) sasses sometimes. He doesn't even realize that he's doing it. I've always allowed him to say what he wants but in a nice way. Lately, he'll get mad and starts the sassing. But I respond back (sometimes then and sometimes later when he's calmed down) and let him know that he was being sassy and he'll apologize. He knows he's the child and that I have my reasons for what I do. He doesn't always know the reasons and that sometimes frustrates him. When I explain to him, he usually gets it and is okay with it. Sometimes, he doesn't get it or doesn't see things the way I do and still has a hard time even though he know why.
My advice, tell her what she is doing that is sassy, ask her if there was another way she could have said what she said without being sassy, let her know that you love her and always will, you are not rejecting her but you are objecting to that behavior. Understanding now will help when she really is a teenager.
Disrespectful behavior often seems to stem from feeling disrespected. Treat her with the same respect you'd appreciate getting. When she is disrespectful to you, calmly explain how it makes you feel. (eg: "When you speak to me that way, I feel like you don't care whether you're hurting my feelings or not." or "When you refuse to help with chores, I feel like you don't care about us all pulling together as a family." Etc.)
I also agree with the advice from N.S.... try to look at things from your daughter's perspective and allow for a little leeway with your requests. If someone were to demand that I stop what I'm doing right this minute and do such'n'such instead, I imagine I'd feel irritated by that. But if they considered my wants/needs and allowed a little flexibility, I'd probably feel a lot more inclined to help. ("Honey, I see that you're playing right now, so sometime in the next ten minutes could you get to a stopping point and set the table please?")
I think that we often get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of the day that we start to lean too much on our own "power" as the parent and forget that our children are people who need and deserve courtesy and respect, just like anyone else.
Best wishes to you and your family!
you are doing the right thing, trust me 9 is the age!
