Help with Step Daughter!!!!

I kinda understand what you are going through. I had my step-daugther living here and it was not pretty. Unfortunatly her father sided with her. I think it was to keep her here. She was a little stinker. She was 13 though. Your hubby has to come to terms with her first before things will change my step daughter was determined to break my hubby and I up. I hung tough!!!!! Don't let her ruin your life.

I have a M. Kay business. I just love it!!

Good luck, M. H.

Hi S.,

I've gone through this. When I married my husband he had two kids at the time where 9 and 12. The daughter was 9. She may be a little girl like some have said, but 8/9 year olds can be VERY MANIPULATIVE!!! That was a bad time for us. I suggest going to court and asking for supervised visits. Then the court appointed person can see how your house is run. Also, until she matures, having her Dad spend time with her out of the house and away from you and your girls. I don't care that she is only 8, there is no excuse for what she or she and her mother are doing. At 8 you know right from wrong. You know when you are intentionally hurting someone. I have no tolerance for this type of behavior from my step-kids or my own kids who are 22 months and 5 years old. Granted my step-kids are now 26 and and 23, but let me tell you, nip this in the butt, because it will just get worse. My step-daughter can still be a pain in the butt and she is going to be 24 this year, so it doesn't get better being a step-parent.
Good Luck!
J. in Macomb

Hi S.-
I agree W/ the others about being careful what you say/don't say in front of your step-daughter. BUT- MAKE SURE she always feels completely at home at your home and with your family. Maybe personally take her aside and tell her how much you love her and nothing will stop that, and how sad it makes you to be hearing and dealing with the lies. Don't involve her with things between her mom and you/your husband- it's not her fault a divorce happened and she needs to be 'reminded' of that in different ways. Give her hugs and kisses as you do to your other kids and treat her the same as them. When she gets disciplined, remind her that the other kids would be punished the same way at her age if they did/do the same thing. Make sure she knows what is and isn't tolerated in you house; maybe make a list to post somewhere. Talk to your husband about your feelings, he should understand! Because you both love this girl and the other kids and want a happy family : - ) and yes, get her into counseling!!!! I also believe that's extremely important!! As well as writing down everything that happens and is said and date your writings. As much of a pain as it is, it's worth it. Do some checking into what the Friend of the Court can do, just so you know. Sorry to jump all around, but another thought that just came to me is to do something else that shows the equalness of the kids- weather it's making a creative memories book for each of them, or some other personal thing that you do equally for each of them; this is just another way your step-daughter can see your loving feelings for her. (As a christian, I personally turn to prayer for guidance on issues- I have a step-daughter as well, with 2 of my own kids. I have been able to feel peace about lots of issues this way.) I am sorry you have to deal with this. A statement I heard has stuck in my mind that I want to share also: "You can replace stuff/things (house, car, job, etc.) but you can never replace your family." It's a gift- do all you can to protect your family : - ) Think of what kinds of memories this girl will have of you and her family (on you/your husband's side) and make your choices to keep those memories positive for her. She will come back to those and it will have a part in shaping her life when she's older!! God bless- just do your best as husband and wife/mom and dad...

I know how frustrated you must be! But just remember she's just a little girl. 8 yrs old is still very young. I would imagine she's getting some kind of "pay-off" from lying. Either she's getting some extra attention from her mom or even neg. attention can encourage children to act up. Just remember too, she might not feel like she fits in with your new family as well as your other children do. She needs to distinguish herself with these tall tales. Don't be angry with her, try to be sympathetic. She obviously needs something from someone. and by all means put her in pediatric therapy.

S.-

I haven't read the other responses, so I apologize if I am repeating advice, but we are going to court for custody of my step-daughter and I have done a lot of research. (She is going to be 14 and wants to live with her Dad.) All I can say is to NOT say anything in front of your step-daughter that is negative about her mother and to try to keep everything as normal as possible. If the mother calls and accuses you of doing something that is untrue, just deny is and keep calm. If/when it goes to court, the less that the mother knows via your step-daughter taking home to her the better. Don't say to her "I know that you tell your mom this..." or "your mom is mad at us for this" etc. Try to keep the instances in the two homes separate.

You know it could be as simple as her being jealous of your daughters. But it definitely sounds like she is starving for attention, I'm just guessing by what you're saying. I suggest that her Daddy take time with her ALONE on his weekends. Do things that only an 8 yo can do! Even take her on a 'dinner date'! She needs to know she's special & important. Has her mother remarried? Either way it could have an affect.
It's never easy to blend a family. She may also think YOU love your girls more than you do her& that is HUGE to an 8 yo that NEEDS to know she is loved.
Good luck & may God bless your family with peace!

Dear S.,
You are in a akward spot. My oldest son is my husbands step-son and I was a step daughter. I have never been in your exact position but I have seen it in my career in child care.
My advice is to stay out of it as much as possible and let your husband and his ex deal with it. This will probably make her mom feel more secure and comfortable, she is probably conserned about hr daughter. We parents always want to believe and protect our children. If you know that you are doing all you can to be a fair mom and step-mom, then continue acting as you have been. Divorce is h*** o* children and your step-daughter is acting out, forgive her. Just love her and tell her that you will love her even when she does things that hurt her, just as you would your own children. Let her know that if your children do something (it is possible they may have) you will talk to them. Maybe you could have family meetings. Just remain consistent in your determination to have a loving home. Rest in the knowledge that you are innocent of the accusations and don't let her see that she is getting to you. It probably makes her feel powerful to cause so much distress. Take away the power. How is the relationship between you, your husband, and her mom? If the 3 of you could decide to work as a team it would benifit the whole family. P.S. you would be suprized at what children know, even if they don't fully understand.

I would tell the friend of the court that until the little control freak/attention getter quits, HER repurcussions are that she will no longer be welcome. It sounds like there's something shady going on.
For future visits, I would definitely not talk about personal, serious, family matters when she's around. It gives her ammunition. Bring the subject matter to her and her only. She'll get bored talking about just herself. I mean it is going to take huge efforts on your part and husband's part. But just put off conversations that she could misconstrue and twist.
She needs counselling, tho. It has to be known WHY she's doing this. And if her mom is coaching her in order to undermine custody, she needs to re-read the divorce decreement and given a warning that it won't be tolerated. Just remember the fable of the boy who cried 'wolf'. Too much of it and no one will listen.
Then again, lawyers do run with some things kids say.

Good luck, S.. This really stinks.

You need court documents. Daycare, schools, doctors, etc. are all required to follow court custody orders. It is the ONLY way to enforce the changing phone numbers, addresses and inconsistency with visitation. This poor girl needs some stability and as hard as you try, you can only provide it on one end. Get to court and get an order and make the mom follow it explicitly. The behavior will stop when the chaos stops...but until then the little girl doesn't know which way her world will turn from day to day...

It's so tough being a stepparent. I'm a step mom to 2 wonderful boys, 10 & 13 and I have been in their lives for over 9 nine years and it still amazes me that their mother can not accept this. We deal with constant interference, it seems like each week it's something new. We have tried everything from yelling at her, sending her nasty letters, talking with the boys about her actions, even started counseling, ignoring her and nothing works, she continues to cause problems, therefore causing problems in our marriage and our family. Mothers have a this hold over their children and it's very sad when jealous parents with low self esteem use their children as pawns to get back at their husbands but so many do this. The best advise I can give you that has helped the most is to just ignore it, once she knows she can't get to you she might stop and if she doesn't stop if you agree to just ignore it she can't get to you. We don't even talk about things with the boys anymore b/c they need a safe place and real family when they are at our house and they need to know that when they are here we are not going to spend the visit brainwashing them against their mother. We now just say things like "I'm sorry your mother is acting that way, but at this house we don't do things like that" or "I think you know what is right and what is wrong" and we drop it immediately. This has been a huge stuggle for me b/c a lot the problems we have are about my involvement with the boys it's so hard just letting this women say things to my children and I can not react. I have reacted poorly many times but then I'm no better then her. I find that when I don't react or say anything bad just simple state, sorry you have to deal with this and we move on and forget about it, they know what their mother says is not true and they know she is their mother and they have to continue to listen to it and do what she wants but they eventually will realize the truth.
I joined an online stepmother support group that has helped me out so much. No one can understand what I go through playing the role of step mother but other stepmothers so this group has been great for me. If you want more info I'll be glad to share. Feel free to email me any time to vent, but just remember that your feeling are normal and your angry and frustration are also normal but that is what this women whats....so you need to decide if you are going to let her to get to you or not. Picking on someone isn't that fun once you realize it's not working. Good luck!

Wow! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I don't have any step children. But As I was reading your post one of my thoughts was if the Ex believes that something is not right in the home why does she continue to allow the child to come and visit? If it was my child I would not. (Is this why you are in court because your husband has to fight to see his child) I think the ex is just trying to create problems and make your life miserable. I think she does not believe or really care about whats goes on in your home. If she did she would not allow the child to come and visit so that she can come back with these lies.
I agree with the other poster. Your husband should visit with her somewhere else until her issues are resolved. Because right now she is causing a disruption in your household. Not meaning to sound selfish but You have your marriage and your kids to think about.

Hi S.,

Shame on her mother. These things have a way of getting back--hopefully, her mother will be disciplined if it's proven that she is behind this. What goes around, comes around. I've gone through something very similar to what you are going through except it was with my tween daughter and her dad/his new wife. What I've learned is that you cannot control what the other parent does/or says to your child. If her dad is telling her that lying is a bad thing and her mom is coercing the lies, this child is confused and doesn't know the difference at 8 years old. My guess is that her mom wants to stop her from having a relationship with your family and will do anything to poison the situation. Start documenting these incidences in a notebook by writing the date and what is said. I know it sounds time consuming, but you will need that information if you go through a custody battle. They can make allegations, but they have to prove that it really did happened. The best piece of advice I can give you is DO NOT talk bad about the other parent in front of this little girl--that always comes back to bite you. Your best bet as a stepmom is to remain neutral and keep your nose clean (don't discipline her if she is bad--that is NOT your place). If I were you, I would not allow myself to be left alone with her--always have one of your kids with you or your husband. If this situation turns into a nasty custody battle, the court may require a psychological evaluation for the parents and the child then a determination will be made as to parenting time and custody.

MC

suggest that your husband take his daughter out somewhere for his weekly visit with him; or insist that she is not staying with you and your children until she stops the lying; or get a social worker involved as the girl may have jealous problems that her daddy is with another woman and they have kids; or wife #1 has problems that your marriage to her ex isn't working and she is trying to upset the spple cart or you are making all this up for attention. You have choices. Make one.

First of all, I am SO deeply saddened by a few posts that seem to suggest that "bad" kids don't deserve compassion, love, and a parent who never gives up on them because they are worth it. IMO that is what perpetuates "bad kid" behavior into later years (when they will be going through also very natural stages that can make their behavior difficult as they test thier autonomy and "adultness"). Also, most making that ascertation do not have their own children the ages of their steps. I guess long and short of it is don't give up on your step daughter. She needs a sane and loving guiding light.

7/8 years old are prime time ages for lying. Kids around these ages need to feel validated and accepted by thier parents (even steps) as they are starting to identify with "adult" (non-babyish) behaviors more than ever. They will often do *anything* to make themselves seem better/bigger than they are. Your step-daughter is in such a rough position and one that's got to be so confusing for her! The "loyalty" she wants to give to both groups is making good choices tough. She is seeking for somewhere to fit in and a happy medium for both parent groups. Do keep good records of what goes on at your house (and also of interactions with her mother). This may really help you in court. I don't know where you live, but I can write letters to Friend of Court detailing occurances and write "For File Use Only" on the top corner so that the letter will be filed in case I need the documentation later. This said, you probably don't want to annoy your case worker sending one every other day, but do write a letter when facts pertinent to the custody case present themselves. Also, let them know immediately EVERY time she denies visitiation. She is NOT allowed to decide to deny visits without court approval, and if she does, your hubby is eligible for "make up" time, which he should definetely take advantage of so his X will know denial is futile. You can continue to confront your step daughter, and tell her how you feel when she lies like that, how you feel scared that it may even result in her not being able to visit you or her daddy or sisters again. Tell her you are dissapointed in the lying, and you know she can make better choices. Let her know that while her lying hurts you personally, you feel sad because you know that lying makes her feel yucky inside too, and that since you love her, you never want her to feel that way. Tell her that she never has to choose between her mom's "family" and you and her dad's. Real love has no limits, and she can love you both freely without feeling like she is doing something wrong. Loving your family is never wrong. Also, I would say that rather than spending less time with this girl, spend some quality time with her seperately as parents or as a family. Also, offer oppertunities for the girls to bond and remind the step-sis how much your girls love and look up to thier "big sister". This will really help your daughter have a sense of pride in herself and help her to feel approval and validation not only from you but from the younger sibs. No matter what the mom says, or what happens, she will have happy memories of being with you both, and will find her way back to you remembering those happy times. Maybe her mom is just lonely and afraid that her daughter is so happy over there she won't love her own mom anymore or will want to "leave her" and move in with you. Maybe a compassionate talk with the mom would help as well, stressing both what the mother might be feeling and what the step-mother is feeling, and shareing observations on the daughter's feelings. Of course you don't want to get the daughter in trouble, but a carefully constructed conversation might do wonders. I do hope that this works out well for you. Let us know how it turns out!