Okay... This may be a little winded, but I am at my wits end!
My 17 year old daughter has a boyfriend who has been around for about 3 months now. The whole thing started out rough. She was staying with my mother, helping her out after a surgery. She started dating this kid that my boyfriend (her only father figure)and I knew NOTHING about. Through motherly ways, I found out that she had snuck him into my mothers house at night while my mother was sleeping. I confronted the both of them, told them how disrespectful that was to do to all of us, and that we would not tolorate such behavior. She has continued dating him, and neither of them are really "bad" kids, no drugs, drinking, or anything illegal, but she has developed a nasty attitude and is practically unbearable to live with lately. They never spend time at our house, she always spends time with his family where apparently they think she's a goddess.
So flash forward to last week... He had made plans to spend time with her on a Friday night. Then he called and cancelled saying that his friends were in from college and wanted to hang out with them. She was bummed that he had cancelled, but understood that he wanted time with his friends. So, my entire family shifted our plans to accomodate this moping teenager and spend time with her since he cancelled. So 2 hours into family time, the boyfriend calls and says he wants her to hang out with him! My boyfriend and I put our foot down, and told her no. We felt that he needed to learn that she is not at his beckoned call, and when we were enjoying family time, he should back off.
Then the phone calls started. He called over & over again trying to get her to convince me to let her go out. He would not stop and it got to the point that she was in tears with him begging, and me telling her NO. I tried to tell her that No means NO, and if he doesn't back off, she wouldn't get to see him at all that weekend. Well, needless to say, that ruined family night because the whole attitude of the house changed after the blow out!
So, yesterday, my boyfriend took her phone away from her for getting calls past 11:00pm (BIG rule in our house as we also have a 5 year old that sleeps in the room next to hers). So I had her phone, and her and I were hanging out watching tv. And the boyfriend calls her phone. I answered the phone and told him that she was grounded from her phone for the night and she could call him back tomorrow when it was returned. He says "can't I just talk to her for a minute?", I said NO, you can talk to her tomorrow. He begs me, and begs and whines to talk to her.... At this point I am so fuming mad that this kid has NO respect for ME or MY rules that I am ready to scream! She gets on the phone with him, tells him how much she loves him, gives me a nasty attitude and stomps off into her room!
I just don't get it! Does this kid have no rules at home? Why do OUR house rules mean nothing to him? How do I get him (and her) to understand that MY house rules apply to BOTH of them, and he can't just get away with breaking my rules?
I don't understand the blantent disrespect this kid shows towards me as a parent. Just as a side note, I think this kid is creepy, and not a good match for my daughter at all, but I have never forbid her to see him, as I know what trouble that will cause. I know she'll figure it out sooner or later... and some lessons need to be learned on their own. I just need some advice on how to reach these kids and get it into their heads that rules are rules!
Thanks to all for your support and advice! I really appreciate it! So nice to know that there are others out there that care!
So what happened? Another long story that I'll try to keep short & sweet!
I spoke with the boyfriend privately, and we discovered that it was my daughter that was the culprit. She managed to manipulate the situation beyond belief! She had me (and my BF) convinced that the boyfriend was a total loser/stalker/manipulator, and her BF convinced that we HATED him and basically wished he didn't exist, but in reality, she was the one lying, to both us & him. I found out last night that she is his first real girlfriend (poor kid), amongst a ton of other facts that I never knew about this kid, and it turns out I feel bad for him now! I laid down the rules, explained the consequences and hopefully things will be better from here on out (between him & I anyway). He cried and apologized and explained himself very well. As for my daughter.... whole new game plan now. Now I have to deal with a child that lies beyond belief!!!! UGH.
If I'm understanding correctly, he whined and begged to talk to her for just a minute, and after saying no repeatedly, she got on the phone with him? Did you cave in, or did she disobey you? If you caved in, then you're just reinforcing his whining and begging...now he knows it works.
Stand your ground, and if he continues to call, take the phone off the hook.
I really don't have any advice for you. All I can say is your daughter and her boyfriend sound like teenagers. I have a 17 yr old boy and he is pushing my buttons bigtime. He is not into the drinking and drug thing either (at least I hope)...he's just a teenager. Still stand your ground. You're right..no means no and ground her when necessary. You are just going to have to deal with the fact that you have a teenager (a teenage girl for that matter) for a couple more years. And remember this...your 5 year old will be 17 some day. Good luck and have a couple cocktails.
H., you're a good one.
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you, but that night when the BF called and your daughter was supposed to be on punishment, if he'd of kept whining and asking to speak to her, he would have gotten hung up on.
I pray God gives you strength and clarity to deal with this issue.
it sounds like u have a
Reading the answers you received and your follow up, just remember the boyfriend could be playing you. The situation with him whining to talk to your daughter after he was told no, I would then hang up on him. It may be rude to some but sometimes that's the only way to end a conversation that isn't going anywhere. I have been a tough mom to three children. When I said no that's what I meant. Now that they are adults I leave them alone to make their own mistakes. I may give them my opinion at times, but that's all. If you have any other questions feel free to email me ____@____.com
Hi H.,
Although my children are both still very young, I certainly REMEMBER being a teenager and all the "h-e-l-l" I put my parents through. Really, the only suggestion I can offer to you, is to FIRST decide EXACTLY what the "rules" are that both your daughter AND her boyfriend need to abide by. Then you need to determine what punishment is equal to breaking those rules. For example, if no phone calls are allowed after 11:00 p.m., the punishment is that the phone is taken away for "x" amount of days. If she's late breaking curfew, the punishment is no going out/no phone calls/no TV/no internet (whatever) for "x" amount of days. Obviously, as I'm sure you know, the punishment needs to equal the crime, but it also need to make an impact, meaning that you have to take something away that really drives it home (no car, no internet, etc...whatever SHE feels is IMPORTANT to her, that she'll really dislike.) Then, once you have the most important rules that you will not tolerate being broken, you MUST put them down on paper - IN WRITING. Get a piece of poster board from the drug store and outline EACH rule, with the punishment underneath (or even type them up on a piece of paper - whatever - just put them in writing!) Then, you MUST sit with both of them together - YES...INCLUDE THE BF, so HE knows the rules and punishments since they affect him as well. Go over each of them and the punishement that ensues individually and clearly. Afterward, have a roundtable discussion. Let them SPEAK and make their thoughts and comments heard as well. You have to let them know that yes, although they are "adults" (to some degree) and that their lives, thoughts and inputs are important to you and your boyfriend, but that the bottom line is that YOU are the BOSS. She's still your CHILD, it's YOURE home and YOU get the final say. Make it clear that in order to obtain priveledges (because that's exactly what they are...PRIVELEDGES), they must abide by your and your BF'S "house rules." Plain and simple - no ifs, ands or buts. Go so far as to have them sign and date the paper or posterboard that they "understand and will abide by the aforementioned "house rules." Last, but certainly not least and probably MOST importantly, once the rules and punishments are set in place, you have to make sure YOU enforce them. You cannot let ONE "slip" go by. If you allow youself to not follow/enforce one of your own rules, then you're making the statement that they don't have to follow ANY of them, and then it all becomes a moot point. If you're not going to follow your own punishments and enforcements, why should they follow the rules to begin with? You have to STICK BY YOUR GUNS...NO GETTING OR GOING SOFT! Once they realize you mean business, it should help in getting more respect - both ways. I really think that a lot of problems today with children, really is with the PARENTS. Children need to understand what their boundaries and limitations are (which most of them truly appreciate having!) When they get mixed messages from their parents, they basically "lash" out with misbehavior because their brains just aren't mature enough to know how else to communicate their angst. Misbehavior is the easiest way for them to get their "points" across, even if we - as parents - don't even remotely understand what their point is! We just see it as clear disobeying/misbehavior but, most times, they're just trying to tell us something...they just don't know how. Yes, she's 17 (and it sounds like he's older if he's hanging out with his college buddies), but they're still KIDS and don't have the life experience and communication skills that we obtain through the years as we mature and become older adults. I really think that if you take your time, figure out which rules are truly important to you and your BF that you want/need them to adhere to (try not to be too petty - you definitely have to pick your battles!), outline them to your daughter and her BF and have a true "discussion" with them afterwards, that you'll see some improvement. I only wish that my parents had laid some defined rules down with me, and that I knew the reprecussions for disobeying them...and that they were more stead-fast about them. I didn't know if I was coming or going and when I'd be in trouble or not. Anyway, I apologize for being so lengthly and getting carried away! I certainly wish you and your family the best...whether or not you choose to use these suggestions. Please keep us posted - it won't be long before many of us are in the same boat you're currently in. I'm sure I'll be begging for help myself in about 10 years (which flies by way too quickly!) Again, best of luck!!!
Oh yeah...1 more thing - you might want to limit the amount of time she's allowed to go to HIS family home. Make it a rule that the times needs to be equal, or that they at least have to spend more time at YOUR home. Make the most of it, and try to put forth some effort in making him a part of YOUR family and make him feel welcome. Like you said, this probably won't last forever, so put forth some earnest effort in making them feel that you want them THERE...with the rest of you. Don't "hover" and make sure you give them "alone" time, but I think its always better when you're kids are under your OWN roof, where you can at least try keep ONE eye on them and know, somewhat, what they're up to (even if its nothing.) LOL!
