Help with the Terrible Twos Before I Cry...

I think this begins and ends with sleep. There has to be some happy medium between a nap at 10 am or 3 pm, that is a wild swing of difference, and consistency is KEY. Allow yourself two weeks, know that it could take that long but hopefully will end sooner, and commit to getting her sleep schedule predictable and ample. Toddlers need an average of 12-14 hours of sleep a day, so if she has a 2 hour nap she may need 12 hours at night. Earlier bedtime is better, mine at that age were going down at 6:30 pm, up by 6, nap was usually over 2 hours, after lunch 12:30-3 was the window. And it needs to be happening at the same time every day. Toddler bodies prepare themselves to go to sleep when they need rest, and if there is a signal that necessary sleep is not available, the brain will secrete a stimulating chemical to keep them up. Which means, if you miss the window when the body needs to shut down, it will be chemically altered to stay up, making it harder to rest when you do finally make the nap available. So you have an overtired, chemically amped up kid, who is going to throw a fit if you cut her food wrong. Sleep sleep sleep. In case you need a reference point, I loved the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child."

First off... Yep. Your first child was the very abnormal one. It's an extremely rare personality type. Most kids really DO earn the title terrible for either year 2 or year 3. It's head meets drywall/ tear jerking/ god grant me a burst of patience kind of year with GREAT parenting.

HOWEVER...

You've definitely got some sensory issues going on (which can present by themselves or be part of another disorder), and some transition issues going on, and some hyperfocus going on IN ADDITION to the normal "I love my child, I love my child" boundary pushing/ independence seeking/ normal milestone year of terrible2s (or terrible 3s).

Very FEW kids can throw a fit for an hour as their standard. ADHD kids can/do, so that's normal in my family (Requires TOTALLY different discipline than neurotypical children), and so can a couple of other disorders that have hyperfocus (gifted, aspies, etc.).

2 is young to diagnose ADHD (not impossible, but NONE of the older kid/ adult symptoms are looked for since they're age appropriate, instead what's not age appropriate is looked for, like hyperfocus, sensory issues, giftedness, etc)... BUT nearly every other disorder I can think of that MAY fit is diagnosable fairly easily at age 2

Am I saying your daughter has a disorder?

Nope.

But there are some red flags in what you've written. She may be completely neurotypical / average, or you may be looking at the early signs of ADHD or something similar.

Here's the irony: treating someone whose brain works differently than others the SAME often makes things much harder. KNOWING that you've got SPD or an ADHD kiddo or an Aspie gives you an entirely different tool box to work out of.

Which is a long lead up to getting an eval via a developmental Ped or developmental neurologist. It will save you a few years of head meets drywall if there is something going on and get you a different set if tools to work with.

(( JUST as a tool box example: the minute per year of age thing is useless with ADHD kids. They're still in full meltdown. Timeouts in our house often lasted 20/30/even 60 minutes in the first few months. And then they operate differently in addition to the time thing. ADHD kids hyperfocus, and when they're upset will hyperfocus on being upset and feeling wronged. NEVER associating what they did with the timeout, or later, punishment. So timeouts weren't punishments. They were s time to calm down and then focus on the following : what happened -without getting worked up over it-, why it happened, what could be done differently next time, and how do we put this time right.

In the case of the Sammie Situation
What happened = I threw a fit (NOT the Sammie being cut wrong, keep the focus on what they did that landed them in timeout)

Why it happened = I was mad/ hurt that the Sammie was cut the wrong way

What to do next time = ask for it to be cut a different way, ask if it can be fixed, etc. (I always require at LEAST 2 options IN ADDITION to), take a deep breath, count to 5, if I'm still upset take a timeout before throwing a fit.

How to put it right = apologize to daddy for throwing a fit and thank him for trying to do something nice for me.

With ADHD kids its all about solution based discipline, positive reinforcement, and emotional monitoring and regulation.

Neurotypical don't need this. They naturally associate, don't internalize, and learn from negative reinforcement. ))

AGAIN... IM NOT SAYING your toddler is ADHD. But I am, and my son is, so it's the disorder I'm most familiar with and can give examples from in how kids with these disorders are parented differently than neurotypical kids. :)

She carried on for an hour the ONE time you tried that? You only tried it once? You need to be consistent, so she knows who's in control. If she throws a fit for an hour, let her throw a fit for an hour. When you only do it once, and then stop ignoring her, she knows her fit worked, so she will keep throwing them.

My suggestion is to keep ignoring it. She's very strong willed if she can keep it up for an hour. You have to be stronger willed than she is. If you keep ignoring it, even if they last for an hour, eventually she will learn that they don't work.

I say keep ignoring it and try not to take the fits personally or think that means there is anything wrong with her. Her strong will will serve her well in the future. Try ignoring it for a week and see what happens. Crank up some fun music while she is having her tantrum. She needs to learn that she won't get what she wants by throwing a fit. Riley is right -- your first child was the abnormal one.

You can do it.

Hi.
Ok. How i deal with incidents. I hug my child and talk to him. I try to figure out why he is upset. empathize and just sit with him. It usually helps a great deal.

i am not an expert. www.ahaparenting.com by dr. laura markham has really helped me figure out gentle ways of teaching my child about life and so forth.

good luck.
jilly

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We tell my son that it's ok to be upset and to cry, but not to disturb the whole house. If he can't calm down right away he has to go to his room until he can come out and be calm. Sometimes he's in there a long time, sometimes it a short time and a couple of times he's laid down on his own and taken a nap.

You could try getting her an eval through early intervention. A lot of it sounds kind of normal except for the very long tantrums and the sleep issues. If you get an eval done through the state, it is free and you can have some experts take a look and see what they think. My son has sensory processing disorder and is at risk for ADHD (he is 4) but does not have any of these behaviours. He too was the "dream" child, did not throw fits, never wanted to be in trouble etc (now my almost 2 year old DD-NOT the "dream" child LOL)...BUT it definitely sounds like there are some sensory issues there and the evaluators can help you determine if there are. Good luck!

I don't have any answers for you. I just want to send (((HUGS))) because I understand. My first born was and still is a super mellow child. He slept well and very rarely threw a fit about anything. My second child is the polar opposite. I have said before I would give my life for him but if he had been my first he would have been my last! LOL He is a tornado of a child who never seems to sleep. If I allowed him to he would live off from cheese, hot dogs and milk. Sweetest child I know one minute and a hurricane of tears and temper tantrums the next. He will be 2 in a week and a half so he is about the same age as your child. Like I said I have no advice. I just wanted you are not alone in your sleep deprived frustration. Good luck!

Sorry I don't have time to read the other replies or post much -- on my phone. I do want to recommend a couple of books that have helped us.
"the explosive child" I think Ross Greene is the author
"transforming the difficult child" or search for the nurtured heart approach.
Best of luck.

Talk to your doctor about the sleep issues, maybe you can give her a melatonin supplement?

If you suspect SPD, take her to your school district (during the Kindergarten period when they evaluate children to see if they're ready for school) and see if they will evaluate a child that early. Most states, by law, need to test at the age of 3. If she tests in the category of need, then maybe they can give you help--again, she's under the age of 3, so I don't know.

You should also have her tested by a naturopathic doctor for heavy metal toxicity. Many children who have SPD or other Autism-related issues not only have food issues/problems, they also have heavy metal issues. You can either do a 24-hr urine sample or a stool sample. If she does have heavy metal toxicity, you can chelate, either with medicine or with other natural/herbal remedies.

I've been there, done that. My daughter, who has mild gluten intolerance, has SPD. We no longer have cow dairy, gluten, or soy in the house. She was tested by the school district when she was three for her speech, then she got put into Early Childhood and then into OT/PT for hypotonia (another "big" giveaway for children with Autism-spectrum disorders). She also saw a Childhood Specialist from age 5-11.

She is now 12 and doing very, very well and done with both speech and OT/PT. I have a bookshelf full of books on SPD, Autism, Highly Sensitive children as well as Gluten/Celiac disease--you name it. Anything I could find that would give me help and hope as I learned how to cope with SPD. Most of these books you can find at your local library.

I know it's hard, but as the parent, it's up to you to advocate for your daughter and discover what it is that is not right in her world--then making her world a better place to life and navigate in. By finding out what's wrong with her and fixing the problem/issues now, it will do wonders for her as she grows up, because the triggers will have been addressed and she'll learn how to regulate her behavior (along with maybe the need for specialists and/or a Childhood Specialist).

Good luck.

My oldest was bad about the clothes and food stuff, we ended up having to give her more "control" in her life - more choices, just limited ones, and that resulted in much less fits. "Here honey you can pick your outfit today - do you want this one, or this one?" "Hey, we are having oatmeal for breakfast, would you like peaches or blueberries in yours?" "Can you help me decide which veggie we will have with supper - green beans or peas?" "Would you like your PB&J with strawberry or grape jelly? Cut into Triangles or rectangles?" "Would you like ot take a stand up shoewer, or a sit down bath?" "Red toothpaste or blue?"- Really, silly stuff ( to us) like that made a huge difference because she felt more in control/grown up - if you want a 2 year old to do something willingly, ask for themto help you /make a decision (limited) about something.

Also,some things were just not worth the DAILY fight. For a while, she HATED jeans, she is still not a big fan at 5 yrs. old - so we just got her all stretchy pants and only forced jeans if we knew we were going on a wilderness hike or something where she needed the durability/protection of jeans. She hated the seam on the toe of socks, so we found ones that had a flatter seam that was on the outside rather than inside on her toes.

Although my 2 were not too bad about bedtimes, still, we made "sleep rules" around this age - they both tried to resist naps and bedtime at that age, too. I "gave them the power", in their minds at least. When they said, "But I am not TIRED!" I would say, "OK, you don't HAVE to go to sleep right this second, you can just sit or lay in your bed and read or play quietly with toys. BUT the rule is you need to stay in this room and stay quiet until there is a 4/7 on the clock." (nap is 2-4 - bedtime is 8:30 wake time 7am). I covered the right side so they could only see the first number. "If you don't follow the rules/stay in room/bed quietly until said time, I will latch/lock your door." They managed to stay up for nap a few days, but then they got too accumulatively tired and started falling asleep with books in hand.

Also, she might think she is "missing out" on something you and dad are doing - so it would probably pay to go to bed at that time too - or nap while she naps in your case. Tell her that you need some sleep too, and she needs to be good and quiet so you can get some rest and not be so tired/cabby later. Is she getting enough outside time/sunlight in the morning to get her circadian rhythms right? Is he getting too much screen time? I would make sure her room is dark and any outside noise is muffled by white noise from a CD or a fan. If I were you, I would just decide what time bed time, wake time and nap time are....bed every night at 8 - wake her at 7, nap 2-4 pm. And just consistently stick with those times, regardless of when she feels like it. Make the sleep rules above, and stick with the consequences/rewards, and eventually her body will synch up with what you are doing schedule wise, if you are consistent.

Also, when she DOES follow the rules, you may offer an award/reward - a piece of candy or a small toy immediately upon the wake up time, if he follows the rules.

From very young, I mostly followed the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth - it has tips for bigger kids too, not just babies.

As for nursing - becasue of her nutritional issues I can totally understand why you want to still nurse - I dont think that is the issue. HOWEVER, regular food at this age is more important, as are social skills and table manners that need to be learned. Make rules, again - you need to sit at the table with the family, and eat at least one bite of each item on your plate. Maybe set a timer for 10 minutes to start - and after that the the one bit of everything she can get down. Extend the time by 5 minutes each week, and maybe add another bite of everything. Offer an incentive, say dessert, if she finishes all her food. If she doesn't want to follow the rules, make a consequence - like she has to spend the remainder of dinner time ( until everyone else is done) in her bedroom alone. My kids joined us at table from the time they could sit in the high chair and hold up their heads, even before they were eating any food. And they were strapped into high chairs or boosters until they were mature enough to sit still and stay in place. So we never really had this issue - we do have whining and pickiness sometimes, but at our house, the rules are you eat what you are given, or you don't eat anything until the next scheduled eating time. Sounds harsh, but I am not a short order cook. Usually they get things they like for breakfast and lunch - supper is whatever I like or DH and I want to make, and they can take it or leave it, but if they leave it, they don't eat till breakfast the next morning.

Good Luck. 2 year olds beed limits and boundaries, but also need some choices and control over things in their little lives, too! It is a balance you need to work on!

Jessie