Developmentally, 5 is an emotional age of testing rules and playing with how words and actions have consequences. 5's like to name call, lash out when frustrated, say "i hate you," etc. They are turning into little people, feeling the call of independence, while still wanting to run to mommy --thus why it's a whiny, "I can't do it" age.
My daughter and all of her friends have reached this point, and I'm doing OK with my daughter. She is treating me and her father respectfully, but she is bullying her little brother, and she is lashing out half the time because of the anger of her peers. In fact, one friend of mine, with a very sweet girl, said, "my daughter is so angry! I've never seen her angry a day in her life!"
So, I need strategies to help these kids learn how to problem solve and successfully negotiate this stuff. I'm thinking of having a "kindness" jar in my house, where if anyone hits or name calls, they have to do something out of the jar for someone else. I'm planning on having my almost 5 year old help me create the list of acts. I'm also thinking that with my one co-op (I run one out of my house and one true NFP), I may have the kids brainstorm ways to deal with various frustrations, and then do a role play game with them or something.
I got a bunch of books this morning from the library on different emotions, etc. and I'm hoping to read them with my kids and then compile a list of healthy ways to deal with emotions. My daughter already claps her hands and stomps her feet, but this morning, she woke up grumpy, and she kicked her shoe and bit her pants!
It's a frustrating age, and I want some tools and strategies to help my daughter quickly learn to negotiate it. I already say to her "I don't care who started it, what matters is who participates. You can either walk away or tell the other person to leave you alone." Last week a little boy was trying to bug her and she successfully just told him to go away, even after he grabbed her piece of art work. It was a great moment, but I want all moments to be like this. It's hard, though, because we are around two little boys that are very aggressive. One even likes to punch my daughter in the stomach. She usually stays away from him, but I'd like to give her some other strategies for dealing with him.
Ideas and suggestions?
Cheryl, I homeschool, right? Well, a lot of kids with sensory issues, ADHD, etc. are homeschooled.
I have been thinking that might be a good idea to separate my child from a few of these boys. They aren't helping her learn verbal problem solving, at all. Thus why I was thinking of maybe incorporating some tools and strategies into our co-op. If the Kindness Jar works at home, I think I will see how other co-op members feel about using it at co-op. I was also recently reading about a "peace table," a place to send kids to verbally work out disagreements.
Just to be clear, my daughter has never said "I hate you" to me. In fact, she knows better to speak disrespectuflly towards us, and she also knows to make polite requests. The thing is, I do have a few friends with very lax parenting styles. Their kids do talk back. When my daughter tried sassing at 4.5, I quickly put a stop to it. When she tried throwing tantrums when she didn't get her way, I quickly put a stop to it. She does whine, because my mother and hubby respond to it, as does her peer group. Yesterday, for instance, she wanted to sit by a friend at story time. There was no space, o I tried to gether to sit behind her. My daughter whined about it to her friends until one of them moved so she could sit where she wnated! I see this happen all the time. I've discussed with her that though I love her, if she whines to me, I will walk away.
With that said,I do think 4.5-5 year olds get super frustrated. And this does cause them to get angry or upset. This has nothing to do with parenting style, but everything to do with their striving for full independency yet inability to be fully independent.
Things do happen to the boys when they are physical, and aggression and anger is NORMAL in kindergartners. Check this out: http://www.babycenter.com/0_aggression-why-it-happens-and...
In fact some of the most aggressive kids I know attend school! At our co-op, there are 10 kids and 5 adults. A lot more eyes then if they went to some school.
i have no suggestion my 6 year old girl is dramtic
things thats worked for when her and her cousin (same age) are arguing I make them stop and say 3 nice things about eachother. this ussually gets them giggllly and hugging again
that and if shes in a full on meltdown sending her to her room no matter whose fault the meltdown is
Here's my take on this, as another mom of a sometimes very frustrated five year old.:)
First, I do not do a ton of precorrecting, making lists, etc. I do try handle things in the moment, to give positive feedback, but I know that sometimes, for little kids, there can be a disconnect between all those fine plans they make when they are calm and what is happening for them when they are angry. So, do the listing activity (of alternatives to hurting/hitting when we are mad), and know that this is just one part of things. Much like parenting, for the individual, the theoretics and the practical reality of a situation can feel very different.
Let's not forget that their little brains are still developing and those emotions tend to filter through their 'lower', more primitive parts of their brains first. Hence, for some kids (mine too, who is sweet as pie much of the time), those angry emotions feel huge. And so they throw stuff, bite, hit, etc.
Mr Rogers has a great song you might want to use with your group. It's called "What do you do with the mad that you feel?" I love this song for kids, because it acknowledges both the enormity of their feelings AND offers playful solutions to channeling that energy. It empowers children to stop their angry actions, make a new plan, and to 'stop when I want to, stop when I wish...'. You could find the lyrics online.
My son has really been struggling with big feelings lately. Our house is being worked on, he's getting very little of me compared to what he usually gets, schoolwork is challenging (he has eye function issues).... So, I deal with a lot of stuff in the moment. Yesterday he threw some Tinkertoys at the wall because he was mad a playdate was ending. I acknowledged his disappointment, we removed the tinkertoys for a few days (because that's unsafe for self/others/property) and I asked him to help us find a way to end the playdate in a friendly way. I don't overtalk the feelings, just acknowledge them and let him know what the boundaries for treating other people/objects are.
Sometimes, I will tell him "you know, it seems like you want to be mad. Please go play in your room until you are ready to be friendly and kind again." This is one tactic I would use in your situation; acknowledge the feelings, then give the conditions ("you may play safely with your brother OR you may play in your room").
One thing we've done with our son is to start a 'blue dot' chart, which is really a visual acknowledgement of good attitude, cooperativeness, good follow-through--the traits we want to cultivate. We give him a blue dot for those good things we see, and we are fairly generous with them. "Wow! You got that coat on AND your zipper done with no fuss this morning! I know that zipper has been so pesky for you, and you did it just fine. That's three blue dots!" or "I really like how you set the table with no complaining today. That made it really pleasant for me. We'll put two blue dots on the chart." When we've charted 100 blue dots, (which is taking us about two weeks now; it used to take a while longer) then we do a fun thing as either a family, or him with one of us. We usually give him a choice of two fun, special things and this has worked SO well. And we don't offer blue dots (If you can do X, you can earn...) and we don't take them away or remind him 'oh, you could have had blue dots if...' . We try to keep it fun.
We need to remember that it does need to be okay for kids to kick a shoe sometimes. I think we (esp. as early childhood ed folks) forget that we don't want to label their anger or grumbling as 'bad' or something to be feared or repressed.. We need to remember that they are five and still very little kids in some respect. It seems like some posters on this thread have kids who really do deal well with their feelings-- keep in mind that some of this is parenting, and some is just the child's temperament, too.
I'll bet you'll get lots of great suggestions on this. Mine is that you read the most excellent little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Your daughter can actually help deal with this problem herself by brainstorming with you methods and techniques that SHE comes up with. These may help her more than corrections and suggestions coming from outside.
The parts of the brain that help with impulse control are developing, but will not actually be mature for years yet. So you will probably see improvement in fits and starts, and then failures now and then when your daughter's emotions have been overloaded, especially while she's tired, hungry, or already frustrated by something.
Love your Kindness Jar idea – I wish your family every success!
Emotions... are not age specific.
They ebb and flow and change and develop and morph, per age.
And it is constantly... developing. Even in Teens.
When my kids were 2 years old, I began teaching them communication and the names for feelings, ways they can express themselves to me, alternate ways of doing things, alternate ways of being frustrated etc. That EVERYONE has moods/frustrations, and there are MANY ways to cope. At 2 years old, one of the first large words I taught my daughter, was the word "compromise." And she understood. And it was a favorite word of hers to use, and she used it appropriately. Even to this day she remembers me teaching her that word.
Coping skills are not inherent or inborn, in a kid. Not even some adults, have those skills.
It is taught.
But for me, I did not use gimmicks or methods or any one thing. I just simply... always talked with my kids... in a chatting way, and reciprocally, with them. I'd talk and tell them stories about my life too and experiences, and how.... to maneuver through, things. When my son was only 3 years old for example, he knew his feelings/the words for it/ and he knew... the differences between him being "frustrated" or "grumpy" or "irritated." And he would tell me. Or if I noticed he was in a mood I would tell him "Are you feeling grumpy?" And he would tell me "No Mommy, I'm irritated..." And I would ask him why, and he would tell me. By doing this, the child gets "practice" in KNOWING THEMSELVES and their own cues... and that they can, tell their Mom. And talk about it. And he'd even tell me "I'm going over there, I want to be alone now..." if he was irritated. And then when he felt better, he'd come and tell me "Mommy I feel better now...." and hug me.
And with both my kids, again from 2 years old, I would show them or tell them about different ways they can do "frustrations." So that, in time... by the time they went to Preschool and school, they knew... themselves. And their own... cues. And different ways, to manage. Per their age.
And also at that age, knowing concepts: mad/glad, happy/sad, mean/nice, right/wrong etc. It is like a rudder... to guide them. And via role-playing with them and talking... about it.
And also asking them what they think, too. So that it shows them, that I am an "ear" for them too....
I also told my kids, that MOMMY.... gets frustrated and grumpy too. We all do. BUT... we try our best, to not take it out on others or family.
And even me, IF I am "grumpy" I will TELL my kids. ie: "Mommy is grumpy, I'm going to sit and deflate. So, give me 15 minutes... okay?" And my kids, understand.
My kids are 6 and 10 years old now. And they know themselves, very well and their own cues and moods. And this was my goal... for teaching them these things, from when they were 2 years old. Gradually in time... a child is like a rock collecting moss. And they need to know, themselves.
I didn't have a problem with my kids at 5 years old or their friends and emotions.
Looking forward to responses--my 4.5 year old DD seems to be going through this stage. I was trying to calm her down after she tossed the remote roughly when I told her time was up on her show. She said she was sorry and then immediately burst into tears and started tantrumming and ran upstairs. Tried to bring her back down after a bit and to hold her while we talked and she was inconsolably embarrassed while still furious at me at the same time. I've been using the Second Step curriculum in my daycare home and it is wonderful. Got it through a grant from the local referral agency. It cover skills for learning, emotions, empathy, management of feelings, friendship/problem solving skills, and transition to K.
http://www.secondstep.org/
Oh and too bad there are always the mamas on here that have no idea why a 5 year old would act in such a way...their children NEVER had these issues. Alot of us get it--having a child of a certain temperament is not easy and just because their children are a more easygoing sort they want to look down at other parents...annoying
Your daughter is "lashing out because of the anger of her peers!" What does that mean? Why are all the kids in your area so angry! I don't remember my GD or any of her friends being "angry" when they were five. I don't get it
I have a 5 year old with some sensory issues, etc. and his feelings are all over the place on top of just being 5. One thing we recently got was a giant bean bag. When he starts to spiral a bit (in either direction, spazzy happy and/or anxiety ridden or angry) he sits in the chair for a few minutes. It envelopes him and acts like a coccoon. Gives him time to breathe, and decompress. I can't get him to try yoga right now so this works, and I would imagine it works for all different kids.
When you said your daughter kicked her shoe and bit her pants I had to laugh because that is the same writing style Jamie Lee Curtis uses in her books, specifically Today I Feel Silly And Other Moods That Make My Day. It's a hilarious account of all of the feelings a little girl feels, getting fights with siblings, friends at school, embarrassing body issues (she gets the runs and is devastated) and how she deals and how it's okay. There is another one called It's Hard to be Five. We don't have that one though, but I have a lot of her books and they are all just fantastic, and so much fun for adults to read as well.
The newest thing I started to do with my son is when he starts to yell or whine or get a bit overly anxious I tell him when he starts to feel "funny" inside, it's okay to tell us he is angry to us. He actually says angry TO us instead of AT us and I let him, because I figure he feels that way towards us in his mind, so we roll with it. Anyway, when I say no, or if he has to do something he doesn't want, instead of flaking out, he says he is angry to us, and then we talk about it. Usually he is still angry because he doesn't get his way, but he slowed down enough to know he feels angry, and to tell us instead of show us.
And finally, last but not least, we have been forced to re-evaluate how WE handle frustration and anger, even small stuff like dropping an egg on the floor or burning myself on the stove or tripping over the cat. All comical in my mind, but when he sees it, I am sure there is steam coming out of my ears. Monkey see monkey do.
You sound like you are really getting a grip on your daughters feelings and that is so great, because there are so many kids out there who are just so angry and sad and act so quickly on impulse. What's scarier is that parents aren't equipped or just don't help. Right on, mom!
xo,
A.
Well, one of the things I am doing with my DD (who is 4.5) is to get her to think things through. If she immediately starts to yell, she is not hearing what else is being said. Use your words. Use words nicely. Be a detective and listen and figure out what people are saying. Use words to explain what you feel or want. Go somewhere to calm down if you need to. Apologize if you need to. I'm not sure it's that she's 4ish and anyone is any more angry than ever. If your DD is lashing out b/c of her peer group, I'd also take a look at that group. What is going on in that class?
If she is being hit by someone in school, the teacher should know. It's one thing to tell her to sort out an artwork squabble. It's another when he punches her in retaliation. The teacher needs to address that. If the teacher does not, then she's allowing bully behavior in her class - which may be part of the angst in the peer group.
Honestly what you are describing sounds more typical for a 3 or 4 year old. Usually by 5 MOST kids deal with their emotions and impulse control fairly well, hence the beginning of kindergarten. By this I mean they are able to function pretty happily and without incident in group environments, preschool, daycare, playgroups, etc. And I must say WHY are you "around" a little boy who likes to punch your daughter in the stomach? That just baffles me, what is THAT about? We never hung out with kids like that, and if they showed up at school my kids stayed far away from them :-(
Any-who, sure, some kids are less mature and need a little more time, and if that seems to be the case then your daughter may benefit GREATLY by being enrolled in a structured program, away from home. It's good for her not only to learn and understand what is acceptable at home, but also what is expected in the bigger world as well, and to be in an environment where both adults and children are taught to treat each other with respect. A place where punching and name calling is never, ever okay.
Your daughter should not be dealing with a little boy who likes to punch her in the stomach. That is just wrong on so many levels. If she was in a school/daycare setting this kind of behavior would not be tolerated. The only time hitting is "acceptable" is either with a very young (like 2/3 year old) child who is still learning how to use his words, or a developmentally delayed child who has language and/or impulse control issues. If she was at school the teachers and staff would be looking out for her, but since she's not it's up to you.
She doesn't need a "kindness" jar she needs a safe and loving environment where the adults provide clear rules and boundaries. This is a wonderful age, a time when most children are, for the most part, happy and eager to learn and to please. No wonder she is angry and frustrated. The best way to teach her how to be kind and empathetic is to surround her with people who hold and practice those values.
