Helping a Teen Through the Death of His Father

Hi M.,

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I have a few suggestions that I hope you will find helpful. I would consider speaking with the counselor and asking for your son to be put on medical leave so he can do homestudy. When he is ready he can go back to school. But I think its more important to let him grieve and take the time that he needs now. Also, I would get a grief/berevement counselor to speak with you individually and your son as well. Do you have a church family? If not, go out and seek one that will meet your needs. You need as much support and love that you can have right now.

Hang in there. You are doing an amazing job and I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

You are not over reacting, he is not progressing through his grief. Everyone grieves differently, and as long as he are progressing through the grief however slowly (barring damaging self or others), it's okay. But when progression stops entirely, like continuing to miss school and insomnia, he needs help. Grief counselors specialize in this kind of help, and would also probably help you too.
Also, check with your school district on attendance policies. They might sympathize with you but there are some iron clad limits that are tied to funding and cannot be budged.

Oh dear, I am so very sorry. My heart goes out to your family. It's a hard thing at any age, for a child to lose their parent. Teenage years, are especially hard. I strongly urge you to find a counselor, for your son and yourself. (If you have any other children, them as well.) This is a very hard time, and impartial professionals, can really help.

I'm so sorry. Unfortunately, time often lessens wounds. I hope he starts to feel a little better soon.

I am so sorry. Is there another trusted man in his life that may be able to talk to him? He may have a hard time opening up to you because he knows how much you are hurting also and he may be trying to protect your feelings. My brother was a teenager when my dad died and they were very, very close. My brother also had a hard time and even became VERY angry. Luckily my uncle and just time passing did help. Continue to keep in close contact with the school and mabey find out if he can do his work from home for a semester without falling behind. I would also look into family counseling as all of you are in pain. Again, I am so sorry for your families loss.

You both need to find a grief counselor. And sooner than later!

I'm really sorry that this happened so suddenly. How are YOU? Do you have local support, too?

I think your family could benefit from grief counseling.My uncle was killed in a motorcycle accident and my younger cousin was about your son's age at the time. She really had a lot to work through. It's a formative time. If he can't go to school, is there any provision for a tutor to come to him? You need to be speaking to the school about how to handle your son's grief and his education. If he doesn't retake the year, what about summer school? Is there anything the guidance office can do? Maybe make themselves more available? I know I worried more about my mom when a classmate's mom died.

Hang in there.

First, I am so sorry for your loss. I know it cannot be easy for any of you.

Second, I would definitely recommend some counseling for ALL of you. Death is never easy to deal with but when it's sudden like this, it's even harder. I know, because I lost my Mom suddenly to a massive stroke. We had all been together for a wonderful Father's Day celebration; I called 911 at 6 a.m. the next morning and she was gone 18 hours later. I literally walked out of the hospital in a daze and just stood there asking, "what the hell just happened?" My Father never did recover and went to be with her several months later:(

PLEASE, please get some counseling.

As for school, he'll probably have to re-take the ninth grade. The school may be acting supportive right now but check the school policies/handbook; the district has rules that they have to adhere to. I know for my kids' school if you miss a certain number of days, no matter what the reason, they would have to re-take that whole year.

God bless!!!

I agree about a grief counselor.. Your son is in shock and has fallen into drepression..Both very understandable, but he needs professional help fr his mental health.. At 14.... This major life tragedy in his life, will now be dependent on the type of guidance he will now receive...

FYI..high school counselors are usually more Academic Counselors..than any other type of counselor....

Call your local Hospice Group or your family physician and get a reference to an actual grief counselor.. Here in Austin the hoice group has teen groups that meet as well as family groups that meet.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, M.. I admire your strength for your son through what has to also be a very difficult time for you... it must seem like you haven't had time to grieve. If the school counselor is the only one he's seen, it might be time to consider getting a family therapist to help you all as a family as well as one on one.

I might also give your son a time frame on when you expect him to start attending school regularly again. He needs stability and routine and predictability more than ever now, and something to occupy his time. And of course he needs time with you, his Mama. Siblings, if he has any. Reassure him that you're not going anywhere. What happened to his Dad wasn't his fault or something he could predict.

You're a wonderful mother, and your son is so lucky to have you. I wish I could send a hug.

I'm so sorry for your sudden loss. When I was a sophmore in HS my grandfather died who I was really close to. I was given probably three days off of school then made to go back. At the time I felt it was cruel and initially unbearable. But now that I am an adult I realize that it was TOTALLY the right thing for my parents to do. It got me back in a routine. it helped me to realize that life does go on after someone you love dies and that you cannot let it swallow you up. it also allowed me to get support from my friends which was totally necessary for my getting better. I HIGHLY recommend that you get your kid to school whether he likes it or not. By continuing to keep him out of school you are only reinforcing that death is a terrible horrible thing that you need to put your life on hold and dig yourself into a deep hole emotionally and academically. I wish you the best! Keep the lines of communication open - when he wants to talk he will come to you if you are open to it.

That is awful...I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my own mother from leukemia when I was 17. Although it wasn't as sudden as your situation, it was only a few short weeks between her diagnosis and her death.

Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other and rinse/repeat. He has to get back to a routine and make his new normal. So,yes you should be encouraging him to go back to school. It is wonderful that you are working with the school and they have been supportive. But realistically, he can only miss so much school before he is in danger of failing. That is definitely not what your husband would have wanted.

Perhaps a therapist would be helpful to him. I truly needed someone to talk to when my Mom died and I never had that support group around me. I remember having trouble sleeping.

I also remember going to bed and not knowing how the hell I would be able to get up and get through the next day...somehow you just do. It doesn't necessarily get better...but it does get easier to manage your grief.

So sorry for your loss. How very sad. I think some grief counseling would help tremendously. I think he needs to go to school. He needs routine and he needs his friends. If you show him you are trying to do the same, hopefully he will follow. It is a terrible situation; one that warrants burying your head, but in reality we know you cannot do that. Keep encouraging him to go. Staying home makes it worse. It will get better. I will not say time heals because I do not think it does. Time just allows you to adjust to your new life. I will keep you both in my prayers. God bless.