Helping Daughter and Myself Deal with a Difficult Situation with Her Best Friend

I agree with Doris Day 1000%.

Her mom's behavior would make me very reluctant to take on more responsibility for this child alone on a trip or any other extended period of time. At this point I'm scared to get texts from these two. Goodness knows what her mom will believe next. Can you imagine when they get to high school?

If I'm you I'm disengaging from this duo before these girls get much older. We can still be nice and friendly - from a distance.

JMO.

I would just take a break from the whole family for a while and let things cool off. Then when they see each other again, maybe they can be nice and appreciate the friendship more. Good luck.

The 12 year old is 12. The mother isn't and is being ridiculous. If it comes up again I would say "at this point my feelings are hurt. After all the years we've been friends and treated each other well, that you guys think we would do this intentionally at all is hurtful to me. I have apologized for my mistake and it was just that. A mistake." Then let the mother apologize to you! If she doesn't, I have to take a break from them. For goodness sakes. I'm sure you incurred plenty of expenses taking the daughter on vacation with you! And you're inconsiderate?

To me this is an OMG settle down moment. Even if the girl wears the same dress as your daughter, they can accessorize differently. It might look cute to see best friends in matching outfits.

To consider all the things they could have differences about matching dress is really a small thing. They aren't crushing on the same boy, they aren't covering for each other concerning drinking or drugs.... jeesh the world is bigger than one dress.

The other mom needs to get a grip.

Even if you did get a dress she thought was cute *but had no intention of ordering for herself* what in the world is the problem with that?

And it sounds like her mom is adding fuel to the fire with her paranoia. After you explained and apologized the first time she should have told her daughter it was a mistake, it's just a dress, and not worth loss of a friendship.

You did nothing wrong. Your daughter did nothing wrong. Continue on with your life and hope that the girls can work it out.

Stop apologizing! You don't owe it to the mom or to the girl. In fact, they should both apologize to you for their horrible behavior and attitudes.

It will only get worse from here if you give this behavior a free pass. You need to stop bowing and scraping to these drama queens and start saying "I already apologized. You need to let it go and move on." Your daughter also needs to be able to stand up to her friend and tell her to stop already.

If they won't let it go, you'll probably need to put an end to the friendships.

I think, really and truly, that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. The mother sounds just like her daughter, so it's pretty obvious that the girl takes after the mom and the mom fosters this kind of behavior.

You groveled quite enough. That mom didn't need to keep saying how much her daughter was hurt. To keep saying that while you were apologizing was punishing you and was rude. She's a drama queen too.

If this mother were a good example for her daughter, she would have said to her daughter that there was obviously a misunderstanding and you had already apologized. For that mother to tell you that the daughter had "evidence" that you were lying is WRONG. Slamming it in your face over and over is beyond the pale.

Get through this week and this event, and then NO MORE. I would never have that girl over again. Your daughter does not need this kind of friend.

If you do allow her over, you're going to end up walking on eggshells around her. You might not mean to, but that's what will happen.

I especially wouldn't want to have anything else to do with that mom.

oh geez, so much drama.
i think i'd close the door firmly on this one. you've explained, apologized (far more than necessary) and now it's time to let them fitz and fume if they want. tell your daughter calmly that you've both done all you can to defuse the situation and that it's time to move on. help your daughter do what she needs to on her end to create a good boundary, whether it's refusing to return texts or spending time with other friends or whatever she needs to do.
don't escalate it in your daughter's mind by over-talking it. obviously you need to be there as a sounding board for her, but keep your tone light and no-nonsense and make sure you're not wallowing. (it's hard not to wallow sometimes when the adrenaline is pumping!)
it sounds as if the other mom is one of the ones who can't stay out of her kids' hormone-induced passion plays. decline the invitation to participate.
khairete
S.

It kind of sounds like too much friends togetherness. However, the dress thing was shown to you a good six weeks prior. How can anyone remember that far back anymore? If she really wanted the dress, her mom should have ordered the dress then and the problem would have been solved.

Since your daughter did not see the dress and know the situation there is nothing you should apologize for. You did to be nice now let it go. This is a life situation with real consequences and learning for each of you. Do you want to mom to be a friend anymore? Does your daughter want the girl as a friend anymore? If either of you answer no then move on. Life is too short for all the drama and the daughter's true colors were exposed on the trip. Right now emotions are raw and need to settle down more on the mom and daughter's side not yours.

It might take a bit on each side to mend the fence but the relationship will never be the same. Remember friends are for reasons and seasons some are long and some are short. It is not the end of the world if it should end.

After the next week's event, take a long needed break from them both. Find yourselves and find new friends and move on.

the other S.

PS It will hurt in the beginning but it I will heal. Good vibes to you both. Besides who needs all that extra drama in their lives?

If i read this correctly, then: The dress was never on the list of possible ones the girl was going to get?

She and your daughter are not wearing identical dresses to the same event? There was never any chance that they would end up in identical dresses at the same event? ALL the drama is over the idea that "If I can't have what I want, YOU can't have what I want either"?

And the MOM kept telling you over and over how hurt her child was though mom knew perfectly well that this specific dress was never, ever one mom was going to purchase?

Mom is the real drama queen and does not even have the excuse of being twelve. The fact that mom did not simply tell her princess to zip it and stop denying her supposed best friend what princess couldn't have -- that's very telling. I would seriously reconsider your own friendship with mom here; think hard--have there been other times, other signs that mom is going to side with her kid no matter what? That she considers her child always in the right and takes her word for everything as gospel? That she caves to daughter's emotions and complaints?

Mom did all those things here and none is a good sign that mom is the one in control. Think it through. If mom has a tendency to do this at other times, I don't think either of them is a pair for your or your child to be around. A girl who would tell my daughter (about the same age as yours) "You are awful and hurt me for wearing what I liked but can't have" is not a kid I really want her seeing much.

You are careful to say more than once that the two girls have this "special relationship" that's ever so close, but again--think hard about whether this is just the over-exposure of the trip talking, or if you think there is a pattern of the girl being this self-centered and the mom letting her get away with it and actually backing her up on it. That would be a red flag to me that both of them are dramatic, and that gets worse, not better, in the teen years.

As for your own actions -- you did NOTHING wrong at all and neither did your daughter. You went a long way, maybe too far, in being apologetic to both of them. This is such a tiny thing but the other mom, rather than just nipping it and telling her child to stop being so petty and babyish, played into her child's attitude. That would put me on alert, and the next time it happens would be the last time we'd be taking that kid anywhere, no matter how much I loved the kid.

This sounds SO like twelve-year-old girls... and mama bears. And it illustrates the old maxim that familiarity can breed contempt.

Treat the girl as you usually do. Take the high road. You know what her personality is like already. You don't have to behave that way, or have that behavior control your responses.

I guess your daughter needs to decide whether she is going to wear THE DRESS or not. She would seem like a wimp (an extravagant one) if she didn't, but, on the other hand, she may make the choice to put her friend's feelings first. That's up to her and to you. I don't think either choice would be inappropriate. (That's convoluted, isn't it? I mean either choice would be OK.)

Her mom went way over the top with you. That mother and daughter are both quite upset, and they want you and your daughter to feel guilty. They may not realize that you two get to decide how guilty you really want to feel.

It's just a dress. Everyone has blown it way out of proportion.

Unless you ordered the same dress as this girl and the girls are going to show up matching, you did nothing wrong. It was an honest mistake and you apologized. They are being unreasonable. If it was my daughter I would have told her to calm the heck down and did she want to lose a friend over something as dumb as a dress?

I understand all the togetherness and getting on each others nerves, this happened last year when we took my husband's twin, who we love, on vacation with us for a week. Too much togetherness isn't always a good thing. :)

So it's not like the other girl's mother ordered the dress for her too, right? Honest mistake on your part and you apologized. Everyone needs to move on. What really gets me is that the girl's mother is missing the point that nobody in the world can own something her daughter wants or likes. Oy! That's life and at some point, she has to get over it.

They are both being irrational, sounds like the daughter runs that household. Even if you knew she liked the dress, you also knew she was buying local and wasn't getting it. What kind of a friend gets mad because someone buys a dress she only LIKES? Too bad the mom didn't use this as a learning experience for her daughter and instead chose to validate her anger by coming to you to complain. I think you handled it very mature, and gave your own daughter good advice. I hope they work it out.

I don't think you did anything wrong, T.. Stepping back is probably the best thing to do just now. At some point, the mother and daughter may be able to come to their senses. It's quite possible that the mom never worked out how to deal with her daughter's disappointments, and is feeling pressure to fix it. She's not doing this with any grace; nevertheless, she might be acting out of the pickle she feels she's in.

I have only one suggestion for your future communications with the daughter or the mother – PLEASE don't make the common mistake of suggesting they "need to" do or feel or understand whatever they don't. The fact is, they don't "need to" do anything they aren't feeling a need to do.

You are expressing your own (valid) need, and you may be the only one, at this point, who needs to understand the whole story. It could be a useful part of a conversation for you to express how you experienced YOUR needs (for clarity, understanding, honest sharing of feelings) when you learned about the misunderstanding. This is part of a process called Non-Violent Communication (google it) that can be very useful in healing rifts.

At some point they may be able to understand your perspective, but until then, telling another person what they "need to" is more likely to slow down resolution than enhance it.

I sure do wish you well. You sound like a woman I'd be happy to be friends with.

I don't think you did anything wrong. There has to be something else going on. I would just let this resolve itself. Unless the girl said she absolutely loved the dress but mom said she could not have it then why couldn't your daughter. Of course, you would probably remember it.

It is like showing you a catalog and telling you not to order anything because I like it all. Or going to the store and saying I like a blouse and you cannot have it.

First of all, the friend's mother is not helping by having this discussion with you via text. Same with the friend who sends links and then there's no face to face conversation. In retrospect, it might have made sense to ask the girl if she was ordering a dress since you didn't want to get the same thing. However, the high level of drama is on top of the drama of the vacation week, during which the girl did not want to behave like a member of the family or a polite guest. So it's all about her, and the mother has confirmed that.

Next, show your daughter the classic I Love Lucy episode in which Lucy and Ethel bought the same dress for a performance of the classic "Friendship" song. 60 years ago, the same thing was going on but Lucy and Ethel, in many episodes, managed to get over their fights and realize that friendship was more important than who irritated whom. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z88w0hV074I

The other mother is in for a hell of a time during the teen years if she buys into the drama. Your best bet is to let it go now that you have apologized, and to teach your daughter about priorities so that you don't have more of these episodes from her, and so she learns to work things out with her friend.

Yes, you bought the dress on line, but how would it be any different if both families went to the local department store and came home with the same dress? You get over it.

Maybe have your daughter get involved with some volunteer work or doing a collection for an agency serving economically-deprived kids, collecting GOOD clothing or toys in good condition, or helping to provide toiletry good bags for homeless or battered women's shelters. She could get a few kids involved - it might give everyone some perspective on what really matters, and about who's really deprived in this world.

That story reminds me of when I took my best friend on a trip in 8th grade. By the end of the trip I found her extremely annoying and pretended to sleep the entire way back so I didn't have to talk to her anymore. Now if I had been annoyed by her and found out when we got home that she had ordered the same dress I had I think that would have been icing on the cake. I think she is upset but will get over it eventually. The only thing I could have seen you do differently is to offer them to buy the dress from you (assuming they are the same size) then you find a different one just to make the situation calmer. I am sure that the 12 year old girl emotions are in play here. Although if someone did that to my daughter I think I would have dealt with it differently than her mom did too. But I guess I am pretty passive.

I guess, if trying to learn something from the experience, it would help next time to listen to her and chat with her when you look at the link she sent. It was important to her and you sort of blew her off. If they are so close there's no reason they wouldn't have been talking about their dresses all along. Even sharing the link and looking at the dresses back and forth.

I can't imagine not telling my best friend about this cool dress I found for the event and wait until she sees it in the catalog.

My bff would have seen the picture a dozen times and helped me plan my jewelry, hair, makeup, shoes, nail polish and more. All from the picture of the dress. I can't imagine them not visiting about their dresses. I'm so sorry this happened to them.

your daughters "friend" has a serious problem, you need to keep this "friend" of hers away from your kid. her screaming at your kid because she DARED to order a dress on line that the other girl "just happened" to decide she wanted is a big RED flag that this other girl has got some serious jealousy issues that have the potential to harm your kid..put some serious distance between your kid and this "friend" of hers ..it aint about the dress, its about the fact that her "friend" doesnt want her to have the nice dress..K. h.