Helping Husband and Step-son Resect Each Other and Have a Healthy Relationship

This is one of the toughest things for blended/step families. No matter how much love and support your son gets from his step-dad, he will always idolize his "real" dad -- even if the real dad were a schmuck. It's because he WANTS his real dad to be perfect. that's just the way it is. (And, yes, I am in a blended family, too)

There are a number of things going on here. For one, you and your son were, "me and you against the world" before you remarried. That got severed and he got displaced by a new spouse.

On top of that, the new spouse came with a new set of rules, and probably some unreal expectations of how children should behave. That's normal for someone who jumps into parenting mid-stream.

Add that to the normal reaction of idolizing the bio-parent and not wanting to like the step-parent, and it's kind of hard even in the best of times.

But what's most important is that the relationship that guides the family be in tact. You can't do anything to make your husband and son get along -- that's between the two of them, and most likely they are both mentally tearing their hair out -- one in frustration because the little guy is constantly challenging him, and the other because he just doesn't want that big guy in his life. And you get caught in the middle -- something your son is unconsciously working on. (it's called triangulation, and if he splits the two of you up, he regains a position of power in the family system -- it's routine with all children, even in families where both bio-parents are present, so don't blame your son for that. It's the old, Mom can I? no. go to dad, and say, "Dad can I?" thing)

So, for starters, work on the relationship with your spouse. The team at the top needs to be secure before anyone in the family has any security at all within the home. Plan some time away from all the kids, go to a park or something and walk around together, enjoy the scenery, and open your mouth and tell him that you are feeling pulled apart by what is going on at home. Don't BLAME him, he's probably doing his best, and he's frustrated with the situation. Be sure he knows you are frustrated, too, and you want your family unit to succeed. You want to stay together. (men are kind of fragile at this point, and if you sound at all critical, he'll withdraw or get angry to protect his emotions.)

See if together you can list the behaviors (not attitudes, not emotions, but BEHAVIORS) of your oldest that are positive and what is negative. Come up with a method of dealing with the negative behaviors that is fair and is something both of you agree on. Be a team. Agree on the course you set, and stick to it, evaluate it again in a month to see if it's helping or not.

And about emotions? They come and go. The times when your son returns from his dad's home are going to be the hardest, every single time -- his emotions and his sense of loss are going to be the most poignant when he's in transition. He is feeling torn apart, both when he leaves home to go to Dad's, and when he returns to not be with Dad. Be sure he is aware that you understand that, and give him extra emotional support and space during those interfaces. I used to HATE the first week after my kids returned from visiting any of my Ex-family. It was difficult at best, until everyone got back into a routine.

Make time to let him know that you care about his emotions, and his sense of loss (in 6 yr old logic, not adult words), AND that his behavior still needs to meet certain standards when he is at your house. You aren't disciplining him to be "mean", you love him, and you want him to behave in appropriate ways. That said, offer him something else to do -- perhaps build with legos in his own room, if he needs emotional space -- join him, without the step-bros and withoud the step-dad and build something together, because he'll be able to talk more when his hands are busy, than he would otherwise. If you try something like this, ask questions about things he did while he was at Dad's. No value judgements, just listen, or just build things without talking --even if you build separate items. Try to make his transition easier for him to deal with, and I think he'll be able to deal with the relationships in "your" home better than otherwise.

And allow him the freedom to idolize his dad. that's okay. Even if he's a schmuck. My oldest thinks the world of her dad even though he patently ignored her all through high school and most of college. His wife didn't like her. At all. The next one down really loves her step-dad and she just couldn't shovel the wrongs her bio-dad did under the carpet when he changed his tune and began to want to be a parent to the girls who were then 22 and 24. (kind of too late to my mind) But you know what ? He has cancer now, and while he's in chemo, I assume he is probably dying . . . and that puts all the ugly stuff in the realm of water over the dam -- it's gone, you can't change those years, you can't undo the wrongs . . but in the end, when someone is dying, they don't matter in the same way -- time changes lots of things, and at my ripe old age, looking backward, it's easy to say, hang in there . . .

What's hard is to work through the issues this situation brings between you and your husband. Try to keep those issues outside that circle -- find ways to enjoy each other, to live and love, and to struggle together, rather than let the circumstances in your lives divide you.

If necessary, build the plan together, but YOU take over disciplining your son. That way the discipline doesn't cause a divide between you and your husband, and it doesn't cause him to hate his step-dad -- his anger will be directed at you, but his relationship is stronger with you. Allow him and step-dad to build more positive ways of relating, so they respect each other prior to having step-dad disciplining him. (even if it's been happening for 6 years now) Remove the stumbling blocks, encourage them to do positive things together, and help them to respect each other -- then the discipline will become a more natural part of the relationship and the jealousy between the biological kids and the step-kid will begin to ease as well.

I wish you the best. It is a hard thing to deal with, but if you can create a team at the top, you will survive emotionally, and so wille everyone else. You will also avoid the heartache of having two such situations, because there will be 2 divorces. And that's no fun at all. This is a way big challenge, but it's surmountable. And when you've climbed the mountain and see the scenery from up there, it'll be WAY worth it. :-)

Hi J.,
I'm sure it's tough with a blended family.
Unfortunately, the casualties of any divorce are the kids, as you can see.
What good would leaving him do? It may create another batch of displaced kids: your twins.
If I were you, I would find, RUN to and INSIST on family counseling.
Your hubby needs to see that he mustn't hold anything against your son for who his father is. He is YOUR son and he married YOU. Your son was part of that deal.
All rules need to apply equally to ALL kids in the house.
Your son needs to agree that like him or not, his stepfather IS his stepfather and needs to be treated with respect. That in turn will get him respect.
Your husband needs to put his own selfish feelings aside for the good of your son. Adolescence is exactly the time a boy can't have too many positive role models in his life. Can your husband spend some O.-on-O. time with your son doing something they both enjoy? Golf, fishing, car shows, whatever?
You are experiencing the kind of anger all mothers feel when they see their kids being treated unfairly, you just happen to be married to the perpetrator.
This may be more than you all can handle on your own and I would look for a good family therapist. Maybe your hubby can also work on his attitude about your ex. After all, all of you guys are going to be linked via your son for a while more.
Does your husband even know that you fell this way? You need to talk to him about it O.-on-O. as soon as you can. If not, it will only get worse.
Good luck to your family!

I agree that counseling is a must-- the sooner the better. And I have to say that I (respectfully) disagree with Donna. You son (all your kids, really) have to come first. You chose to remarry when you had a child, and you owe it to your oldest son to make sure he is in a house where he is loved and respected. That, of course, also means that he must at least respect his stepfather, but honestly, your husband does not sound like he's really all that deserving of respect from your son. Kids are very smart and understand when they are not wanted.

A professional will be able to help you sort this out. Hopefully, when your new husband is presented with a clearer picture of the situation, his attitude will change, but, as you said, this has been going on for 6 years, and all of you need to accept your responsibility in this matter. But you have to keep in mind who the adults are, and expect them to act like it. How else can children learn?

Son sounds like he rebelling and understandable as he is going through puberty but still he needs to know that rules are to be followed. your hubby needs a good talking to that he needs to make time for your son and do something fun and not just be negative. Your son feels like the younger ones are the favs and any attention even negative is what he is craving.

Talk to each seperate and then sit them both down and say how to compromise. Might need to see family therapist to work out the kinks, remember it took 6 years to get this way won't change overnight.

J....I know exactly where your at! I have been remaried for almost 7 years, after a 20 year marriage. My kids are now 27, 22, and 14...my step son is 16. It is the hardest thing you will ever do, and it is a constant struggle. Saying that, it is also the most rewarding thing you will ever do! Barbie had a lot of really good advice for you. Mine is a very long story, and it is way to long to post here. It has been a roller coaster road, to say the least! The 14, and 16 year old are still living at home. They now have a very good relationship. My husband and I were just saying last night, that we are so blessed with two kids as great as they are! But, we didn't get there overnight! I would HIGHLY suggest that you get some counceling. We both went into this marriage thinking that we knew what we were doing! We found out differently! There are so many things playing in a blended family, that it can make your head spin! Each person has their own preception of how things should play out, and each person brings their own pain to the table. We listened to a tape series by Ron Deal, on blended families, I highly recommend it. It brings up things that each person is going through, that we are not aware of, and it gives great insight, on how to deal with it.

Like I said, mine is a long story, and some of it is not pretty! If you would like to talk to me, I would love the opportunitly to share some of the "wisdom" we have gained through the years of, trial and error. You can e-mail me at ____@____.com, and we can go from there. And, anyone else who sees this post, and would like to talk. This is tough stuff, and there is not much support out there. Our kids suffer from our mistakes, and if we can make it any easier on them, we owe that to them. And, if your like me, I didn't want another failed marriage!!
D.

Don't divorce him or get separated over it, you'll only make it worse for yourself and your other sons (custody battle, loss of respect for you on the part of ALL your sons - trust me, I've seen it). Besides, separation would only divide your legal entity from him, it doesn't really DO anything at all, unless you really are paving the way for divorce, but otherwise it makes no difference in anything - except to take away rights you would normally have as his wife, you don't get that if you're separated, do you see what I mean?
Get counseling if you think it would help, but the problem is not in your marriage, it's in your family. If you love your husband then that's it, period, you love him, if you're "falling out of love" with someone "over something" if that something is ANYTHING other than who he is and the nature of his character (which is what anyone should be in love with in the first place) then ask yourself this: if you are falling in and out of love with someone over something other than the nature of who they are, did you really ever love them to begin with? Were you ever in love with THEM in the first place? Just think about that, okay.
You aren't going to win anything by further breaking up your family (again) so don't do it.
Get family counseling, have it out about your feelings and perceptions with your husband (in a civilized manner, of course, no yelling and no throwing things), call him out on the BS but DO NOT be accusatory.
It could be as I've said in other requests, some people just have no love for each other because of the roles that they fill, not for who they are, and what you need to do is work your damnedest to get the people in your family over that. Have family activities that interest your husband and sons, have them share time together over mutual interest.
You need to let your husband know that you will not tolerate unseemly conduct from him as a step-parent, no wicked step-fathers, period. Likewise, make sure that your son takes the high road and conducts himself well also, and if there's bull**** going on, call them out and have it resolved, life's too short for drama.

Good luck, I hope any of this helps. Here's a virtual hug, I think you need it. **HUG!** ;)

J. - Please don't "side with" your husband against your son. Especially if he is wrong! This will surely leave your son out in the cold. I'm sure that no one is a villian here, it's a very difficult situation.

Your husband is not his father, he is merely the man you chose and your son has to live with. Your son needs to be what all kids need to be as far as behavior. But you need to be the sole decider of what that is. You alone need to parent him as far as discipline, boundries, rewards etc. Your husband being the decider is really not fair- you said so yourself with the way your husband views his own children differently.

I was in family counseling as a child with the exact same problem. The counselor told us the same thing. I've heard Dr.Phil tell many blended families in turmoil the same as well.

Of course you should try to save your marriage! Just don't sacrifice your son to do it. As far as your son is concerned, your husband doesn't have the right to assume the rights of fathering. Professionals seem to agree. The bonds formed in early childhood are not there. The mutual uncondtional love is not there. It's not going to work that way. You need to take over and hopefully your husband will be mature enough to support YOU with that for the betterment of the family. He may feel demoted from ruling the roost. But, the alternative is going down a path where they both behave progressivly worse until one of them is sqweezed out. I will pray for your family to work this out. Having lived through this I feel for you and your children.

Hi J.,

First of all, love your husband. Your son is evidently playing you. Your son appears to be in control of the household and you need to side with your husband.

Whether he is right or wrong.

Contact the Family Group Decision Making Conferencing coordinator at ###-###-####

to see if you all can find out what you need to get along.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.