High Schooler in Trouble Almost Failing

If I were you I would sit down with him and ask him what he is really rebelling against or what is really bothering him. Maybe there is something else more deep rooted into why he is behaving this way. Is he hanging out with anyone different than he was before? GOOD LUCK!! I hope this helps!!

When I was 13 I started wearing black clothes and dying my hair. I was always at war with my parents and they hurt me a lot verbally and emotionally trying to get me out of this "phase I was going through". That was over 10 years ago and I still have purple hair and tattoos and piercings. I am also a kind, and hardworking mother.
Once my mother stopped battling me about my appearance our relationship got so much better. We are still very close to this day, and she has come to love having such a free spirited daughter. The way your son dresses may be just a phase, or it may be just who he is and will be his whole life. His appearance does not make him a failure in society.
As far as the school thing goes, this is most likely a phase. He wants to find his place in the world through alternative methods and not just take what is spoonfed to him. He will realize on his own that success is something that has to be worked toward and he will do so his own way when the time is right. It will be so much easier for him to figure out his path if he has supportive parents. I'm not telling you to let him go out and party all night or do anything that may endanger him, but if he's not being ragged on about his appearance and lifestyle, he may be able to put some energy into discovering his niche and heading towards a goal.
You cannot change who he is. Medication and therapy cannot change who he is. What can change is your future relationship with him. If you want to have a good relationship with your son, it is important to pick your battles. Once a better relationship has been established, the trust will follow and he will look to you for guidance rather than shun your every word.

I feel for you and your situation. How YOU're still standing, is amazing to me!

My mother always told me that she wasn't there to be my friend, she was there to guide me to make the right decisions for myself. If he thinks you're being a "B" because you care enough to "demand" that he get his act together thats fine, but you're his mother and he shouldn't be using that kind of language with you in the first place. I cannot count the number of times I thought that about my mother when I was 18...but she stood her ground and I thank her for it now.

I would agree that counseling would probably help since he lost his sisters and dad has been injured...it has to have had an effect on him. Maybe he thinks that "it doesn't matter" anymore now that his sisters are gone.

Get some help for him and yourself so you can learn to communicate better and remember that in the end, he has to make the decisions for himself...and live with the consequences - good or bad.

I am no mother of a teenager, but I was a teenager just a few years ago. I know how hard it is to try to "fit" in. I never "fit" in at school. I got picked on and joked about ALL the time. So I decided that if I started dressing sexy that people would like me. Well, they only liked and wanted the body they saw. I know now that was the wrong decision. But when you are a teenager you want to FIT in. Your son might be greiving in a defferent way for the lose of his sisters. I lost my mom when I was 2 yrs old, then I lost my dad when I was 12 yrs old. Then when I was 13 not even a year after my dad died I lost my grandfather (dad's dad my father figure), then about 2 months after my grandfather died, I starting getting raped at age 14. I got raped every day by my step brother who was in his 30's. I did not know how tell anyone. I just felt like I was on my own. So I finally told a family member that I was being raped and they told me that I was just making things up for attention. So no one ever believed me. I had to go thru school from the 9th grade until I was 19 holding everthing in and dealing with it on my own. The point I am trying to make is that your son might think that he has no one to turn to and tell them how he feels about losing his sisters. Maybe he is expressing it in the way he dresses, and maybe he is doing bad in school just to see if any one is paying attention to him and if they really care. I'm not saying that you do not care, but maybe he wants you to tell him ALL the time even if you already do tell him ALL the time. Just always remember that even if he is rebelling it might be for a cry of help. I agree with the other peoples responses. Talk to his counselor at school. See if you can find out what is going on.

I wish you good luck. I also hope that you guys have a Merry Christams

Hi T.,

First off I want to commend you for still standing... you may be doing it just barely or shaking the whole time, but you are by the grace of God still standing.

I've read the other posts and think everyone has a valid point and excellent suggestions, there are different strategies to adopt and I'd definately get him dx'd and some counseling.... but here's something I want to add: have him volunteer at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen or entity that services people who have nothing, make barely enough to survive or are dealing with mental issues.

These three cover three important issues he needs to address -- (1) failing school means he could set himself up for failure and possibly homelessness because most jobs today require at least a high school diploma once you are over 16, (2) shows him how people who only have enough money to cover the basics have to rely on the genorosity of the government, agencies or donations to survive; and (3) if mental health issues are not addressed (and taken care of) when a person is young, they become increasingly worse, some end up on the streets totally whacked out....

Yes, these are scare tactics -- but, sometimes as Moms we have to do things to scare the sh*t out of our kids, because as we all know this world is no joke and makes no easy accommodations for the majority of us. This also applies to if he is dx'd bipolar -- he will still have to learn how to manage, adapt and function in the world because he won't get special treatment from employers or any one else for that matter (outside of health care professionals).

I wish you all the best and hope you get the help and support you need.... and I also hope you get some respite/TLC time for yourself. Have a peaceful holiday.

A.

T.,
I think we met at a soccer event down at the Pea Patch several years ago, I'm the woman who lost a son at the age of 10 months and my mom a year later...trying to jog your memory here.

My oldest is a hs senior who's barely getting by. He's been dx'ed as bipolar and has much trouble getting up in the mornings and he's not that interested. He's better this year bit I just don't get this,"Why the big deal about a high school diploma?". It was a big deal for me and I had a plan. He doesn't.

I don't have tons of advice but your have my total and complete empathy and some online hugs {{{{T.}}}}.

J.

Hello T., I too went through the same thing with my son who is now 18 yrs. old. It's such a hard situation because you can't control every action your child makes at this age. Who has the time to follow them to each class or all around town? I believe at this age kids are trying on different styles and roles in search of the person thats inside. With my 18 yr old, he is dyslexic and struggled all throughout his schooling years, so the fact that he didn't try in school wasn't a shock. I was more concerned with his behavior in and out of the home. 6 months ago I found him smoking pot in my home and after numerous warnings and other incidents I kicked him out. It was the hardest thing to do and he hated me for it, but it was for his own good. He's now a working adult who's seeing the world in a different light and I feel that his success now wouldn't have happened if I didn't push him that way. I just really believe in "Tough Love"... It's a hard approach and sometimes it rips your heart out, but in the end everyone benefits. With my 14 yr old, who is a freshmen in High School, I allow him to dress all weird and style his hair whichever way (he's into the punk thing), but the moment his grades slip, he knows he'll lose his right to express himself in this way. The other night I had to discipline him and because I did, he told me I was being "pyscho" on him. I think kids nowadays really think that a parent should be a friend and that they shouldn't be parented in any way. Of course I want to have a friendship with my children, but I also know that I need to be a parent first and foremost, and if your child thinks your a B**** because of it, then I think your doing good job. Good luck and just know that there is a bunch of us going through the same difficult stuff with out teens... D.

I hate to give advice on such things because things could go very wrong sometimes. So, all I can tell you is what we had to do and how it turned out. We have a 19 year old daughter who, at the 8th grade level, was having problems in school. The school system just let her go right by. Anyway, we realized that we had to continue to have the "rules of the house" and enforce them. It was the hardest thing we have ever done. One of the rules of the house was that they took their education seriously. There was to never be any "late" or "Missing" work...ever! If there was, they were grounded. The grounding was lengthy and they had absolutely no freedom to be with their friends (on the phone or otherwise). They had to do chores every day and could not watch T.V.

Their purpose in life is to get that education. I did not ground them because I was controlling or 'mad'. I did it with very little emotion. The only emotion I would show them was that of pity. I just told them I am so sorry they CHOSE the action that caused this consequence and hoped that they wouldn't do it again for their own sake.

Needless to say, our daughter chose another path in life. It was hard for us to stick to our guns, but she is learning how hard it is to take care of herself without that education. She went to JobCorps and gained some experience and is now living on her own.

We did the tough love and it felt like it hurt us much more than it probably hurt her.

I also feel that in your situation, counseling would be recommended. You say you lost your 2 daughters recently. I'm sure that had to affect him somehow and maybe he does not know how to handle life at the moment. Once he turns 18, it is all up to him. If you keep enabling him, things will never change. You can be sympathetic and still hold strong to your values. They will respect that later in life.

I hope this helps a little. Your situation is not an easy one at all. Good luck and Merry Christmas!

I'm kinda of having the same trouble with my son in school right now. He is 15 1/2 and last semester came very close to failing two of him classes. As a parent you really want your child to be successful and not fail. The only thing is, is that now that he is older, it is up to him. You hope that when your child makes decisions that the price will be small, but when the get older the price of their choices become greater, and in turn a greater impact on their lives.
I've had to let go of my son and not take on the guilt/burden of HIS choices. It's very hard to do that, especially when you've spent all of your life as a mother caring & helping your child.
I pray for my son a lot. He has to learn his own pathway.
I can only guide him, the rest is up to him.
God Bless You,
S. C.

Wow T., what a lot to go through. Just by fact alone that your family is still together tells me you are a very strong person. Continue to use that strength to get through the rest of this ~ you can do it. No matter what, you have to continue to be strong with your son and stand your ground (as others have said), but always asure your son you love him. The long black hair and leather jacket are phase material, which he may just grow tired of. What is most important is that he get his education one way or another so that he may be successful in life later. Start getting is mind going, let him know he will have to move out at 18 to go to college or work. Seriously ask him what he has in mind for college and what he wants to be. Show him how much rent is and how much it cost to run a house. Be sure during the summer he is working and is responsible for something financially.

At age 16, I told my daughter she had to get a job. The telling got old and I finally said, "I mean today, now, go get a job. Do not come home until you have a job or it is 5:00 p.m." She cried and I told her to quit crying cause that wouldn't help her. By day 2, she had a job at Pappa Johns Pizza. We GAVE her a car to get to work in, a 2 year old 4x4 Ford Ranger. She smashed it up and so I took it right back from her and told her she still had to go to work. She came home with roller blades and she roller bladed to work. She did not know how to roller blade at the time. Mind you, we live in Summerlin and there are plenty of hills or slopes. She fell twice and called me to tell me and I asked if anything broke. One time she said my leg is all scraped up. I drove down to Pappa Johns with a bottle of peroxide and pulled her out of work to pour the peroxide on her leg and sent her right back in there. Don't get me wrong, this all killed me.

She ditched school, let grades fall, just as most kids do. I had a hard time getting through to her, but my husband (not her natural father) would get after her and she would break down.

She went to college in 2001. She went to FIDM in LA, which started in October, but she was to be down there by mid September. Well, 9-11 hit and she pleaded for us not to send her and I thought I would have a heart attack sending her. We finally had to tell her we were all going to die sometime and if nothing happened she would miss out on part of her life. I drove her down to LA with a Thomas Guide, a car, and a case of Romen noodles. She dropped me off at the airport the next morning and I could see her chin quivering in the door mirror when she drove away. I knew she was scared and I was scared for her. I knew I had to suck it up in order for her to have a future.

Today, she works at Le Reve at the Wynn. She is happy there and makes descent money. She moved out and lives with her boyfriend, but she is on her own (no mommy and daddy).

All the names and F off's that she said to me are all a part of the past. She knows I love her and I am proud of her, although I was not always proud of every decision or choice she made, but today we laugh about it.

Please stand your ground, keep pushing him, ignore the names and keep working that kid! If it doesn't work, you will know it is not because you didn't try. Good luck to you. HUGS!

T.,
Honestly, for him to only be 1 1/2 credit short is wonderful. He can go to summer school to make up that credit, or attend one term of the next school year to get his diploma. With what you and your family has been through it is no wonder he is acting out. I feel as long as he knows you are there for him and are proud of him no matter what he will come out of the anger phase and do a better job. Remember, he is hurting just as much as you are. He will finally get his priorities straight. It will be in his timeline and not yours. Have patience (as hard as that is)
God Bless

Hi, I don't have a teenager, But I might be able to enlighten you a little about what he might be going through. It wasnt too long ago that I was in high school. I also rebelled a little but deep down inside was not a trouble maker at all. I used to do the punk rock thing too. But I did it to kinda fit in thats how my bigger sis dressed. He may be just trying to find where he fits in and it gives him a cool look. He feels accepted this way and makes him feel wanted. I also did not fit in anywhere in particular and this is how I felt. Let him be and dress how he wants right now in time I grew right out of it. It's very hard to try and fit in, in high school people are rude and judgemental. If your not an ounce exactly like them then your not part of that group. And of course it's not cool to talk to your mom. As for the B word thing. I admite I have done that one before too. I think that my mentality was just low. Gosh I was a little girl. It deffinately takes time to grow up and realize all the mistakes that you have made but thats what is good about it. You learn. Gosh I'm still learning things everyday. When my daughter does something to me I always call my mom and be like did I ever do that??? Of course she always says yes. And of course I'm always sorry. It's just a live and learn situation. But something that I feel that I will not do with my daughter because Iam so aware of these type of situations. (I was very young to have sex) and when my mother found out I was scared that my whole world would just fall apart and I would be in so much trouble. Now of course I know that I made the wrong descision but I will never tell my daughter she cant do any of the stuff that other kids are doing but I will make sure that she is safe if she does decide too. As well as very well informed on the consequences of her actions. And anything else that she is doing it safely after all if we dont keep them doing the things we already know their going to do safely. They are going to go behind your back and god forbid something bad happen. Reguarding the failing in school thing. That might just be the whole rebelling thing as well. But maybe he's just not getting the work. I sure know I had alot of problems understanding math and such. Maybe you can look into that with a counselor at his school. Yeah he may be a little mad but you might find something out that you didnt know. I surely hope that this has helped. Best of luck. And tell your son to Rock On!!!!! T.

T.,

Are you in Bend????

If you are in Bend... and your child goes to Mt. View...then I would call and talk to Bill Wurtz, he is the Vice Principal at the school. He did wonders for my son last year who thought just because he's 18...he could do whatever he wants..

If not I suggest a counselor at school, teacher that he may have some connection with or a coach. He rebeling to get at you for some reason.... see if someone that you know can put him in the right directions (peers can help as well)

Let me know what happens

Good Luck,

T.

Hi T.,
You are a strong woman....stand your ground and dont give in no matter how bad it may get! My sister put my nephew in ROTC and lets the commander deal with him. However he started taking off and not coming home, so she had the principle start a network of parents and no matter who saw him and where or when they would call my sister and tell her. He luckily straightened right up knowing he had all these parents watching him!!

You certainly deserve better than this. I'm guessing that you deal with stress by getting busy and focusing on getting the job done. Your son, apparently has dealt with it by getting angry at the whole world and acting that anger out in inappropriate ways. Teenagers freqently get angry without having had the trauma that your family has had. When you push him he directs his anger at you. As all of these postings say you are doing the right thing to push him and they have good advice.

But I don't think their suggestions will work with your son because of the trauma that he is trying to deal with in his own way. A negative way that will not work in the long run. By being so angry all the time he doesn't have to face the pain inside of him. He needs to be seen by a counsellor at the very least but ideally by a psychiatrist. One of the mothers told you that her son was diagnosed as being bi-polar. Your son may be also. My daughter is bi-polar and her illness started in the teens. Our therapist said that having bi-polar symptoms is common in the teens but most teens outgrow it. Some get stuck there without help. Part of the help is medication.

And so I'm suggesting that you take him to a mental health provider. He may not have a mental illness but just be extremely depressed and angry. He needs counseling to learn an effective way to deal with his emotions. And you need counselling to learn an effective way to deal with him. Because of your family losses he isn't just an ordinary teenager acting out ordinary stuff. Please get professional help. Here's another hug{{{{T.}}}}.

I have a daughter whom when she was 12 began failing her classes, started keeiping to herself, wearing all black down to the black hair (which is a light brown) and began listening to hard core music. She began hating everyone in our family and would tell us so. She ran away in the middle of the night right before her 13th birthday but luckily called about 8 hours after she left (and walked 18 miles down a freeway). We knew at that point we had to do something. We started with family couseling just so she didn't feel like the finger was being pointed at her. She hated it, wouldn't talk but the counselor helped point us in the right direction. We had my daughter evaluated by a professional and found out she was Bi-polar with manic episodes. She is now on medication and is much happier. She interacts with her family, her grades are mostly B's and C's, she has friends again and is beginning to loose the Gothic look. It has been a very long hard road and we still have episodes but they are much less frequent. Although your son my not be bi-polar there is a reason he is acting out and if he won't talk to you maybe he will talk to a professional. I believe taking my daughter to one saved her life.

Have you tried counseling for him yet? If not, this is a good idea especially with him making it this far in high school and now messing up so badly and then he lost his little sister in a car crash there could be a lot going on with him they he needs to release before it's to late. Also, you may want to try spending some one on one time with him to try to get inside his head a little, try to talk and sometimes you will have to nag because a concerned parent will do this type of thing out of concern. Last, have you went to each teachers class that he is failing in to see if he maybe can do some extra credit work to help raise his grades and maybe even see what he may need extra help in to help him comprehend some things that he may not understand, another good mom group to join for some good advice is cafemom.com (try it).

T.,

I just joined this forum and yours is the first story I've read. I applaud you for being so strong in this situation. I too had a 16 year old daughter who just lost her life on the 2nd of this month, by her own choice. I'm just starting to learn how some days can be good and some days can be horrible. She started going downhill approximately a year ago and went through the gothic phase, etc. Unfortunately, she started skewing her reality and then, by the time we realized there was a massive problem, we got her professional help and picked the wrong therapist. They were unable to diagnose and find the true problem in time. My point is, let your son be who he is and try not to judge him....teach him the responsibilties and accountability you know he should have....but, go with your gut instinct on everything else. That maternal bonding and gut instinct is HUGE. If you have a feeling that something negative or out of the ordinary is going on, act on it immediately. Scream to everyone at the top of your lungs for help until you get the answers you need. God Bless.

Dear T.,
so sorry for your loss of your Daughters and glad to hear your husband is back on his feet. your son is going through a stage of rebellion everything you say -I will go against..Have you sat down with him and asked him to talk to you find out if something is troubling him..may be the loss of his sisters or Dad being down or the group he hangs with..talk to him see if you can draw out what is troubling him.If you scold and nag to much he will clam up or get mad at you so try treating him like a grown up or as if you were talking to an adult friend not a bubby buddy thing, sometimes kids just want to be heard and not responded to..you know that sometimes you like to have someone to just listen. try this out. Good Luck

have you tried laying off of him and let him take a breath. maybe it will take some stress off of you too. i have a son in the 9th grade. he is also being a teenager with that attitude. i backed off and he seems to be doing good. we also have a better relationship. good luck.