As a parent who does not yell, and time-out does not work, this may help. I hope so...
No More Yelling!
The new golden rules of discipline, from a pediatrician mom who's found better ways to get her kids to behave
By Perri Klass, M.D.
My confession: I yell at my kids. I yell in the house, sometimes closing the windows so the neighbors won't hear. I yell in the car. I try not to yell in public, but I'm great at that poisonous, through-the-teeth hiss that's almost as good. I also threaten to withhold treats, to send a misbehaving child to bed early, and to turn the car right around and drive straight home — and then I somehow end up never following through.
So I tend to dread it when a parent asks me questions about discipline — especially if she wants to know what I do with my own kids. Then, as so often happens in this life, I have to choose between honesty and the professionally correct party line. Because while my own disciplinary techniques (yelling and making largely empty threats) have the patina of antiquity and have worked to at least partially civilize my three children, they're not recommended by any pediatric organization or serious parenting expert.
When I find myself offering what I know is the correct by-the-book advice, I'm nervously looking over my shoulder for the reality-TV crew with the surprise footage of my own family on vacation. (Why, who is that mother, waving her arms and screaming? Can it be our very own self-righteous Dr. Klass, who just told us that time-outs should last one minute for every year of a child's age and always be promulgated with calm firmness?)
The miserable truth is this: I've never succeeded at putting one of my children in a time-out. I don't understand how to do it. For starters, what makes a child actually stay in one place? Could it be the parent's moral authority? (Maybe that's my problem!) Yet I'm told that in daycare each of them cheerfully time-outed when necessary. Still, even in the depths of my shame, I accept the job of talking to parents about discipline, tempering good advice with realism and, above all, the understanding that you can't do anything for a small child just once and assume it's done for good — not wiping her bottom, helping her pick up her toys, showing her how to hold a fork, telling her not to pinch her brother, or teaching her that the letter B makes a "bbb" sound.
The subject of discipline leads inevitably to rules, golden or otherwise, and even commandments. These are the ones I've learned over the course of bringing up my kids—even if I don't always live by them. (And, in fact, that really should be Rule #1: All you can do is your level best.)
Commandments 1 - 4
Thou shalt render unto an infant that which is an infant's, and to a toddler that which is a toddler's.
Discipline strategies should be age-related. You can't "spoil" a 3-month-old by picking him up when he cries. Infants need to know that their caregivers are responsive to their needs and wants and that hunger, discomfort, and, yes, even loneliness will be addressed.
For most children, discipline first becomes a real issue between 12 and 18 months. They're up and walking at that point, the word "no" is likely to be understood (and used), and most parents start to recognize that mischievous little self-conscious twinkle in the child's eyes that says, I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I'm going to do it anyway.
My younger son was particularly adept at this — he always knew exactly which button he was pushing when he messed up his older brother's chess game. At this age, discipline is mostly about patience, firmness, and endless repetition. Say "no" firmly and take away the problematic object, move the child away from the danger zone, or put the biter down and leave him alone.
Know thy child — and thyself.
Some kids, from an astonishingly young age, seem to be vastly entertained by rules and penalties and parental emotion. I've discovered that often you'll do best if you treat discipline as a game you're all playing together. My younger son, the one with the mischievous twinkle in his eye, often seems to be holding back his amusement when I'm at my most stern. He's 8, and I can't help feeling he thinks it's quite a giggle when Mom comes on strong.
Other kids are easily crushed if a parent seems at all angry. As you get to know your child's personality and temperament, you also learn more about your own. There are patient parents and short-fused parents, easygoing parents and rigid parents, and even though every advice book counsels consistency, many of us go through all these different incarnations — sometimes in a single car ride.
Pick thy battles.
If you turn every transgression into a grand opera, you'll risk losing the parental high ground. Changing a child's behavior can be a long, hard slog — for you, for her, for the rest of the family — so save your energy for the lessons she really has to learn.
Let's say you're working hard on table manners, reminding your preschooler at breakfast, lunch, and dinner to chew with her mouth closed and use her napkin and not her sleeve. Don't distract from those rules by then arguing with her about, say, her insistence on dipping her carrots in ketchup. Or suppose your 5-year-old's been put in a time-out twice for clobbering his brother (assuming that you, unlike me, understand how to put a child in a time-out). You shouldn't get on his case about wiping his nose for now, especially if no one else in kindergarten seems to have mastered nose wiping yet. (After all, if you can pick your battles, why can't he pick his nose?)
When thou hast picked thy battles, be prepared to fight them over and over and over.
There's just no way around this. We teach our kids by repetition, or, to use the technical term, nagging. When you've decided what it is you want your child to do — or, more likely, not to do — you'll have to say it again and again. For many children, it takes approximately 2 million repetitions before they start to recognize, spontaneously, that something's not okay before they say it or do it, before they pass the point of no return.
I'm not just talking about the "Say thank you" prompts or the "Did you wash your hands after you used the bathroom?" queries, which become so automatic for some of us that we're constantly at risk of using them on our spouses. I also mean the harder-to-learn rules of acceptable social behavior, like "Use your words" — a catchphrase that many of us utter at those moments when a young child resorts to screaming, crying, hitting, biting, or outright mass destruction. But repetition works: I've had to live with the humiliation of having my kids, well trained from their years in daycare, remind me to use my "inside voice" instead of yelling. You can hear 3-year-olds on the playground admonishing each other to take turns or even, in your more progressive preschool environments, prissily informing one another that "That behavior is not acceptable" or, more casually, "That's not okay."
Commandments 5 - 7
Thou shalt strive ever to change behavior, not to teach moral lessons.
In other words, discipline isn't about convincing Suzy that she really likes Billy, it's about convincing her not to kick him, no matter what stupid thing he said to her or how much blue paint he spilled on her painting of Barbie's moon landing. Discipline is about helping children regulate their behavior rather than their thoughts. For instance, I've tried hard to teach my kids to be good hosts and guests, but I've never reproved them for expressing less-than-enthusiastic sentiments about the other child when the visit is over. I think they're entitled to their preferences, as long as the rules of polite hosting and guesting are observed.
If we teach our kids properly, they'll grow up to be good, hand-washed citizens, capable of lavishly thanking someone for unwanted advice and able to restrain themselves from kicking an irritating colleague.
Do unto your child as you would have others do unto your child — or whatever you do, don't hurt anyone.
Many elements of child rearing are tough — discipline, consistency, keeping your temper — even with someone much smaller than yourself, even with someone you love dearly. If you ever find yourself over the edge (scaring your child, grabbing her too tightly, feeling like you might just snap), have your mother or a friend take over for a while and get some backup and support. Don't risk losing control and doing something you don't actually want to do that could haunt both you and your child.
The end does not justify the means (and discipline is the means).
To put it another way, even if your daily life is full of disciplinary moments, don't let those moments take over. If the sum total of life with your child seems to be about saying no and scolding and handing out penalties, then something's gone wrong. Even if you're doing all that disciplining in the most approved gentle and consistent way, it shouldn't be the main tenor of your days. Look for activities you and your child enjoy doing together (reading aloud; eating finger foods outside, where table manners don't count; legitimate mess making; plain old silliness). This will take the pressure off and help you both have some fun in situations where there are absolutely no formal lessons to be learned.
That said, parenthood can be profoundly educational, and while we're learning some difficult home truths about the nature of our own character and disposition, we might at least have the pleasure of reading Curious George or learning to finger-paint along the way.
Parenting, April 2004 - www.parenting.com
Contributing editor Perri Klass, M.D., a mom of three, is coauthor of Quirky Kids: Understanding and Helping Your Child Who Doesn't Fit In. Her novel The Mystery of Breathing was just published by Houghton Mifflin.
The Bright Side of Bad Behavior
From hitting to lying, some of the worst things your child does are actually achievements you can be proud of!
By Jana Murphy
I'm ashamed to admit that I once lost my 4-year-old in JCPenney. One minute I was looking through the racks and Matilda was hiding in the middle of them, and the next I was hysterically asking the checkout woman to make everyone in the store help me find my little girl.
We found her just outside the front door, staring at her shoes, refusing to acknowledge the gathering crowd.
I threw my arms around her and sobbed with relief.
Unfortunately, the story does not end there. Matilda was confused and very worried about her weepy mommy. "It's okay," she said, her own eyes welling up and her voice shaking. "Look. I got you a present." And with half a dozen store employees looking on, my daughter reached into her pocket and pulled out a beaded bracelet, complete with sales tags, which she'd thoughtfully shoplifted for me while we were apart.
I guess I'd forgotten, in all the excitement, that we were still going through that little taking-things-that-don't-belong-to-us phase. Blushing, I handed the bracelet to one of the staffers who had dropped everything to help, muttered, "I'm very sorry," and "Thank you," scooped up Matilda, and hustled to the car.
The paralyzing fear of losing my child changed my perspective on her behavior that day. I was so grateful to see her safe and sound that my first instinct when I saw that bracelet in her hand wasn't "What a little thief" but "Aw, she stole that for me."
Sometimes it takes a little imagination (or a big dose of adrenaline) to be able to look at the bright side of bad behavior. But in many cases, the naughty, troublesome things our toddlers and preschoolers do demonstrate that they've hit a new ability or understanding and are showing it off — inappropriately, but showing it off all the same. While you still have to take action when your child misbehaves, there are plenty of good reasons to take heart, whether she's getting aggressive at a playdate or lying through her teeth about who spilled the juice.
Misdirected Decorating
The bad behavior: Cara Dell'Apa, 3, is the queen of the misplaced masterpiece. She has painted the bathroom mirror with hand cream, colored the kitchen wall with markers, and experimented with the mixed-media collage potential of talcum powder ground by hand into an Oriental rug. She does these things with no ill will, just a curiosity that gets the better of her time and time again.
At 2, 3, and even 4, many kids are old enough to get a thrill out of creating something with art supplies (and I use the term loosely enough to include hand cream and talcum powder) but not mature enough to consistently remember and heed the rules about where such art projects are supposed to take place.
The bright side: Though she sometimes gets frustrated with her daughter's behavior, Lisette Dell'Apa of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, knows exactly where that kind of expression comes from: She herself is an interior decorator, constantly rearranging and redecorating her own house when she's not working on someone else's. "You can really see Cara's desire to create and accomplish something, but it's not like she can go rearrange the family room to satisfy it," Dell'Apa says. Her behavior shows that she already has energy and creativity in spades — just like her mom.
How to handle it: Make sure she has plenty of mom-approved opportunities to color, paint, and get her fingers good and dirty in her everyday life. Dell'Apa chooses toys and playthings that allow Cara to explore textures and colors, including hands-on, nitty-gritty kitchen activities.
When you catch your preschooler coloring on the walls or furniture, be sure you get her to help clean up the mess she's made. Having to deal with the consequences of misplaced art is eventually enough to make most kids decide it isn't worth the trouble.
Playing Rough
The bad behavior: Patty Middleton of Queensbury, New York, has two boys who are a year and a half apart, so she's been keeping the peace since Benjamin, 6, and Noah, 4, were in diapers. It's not just moms of siblings who see aggressive behavior: One day, your toddler plays happily alongside the next kid. But at the next playdate, despite all the patient parenting you've put in, he grabs, shoves, yanks, kicks, or bites his "friend" to get what he wants. Unfortunately, this turn for the worse is very common in kids between 20 months and 3 years old.
The bright side: Though it may feel like the end of the world the first time your child inflicts harm on another, being pushy on a playdate at this age is a normal and oddly effective way for little kids to get one another's attention. Pushing and shoving is just a step on the road from parallel play to what we, as adults, like to think of as "play."
Even though this kind of behavior needs to be defused and discouraged, those first tries at rough play are not signs of a bully in the making, says Tovah Klein, Ph.D., the director of the Center for Toddler Development at Barnard College in New York City. "You want your child to be able to go after what he wants and stick up for himself," she says, "and this is where it starts."
How to handle it: Even if you want your child to grow up to be a go-getter, you need to intervene and show him a better way to get what he wants. "For a while, we lived by the microwave timer," Middleton says. "We set it to teach the boys how long a turn was because they were constantly fighting over the same toys — even if we had a duplicate."
The first times your toddler acts aggressively toward a playmate or sibling are when you have your best opportunities to curb rough behavior. Don't shame him for being aggressive, but do remove him from the situation, and say, "You want the toy? Then say, 'I need the toy.'" Then give him a few minutes to cool down before you let him try again. When he's older, you can point out how his actions make the other kid feel.
Being Sneaky
The bad behavior: When Holly Fitzsimmons was 4, she made a classic mistake that cost her a much-wanted treat: "Holly asked if she could have a cookie, and I told her she couldn't," explains mom Sandy Fitzsimmons of San Jose, California. "The next thing I know, she's in the kitchen, calling out, 'Don't come in here, Mommy!'"
Needless to say, Mommy went into the kitchen to find Holly standing on a chair at the counter, cookie in hand. The little bandit was busted.
The bright side: In a perfect world, preschoolers would never steal, sneak, or lie. In reality, they do it all sooner or later. Sneakiness is hard to quantify, but research suggests that by age 5, almost 100 percent of children tell lies. For better or worse, deception is part of the human condition.
Your preschooler's first lie or attempt to put one over on you shows a significant cognitive leap: She's figured out that what you think and what she thinks are not the same. Believe it or not, this new understanding not only gives your child the ability to be deceptive, it also helps her begin to empathize with others as well.
How to handle it: The best way to deal with a lie is directly and with a matter-of-fact, can't-fool-me attitude. Announce without any long explanation that you know what she's saying is not true (this is how parents get a reputation for having eyes in the backs of their heads), then tell her how you expect her to help remedy the situation. For instance: "I know you spilled the dog's food. You are going to help clean it up right now."
Even though your child's first lies and attempts to fool you may be downright adorable, never laugh about it or retell the story in front of her. Toddlers and preschoolers seek attention any way they can get it. If telling a fib or swiping something does the trick, chances are your child will be happy to do it all over again.
Wrecking People's Stuff
The bad behavior: In 10 years as a preschool teacher and many more invested in raising three boys of her own, Penny Luse of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, has seen more than her share of toppled block towers. "Every year we have this problem," she says. "There's just something about a tower someone else has been working on that some kids can't resist." A destructive streak can extend far beyond block towers to include things like just-picked-up toys, alphabetically arranged CDs, and even the apples in the fruit bowl. Objects that are arranged "just so" seem to drive certain kids to distraction.
The bright side: From the time they realize they can wiggle their fingers and toes at will, children are fascinated to learn what they can and can't influence and control. Knocking things over and wreaking havoc on the neatly organized parts of your home is just another extension of that same desire to test their sphere of influence. As your child experiments, he's getting his first lessons in gravity and physics — and also in how it makes other people feel when you wreck their stuff. Fortunately, almost all kids outgrow this phase, usually by first grade.
How to handle it: If your child is more interested in demolition than construction, make sure he knows that he's welcome to build his own creations just to knock them down. But other people's work is off-limits. It's often possible to see this kind of thing coming, and the best-case scenario is to step in before the disaster and redirect your child to something else. If you arrive on the scene too late, let him help rebuild or rearrange the mess he's made and encourage him to apologize to the thwarted builder. It's not always possible to put something back just the way it was, but cleaning up and making it right will help him begin to think about the effort that goes into constructing the things he so loves to destroy.
Being Mean to Mommy
The bad behavior: My 4-year-old, Connor, goes to preschool three mornings a week. Most days when I pick him up, it's a happy reunion. Lately, though, he seems less than thrilled with my company. "How was your morning with your friends?" I asked as we walked to the car one day. "Did you have a good time?"
"It was fun," my normally affectionate little boy conceded, then turned on me to accuse, "It was fun until you came along and wrecked it."
Ouch.
The bright side: Rejection from your child can feel like an arrow through the heart. But it takes a significant amount of security for your preschooler to so blatantly push you away to see the kind of response he gets. He's sure you love him, and he's testing that attachment to see how far he can stretch it.
How to handle it: Don't overreact. Hurt as you may be, it won't help if your preschooler sees you reduced to tears or very angry because of his cold words. Don't try to make him take them back or even apologize for what he's said. Instead, simply tell your child that you're sorry he feels angry at you right now because you love him and always like spending time with him. Then let it drop. Your child will be reassured that you love him no matter what, and you'll have avoided an emotional showdown.
And that's definitely a plus, since you'll need that energy to keep reminding yourself why it's good that he's a little bit bad now and then.
Parenting, April 2005
Jana Murphy, a mom of 3 and an aunt of 25, is the author of The Secret Lives of Toddlers.
Toddler Tamers
Practical discipline tactics for the Terrible Twos
Toddler discipline seems almost an oxymoron to any mom who's tried to exert even minimal control over her tantruming 2-year-old. But even at this nonverbal stage, a child can easily distinguish between a parent's pleasure and displeasure. When she learns not to touch the stove, it's because she's afraid of losing your love -- not because she understands she'll get burned (she won't understand cause and effect until age 5 or 6) -- but that's all you need to lay the groundwork for discipline. Once you've childproofed your home from top to bottom and set a few simple rules, follow these techniques to stem the tide of your toddler's bad behavior:
Little scribblers
Does your child love to draw on the walls? Give her another choice. You can say, "No, we don't draw on the walls. But here's some paper you can write on." If she's unhappy with the suggestion, distract her with something else: A look at a board book and a quick snuggle can do the trick.
Meltdown defusion
How to show her you're in charge when she has a meltdown? Most experts agree that before age 2, a time-out isn't useful. But you might try the "lap hold," a modified version of it. Just sitting with your child in your arms for a few moments can often defuse an out-of-control situation.
Helpful concessions
Toddlers crave control, and if you give them a little, they tend to be happier. So let your child make decisions over such unimportant matters as what to wear or what she wants for breakfast (but you do need to stand your ground when it comes to making her sit in her car seat or get her shots.).
The magic word
Save the word "no" for when it's really necessary -- when your toddler's about to bite his playmate, for instance. Otherwise, the more you use the word, the more you dilute its impact, making it more likely he won't listen to you.
Lots of lovin'
As important as the discipline itself is the notion of kissing and making up afterward, which tells her you still love her, even when you don't love her behavior. After you and your child have had it out, share a big hug before you move on.
Catch her being good
The most powerful form of discipline? Positive reinforcement -- and that goes for any age. The more positive attention you give your toddler, the fewer reasons she'll have to go after the negative kind. So every time she breaks a rule ("Don't dump Mommy's purse!"), offer an alternative ("Let's dump these blocks instead"); and counter every infraction ("We don't hit!") with encouragement ("You're petting the dog so gently").
Pacify public tantrums
Anyone who's taken a toddler anywhere knows that mortification waits around every corner. Meltdowns generally start around 18 months. Things to keep in mind:
Try to preempt common tantrum triggers (fatigue, hunger, boredom, frustration) by doing errands in the morning or after naptime, and bringing snacks and an unfamiliar toy.
If prevention fails, ignore the tantrum. Pretend the screaming doesn't upset, impress, or affect you, and he'll realize there's little point in continuing.
If all else fails, get out of there! Leave the grocery cart, grab your child, and head for your car. His meltdown may simply be a plea for a hug or some undivided attention, so give him both when he's calmed down.
-- Abby Margolis Newman
More on this topic:
►What Makes a Toddler Tick - www.parenting.com
