Hitting Defense

Hi L.,
My children are raised now but I teach preschool music classes. First of all hitting is not OK. Unfortunately, what I have observed is children becoming more aggressive, especially boys if they are not supervised well. If your preschool tells you this is normal behavior, you should find a new preschool.

Hi L.,

You have to teach your child about life early, but in a little guy way. At no point will any school or employer allow you to resort to violence to solve a problem, so why start now? Dad needs to talk to him and find some words to let him know he was wrong and he can't continue the violence.

Best of luck.

I know your husband had good intentions with his advice and you will probably want to dish out this advice perhaps when he is MUCH older. At 27 months, your son's mind does not really understand the difference between hitting first, second, or third. You need to sit down with him and explain honestly the mistake in your original advice. Confirm that it is NEVER okay to hit. Now back to my first sentence about giving this advice when he is much older... that is circumstantial of course! When he is older you need to discuss bullying and how to react to bullying. Giving the advice to hit back should be the LAST resort. We all know it is the kid who retaliates that is usually the one to get caught.

My kids are 4.5 and 2.5 years old and both are in preschool. I agree with what others have said. Hitting and being aggressive is not acceptable. However, I do teach my kids that they can and should defend themselves. BUT that is ONLY after they have told the other kid to stop, walked away, and told the teacher. If it continues repeatedly and the kid STILL keeps coming after them, I feel that my kids have the right to defend themselves with whatever means necessary. But again, this is AFTER they have tried other means to get away from the other child. Both my kids just naturally have a "3 Strikes and You're Out" system. They will both let the other kid attack, hit, or pursue them 2 times. Two times my kids will either tell the other kid "No" and walk away or come and get me or the teacher. On the third attack, my kids will hit or push back and then come and get me or the teacher.

If my kid is the aggressor in the situation, they will get an immediate Time Out and then either DH or myself will explain why hitting/being aggressive is wrong and if possible we make our kids apologize to the other kid.

If our kid is on the receiving end and eventually defends themself, we pull them aside and tell them that we are proud of them for trying to get out of the situation the first two times, and that although we don't like when they hit other kids, we know that this time they were defending themselves from a kid that wouldn't leave them alone.

The way we feel is that, this is real life training for them. They are going to come across aggressive people in their lives. They need to learn, even at this young of an age how to handle themselves in these types of situations. I won't always be there to take care of the situation for them.

I also agree if his preschool is not handling the situation to your satisfaction, move him to another school. Our school immediately deals with the situation. It's a smaller school, so all the teachers know all the kids and the parents. Everyday when I pick up my kids I ask how my kids did at school. The teachers tell me everything, good or bad. My son has been involved, both on the giving and receiving end of aggressive behavior this year, and every time the teacher told me about it and I got a note sent home about it. They immediately put the offending kid(s) on Time Out and then explain to them that their behavior is unacceptable.

I think general give and take type pushing and wrestling is normal for this age, especially boys. That doesn't mean that it's acceptable behavior, but it is normal. Even hitting and "fighting" are normal, but definitely not acceptable. From what I have learned from other Moms of grown sons and the preschool teachers, is that between 3-5 is when boys experience their first surge of testosterone. That's why they get aggressive and go through periods of high energy, followed by periods of low energy, and periods of pure unexplainable frustration. Kind of like a mild version of puberty.

With 2 year olds, they are just testing the boundaries. Trying to see what their bodies can do, how others respond to what they are doing, what they can get away with, etc. I don't think your son is intentionally trying to be mean to another kid or vice versa at this age. But the actions are still not acceptable. So just keep reinforcing that being aggressive is not acceptable. Defending himself is good, but only at the appropriate times and after he has tried all other means of diffusing the situation. And true, he won't get it at this age, but the key is to keep reinforcing your rules so that as he gets older, he will abide by it. That's what all the older Moms of boys I know keep telling me anyways.

I also show up and sit in on my kids classes every so often. a) to check up on the teacher/staff/other kids and b) to check up on my kids and also to show them support.

Also I come from a background of martial arts. We were taught to never be the aggressor, but the defender. Let it go, let it go, let it go, but when things start to get out of hand, or someone is really in danger, step up and deal with it in the safest way possible, even if that means becoming the aggressor. My son also took Tae Kwon Do lessons for a year from age 3 to age 4. His teacher followed the same principles. I think having that extra reinforcement of our rules from his teacher really helped him to understand what to do in those situations.

It would be most valuable if your husband can explain not hitting to your son. I understand does not want his son to be walked on, but why would it be okay to hit back? Defending himself with words or walking away will serve him better in school than using brawn. Put him in martial arts (starts at three-years-old) if you'd like him to understand the difference between defense and offense.

Jen

Coming from the preschool teacher point-of-view as well as a mom of young children... it simply is not ok to hit first, second, last, period! A child your son's age can not conceptualize that he can not hit unless it's in response to someone else's hit. If they here they can (no matter what is said after that), they will hit whenever.

If hitting continues at that school, then maybe you need to pick another preschool.

Had you thought about having a nanny?
Most kids don't really enjoy a peer group until they are getting on to be almost four.
Just a thought. Your little one sounds very sweet.
B. v. O.

We went through this when my son first started preschool. He wasn't hitting back, because that's what we taught him! After the THIRD time his teacher told me he had a run in w/another child, "I" told him the same thing about hitting back to defend himself! It did get a little out of control, and we had to backtrack AND switched preK...now we have our little angel back! It's unnerving to see and hear about other kids hitting your child! Honestly, at any age...they SHOULD NOT be hitting! Your daycare needs to take better measures to prevent this from happening. I would sneak in every now and then, if possible!