Holding Kids Back - MAY Birthday

I have been a teacher for 15 years and it would greatly benefit him if you held him back. I promise. Good luck to you...you sound like a great parent!

I believe that there is much more downside to sending him before he is ready than waiting until you know he is definitely ready. Something else I recommend you asking the school district is what percentage of the kids in his class will be older than him if you start school next year. I've read research that shows that the very youngest students in the class are more likely not only to struggle but also to engage in 'high risk' activities. I don't think you will have this problem with a May birthday, but it's just another factor to look at. I say if you are worried, keep him back another year. I was old for my class in school and I always just thought it was great---was never self-conscious about it at all! And it gave me an opportunity to always be the top of my class. I don't know if I would have had that opportunity as the youngest.

He's 3 years old right now? Then you should be asking this question next year about this time...because a ton of stuff can happen in a year. He is in pre-school, that's where he needs to be at this age. In the next year he will go from his toddler stage of development into his pre-school stage of development and you should see him change/grow by leaps and bounds.

Just be patient, his pre-school teacher is jumping the gun by talking about Kindergarten at this early date.

The fact that you have a question about it gives you your answer. Hold him back now. It's SO much easier than finding out it was an mistake and having him repeat a grade later. My son was a June birthday and we did not start him in kindergarten until he was 6. We have never regretted it, and neither has he.

It has NOTHING to do with intelligence. That is the last reason to start a kid. He needs maturity and a sense of self and an ability to sit in a circle and follow directions. Boys especially tend to be late with this. I think that worrying now that he won't be challenged in later grades is fruitless, despite what some other posts say. Good schools and good teachers who have a range of kids (size, interest, ability, intelligence) in a classroom know how to appeal to each kid's learning style and abilities. They can challenge those who grasp things quickly and support those who do not.

Do not let anyone push you or guilt you into an early start.

You don't know yet what his growth pattern will be - maybe he will follow his father's pattern but maybe not. In any case, he is small now. Another year might help, might not - but it won't hurt. My son was on the smaller end of the scale and even with the extra year he was smaller than most. We gave him an extra year of pre-school/pre-K and it helped immensely. Also, he napped well past the age of 4, so starting school at 5 would have been awful - he would have started with afternoon kindergarten in our town that year, and would have been trying to learn when he was the most tired.

I also have experience on the other side - my brother started before age 5 - he was an October birthday and the cut-off in our town was Dec. 31. He paid the price all through school being smaller and less mature. During the summers on the swim team, he could never swim with his classmates because he was always in the lower group. As an adult, he is still compensating for being the last one to do anything and it has not helped his personality or confidence. And my son went to school with a boy who was the youngest - more than a year younger - and he was just too far below the rest of the kids in terms of maturity. He really suffered. He's very smart but he was just not ready.

Think of the positives - he will be older than his peers, he will be very popular when he gets his learner's permit and driver's license first, he will be more articulate and confident than many of the others in his class. You will also find that you are not the only one doing this - once he gets into school, you will find there are other kids who are also older than the majority.

Go with your gut and the advice of the teacher. If you aren't sure, you can take him for kindergarten screening and let the teacher give you another assessment based on objective criteria. He won't remember why he is there so if you don't send him to kindergarten, he'll never know the difference. But I think the teachers will tell you what I'm telling you - if you aren't sure, you have your answer.

Good luck whatever you decide!

I would ask your Pedi this question, but I would go by intelligence. If your boy was not very "mature" or not hitting his milestones or not bright, then it's a good reason to hold him back so he could enter school on par with the general population.

If he's smart, he might not be challenged in school and could be just as disinterested, feeling older and smarter than the others, may work to your disadvantage later. With his sister being closer behind him, it could exacerbate things.

great arguments either way, I don't envy your decision. good luck!

One of my closest friends was born in January and was held back by her parents. She was the best student in my class and one of the most mature. All of her siblings who were born after the Sept cutoff were also held back and had similar social, academic, and athletic success.

I think it is too early for you to ask whether your daughter should be held back, as you will not know until much closer to her 4th or 5th birthday (when you can more accurately assess her readiness) whether or not you should put her in school or hold her back. Each child is different, and I find that it is not so much the physical size of the child, but their aptitude and maturity that really matters.

W.,
I agree with the responders about waiting until next year to make a decision. How the preschool teacher could make a recommendation at this point is skeptical. Unlike all other responders, my son started kindergarten early (age 4) and I do not regret it. He was ready - mentally, emotionally, socially, etc. Follow your gut. It doesn't matter if he will be 19 when he graduates if he is not ready for kindergarten then he is just not ready. Anyway, I really think you need to give him time to develop. As I am sure you know, even just a month makes a huge difference in their little lives.
Good luck.

I would ask the preschool the specific reasons they suggest holding him back. They are professionals and if they suggest holding him back I would tned to agree. I think the decision should be based on his maturity. If he cannot focus enough to pay attention to a lesson, it would be beneficial to him to stay in preschool one more year. I do not think you should base you decision on height for you your son or your daughter. They will always be taller kids, smarter kids, etc. What is important is that you teach your kids how to handle themselves and be confident in who they are.

This is definitely an opinion question and I wish you luck with your decision. I have a son that is a Sept. birthday and he is very small for his age. Those two together make it easier for us to hold him back when he gets up near K.

You don't have quite as easy of a decision, but I can tell you that a male friend of mine told me a story about his experiences growing up. He was smaller and a late birthday and he knows for a fact that it made a difference in his confidence levels at MS and HS. He compared himself to a friend that was much larger in stature however a late birthday and his parents didn't hold him back. The immaturity, though taller, made a bigger difference in current confidence levels.

Personally I think the emotional confidence is HUGE. Hope that helps some.

First, At your son's age no one questions why one is older and one is younger, I have girls who have November and December birthdays, making them the older ones in their classes and it's been so good for them. They are both little, the oldest was preemie (32 weeks) and they are very smart. I don't think it's been a bad thing for them to be older. I wouldn't worry about HS. I taught HS for a while and to be honest I think the more mature they are when they graduate, the better. College is huge and 18 is very young!! As far as your daughter goes, why would you? They are completely different kids. There is no reason to hold her back. I used to tutor in the spec. ed dept when I was in HS and they had a huge sign that read " fair is not every one getting the same thing. Fair is every one getting what THEY need! Even if they were twins I wouldn't suggest holding her back. I've seen that cause resentment on the part of the younger!! Ultimately, do what you think is best for your boy in the long run. Kids will tease no matter what. We can't make every decision based on that. Why not give him more time to grow up!!

Maturity is the only reason to keep someone back. Size is not a worry nor can you really know how tall your son will be.
Only do for your daughter what is best for her. Make the right decision at the time.
Also it is not uncommon for boys to begin kindergarten a year later. (told this by my friend a kindergarten teacher).

if you have any doubt, then yes, hold him back.

My daughter, textbook pregnancy, textbook everything when it comes to development.. she missed the cutoff by one day so she is one of the oldest kids in her class - and she is excelling beyong belief.. I get more comments from teachers about her maturity and brilliance..

my son - a bit different - speech delays, sensory issues and his birthday is a week before school starts.. He's little and immature.. I held him back and it was the BEST decision I ever made for him. I did it in Kindergarten because he already had 2 years in preschool and felt he needed a change. He didn't bond with the kids and was withdrawn.. Year 2, he's a typical kindergartner, excelling, bonding and has overcome some issues. He does question why his friends moved on and why he didn't - I blame the school. Just tell him that the teachers wanted to keep him one more year because of how special he is.. blame them -

a lot of other people I've spoken with who did the same thing all say the same thing - best thing they ever did for their kid... size and maturity doesn't really mean a whole lot now, but when they get to middle school, it will make a HUGE difference ... ask around, but I think it's a good thing.

Each situation is different. If your son needs another year to mature, and you push him into Kindergarten, then you will ultimately be hurting him. Even if you don't notice it so much in the first few years, when he gets into middle school and beyond, he might run into trouble. If you are having second thoughts, don't hesitate, hold him back. Take the teacher's professional opinion into consideration, believe it or not, they have the child's best interest at heart. No one will think less of him for being older.
As for your daughter, only time will tell.

I say do not hold him back based only on size. My daughters are all on the small side.

My son's birthday is June 11th...He is in his 2nd year of Kindergarten. We held him back because he was quiet, shyand sometimes has separation issues, he is very bright and was very ready for 1st grade. I don't think any of the other kids even realize he was held back. Starting schoollate is very different from being held back in the upper grades. He has had a great year, is very confident and I know in the long run this is the best thing for him. I have an older son who struggled come 3rd grade when school starts to be more work than play , I am hopeful this willnot be the case with my kindergartener because he has an extra year on his side.

My daughter's birthday is at the end of June. She is an entirely different child. Outgoing, confident, a leader. She us due to start Kindergarten in the fall and although I would have gladly held her back (she is my baby) it is not the right thing for her. She is very ready to move on.

I think you need to listen to your son's teacher and your gut. Worry about your daughter when the time comes. All kids are different and have different needs. School only gets harder as children get older and if you are struggling with maturity issues when the work gets harder it will be frustrating for both you and your son. You do not want school to be frustrating, you want your son to do well and feel good about himself. You will never regret holding him back but you might regret pushing him ahead if he is really not ready.

One other thing... What is the cutoff date for school entrance? Where we are it is September (as in you must be 5 by 8/31 to start kindergarten) so my son is only the oldest by about 2.5 months. If that is the case where you are your daughter will start school at 5 years 11 months so she will be older anyway.

Hold them both back.

It's better to be the oldest kid in the class than the youngest - regardless of size or brain power. My sister was pushed ahead and all of her best friends ended up being from the class behind hers - she was socially "at their level". Academics are fine, but really - there's more to school than academics... the social aspects of school are extremely important.

If your son is tiny, it might be a good reason to hold him back. You don't want him to be babied. As for turning 19 before graduation - so what? It's not a big deal... at. all.

I held my son back - he is an October baby. It is the best thing I've ever done. He is socially and emotionally where he should be. Academically, he does great!!

YMMV
LBC

If you are at home with them and can swing it financially, consider home schooling both of them. It will give you time with your children that you will not have otherwise, and will allow you to decide what is best for them at a time that is appropriate for your family. There are a lot of resources out there, please look into.

In my opinion, size won't really matter. Kids come in all shapes and sizes anyway. You are right to base it more on maturity level. My youngest has an early June birthday. She is smart as a whip and GIANT sized. But she was too shy to even talk at preschool, and so I knew that I would need to give her another year. Then her preschool teachers hesitantly told me how worried they were for her - I told them not to worry, I had already decided she needed another year. They were so relieved - you'd have thought THEY were her parents! It turned out to be the right decision - that extra year gave her time to get more confident. And she likes being the oldest kid in the class. She now has started out on the right foot, and her first grade experience is even better than kindergarten was. I have no doubt that if I had pushed her to go when she wasn't ready that it would be really difficult for her now. And keep in mind - kindergarten is like what first grade was when we went to school. It's not like preschool. They have to read, write, do math - all the things that used to be first grade. Better to give him an extra year now than have to hold him an extra year after kindergarten. Also, by the way, I learned my lesson the hard way. My oldest daughter was actually ready a year early but her birthday missed the cutoff. I should have fought to get her started earlier - but everyone told me to just go by the birthday and forget it. WRONG! She is 10 years old now and in 4th grade, and she herself still brings up how she was ready to go to kindergarten but her birthday missed the cutoff and how she's now a year behind (in her mind)! So truly - you need to go by the child and their emotional development and not the birthday. Just my opinion. Good luck.

My parents held me back (my birthday is in September), and none of my classmates knew this. You decide when it's best for your child to start school, and then that year is his starting point -- it's not holding him back (think of starting him the previous year as pushing him ahead!). I wouldn't think too much about your son's size, but if you think his maturity level will be more appropriate in a year, then by all means wait to start him in school. Also remember that boys mature more slowly than girls (usually) and are often not ready for a sit-down-and-wait-your-turn academic environment as quickly. I've read that most boys would benefit from starting school a little later. This might or might not apply to your son's personality, but if it does, it has no reflection on his intelligence. And given the age difference between your children, I don't think you need to peg your daughter's start date to your son's. Just start her whenever she is ready, independently of what you decide is best for your son.

I can think of one kid who was older than everyone else in my high school class. He was actually on the smaller side (height-wise; he was a wrestler and not small in any other way). He definitely did not get made fun of. He could give all his friends rides because he got his license first, and therefore he was pretty cool. My niece is currently dating a kid who is also older than all his classmates -- it's the same deal. The older kids are the coolest ones!

The pre school teacher has a lot of experience with young children. Her advice should be taken: you also say he is somewhat babyish. Immaturity does affect a child's learning and social interactions. By holding him out one more year, you are giving him a gift of time which no one else can give him. It is much easier to do this at age four than when your son is in second or third grade and his classmates would be aware of the retention and tease him. The immaturity would show up in middle school when he is at a difficult age . This decision in no way should have any bearing on your daughter's start to school. Every child is an individual case.

No one will think he was held back for intelligence. Kids don't think that much about how old their classmates are.....EXCEPT when he is the first one to get his driving license. And then he'll be extra cool. :)

You have another year to make a decision, but I would never hold a child back because of size. If he's small and it runs in the family, chances are that he'll still be smaller than the other kindergarteners in two years. I have a friend who held her son back because of size and now he's the oldest kid in third grade and the smallest!! He's more mature socially than all his friends, but tiny. I feel bad for him because he gets along better with the 4th graders than he does the third graders. If his other skills are on target then holding him back for purely size alone doesn't make sense (does this mean the larger children should start school earlier???).

I wanted to say too that the sizes of kids are so varying. Your child was created that size for a reason and focusing on it and telling him he isn't worthy of being in school with his friends because he's small will only make HIM focus on his size and worry about it - affecting his confidence. In my daughter's 4th grade class there is a girl who is 5'1" and there are twins who are 3'11" (they were premature). The twins are smaller than most first graders, but that doesn't mean they should be in class with first graders. They are smart, funny, good runners, athletic and VERY well respected. I've never heard one person mention their size. If your son has other skills that make him on target for his age, then please don't hold him back purely for size.

My younger son has a July birthday and started school as one of the youngest in his class. We moved to another state towards the end of first grade. The school he started in was very laid back and they were not at all concerned that he wasn't reading by the end of first grade. He wasn't the only one. When we moved, the new school was very demanding. All the children in his class were reading (it was the only area where he was behind.) He was quite frustrated and there was MUCH discussion about holding him back. We considered a tutor over the summer, among other things. In the end, we made the decision to repeat first grade. Over the summer, reading clicked for him and he hasn't stopped since. (By third grade, he was reading Michael Crighton novels!) In retrospect, he could have gone on to second grade without repeating first. But the extra year didn't hurt him and he gained a lot of confidence that year. He was always the oldest kid in his class, something he was quite proud of.

My daughter has a December birthday. She missed the cutoff by a couple of weeks. I was disappointed because she was very ready for school. She spent an extra year at home and it has never been an issue. She was always the oldest in her class and always the smallest. She was a bit of a late bloomer and by the time she was in the eighth grade, I was very thankful that she had that extra year. She was not as mature as even the other girls in her class (who were younger than her) -- it is scary to think how she would have done in high school, being so immature.

I had neighbors who started both their kids in kindergarten at four (they took advantage of a strange loophole in the state). Both kids struggled.

For the two of them, the extra year didn't hurt them and probably helped them a lot, for different reasons. IMHO it can't hurt to hold them back, but it can hurt to push them forward. I agree it is so much better to hold him back now than repeat a grade later.

Hi - I never thought I'd respond to any of these questions but this one hit home. I have 2 daughters, 19 and 21. My oldest was born in November so she missed the cut off date of October 15. I had no choice but she was clearly ready to start school but had to wait. She was always very tall for her age and is now 6'. My youngest was born in September and her preschool teachers and the teachers screening for kindergarten all said she should wait to start. I already knew this and I put her in the most wonderful pre-k program that the school offered. There were 9 children in her group who screened for pre-k and only 2 parents listened. She turned 19 when she started her freshman year of college and I can't emphasize how great my decision has been from the very beginning. Being one of the oldest in the class is never a negative thing and having a bit more maturity when graduating from high school is very helpful. This is really an easy decision for you!

I would hold back now. No one will know later on, but if you have to do it later everyone will know and it might affect his self esteem. I wish I had held back my daughter in Kindergarten, but asking the teacher (and also 1st grade teacher) they felt she would be bored. She is petite and playful and has had a hard time staying on task. She would have been better off repeating Kindergarten or staying another year in preschool. I wish I had come to the mamas then instead of asking the teachers. And whether your kids are 1 or 2 years apart in school won't matter until they are both in college at the same time and you are trying to pay for it! Good luck.