Holding Son Back a Year in School

I am also very small for my age and was held back because of it in Kindergarten I hated that I was held back. However school was extremely easy for me and I was able to graduate early. But because school was so easy and needed very little attention from me I did get into trouble with my boyfriend and began having several other issues my sophomore year of high school. My brother was held back in 7th grade for behavior and never finished high school. All I can do is offer you my experience not really my advice.

Have you thought of putting him in a few 8th grade classes? Maybe a 1/2 & 1/2 day, even if he would go to two different schools, they do have buses to help with that. Or another suggestion would be to have him be a "teacher's helper" in a few of his classes so that he feels he is needed in the class. You could also consider letting him repeat 7th grade in another school or homeschool for part of the day depending on how strongly you feel about moving him to the 8th grade. It may be difficult for him this year but it may be easier than the possibility of being bullied or picked on by much bigger kids. Hope these few suggestions helped. M.

This may be a great age to do it if you have to. If he is in a JR High that starts in 7th grade, it is a new experience for everyone. All the other 7th graders won't know him and know he was held back, and he can start new. Maybe even consider a new school to start over if he wants to. Good Luck, I know it's hard.
M.

I would seriously weigh all of the options as holding a child back after they have already started school can have some major social repercussions. Children are very aware of anything "different" and being held back can be hard on kids older than kindergarten.
Good luck and do what your gut feels is right- it usually is.
E.

I think that the most important thing is that he's learning (as opposed to repeating curriculum). Everything else is slightly less important.

Good luck!

I'm a special education teacher and I have to tell you that I have serious doubts about holding students back. Most of the research says that it is detrimental to the student. My concern is that you said they want to hold him back for maturity reasons but, he will be held back in a class with a less mature peer group. Also, if he has friends in his current grade, it could be devastating for him to lose them. Most of the research suggests that even if there is a gain from holding a student back, it is not sustained. Furthermore, if you are going to hold back, the earlier the better. I'm not sure the severity of your son's disability but I would get him involved in the decision at some point. I would also contact the school and ask for a meeting. Tell them that you are bringing a list of pros and cons and ask them to do the same (so your meeting is more structured). I probably wouldn't invite your son to this meeting but tell him it is going to happen and ask him if he has any concerns he wants to bring up. Also, make sure you talk to him about the meeting afterwards.

Being the mom of twins boys who have both been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy I know how you feel. Nervous because there's no telling how it will affect him in the long run. Relief because the school brought it up, so you know you're not imagining things. If your son has an IEP (which he should have considering your mention of "learning disabilities") then sit down with your IEP group and discuss holding him back and why. What benefits will he get, emotionally as well as socially and academically. I started my boys a year late in kindergarten, and because of poor school performance they were held back in 6th grade.
Can you go to the school and observe your son interacting with the other students, as well as his classroom behavior? How are his grades versus how you perceive his understanding of his school work. How much one on one does he get with his special ed teacher? How much "help" does he get at school, and what are his accomodations? Unfortunately, there are no right answers when dealing with special needs kids. Do what feels right to YOU and for your son. DOn't let the school bully you into doing something that doesn't "feel" right. One suggestion, if you are feeling unsure about holding him back, see if the school would be willing to do it on a trial basis. No more than 1 month, if there is no improvement in either behavior or grades, then send him back up. Are you in contact with your local PLUK office. If not, get ahold of them and see what they have to say. GOOD LUCK

My boys will be turning 14 in a couple of months, so I'm not too far ahead of you. It's a tough road ahead of us, but our focus needs to be on the best interests of our kids, not how easy it would be for the school.

Hi L.,

When my son (now 36 yrs old) was still in elementary school I remarried and move to a different school district. By doing that, he automatically was a year behind everyone. However, being the new kid, and hearing impaired on top of it, he struggled to fit in. When they recommended he be held back to repeat 3rd grade, I didn't see this as an option for him at that time. As luck would have it though, we moved to a new home at the end of that school year, hence he started a new year at a new school and at that time we in fact put him back into 3rd grade. (It was THE best thing we EVER did! He caught up with everyone academically, and flourished with friendships!). He might benefit most by returning to 7th grade this next year, however, if he feels a lot of peer pressure at this stage, then I would wait and consider it for 8th grade. If he has had an extra hard time with being accepted by his peers, I think he would face all the struggles all over again with a new group of kids. (by repeating 7th grade). You know what I mean? Its hard enough just being a teenager, then add in one with special needs...well it can be most frustrating for them. You know your child best, ask yourself if he would benefit more by being held back at this time, or moving on with his classmates. (Again, if he is held back, those that do move on could create grief for him all over again simply because he returned to 7th grade!) I'm not much help I know, but maybe gave you ''food for thought''. YOU do what YOU feel is in your sons best interest! Trust your instincts! Good luck!

Hi, L....Don't worry about damaging your son for life. Whatever you ultimately decide, he'll understand you made the best decision you could with the facts presented to you at that time. If it were my son, I would probably hold him back. Just from what you've told us, it seems like the deck is somewhat stacked against him: small stature for his age, learning issues, maturity issues. Middle school and high school are tough enough. Your son might do better without those disadvantages. I have several friends who held back their kids because their birthdays were close to the cut-off date and they felt they'd benefit from an additional year - not so much at the lower elementary level, but once they hit middle school. We actually started our daughter a year early because of similar, though somewhat opposite, concerns. She barely missed the cut-off, was a head taller than all the other kids in her pre-school class, was more mature for her age and was a bit more academically accomplished. We felt that although it might be ok in elementary school, we didn't want her to be the oldest, tallest, most developed girl in 6th, 7th or 8th grade. Academically she would be just fine whether she started early or not, but I did have the social concerns about middle and high school, having a pretty good idea about how she would probably develop physically and emotionally. Ultimately whatever you decide probably will be best for your son. Ask him for his input - kids that age can be really insightful about their own lives and he might just give you the best decision. Good luck!

There are a lot of kids held back for various reasons. If your son's teachers think it would benefit him I would go ahead and do it. My son had a friend that in elementary school switched schools and repeated a grade, this worked great for him. At times I wish I would have done it for my son especially in hind site I think he would have done better in school.

F.

Hi L.,

I work in the school system, and research shows that retention (holding a student back) is more detrimental in the long run. Students who are held back have a higher incidence of dropping out in high school and can have self esteem issues. Your son is already in special ed and the school should be modifying and accommodating the curriculum to his level and needs. Therefore, retention would not help him in the least bit. His schooling should already be tailored to his needs. Consult with your special education team, esp. the school psychologist at his school. They should be able to help you. Best of luck!

Check out nasponline.org and look under the parent section for retention research.

i was held back when i was in first grade. They thought that i was mentally slow. The truth was, I hated my teacher. My way of showing anger is the silent treatment. Basically, i refused to talk to her. I remember doing the work, so my case wasn't based on grades. When i found out that i was being held back, i cried. But i got over it and am actually a normal person ;). However, if your sons grades are passing and the teachers are looking more at maturity, i would consider not allowing him to be held back. Always consider your mother instincts. Do what you feel is best.

L.,

Because he is your child you should decide what is best for him. If they are only wanting to hold him back because of maturity reasons that is silly. Especially since boys mature at a slower rate than girls.

I would discuss it as a family- getting held back at this age could do alot more social damage to his own self esteme.

I personally would never keep a child from learning more and experiencing all the goodness around them by choosing to hold him back. Why the school would want to keep him from moving forward is beyond me. How sad..

Follow your heart and remember your his mom and you know what is best...

Blessings,
C.

Hi L.,

I have a son who is 16 and is in special ed and has learning disabilities. His maturity level is not that of a 16 year old. So there are times he does not fit in with kids his own age or grade. When he was in 6th or 7th grade I asked the school to hold him back because of this and they wouldn't do it. So when he started high school he got teased and bullied more because of the way he is. So if the school is suggesting you hold him back I feel you should because in the long run all it could is help him. I hope this helps you.

Carol W.

If maturity is a real factor then you should definitely consider it. That is a really hard age to do that to a kid so you really need to talk to your son and go over all the options that are available to him. If the maturity issues are stemming from emotional or mental issues getting him a counselor that can really work with him somewhat intensely during the summer might be a great alternative.

Your son shouldn't be completely oblivious to the maturity differences between him and his peers, are most of his friends his age or younger, that should also give you an idea which direction to take it.

Good luck, this is a hard decision to make for anyone.

Let him make the choice. We held my daughter back in the fourth grade and it was the best thing we could have done for her. She also has learning disabilities and is now right where she needs to be mentally and physically. And it was all her choice. This made it easy for her to tell people that SHE chose to repeat a year. and to not feel bad about it. It might also help him to change schools.

I teach high school English, and I teach primarily ELL and LD kids. I would seriously consider holding your son back if it has been recommended. If you are worried about social ramifications, consider switching schools so that no one at the new school knows he's done grade 7 before. You could also consider a charter or private school specializing in courses where your child could excell. One year where a child can truly excell, especially following a difficult year can build so much positive experience and faith in a child's ability that the rest of his schooling builds on the belief that "I can DO this..." and teaches your son that school can be fun, rewarding, easy at times, and that he could be at the top of his class---oldest, knowing what will happen, and confident of success. I totally believe a repeat year can be a huge bonus.

Hello L.,
You may want to try going to one of many web sites to find an answer to your question.
1. go to search 'educational advocacy groups in Colorado'
there seems to be quite a few places you might call and ask if they could help.
Several groups I found were: www.yellowpagesforkids.com
www.iser.com
www.nichcy.org
www.denvermetrocprc.org
www.coddc.org
Is there someone in the Special Ed. District that might be able to suggest a resource for you?
One of these should be able to assist you.
My thoughts are with you.
S. F.

I know that my son is younger than yours but we just decided to hold our just turned 7 year old back a grade. He is in speech therapy and reading classes. He is technically in his second year of kindergarden now and will be going into first grade this fall. So far he hasn't even noticed that he is one of the older kids in the class and we feel like he is improving in his speech and reading.It was a really hard decision to make for me as a mom. My biggest concern was him feeling stupid or wierd for being maybe even the oldest kid in class. My husband and I definately feel like we have made the right decision holding him back as he is not struggling like he was and is making progress in school and to us that was the most important thing. Hope that you get evrything figured out and good luck!

As a teacher myself, I know the pains you teacher is going through. She only wants to help your son. You are the mom, so ulitmately it's your choice, but if you feel it would be even a little beneficial, I'd hold him back. Or, see what they can do in terms of taking him out of reading time or something like that. If he moves forward, maybe it means that you have to be extra involved. Get all the information before you make the choice. I can promise you though, when he's out of school and making it on his own and doing well at it, he won't care either way :)

My first question would be... How does your son feel about this.
It kind of sounds like he has a hard time making friends because of the maturity reasons, he might do better with a younger group if he goes into it with a good attitude. It would definitely benefit him educationally and most likely physically. Considering his size.
As for damaging him for life, I doubt that will happen. Especially if he is part of the decision.
Having a conversation with the school psychologist, or if there isn't one available a child therapist, that can help explore his feelings, and be an unemotional third party, about it would also be a good idea.
If you are religious, I would also recommend doing some thinking on your knees.
Good luck with a big decision.
A teacher named N.

I was in preschool when my parents decided to hold me back and do another year of preschool rather than going into kindergarted because of maturity reasons. I was a handfull to say the least, and in some ways, it was very good for me. But there came a time in high school where I felt out of place; everyone who was my age (especially those who I went to church with) all graduated the year before I did, and I was left behind and that was very painful.

Ultimatly the decision is yours. I am sure that my parents thought they were doing the right thing, but from my perspective, I would not allow my daughter to go forward a grade or hold either of my kids back. I would make an effort to find alternative sources of education if the problem is academic, but since it is more because of maturity, I would leave him where he is and let things shake out as he gets older.

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russellblaylockmd.com audio & video "nutrition and behavior"

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As a former special education teacher, I would ask you to please take great caution with this one. I have personally seen this happen without the educational "boost" the teachers/parents were hoping for. Retaining students with special needs will not often make an educational difference, especially for students with learning disabilities. Plus, if he is already a student who is not socially "in" with students in his grade, it could actually make the social matter worse.

I'm not sure if there is anything on the Colo. Dept. of Ed. website about retention issues, but you may check there, too (cde.state.co.us). You could also request a meeting at school to discuss the idea with his IEP team if you don't feel you've got enough information from his teacher - it's a great way to get everyone's input.

Good luck - just remember, too, that as his parent you have the final say on retention, so if YOU don't think it's a good idea for whatever reason, don't agree to it. :)

I, too, was held back. I was younger but it was because of maturity problems. I don't regret it. It didn't hurt me in the long run. I kept my son out of school one more year and he's fine. He kind of likes being the oldest one in class. He's also delayed. You have to think what is best for him. Good luck!!!

Dear L. C. I was one of those children how was held back in my opinion it will do no good. It left me filling left out and alone and not fitting in . In my a pinion it would do more good to let him take summer chassis to try and catch up. I also have children how have learning disabilities it is very hard to know what is best. I just know that children in special education fill not quit fitting in and out of the main stream
of life and not allowing them pass makes the problem worse.
To give you a little encouragement my older children have found jobs and are happy with life.

I hope this helps. C. J.

L.,

You and your husband know your son better than anyone. I would go with your gut feelings. I actually skipped ahead in school, so I was more than a year younger than all of my cohorts and was smaller and probably a little less mature (emotionally) But, evetually it all evens out...by High School there wasn't much difference, and I am so glad I didn't stay behind. I didn't have educational challenges, so I don't know if my advice will be very helpful. All I know is that you and your husband should be the ultimate decision makers and should not be pressured into anything by his teachers (especially if it is just based on maturity and not grades). Your son is lucky to have a Mother so concerned with not only his present but his future. What a great example you are! Just know that whatever decision you do make, in the long run your love and devotion will make up for any negative experiences at school.

I would say talk to him ask what he wants. He may be 13 but he may still feel better in having some say in it. I remember that at the end of my seventh grade year I absolutely refused to go back to the same school I had been attending because I was having so many problems with the kids around me, and my parents listened to me. Which helped me so much in the long run. Holding him back may be a great idea. The problem is kids are mean. So, he may be teased. If you can finding a new school to put him in may be a good option. Give him a fresh start so he isn't surrounded by kids that know he was held back and tease him for it. If that's not an option there may end up being more problems which will have to be delt with later. But above all I would really say to talk to your son, he may surprise you.

I would not hold him back I would look into outside activities that would help him develop socially and mature over the summer. I found horse therapy helped my grandson who has similar issues and is 10. It is really hard because they do not fit in the box and you really have to search out ways to help them mature that is not the usual activities. Sports that are not team sports can help. My grandson likes swimming and is looking forward to when his uncle comes back from Iraq and will be teaching him golf. It is hard but I just do not see how holding him back will help I personally feel that it would do more harm than help.
T.