Holiday Family Traditions-Have You Ever Been the One to Change Them?

Yes, and we did exactly what you are suggesting.

My husband is one of 4 and they were spread all over the country. I suggested, and got the ball rolling one year, that instead of buying for each other we take that money and adopt a family. Then rotate the city each year. The first year it was in Kansas, the next in New York, the next in Oregon, the next in Florida. Then we repeated the rotation. Since you're the only one not there, you could offer to start it then it would go back to your home town.

And you're right, it was amazing the difference we could make to one family with our resources. Depending on how big the family, we were able to buy something for the kids/parents AND provide some groceries.

Good Luck!

In fact, this year I told my husband I would like to change his family's Thanksgiving tradition of having it on the Saturday after Thanksgiving to having it the Saturday before Thanksgiving. I have never been able to decorate for Christmas after Thanksgiving or get some Christmas shopping done b/c we cook on Friday then head out of town that Saturday.

He said, his mom & I are now the matriarchs of the family - we had the power to change the tradition. If she agreed he didn't see a problem. So, last Saturday I proposed this idea to her with the precedent she could just say no if she didn't like the idea. She loved it! She confessed she has never really liked it on the that day either.

I am so excited for next year!!!

oh yeah. i was the one who put my foot down and said i wasn't going anywhere on christmas day after i had kids. we'd visit at other times, or people could come to us on christmas. and my family has done so.
a few years ago i proposed that rather than exchange names, we each just bring an under $20 wrapped gift and do the sneaky santa thing. it relieved the checkbooks and has been a blast. i love anything that makes shopping easier.
i'm working toward no gifts at all but no one's coming with me on that one<G>.
:) khairete
S.

1 - Have I been the one to change traditions? Yep. First of my generation with kids. That'll do it! :) :) :)

2 - Personally, I hate your idea... and would never agree to it.

a) The reason WHY most young adults don't buy other young adults gifts is that they're almost all BROKE. They're just starting out. They have to buy for immediate family, friends, etc. (often a huge strain)... AND be paying college tuition or student loans, living in crappy apartments, occasionally borrowing a fiver (or couple hundred) from mum and dad. Some are starting families of their own (even broker). Some are doing fairly well, but are saving up for that master's program, or a downpayment on a house, condo, or car.

"Forcing" the cousins to spend money they probably don't have is just cruel. The exact opposite of the holiday spirit.

b) I'm already sacrificing to get gifts for loved ones. While it's nice, and all, to think of giving money to those who "really" need it... quite frankly, I'd like to pay my electrical bill. If I'm not buying a gift for my sister, that's EXACTLY where that money is going. To my electrical bill.

A thing to keep in mind:

c) Charity begins at home:

It's unlikely you know the intimate details of your siblings finances, although you probably know the generalities. My auntie at one point proposed something to my mum... not knowing that while my mum "made" $10,000 per month, $9,000 per month was going to pay for alzeheimers nursing home care for my grandmother. Why didn't she know? Because my grandmother wasn't her mum (MIL)... and my mum didn't broadcast that she was paying for my grandmother's care (no one else could afford to at that point, all were having problems making ends meet). Nor that I'd been stupid and not had renters insurance, so that when the hurricane hit, I lost everything... and my parents were helping me out (thankyou mum for not broadcasting that brilliant bit of planning on my part). To my aunt's mind... my mum made double what SHE did, so there should be no problem, right? Wrong. Because of things my mum was keeping private.

d) If no one in your family has ANYONE who is struggling, or just starting out / everyone is provided for: "picking" a charity is often difficult when there's a group of people involved. Why? Research & Priorities & Record Keeping (for tax purposes, or other). Not impossible! Just often difficult.

_____________

Your siblings may all LOVE the idea. I'm not saying its a bad one (WELL, except for guilt tripping the cousins over the holidays), just one that due to my own circumstances... I could never agree to. If everyone ELSE agreed? I'd put the money towards my electric bill. My mum? She'd put the money away for my sister saving for grad school, or my son's medical bills, or for a special lunch to treat a friend.

3 - LOL. Isn't HILARIOUS (seriously) how so many people think distance isn't equal??? It's JUST as far from my house to yours, as it is from your house to mine! Cracks me up.

Yup. I think in your case you could say, "You know, all the kids aren't really kids anymore so what do you think of A or B?"

Some of my family resisted strongly driving "all the way" to my house. When we make the drive, it is never as long as when they make the drive. They said that driving home from DD's birthday was a 4 hour trip (should be 3 or less). I understand that little kids need stops but it's just a reminder that my household travels better and has a different perspective on travel than theirs. So for Thanksgiving, I stay home now (don't want to deal with the host anyway) and have dinner with my ILs and for Christmas we make the drive to them. I do not think we will ever get them here and I'm OK with that. 14 people is enough to feed.

But speaking of Thanksgiving, I took it back, slowly but surely, when my uncle married someone who I'm not fond of and my side of the family decided I was "too far" to travel to. It hurt but now I am simply not expected to be there as I host my inlaws and my side sees us at other holidays.

My SIL and MIL proposed a few years ago that we stop exchanging among the older adults and that's fine. I prefer their company and we have a nice gathering without feeling pressure to find the perfect gift. Especially after SIL became a single mom, money was tight and there was no reason to continue as we had been.

So just suggest it. See what happens.

ETA: You could suggest that in lieu of one charitable contribution for the whole family, that the family consider participating in a Giving Tree or going online to a charity like Childsplaycharity.org and picking as their hearts and wallets choose. I would probably just say, "I'd like to see YOU on Christmas and rather than buying gifts, how about we consider giving to a charity that touches our own heart and consider sharing our family's love as a gift to all."

I think change is great for families. I have changed a few traditions in our family and most people were open to it. The people who weren't, don't really see us so it doesn't matter as much. I think you should do what is best for your family. If that means asking people to come your way for a change, then you should ask! Good luck!

Well a few points. 1 you moved away - it is expected that you come home for the holidays - right or wrong that is the expectation.

2. my sister made up her(our) own holiday to accomodate me when I moved out of state now that is changing some serious traditions and making new ones.

3. many people are not always big on giving away to charity (I do not get it) but maybe if you signed up for a program where you hosted someone for the holiday dinner - a soldier or a family or elderly in need something like that might be a nice small change to indroduce.

I hope you get many helpful answers and I have given you some things to think about as well.

Instead of gifts, my family (includes aunts/uncles/cousins) goes to a niceish restaurant and each family unit pays for themselves. So because my mom's kids are quite a bit older than one set of cousins, we pay for our own. But my aunt and uncle still pay for their kids because they are still in college/just starting out. It's each family's decision. That might be a way to make it flexible. Everyone doesn't have to do it the same way, they can decide for their own family or make their kids pay/