Holiday Planning ....

I think the question here is what do YOU really feel like doing for T-day? If you could have it anyway you want without worrying over what will make everyone else happy, what would you do? Women as mothers are always trying to make everyone happy and harmonious. This Thanksgiving, consider treating yourself to doing whatever you really want. You don't have to explain. You deserve to make yourself happy. Really.

Many people feel that the , "Oh, I SO wish we could be together, I'll miss you so much," complaints are a way of showing love. They honestly don't see it as pressure or complaints. Keep in mind that they're probably just trying to show you love.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "I love you, but I love my relatives too, and it's important to me to spend this day with them." Don't ever feel selfish or guilty for doing so!

If you have a good relationship with your inlaws, you should be able to say, "It really makes me feel bad when you say/do (insert here.)" If they love you, and it seems they do, they'll understand.

Our relatives fought so fiercely, down to, "You spent 15 more minutes at their house!" that we finally had to say, "On all holidays, we'll be home. Feel free to come see us, but we won't be going to anyone's house." Everybody got the message, and we got a conflict free day. :P It doesn't sound like you need to do anything that drastic!

Hi M.:
I was raised in A very large family. I have 6 other siblings,all with children and Grandchildren.I have two sons with families and extended families of their own now. My husband also has 3 siblings with families, 3 daughters, from a previous marriage with families and extended families,so believe me when I tell you,I can feel your pain. What I've learned from years of experience, is that You can only spread yourself around so far,then the Holidays become stressful.The Holidays are suppose to be wonderful times,filled with fond memories. Family who live close,and who are fortunate enough to share a lot of time together,become somewhat spoiled and selfish.You can't fault them entirely. You must share part of the blame for giving so much of your time and attention.However,they are old enough,to realize that you have loved ones that you share A Love and devotion to. They're aware there's others in your life that need your attention,your presence in their lives. You sound like A woman who's maturing,and giving more thought to your mother,who is alone now,and getting older in years. Follow your heart,and don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty,or regretful in those choices you make.It's not that they don't understand,it's that they don't WANT to.Because of the size of our family,we have to sometimes,miss certain loved ones during the Holiday.But we understand,we except that there are others that need time together with our children,time to build their own wonderful memories.We know,that there will be other Thanksgivings, other Christmases to be together. Another thing we have done,is used Xmas eve. to celebrate with one part of the family and Christmas day for the other.This actually works well,as its not nearly as packed in the house,and We're still able to see our Children and Grandchidren.We're not picky about what day,as long as we can celebrate with them.I've even had a big Christmas party for the entire family,but had it the day before Christmas eve.Everyone was able to come,because all their obligations with extended family were on Xmas eve or Xmas day. There's an old saying M...."You can't make everyone happy all of the time" If your extended family,is unwilling to graciously "share you" Then let them Share you "Ungraciously" : ) Follow your heart. I wish you and your family A beautiful Holiday season> J. M

I'm in the same position...except I only see my family once a year AT Thanksgiving since they all live on the East Coast & I'm on the West Coast with his family.

When we ALL go out to the EC for Thanksgiving with his one brother. I normally take that opportunity to be with my family and friends. His family at times to give me guilt but honestly since I'm with them ALL the time I ignore it. I mean yes his family is mine and my son being the only grandchild I try to explain that ALL family should get time with him. Especially since we stay with his brother while we're in town.

So this year we've decided to not only spend Thanksgiving but Chanukkah/Christmas with my family, along with Evan's birthday.

Its unfair but since they do see you all the time, I explain that my family is just an important to me as they are. Since I'm unable to see them as much, it'd be a wonderful present to me knowing that we could spend this time and holiday with my family guilt-free. Especially for Evan we do two Thanksgivings with both familys.

Or also try inviting his family to extend the invitation to your mom & family. It worked for my family.

Get creative. Have Thanksgiving "breakfast" with one side of the family, and late dinner with the other. Don't get hung up on celebrating "on the exact day" -- dinner with the in-laws on Thurs and your family on Fri, which would give your family more time to travel (ie they have to work on Wed and have to really push to make in on Thurs; this way they can travel on Thurs and celebrate on Friday).
During the"negotiations" you might ask your mom & in-laws how they handled the same holiday situations when they were younger (might be a way to gently remind them they faced the same dilema!!! ). Good luck.

Many families make up new holidays. Sometimes dates are changed. For example, I knew a family that celebrated
Christmas Eve on Dec. 21 and this made everyone happy. For many years we flew 2000 miles for Christmas with family, but had most of the big presents were opened a day before Hanukka with a Jewish member of the family who was a bit out of sorts with that part of his family. I did, and still do, put presents under our tree with both Hanukka and Christmas paper. This year we had an Easter party as part of going to an Easter Eve service instead of the big Easter Day feast. Many religions were represented. And the less formal service suited all. The food was take out at home first.
Also Airplane tickets are cheaper off
the holiday rush time. Use this as an excuse to change your calendar. Be creative and always friendly. You are lucky to have so much family. Many don't and wish they had your problem.
B. v. O.

Hi M., What's with the inlaws whining about this year being the year with your Mom...She also choses to separate herself from her loved ones by being "unable" to come to celebrate together. It maybe time to have it at your house and invite all to come there!!
I doubt Thanksgiving is really the HUGE holiday for all, but it sure sounds like a power struggle and you are caught in the middle, but the familytime is extremely precious for everyone, so to honor the agreement of one year with each family should be maintained and try and fit in a trip or fly her out to you and stop making your self crazy by all this bickering by sending a letter to all that you love them all and some solutions will need some give and take and that you appreciate the effort on everyone's part. Then just STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. You and your husband can figure it out, then stick to it for this year. I'm sure he hates the drama and you do too. happy holidays

Phew! There are times that I mourn my slowly decreasing family... but this is one time I am actually grateful that there are so few of us. I get to miss all of this drama. However, putting myself in your shoes for just a moment... and letting you know what has worked for us... we split the holidays... Christmas was a huge deal for my side of the family and Thanksgiving a huge deal for my fiance's side of the family. Problem solved... He gets T-day and we get Christmas.
The other thing that i have seen people do is to co-split the holidays if the families are close enough. Early T-day dinner and then a later one. Christmas Eve vs. Christmas day or Christmas dinner bs a brunch or breakfast. Do not worry about what others will say about you... they will always talk... good bad or ugly. You have to do what makes your nuclear family happy.. after all it's they who you will come home to that night! LOL

Well...this may be hard...but if family doesn't understand...Oh Well..lol
When my children were born I decided to start traditions for "them". Holiday dinners were then at "our" home. All family were invited..and encouraged to participate. The children WANT to be home on those holidays..specially Christmas. Santa comes..they you take the kids somewhere else?,.,Time to start your own traditions..and make memories for them...in their "space". Loving family will certainly understand. If they can't make it..well..that is their choice. Good Luck..

It's too bad your in-laws don't support your need to visit your family. Take care of your emotional needs and thank your husband when he goes with you to visit your mom.

Can you flipflop each year? One year have THanksgiving with his family, Christmas with your family, maybe Christmas Eve with his family. Then the next year switch and do the opposite.

I think one of the things you find challenging is that his family gets together a lot, but that shouldn't discount the fact that they should get some of the big days.
Also, can you host once in a while and invited EVERYONE.

For us, my husband doesn't have family so it's not so hard but my cousin does what I explained first, and my brothers in-laws join us for Easter and Thanksgiving which he hosts. And we enjoy seeing them. (They've become part of our extended family!!)

Boy, it does get complicated but please don't stop trying.
Lastly, once you choose what works for the four of you, DON'T LET ANYONE GUILT YOU!!! If you make a thoughful plan, stand by it.

Hope you are able to enjoy the season!

Hi M.,
If you see your husband's family all the time and it's your Mom's turn for Thanksgiving then go to your mom for Thanksgiving. It's crazy when our adult parents act like children and we're the ones who get stressed out and stuck in the middle. You've been married 14 years - it's not like this is a new situation. Your in-laws know your family situation and shouldn't make you feel bad about this. But is there a reason your mother won't celebrate with your husband's family? It would make holidays much nicer for you if you could get everyone together.

Good luck!

I have had this same thing. Someone told me to do what I want to do and do things right for my family and my girls. All of my family (hubby's too) live in so cal. In a way I think it can be worse sometimes b/c then they expect you to go to everything. For the last 3 years we DID NOT go to my hubbys family's for thanksgiving. One of those times we went after the meal to just visit. For Christmas my mom decided she wanted her own time but to rid her kids (me and sibs) of conflict she plans it the Sunday Before. Lately we go to hubby's fam for christmas and if we have time and feel up to it, we go to my Aunt's. I absolutely refuse to put my kids in the car on Christmas to do a Tour of So. Cal. so everyone can see them. I haven't been rude about this just this is how I am going to do things. If they want to throw a fit and get mad about it then that is one less thing I have to do. It is their choice to throw a fit and doing so wil not make things any easier, but it will be their fault. If people want to start Drama about it all, I tell them fine I'll just go to disneyland. It is just about letting them know what you are going to do.

I hate to say it, but it seem to me that your mother needs to be more flexible if she wants to see you both holidays. My mother gets funny about Christmas, too, since my husband's family is jewish. But the fact is it is a secular holiday in this country and almost everyone celebrates it as a time for family to gather together.

You are adults and can make whatever plans you wish - neither his parents nor your mom can "make" you do anything. Talk it over with your husband and decide what is best for your nuclear family.

Hi M.~~you seem to be pulled in all directions~~sorry for that. My thought is that your Mom needs to embrace the love. It sounds like she doesn't like your husbands family and forgive me if I am wrong on that, but family is family and the more the better!!!! It is wrong for her to make you choose. My opion only. My Grandma used to only want HER family at the holidays and then we all grew up and had relationships and although I know it's hard to change, new traditions and gatherings are fun. I would never want to miss a holiday with my parents either and I am lucky to be just as close to my husbands family. I wish you the best with this. Christi

The in-laws are probably only seeing their side in this situation and not realizing the position you're in. I'm in a very similar one, widowed mom, more scattered family, more frequent get-togethers with husband's Jewish family. Christmas is thankfully never an issue, but Thanksgiving can be painful. I suggest you show your husband's parents this letter you posted to Mamasource so they have the whole picture.

My dad passed away 6 years ago but my mom has just recently become more vocal about family time and her awareness that we spend more time with my husband's (they only live a few miles from us while my family lives further away). I'm sure being alone has a great deal to do with that. Your mom probably feels similarly protective of special family occasions and doesn't want to lose more than she's already lost. I'm sorry for your dad's passing, by the way.

In my opinion, you should spend Thanksgiving with your mom. If geographically possible, plan to make a stop at the in-laws' place for dessert or alternatively the day after. Stick with the plan. As to Christmas and disinviting them, your mom needs to be gracious and share the day. She might want to have just her family, but we don't always get just exactly what we want. Even though your in-laws are Jewish, it's a family holiday and people don't like missing out on opportunities to share special times with one another.

All the best to you & I hope you can resolve this so your holidays will be happy ones!

Colleen

I consider myself to be very fortunate! My own family likes to get together to celebrate but are never too uptight about the dates. My hubby's family doesn't get worked up either. On my side of the family everybody is so flexible because my Dad's parents were very much like your in-laws making a big deal about everyone being together for every holiday. My Dad has always told me that our family (my hubby & kids) should make our own traditions and our own decisions for where and how to celebrate these holidays. We have scheduled a lot of our holiday stuff around my grandmother this past couple of years because she is in her 80's and want's my 2 year old son to remember her. It doesn't seem like a big deal to my inlaws but to my grandmother it is VERY important. For x-mas/Hanukkah both events should focus on the sacred aspect of the holiday. If Christmas is a holy time for your family then you should tell the hubbys family that you want to celebrate it that way. Tell your hubby that he needs to make it clear to his family that you don't want to hear the guilt trip. He needs to keep his own family in check. I remind mine about it all the time!!

Let them whine. This is not new if you've been married fourteen years. If it's your mom's turn, then too bad. Just be polite and gracious and say "I know you'll miss us this year, we'll miss you too. But, it's my mom's turn this year. I'm sure you understand she is looking so forward to see us since she hasn't seen us since April." And, leave it at that.

Some people are so selfish, they think it's all about them.

good luck!

Having lost my parents right after marriage I can't tell you how thankful I was that my husbands parents not only wanted everyone (all my family) but was willing to go to anyone's for holidays. Since this is your Mom's year you need to be with her. I am surprised your children haven't said let's stay home and have everyone here. Because of my husbands work our kids had to learn and so did everyone else in the family that we couldn't always do everything on a specific day or time, we had to adjust. Good Luck!

Let them whine, they will get over it. Further, they will adjust to it.

What we did in the past (for 8 years):

- His family got thanksgiving and christmas eve.
- My family got day after thanksgiving (yay! Leftover night!), and christmas morning.

We're switching things up this year though....

- His family gets thanksgiving and my family gets day after.
- We're having an open house on christmas eve
- Christmas morning is ALSO at our house, but we're only inviting my family to it (as yet, trial run)... because HIS family expects hosts to "play santa" for EVERYONE, to the tune of thousands and thousands that. we. don't. have. And that dinner is served at noon -cooked by mom, while everyone else is in another room opening presents. And that this rule, that rule, this rule, blah blah blah. Essentially a nightmare I'm not willing to open myself up to. ((This is why they are not invited, we told them that we were thinking about having xmas morning at our house and got the diatribe on why we couldn't. Well, we're the only one's with kids. I'm not missing my son's christams morning to be slaving over a stove -no potluck allowed in my husbands family-, or bankrupting myself playing santa to adults when I can barely afford christmas for my son. Christmas is NOT about money in my book... but it is in theirs.))

r

I should mention MAJOR drama and whining on his side, even in the past 8 years. We like the thanksgiving split, so we're keeping it, but for xmas this year... people can come to us, darnit, or make other plans. :) As my mom said last year, there comes a time in every family's life that they make their own traditions. Choosing someone else's traditions, is just that... a choice. Not an obligation.

I would not stress over this at all. You are married and have your own family now. When people are married, they are supposed to form a family with their spouse and children and leave behind their family of origin, or at least consider their family of origin's needs as secondary to their own family. You, your husband and children's needs must come first in this situation.

In my particular situation, all my family lives on the East Coast. We moved away three years ago due to job reasons and see them once a year. Before moving away from them, we tried to divide each holiday between both families and it just became too stressful. We are planning a visit to the East Coast during December, but not during the holiday time and that way we hope to alleviate any stress.

Just have Thanksgiving and Christmas at your own home and invite whomever you wish. Whoever comes will show up and whoever doesn't or can't, just won't. You can always plan a visit on a day that is not surrounding a holiday.

Have as much fun as you can during the holidays and focus on it being as stress free as you can. Your children and husband deserve some stress free time where you can all relax. I like the idea that someone had of having a relaxing day in your pj's...I have never done that, but it sounds like lots of fun and a great idea.

Hubby and I have an agreement....we will do what we NEED to do and what works for OUR family at ALL times. IF we can accommodate our relatives and friends we will try our best, but if we can't, then we won't. THE most important thing, especially when it comes to holidays is that we (meaning hubby, myself, and two kids) are together and having fun. Wherever WE decide to spend each holiday, others are welcome to come, but they are responsible for getting themselves there and taking care off their own arrangements.

Hubby's parents and sis live on the East Coast. He has some relatives that live near us and some that still live in S. Dakota. My parents and sis live 1.5 hours from us and I have relatives scattered all over the place.

I usually do Thanksgiving at our house for whatever family and friends want to come down. Day After Thanksgiving I go Black Friday shopping with my best friend, Mom and sister (if they are here).

Christmas Eve dinner is at hubby's Aunt and Uncles (they live about 30 mins from us). Sometimes my parents and sis meet us there, sometimes they have their own Christmas Eve plans.

But Christmas morning we are at home doing our own family traditions. We basically are in our PJ's all day long, opening presents, watching Christmas movies/cartoons, having leftovers and breakfast all day long. Again, everyone is welcome to come over and spend the day with us, but beware, I will not be catering like I normally do, it's self serve day, and I will be in my PJ's with my hair all a mess. Sometimes my parents and sis are with us, sometimes my best friend and her family come over, sometimes it's just the 4 of us.

Now for your situation, maybe you and hubby can come up with an alternating schedule. Every other year you spend Thanksgiving with your family, then Channukah with his. Then the next year you spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with yours.

But whatever you decide to do, make sure it does not put any undo stress on you or your family (meaning hubby and kids), that you can afford it, and that you WANT to do it. If for whatever reason you can't afford to travel or don't want to spend that time with that particular relative, DON'T. And there is no need to feel guilty about your decision if you are doing what you and hubby feel is best for your family and situation. If others can't understand that you are trying to be fair and do what is best for your family, that's their problem. And yes, there will be hurt feelings, but that is their problem, not yours.

I used to get the hurt feelings/guilt from my in-laws about not going to the EC for the holidays. We always invite them to come out here to spend time with us and the grandkids. We even offer to pay for their flights. THen hubby set them straight. Hello, it costs WAAAYYYY more for us as a family of 4 then for 2 of them to travel out here. And it's way more stressful for us to travel with a 4 and 2 year old (so a 3 and 1 year old last year, then a 2 and infant the year before),then it is for them to just hop on a plane by themselves. Especially during the crazy holiday season. Plus since we all are allergic to cats, we can't stay at my inlaws because they have a cat. So that would cause even more hurt feelings on their part. And even more expense on ours having to pay for a hotel. And not that I would expect this, but since we have offered and have paid for them to come out twice, it would be nice for them to offer to help us pay for our trip if they really want to see us that bad instead of guilt tripping us.

So because of all this, hubby and I came up with our Family Policy where we do what we need to do for our family and put others second and try not to feel guilty about it. And once we let my parents and especially his parents know that we will be sticking to our policy no matter what, at least hubby and I don't feel the stress anymore. We still get the guilt trip, but we've learned to let it go and just focus on having fun with our kids wherever we are.