Holiday Problems Already

my hubbys whole family is like that so I put my foot down and said we are staying home on Christmas and they don't like it or understand but they will get over it!

Why not stay home and celebrate? Politely let both families know that because they had both scheduled the same times, and you could not decide which one to go to, that you have decided to have a quiet evening at home together.

Found myself in the same boat. Not such a big deal til we were draggin a child along.
Don't go separate ways, alternate houses every year.
Our families are about an hour apart and similar dinner times on holidays too. We used to spend the day eating/running off...getting to the other house late & even missing dessert. Just not worth it. Start alternating years/holidays. Be the bigger person and go to HIS this year. It's better than running ragged.

Put your foot down and say that it is at your house this year. They are welcome to join you if they would like. Then try to shake off the guilt and enjoy your kids relaxing in their own house and creating memories other than sitting in a car going back and forth.

Be upfront with YOUR mother and YOUR mother-in-law b/c it sounds like neither of them are flexing. You reference your MIL, but your family could do something a little different... maybe do Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

If neither will adjust, then I would do Christmas Eve at your house at a reasonable hour (3:00) and invite them all to come and then stay home on Christmas Day. There is no need to truck all over creation on a day that should be about reflection and family.

I would tell everyone you are staying home and they are welcome to drop by, and than leave it at that. Unless you really want to go, than just decide what works best for your family, and tell everyone else they just have to accept that this is what is happening, end of discussion.

Quite honestly, I don't blame you for having had enough! If it were me, I would say this is the year that we DON'T run around and have Christmas at your own home.

Sit down and have a talk with your husband. Explain to him that not only is the drama and running around just taking all the joy out of the holiday for you, but you are tried of him being put in the middle. You are adults now, with your own family. I am not saying extended family and grandparents are not important, of course they are, BUT- you and your husband need to put your own little family first this time.

Tell him that you would like to not go ANYWHERE this Christmas. That way neither set of grandparents can feel like the other is being favored over them! Let the grandparents know that you would like to visit them the following day. If it will help smooth her over, give your MIL first choice- afternoon or evening- of the visit time for the 26th.

There is no doubt there will be hurt feelings about this. But ask yourself- won't there be SOMEONE'S hurt feelings anyway?? Also, if you put your foot down about this one issue and stick to it, they may back off of other things.

But you and your husband MUST be on the same page and support each other. It can be hard- because MILs love to guilt their sons, lol! But appeal to your husband as the head of YOUR family- that is what is important, that your family share a happy Christmas together without drama or stress.

Do not apologize to your parents or in laws- you are not really inconveniencing them by not coming. If they say you are and that the 26th won't work for a visit, just say " All right, what day would be better for us to come over?" and let them pick a day. Don't allow them to make you feel bad- if they had just been a little more helpful the situation would not have come up, after all!

Stick to your guns and maybe next year everyone will be willing to be a little more accommodating. Just ask your husband how nice it would be to sit and relax and snack on some ham and cookies and watch the kids play with their gifts and listen to Christmas music instead of racing around in the car, tense and arguing.
If you can do this, his family might be mad for little while, but in the end, they will have more respect for both of you! Good luck!!

It is so difficult to make everyone happy, I totally understand that. When our daughter was born 16 years ago, we had several family functions to attend, with divorced parents on both sides and other friends and fmaily who wanted to see us and our new, long awaited daughter.

Holidays were always stress ful for my hubby due to his parents situations and once our daughter came along, he started putting his foot down. It was crazy to be expected to get everywhere and please everyone and we did not get to enjoy any of the holidays really.

We have actually eliminated some of the family factions...sadly, others (both of my parents) have passed on, so only one big celebration on my side..we change it up everyear and are very flexible to suit everyones needs (last year it was the weekend after CHristmas, this year the one before), as its VITAL that we all get together. After losing our (long time divorced) parents and our stepmother too, the 4 siblings and one half sibling NEED to be together as a family (and one lives out of state now). You don't realize that until have suffered such loss, I think.

Someone either needs to bend and be flexible, or you need to be strong and opt out. This is what we ended up doing with my husbands mother. Our lives and holidays are way less stressful. She was given many many options, but refused to budge on her ideal gathering, so lost us in the mix. Sad, but true.

I wish you luck in your dillema.

Is there anyway to compromise at all? Can you ask your mother if she'll change her party this year to the day or Christmas Eve. Then tell your MIL that every year you run back in forth and you are NOT doing it next year. That your mother has been very considerate and moved her party this year so that the grandkids don't have to be shuffled around so much and that everyone can enjoy the holiday. Next year she will be having her party on Christmas day in the evening and you will be attending that, so she can either have it same time or bend a little, like your mother has. It gives her plenty of notice what your intents are, a chance to be a decent person and have a wonderful holiday, the true meaning of Christmas "Giving"

You don't indicate how old your children are or how long you have been living with this lack of compromise.

If his mother is that uncompromising and your husband isn't man enough to stand up for what his wife wants over what his mother wants that is just a really tough situation.

I'm sorry you are stuck in the middle of rock and a hard place.

I wouldn't compromis any longer. I would probably take the role of bad guy but she doesn't care so why should I or I would try to find out why she is so unforgiving and rigid or just have more thing at you place with the combined families and be loud about it letting everyone know that they all are invited. I would start this year for next's years Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. This way MIL can't cut in on you. Make the announcement at her house with everyone there so there is no confusion about it and keep the reminders flowing. Get everyone to bring their signature dish. It may even be a whole lot of fun spending the next year watching her try to manipulate and squirm her way out of this.

I really don't know what to tell you. It is a tough situation.

I agree with the moms saying.. give the best Christmas gift to your family this year.. Stay home!

It is so awesome to wake up when your child wakes up.. Stay in PJ's.. have coffee or mimosas or bloodies and let your children open and play with their gifts. If family wants to come and visit great.. But stay home this once.. It will change your lives..

From then on you will have a choice..go stay.

We had to pick between the families for so long and then when our daughter was 4.. we no longer did that. We went another day to see the grandparents.. or later in the day and went every other year to 1 and then the other..

You made a point to say that your MIL is not flexible in changing her day or time, and you seem to be ressentful about that and you are calling her out on the carpet for it, but you neglected to mention whether YOUR family may also be inflexible? Seems to me that no one is willing to flex here, if both families are still having their get togethers on the same day at the same time. Have you asked YOUR family to move their time to earlier in the day to make things simpler for you? Have you considered staying home with your family, and inviting everyone over on a DIFFERENT day to celebrate with your family?

My dad's family and my mom's family have both had their Christmas get togethers on Christmas Eve for my entire life (I'm 37), but my dad's side is always in the afternoon, and my mom's side is always in the evening. Long ago, there was some discussion about what worked for everyone, and since then, everyone has adapted to this arrangement. Couldn't someone compromise?

A last resort would be to alternate years if no one is willing to compromise.

I feel for you, we have similar issues with our families.

We originally would do the rushing from one house to the other on Christmas Day - after all, they only lived an hour apart, right? NOT - on Christmas Day, what is normally one hour in the car becomes two, or more. Considering that we were driving from VA up to either NJ or NY for Xmas Eve & Christmas breakfast, then spending a bunch of the day in the car transiting to the other family's house for Christmas dinner and then often had to drive back to VA on the 26th - it was a serious PITA!

Then we had kids, then my parents stopped insisting on Xmas in their house on Long Island (it was too small to hold the family anymore), so my family moved our Xmas to PA, and *then* my DH and I decided for our own sanity to start the 'alternate holiday' thing. Whichever family we spent Thanksgiving with, we spent Christmas with the other family. We still tried to fit both families in for each holiday of course (ugh - lots of car time), but at least that headed off the main problems of who gets the 'big day'.

Of course those problems have just evolved over time, as well. Last year's holidays were such a mess that I put my foot down and said we would FINALLY have Christmas at our own house for once. OK, fine and good.

So, this year we should have Thanksgiving at my parents house (keeping with the rotation), so of course my MIL plans a big Tday at her house and sends us all a big sob story in email about how they are putting their house on the market and this will be their 'last ever' Tday at the house so she really wants to have a big dinner with all the family there. ACK! So of course, my DH wants to do dinner there, thus messing up our nice, fair rotation. (Of course, they have been talking about putting the house on the market for over 8 years now, so I am also doubtful that this will be their 'last' holiday in the house - but that is their problem, I am going to hold them to it!)

Then, I saw my mother in October for a family event and she's all like, what, we won't see you for Christmas Day? why can't you just drive up during the day and we'll all have dinnner together? I'll move dinner later, all your sibs will be there with their families, why can't you? and more catholic guilt. All three of my sibs are lucky in that their inlaws do huge Italian Christmas Eve things, so they are all free for Xmas day - and they all live within an hour of each other, while we live 4+ hours away (on a good day's drive.) So, of course, I am the only one with this problem, so I am now the problem for the rest of my family. It works for them, so I am supposed to make my life fit to them - every single time, and if I don't then *I* am the bad guy, messing up the holiday for my mom. = (

Add to this the issues of when to exchange gifts (they said no to Thanksgiving, too early), and that my oldest DD's birthday is Dec 30th - we always have big family parties for the kids, and this is one of two opportunities we have each year that everyone comes to OUR house for a change. I swore when I was pregnant with her that I would never *ever* mix her birthday with Christmas and we moved her family party to the weekend after New Year's every year to accommodate everyone's schedules (including our own, since WE are always out of town for Christmas and exhausted from traveling with a messy house to boot on her birthday.) So, if we don't see my family for Christmas somehow, they will end up doing the Xmas gifts for all the kids at my DD's birthday - there are 9 kids in my family, ages 2 months to 13 - that is a lot of Xmas presents flying around ON MY DD"S birthday party day!! = (

So, of course we are doing exactly what they all want:
Driving from VA up to NJ on Thanksgiving to my MIL's, driving that night over to my parents for their Trim-a-tree party on Friday, then staying the night and driving home to VA on Saturday. That gets us home in time we might be able to get some of our own stuff done, like put up OUR tree. Of course, we'll log about 12-15 hours in the car over the course of the three days, but they don't care about that.

Then we'll be staying home Christmas Eve, but driving up to my parents place in PA (leaving by 11am) on Christmas Day, so that we can be there for the big dinner and gift exchange, then staying the night and driving home on the 26th, because I have to work on Monday the 27th. Fun fun fun - not! So that will be another 10+ hours in the car over the course of two days.

Still have no idea what we're doing about gift exchange for my DH's side of the family, but they are usually last-minute planners, so they probably won't get their acts together until the middle of December to decide. I'm figuring on mailing all their gifts.

I told my DH that this year is the absolute *last* one we're doing this. Hopefully by next year the MILs will be in AZ - too far to visit easily - and they'll have to come East for the holidays, to us and his brothers. Of course, they will probably go to NJ, but since they won't have a house, I don't feel we are obligated to get a hotel to go see them - they can come down and visit with us.

And we are *really*, finally, going to spend at least one entire holiday at our own home. I'm 40 and would love to actually be able to make a big holiday dinner for my family in my own home one of these years! I'm going to give my family fair warning that gifts need to be exchanged earlier, or given, but NOT OPENED at my daughter's birthday party and I'm going to [try really hard to] STICK WITH IT.

So, thanks for listening to my personal rant.
Basically, you are not alone.
Choose your holiday and stick with your choice!
Go as a family, together, and leave as a family, together - don't do the he goes to his family and I go to mine thing - that is not family unity and puts the kids in a really bad spot. Not to mention giving your MIL leverage.

As for Easter - unless your child has a big deal that the birthday HAS to be on his/her actual day, don't sweat it! My DD *loves* getting multiple birthday cakes - one on the actual date just for the four of us, and another at her big birthday party with the family. On the year that the birthday falls on Easter itself, the dessert for Easter should be a birthday cake and everyone singing the song (no presents, though), and you should still have your child's party on a separate day.

HTH - strength to you!

Well Christmas is about family. I know you've had lots of people say to blow them both off and stay home, but that seems like a really sad lesson to teach the children. They should be taught the true meaning of Christmas of course, but also that it's about spending time with family. I think you and your husband splitting up would be very sad for the children. Tell your mother that you don't want to spend half the day driving and would like more quality time with family so you'll be alternating. This year is spent with your hubby's family. If that bothers her, then she will change the time. Otherwise, you'll go to your family's house next year and not his. Fair enough.

Sorry for the craziness! Everyone needs to realize that after a couple has kids, traveling on the holidays will eventually change. Maybe this is the year you put your foot down and tell both sides of the family that you're having Christmas at YOUR house, and you would love to have them come over Christmas day from ?-?. That way, YOU are in control of the situation, and not to mention, you don't have to travel all over the world with kids & toys in tow. They may not like this, but it's a fact of life. I bet they did it when their children were young. You could ask them it would be great if they could help out with dinner by bringing a dish. That way you only have the main course and dessert to worry about. This is what I've had to do, and it has been a lifesaver. I've been able to be with my kids, in our house and see their faces when they find what Santa brings. We take our time, and let them enjoy the moment instead of "rushing" to get ready to leave to go to Grandma's. Your husband needs to stand up to his mother and back you on this. MIL's have a hard time relinquishing control, but she needs to in my opinion. She is not the spotlight anymore, the grandkids are. Good luck and no matter what you decide, try to be happy for your kids memories! :)

You obviously CAN'T physically be at 2 places at the same time! So I would think the only option would be to go to MIL every other year and your family party the opposite year. If MIL doesn't like that, too bad. What else can you do? Maybe then she would be more willing to cooperate!

I feel for you, my own mother is the one who won't be flexible in these sitiuations. Maybe you could switch off every other year. Start this year with your MIL just to keep the peace and give her enough warning about next year.

Stay home with your family this year - enjoy and relax! Is that an option?

I think that you invite everyone (your husbands siblings and all) to your house - and whoever comes comes....and if they don't, they don't, that is just it. Your husband needs to put his foot down with his family, and if needed, you need to put your foot down with yours. I would quit cowaring to her requests. You need to worry about your immediate family, your husband and kids. Eventually she will either get the hint or she won't. Or something that works for us is.....we do Thanksgiving with his side of the family, then we do Christmas with my side of the family one year, then the next year we switch and do Thanksgiving with my side of the family and Christmas with his side of the family. We would still meet up for Christmas with the opposite side of the family at some point, but we just don't try to do everything on the same day....it is too much stress on everyone, especially the kids. This way, we can go and relax and spend the day with each family without the stress of rushing from place to place. Hope that helps out a little bit, and that your husband is willing to put his foot down with his mother.

If your family is willing to compromise, could you have yours over on Christmas Eve? Sounds like they may be easier to work with.

Trust me -your kids are or will be sick of it too! Take it from someone who was dragged everywhere every Christmas growing up! You either need to draw straws this year to start this process -and decide that you'll alternate families every year (his one and yours the next). OR -why don't you stay at your place? If MIL has a fit, let her know that it has really become impossible to manage all the family conflicts, so you are doing your own thing (or you'll see her every other year for Christmas). You could also invite them all to your home if you want. MIL has to understand (as does your family) that family celebrations change when children grow up and have children and families of their own.

As far as the Easter birthday -personally I wouldn't have my child's birthday party on a major holiday, BUT if you want to and it's on Easter -tell her you won't be coming that year because you're having a birthday party for your child. None of these has to be done in an argumentative way -just simply and calmly state the way things will be. If she goes ballistic -tell her you'll talk to her when she calms down and hang up. This is actually advice for your husband who needs to grow up and tell "Mommy" what you two have decided and how it's going to be. Remind him where his bread is buttered!

As far as Christmas being about family -sure -until everyone is pissed and miserable! It should be about YOUR family first and whoever you can see or have over during the holiday -that's great -but I think the best lesson is to teach your kids that holidays are a time of peace and celebration -not of racing all over the earth to appease a bunch of inflexible inlaws while you're seething inside.

We live in the same neighborhood with both sets of family and STILL have the same problem!! Finally I convinced my family to have 'OUR' together time during the Christmas Eve gathering since the inlaws don't have a big thing Christmas Eve.

My suggestion is this: take 2 cars to the house that is farther from home. Your MIL? Go 2 hours early. Spend your family time helping to setup for the party, etc. Ask some siblings if THEY can come early. Spend about 45m 'party' minutes there. Then you and the kids hop in the car to your parents house. Hubby can then meet you there or back at your house.

M.

What about having a Christmas eve at one and the day w/ the other? I don't have answers for you, either, but that is what we do generally. Then some years, we just say we're staying home on Christmas day and that's that and we sip champagne in our jammies and open gifts leisurely. In regards to the both the Easter and Christmas dilemmas, your MIL needs to bend. This "my way or the highway" NEVER works. Why don't you guys just opt out this year, so to speak? Stay at home and do your own thing? Or host everyone at your house.

alternate years. Prioritize your family one year, his the next. That's what my hubby and I do... It's only fair.

My EX-MIL was the same way, and it got pretty annoying. What I did was tell her I would be hosting all major holidays at my home & she's welcome to come, end of story. She did come to my house & we ALL spent it together, both families. Now this year, different issue, new solution. I have older children as well as a toddler. Older kids are torn between my house, their Dad's house, their Gma's house & their bf's or gf's parents house's. Our solution, each year we switch off. This year I'm making Thanksgiving dinner the weekend before so I can have my kids all together for a meal. Thanksgiving day, hubby's family & my Mom. Christmas, one day my family, the other day hubby's family. Solved!!! :) Good luck, remember the 'true' meaning of the holidays in all of this and ENJOY!!!!

Sounds like you may need to alternate or decide to stay home every year.

This is one of the biggest stressors every holiday season. My parents are divorced and live 4 hours away from us. DH's parents are divorced and remarried and live in the same area as us. We didn't mind all the running around, rotating, and craziness before kids, but now that the our kids are 8 and 11, I really, really wish we would have put our foot down from the beginning and refused to travel and split days/evenings. Don't even get me started on hauling gifts and worrying how to even out "Santa" gifts between our kids and all the cousins, ugh! We ususally do the rotation thing, but with the divorces and multiple families, we always have those family members who feel slighted and will lay on the guilt trips. We are happily staying home this year for Christmas. Our kids are beyond thrilled. I'm thinking we will now do this every year. If you're always "rotating" and doing something different, I don't think the kids get the same sense of "family tradition"

I like what Melanie D. said

Ugh...I get it. I think you should have your family come to you for a brunch or early lunch on Christmas Day and then go to MILs in the evening. NOT ideal, I know but I'm a firm believer in family time, although sometimes i even question my own judgement! ;) Since your family seems willing to accomodate, do it. I don't think it's worth getting in a huge fight with your husband over, besides I think kids and grandparents really enjoy being together on the holidays, I know I did (the birthday thing is a bit different, I agree with you there), so I try and make it happen for everyone. Next year I think you should either talk with your family to change your tradition and make it earlier in the day OR talk with hubby and each family and say that you're only going to one house and you will switch Christmas each year. Maybe you could do Christmas Eve in one place and C. Day in another??