Holidays, Blended Families, Feelings Hurt, CAN'T VISIT EVERYONE!!

Same thing, every year but I stand my ground. Sometimes I do host Thanksgiving but for the most part am willing not to. My rule is I will travel ANY other day (including the holidays) except Christmas. If you want to see me or my kids on 12/25, my door will be open.

Join the military. Haha!!
Seriously, it's kinda funny reading all of these. My husband and I live 2,000 miles away from either one of our parents (1,000 from the nearest family) and we find ourselves TRYING to make plans to have the holidays feel like something different for a change.
You're a grown woman with a family; stand your ground and know your limits. Or, if not, let your baby destroy the house of whomever pressured you into visiting (oh, I'm SORRY! It's just so hard to keep him contained in a non-childproof house for eight hours. But, you SO insisted on us visiting....) and maybe they'll change their tune next time around. :)
I AM half kidding about that (yes, only half). I just have no patience for people, family or not, that makes you feel guilty for dumb things like that. They should know that you love them and let you have your holidays to yourself if that's what you want. Their insecurities and preconceived notions about what you are SUPPOSED to do should have no bearing on how you decide to spend your time.

My family went through this for years. I have 9 brothers and sisters and most of them are married. It was a nightmare for the families. My mother put an end to it years ago. She decided that the 2nd weekend in December is the Family Thanksgiving/Christmas party. It took all the pressure off of choosing sides for the holidays. If you want to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas, you are welcome, but this way there are no obligations or guilt trips to show up on these days. Maybe you can try to do the same. Start your own family tradition of spending the actual holiday at home, and then have a Holiday party day for the family. The party is so much fun and I think it is mainly because there is no stress on deciding where to go and no feelings get hurt because you pick one side over the other.

After having kids, we decide to split up the holidays. Thanksgiving with one side, Christmas with both, and Easter with the other. Because my mom hosts Christmas and she lives 5 minutes away, it works out going to both places. My in laws are constantly criticizing my house behind my back, so I really don't want them over and hosting is too stressful for me. But my SIL got to your point and she just told everyone if you want to see us, you need to come to us. We get together with her Christmas Eve, her MIL comes to her place on the holidays, and some years her parents come over, some years they get funny and stay home. That is a risk she is willing to take for staying in the comfort of her home. If you want to host, just put your foot down and announce you are hosting.

well, if you allow folks to guilt you, then you really have no option but misery. if you take a stand against the guilt then you can allow yourself to have a nice holiday.
we took our infant tahelangone on our first christmas as a family. ice and fog on the way home made the day interminable, including trying to nurse an exhausted overstimulated tiny in the car on the side of the road in the frozen dark.
from that day on, christmas has been here and anyone who wants to come is welcome. my side of the family all travel here. i'm sure sometimes they resent it. they are always free to abstain and we can arrange a different time to get together. we have a big get-together for my husband's family on a date close to christmas. sometimes my sweet MIL gets *sad* that we don't visit her on the big day (she's christian, i'm not) and i hug her and tell her i love her but we don't budge on christmas. since i don't waffle or prevaricate or make excuses or give anyone the slightest leeway to push me around on this, no one ever tries. whatever snittiness develops from it is expressed far away from me. i am absolutely accommodating for any arrangement that doesn't involve me getting into a car on christmas, and that holds now that my boys tower over me.
christmas is a cultural holiday for me (my spiritual observance takes place on the solstice) but it's a biggie, one that i love. obviously it's not okay to deliberately make others miserable, but people need to step up and take responsibility for their own meltdowns. i don't force anyone here. i just won't leave. the holiday season is long enough that i can see everyone i want to see (and a good few i don't) in that time frame. i realize i cannot please everyone and if i'm happy, i can spread the love from that position of joy. if it's selfish, so be it.
:) khairete
S.

R.,
Everyone goes through this to some degree, not just blended families! There's never enough time to get everywhere we "need" to be. I hate when we end up spending the holidays in the car driving from place to place. It gets better as they get older, more independent, more moblile but it's still irritating.
My family is fairly flexible, but my in-laws REFUSE to leave their teeny tiny house on Christmas Eve OR Christmas Day so we "have" to go there. Must be nice, huh?! Maybe you & I should try that philosophy: "Oh--we'll be here--just stop in to see us!" Grrrrrrrrr........

I have several thoughts on this post...mainly because I grew up a military brat so all holidays were spent just me, mom, dad and my brother. I longed to have to go all over, to see all the family, to have all that chaos!

My hubby and I lucked out because his family does Christmas on Christmas eve and then my parents have theirs on Christmas day. We have told them we'll be over after 12 to spend it with them because we want the mornings to ourselves.

It's my belief that as long as our parents/families want us to come over, we'll continue to do so. However, if it affected us spending time together (as in going over there first thing Christmas morning), we would not do it.

I like the idea of telling everyone that you will be home and anyone is welcome to come by. Or if may sound like it's time to set up a Christmas get together on another day than the 24th or 25th. Good luck!

My mom's not Catholic, but boy does she EVER try to guilt me into EVERYTHING! It's ridiculous! Unfortunately, she won't change, and I doubt your mother will either. If you go around making yourself crazy for everyone else, all that will do is make you crazy. It will increase your stress levels, etc, which is actually really bad for your heart and health in general. Start now letting everyone know that this is your choice not theirs, and those who try to stress and guilt you the most are practically begging for you to go elsewhere. Also, realize that sometimes being selfish is a bad thing, but sometimes it's just taking care of yourself. (Physically, mentally, emotionally.) That's not a bad thing. Do what you need to do for you. Try to get bf on board, and realize that a big family means you can't see everyone at the very least, and you shouldn't have to be guilted into it. Maybe you could rotate holidays-one family gets each of 3 holidays per year. You, your family, and bf's family. (My family always gets together for 4th of July, so I included that.) Then, each family gets one holiday, and gets to see everyone once a year, but it's not the same holiday. Alternate them every year. That way at least once every three years, you get each holiday off. If families try to guilt you into too much, tell them they won't get their next holiday. Let them know that guilting you into something is not acceptable, especially when holidays are supposed to be about loving one another. Loving someone doesn't mean smothering or guilting, it means looking out for their best for them. Good luck!

Ah, and again we have the same issue. Or would if my family didn't know that I am stubborn as all get out and like to do the big meals at my house. It works out now that we have a house big enough for everyone, and no animals. My kids are allergic and I dislike listening to 3 dogs bark because they are caged or in the backyard. SO...with that being said. Thanksgiving is usually at my house. Whoever wants to come can. Christmas Eve is and always will be at my parents house. Hopefully my siblings fall in like with this. We do gifts with my parents that night and have the taco's for dinner that we grew up having. We did that because it was quick and with 5 kids, two working parents, and church at night, it had to be quick and easy :). Christmas morning is always at my house, and then again, traditionally (at least this will be the 3rd year) we do the big meal at my house. Again, same reasons PLUS the kids have all of their new stuff that I dont want to make them leave or lug with us. If people don't like it, I really don't care. But I know it is tough. I started WW3 by inviting all 4 of my siblings and their significant others because no one else (besides my parents) talks to my older sister's bf, and then it blew up into bigger than that. You are not alone and don't let anyone make you feel bad for it!

Just stay home and call people on the phone for a quick chat during the course of the holiday. Holidays are only as complicated as you want them to be. I've had some relatives take breaks from sending Christmas cards - they'll do it once every other year - while others will just go on a holiday cruise and relax.

girl, with a baby, this is the perfect timing to get this how you want it NOW! I posted about how after 12 years to get the family parties moved to MY house and not my MOMS!! So maybe have an "open house from 1-4. Anyone can come over between then and exchange presents with each other. That way, morning is left for just "your" family and dinner with whoever you want or to stay at home! And if you spread it out, you don't have to worry about too many people at once and the house being too small. If people are over and then more show up you just announce that they need to leave because new people are here now. Good luck to you!!!

It has been my life as well until I started having my own children. Starting in 2005 I had three lovely children in 36 months. I put my foot down and pretty much everyone has been coming to us. With the exception of a few traditions that haven't changed yet. My mother always reminds me there are 12 days of Christmas.......
My father's family started getting together on New Year's Day and having a gift exchange game. New theme every year. Took the pressure off to see everyone...
Good Luck!!!

When I became a mom I changed the way holidays were handled, especially Christmas. Christmas morning is ALWAYS at home. If you want to see my kids anytime before lunch, then you know where to find us. I remember Christmas morning growing up, we were always at home together as a family enjoying the time together, opening gifts, playing together and not having to rush to get ready for the next place. I made our new plan known to everybody, like it or not. It has worked out great and everybody understands.

I think your answer is in what you said - your children aren't safe in a non-baby proofed home. I would just take the heat and say "oh, it's just too difficult with the 3 of them on the move now." Just tell them you will come on Xmas Eve or before/after Thanksgiving and you can celebrate then but the day of, you will be home. It's time to start your own traditions.

Hi R.,

All I can say is my sisters and I would always end up in tears after a long, terrible day of trying to visit all of our blened family. It was so stressful.

I like the idea that someone mentioned below. There are twelve days of Christmas. Why not celebrate Epiphany with one part of the family?

You need to take care of yourself.

C.

We went through this for years, also. I don't have any issue at all with Thanksgiving, I actually really like to go up for that long weekend & we get to do a ton of shopping on Black Friday as well. It's Christmas that's the killer.

We live 1 state away and my husband works rotating shifts so he doesn't always have Christmas Eve or even Christmas Day off. Feelings were hurt & eventually I dug my heels in & just said I wouldn't be up until the following weekend a few years ago when the kids got bikes for Christmas which was I believe on a Wednesday that year. I just didn't think it was fair for them to open all their presents & then have to leave them for the day.

We were actually going up on Christmas Eve & spending the night for the first few years but I had to put a stop to it. I haven't decided yet how this year will play out with Christmas being on a Saturday, but I'm sure when we go up for Halloween this weekend it'll come up.