Homesickness

Smell is a very powerful emotional memory for children. When my daughter was that age and anxious about being away from me I used to spray her teddy -- or some item that she could sleep with -- with my perfume. The scent I used most often -- the scent she knew me by..... it worked like a charm. She just smelled it and felt calmer while going to sleep in a strange place. I can still remember exactly how my Grandmothers sheets smell and it has been over 50 years. It is a wonderful memory.

Talk to her and find out why she is reluctant to do this. She may have a fear that you will not be there when she returns. She may have a fear that she has an embarrassing behavior that she does not want anyone else to know about, like dreaming, snoring, drooling etc... If she is just scared then you could let her have a special pillowcase. Maybe if there is a perfume or body spray that you normally wear you could put some on her pillow and pillow case. If it is a behavior explain to her that everyone has something. If it is something like having accidents then let her wear the disposable type of underware that she can throw away discretely. Good Luck

You don't say how long you and her father have been separated. Could she be worried about you being alone? Has something happened that she has not been able to tell you about. It may not be something her father did, it could be something that happened when she was visiting someone else or even something that she has heard someone say or something that was on the local news. If she will not open up to you about why she feels so insecure then you should seek counseling for her. If you attend church you might seek counseling there. I have heard that art can be helpful in getting children to express their fears. You might even ask if her school has a child psychologist and ask if you can talk with them about her behavior. When I worked at a summer camp for children years ago we did have some children that suffered from homesickness, but we were usually able to get them through it by reassuring them that we had lots of fun activities for them and they would be home soon and we just had a short time at camp and that everything would be ok. The children were usually fine during the day - a lot of times homesickness came at night when they were trying to get to sleep. Try and talk with her and see if you can figure out if this is just a phase or if something is truly worrying her. A 3 day camp sounds like a lot of fun. Could you go? Would she be homesick if you were there? I know I have probably had a lot more questions than answers for you. Good luck.

Hi Anette!I was reading your e-mail and wonder if you had a talk with your daughter as to why she dosen't to go away from home.Have you had a talk whether shr has been touched or not in an impproporate way.Just aq thought That crossed my mind.Be encouraged and God Blessed.

I did go to sleepovers at that age, and with one friend it was fine, at a party, I hated it. I liked being home too, although at 12, I spent the summer with my grandmother, and loved that. I wonder if something happened to your daughter once, that she has never told you about, or maybe she saw something at a movie, or tv, that scared her. I am surprised that she is supposed to go to a camp, with her background. Her idea or yours? Anyway, she is 12, she has many years to live away from you, and we all mature at our own rate.I would not stress over this, or mention it at all, and play it by ear, and be glad that she is a homebody.

somethings not right. if she has a councilor at school talk to them and see if they will talk to her

If she USED to stay overnights away from you and then stopped, there may have been something that happened that she's too embarrassed to tell you about (even something that someone ELSE did to her and maybe threatened her 'if she tells'). I'd try to get a little deeper and find out if she's been molested. Stuff happens.

Talk to her and find out if something has happened to her when she spends the night with her dad or someone else. There may be a good reason that she doesn't want to do it. Don't ask leading questions. Don't put words in her mouth. Just ask open ended questions and see if you can figure out if something has happened.

So I am wondering - who wanted to sign up for the camp knowing that she has such a hard time away from home? The basic issue is trust - isn't it? Or the worry that something bad will happen to you and then she'll be separated from you forever.

My son who is 10 is a worrier (like me - he got it honest - what can I say) but I talk with him a lot about those fears that he has. Mostly for him it's missing his family and thinking that something bad will happen while he's away. But it's never prevented him from going away overnight. Maybe it's just more intense for your daughter.

Don't rush her. Why make her go away to camp and then count on strangers to comfort her. She may not even confide in anyone how bad she's feeling. Why put her through it?
Spend lots of time talking with her about her feelings and find out what she worries about. And then together you two can figure out how to help her deal with it.

If it's basic anxiety - teach her some relaxation techniques - deep breathing, focus ideas (think about something you really really like), calming music, etc.

If it's specific worries, play out the scenario that she's dreading - WHAT IF . . .
Like - OK, what if I get in a car accident and I die. You will be terribly sad - but you still have (name other family members who she trusts and counts on) and they will take care of you. If you haven't already done so, make out your will and show her who you've determined to be her guardian, who she lives with, etc.... Let her know that you take her concerns seriously and that you and she CAN take steps to deal with those unknown horrible scenarios that she allows to take over her imagination.
This is only my ideas and some of the things that I have done with my worry wart son. Best to you and your sweet daughter,
M.