House Hubby Help

Hi C.,
I have no idea what you've tried so far or how you tried to communicate your concerns to him. I recommend trying to communicate with him through "I statements". ex, I am tired after working ____ hours; I don't have time or (mental/ physical) energy to also clean, bathe the child, _____); I am exhausted and would like more help.

I have no information about his attitude or behavior, so I have no idea if this will work. If he is feeling insecure about losing his job or not being able to provide for his family, it's possible he will interpret anything you say as a dig against his ability to what is necessary. This emphasizes the importance of making "I" statements because it puts the spotlight on you and your needs and is not saying anything about him at all. It is about YOU - what YOU NEED - it is NOT about what he is failing to do. I hope this makes sense and that it helps! Good luck
J. G

Wow - without making him feel like a child - I would wait for the the right time to have a conversation about how it makes you feel to still have to do all of those things.

Yes men can be less organized than we are but he is not an invalid correct?

Write down what you would like assistance in. Show him everything you still do PLUS work 50-500 hours a week.

It's not fair needless to say exhausting.

Keep your head up!

A.

I have been the main provider for the family since I married my hubby about 15 yrs ago. He has worked off and on at the et go, but since before we had our 5 yr old he hasn't had a job (well other then taking care of the kids). I do get flustrated at time about the house... I'm currently laid-off since my employer of 12 yrs closed it doors in July. But when I was working 40 hr and going to school full time - I still had to manage to get the laundry done, dishes washed and take care of the kids when I was home, plus find time for homework.

I do think men aren't as organized & they just don't see things as "dirty" as we do. His way of washing dishes is wash them as you need them... they don't need to be clean & put away - you just get them back out and use them, so save a step or two. The reson I do the laudry is because - he just washes... no folding or putting away. If he washes clothes they all end up on the couch & I have a couch full of clothes to fold when I walk in the door - sorry, but that's not what you want to see when you come home.

At to the budget... my hubby is lost when he see the bills. It just to much for him - they stress him out to the point of no return. I try not to even talk to him about them anymore. But lately I have had to... since unemployment doesn't go as far. He has been doing odd jobs for the neighbors (drywall, painting, snow removal, mowing, pourch repair) to make up for what unemployment can't pay & to cover diapers and stuff. But I just tell him what I'm short and he finds a way of making it, not what it's for or why I need it. For us it cuts down on the stress & fighting.

Until you put your foot down about his spending it will continue... at this point my hubby askes if we have the funds to get *****. If I tell him we don't, then we don't get it. Sorry to say, but when he has a bank card we had more issues with spending. But everything at this point is in my name. Yes, his name is on the checking account, but he doesn't get the checkbook. So, everytime something get bought I'm there or I handed him the money or gift cards for it. I know it might not be the best way, but it's what works for us.

Believe me it's not an easy situation to be in... most people don't understand why the man is at home & the woman is the one working. But all families are a little different. I did like one of us home with our kids till pre-k, but I do wish it was me - not him. Right now the thing we seem to fight about is me getting a job... I'm trying to find one - I've sent my resume all over town & even started sending it out places farther from home, but with the market it's a hard search. He doesn't understand that and think I should have had something by now... I had an interview (actually 2) with a company a few weeks ago & was excited after meeting with them (they even told me they were extreemly impressed) but I found out from someone that works there they hired someone else. I think he is starting to see it's not me wanting to stay home (eventhough it's my dream job), I just can't find anything with everyone else looking to.

But anyways... your best bet right now is to talk to your hubby. Explain to him what is bothering you, try to listen to what he says to you also. Somedays can be hard when you have a little one at your feet (I have 3, so believe me I know). So, try to be understanding to that fact. My hubby use to think I like giving the kids baths cause it was alone time we could share... but I had a hard time getting down to bathe them sometimes with my knees & hips. When he finaly saw it actually was hurting me to do it, I would sit with them & talk to them during play time in the tub, then he would wash them & I would dry them after they got out. I do have to say if your hubby is anything like mine... it may take longer for him to see what is going on and how it is effecting you, but his love is so strong for you he will try to fix it the best he can to make it better for you.

Just remember if you want something to change - you have to stick to your guns on it. Good luck - I do hope my rambling helped a little.

Wow can you adopt me too!!! I would tell him if he is not going to help pull his weight at home, Get a full time job and your daughter will be full time daycare. I would tell him you are supposed to be partners helping one another. If he wants to be taken care of like a child tell him to move home with his mother. You have a spoiled hubby, time for him to step up and act like a man. Good luck!

I right now am the sole provider for my family. I can tell you that I give my husband an allowance that he is allowed to spend. We dotn have much at the end of the month and If he went out and bought a PS3 that could be catastrophic for us. So I give him his own money to spend. The rest goes to the house and our daughter. My husband is very understanding for the fact the we are getting ready to have our 2nd child. So we are both on a bit of a budget right now. I enjoy my shopping as much as the next girl does!!! I say since he cant seem to get everything done if you can afford to hire someone to do it for you and take it out of his budget that he gets so that he can understand how much your time is worth. I dont understand something. Why is your child in daycare? If your husband is at home all day with nothing to do then he should watch him and you can save on daycare expenses. I understand that he is taking classes online but he can do that and Watch your child. If he has time to play the PS3 then he needs to be spending that time with his child. Times are tough. I say you are the one making the money so you get the final word in how it gets spent. When my husband was working he always made more money that I and he always got the final word. Now things are not like that. I can tell you all the bills are paid on time and my child has everything she needs. Thats my opinion on your case. It doesnt work for everyone but it works great for my family.

Hi, I can relate. What I did was go on strike when it came to him. I still worked, go to nursing school at night, take care of kids, and cleaned the house. So when I did the laundry I didn't clean his clothes, if he asked me to pick up something from the store for him, I didn't. I slept on the couch, when he tried to kiss me I turned and he had to kiss my cheek. After about 1 week of that, he changed. I explained to him that we are a team and a team is having both players involved and when he don't want to be on my team then I go on strike.

I think that you really have to pick your battler.

First the bathing and putting the baby to bed. I would fight for that privledge. Especially if you are working all day. This is great time you will never be able to get back.

As far as the cleaning, I do not think it is a bad thing to ask him to do more.

As for the budget, sometimes you have to take the reigns and say I am going to do it for a little while. Either a you will appreciate what he is doing, or b he will appreciate your work. I think sometimes you just need to walk a mile in the other persons shoes.

I am not in your shoes. However, my husband is not organized that way. I am constantly after him to help more. I have control over the money. Even when I was working I had control over the money. A lot of men just can't seem to handle it, they see that the money is there ane don't see the big picture and spend. I say that with the hours that you are working that you take what ever time you can with your little one. Then tell your husband what you expect of him, it will not hurt him to contribute more around the house. As for the budget and the monetary aspect, take control back. You are the sole bread winner and you really need to know what is going on at this point and if you are coming home from a hard days work, nothing is getting done around the house and there is a brand new game system in the house I say it is time for changes.

Good luck.

S.

Hi C.,
I want to be as gentle as possible because I know you love your husband and I'm sure he loves you and the kids. However, If he is not working and not in pain everyday, he needs to take on ALL of the household responsibility! Cleaning, cooking, full time childcare. If he is home why is your childcare in daycare even part time? and if he has time to play a PS# he has time to clean the house. I used to be in your situation too! I will always make more than my husband and fo a while he stayed home with our two children while I worked- But I came home to a clean house and dinner on the table! You should talk with him and lay down some ground rules. My husband is a "gamer" too, but since having kids he had to hang that up in order to spend the time with our children. Good luck!

Hi C.- My hubby was the SAHD for 2 years and our son was out of the house till 3pm. My hubby cooked , cleaned and took the clothes to the laundry mat and washed them. Thing was he did all this but strictly on his own schedule. Meaning he'do bathrooms maybe one week on a Monday then following week a Thursday. Dust would pile up on the furniture and he'd get to it eventually. At first I went a little nuts and if I saw stuff undone I'd do them. That worked to my detriment as hubby was ok if I helped out. So I zipped my mouth and let it go. One day I asked him wouldn't be easier for you to write yourself a weekly schedule so you don't forget something. He said he never thought of that and sounded good. He put up on the dry board his list of things to do and checked off when done. He actually said to me he felt more gratified at physically checking off the list. Different strokes as it were. I would definitly voice sharing the work load to clean bathroom and kitchen, men can be oblivious but can hear if you tell them your concerns. Bathing your daughter might be the only chance you spend time with her and you might want to keep that job for yourself. But on nights you are too tired you should ask hubby to wash her and you can hang around with them in the bathroom and chat with your daughter and him. You are doing the best you can and since you work so many hours you shouldn't stress yourself too much. Your hubby just needs some suggestions from you to pick up the slack.

I wish I had an answer for you. I am in a similar situation- 3 yr old, 1/2 time pre-school. Sole provider. Don't work as many hours as you do (not by choice). My husband has an auto-immune arthritic disorder that keeps him from working. At times he can hardly move!!

Yes, I would say he is less organized. As far as cleaning- I have learned not to be so neurotic. I let it go. Ocassionally when my mom sits (baby or housesit) for me she will clean. Not that I ask her to.

I can say my husband tries. He physically can't do as much. He cooks dinner. I do get my daughter to be, but then I feel I have to- it is "mommy- baby time".

One thing I just started doing this week. Was shower with my daughter. (my shower is big enough)- this kind of streamlines bath time. She loves it!!! I only did it because she was irritated "down there"- due to some diarrhea & it was too painful for her to sit in the tub.

Might want to consider counseling- in dealing with $$ issue. I know a great one in the Land O Lakes area that is reasonable. IF you want the info- email me privately.

Financial Peace University - Dave Ramsey. It will help with all of the money issues which really helps to start the organization process. The classes are online OR via video at many churches in small group settings. I highly recommend taking the time to go.

men and women are both equally competent in the work place and at home (as long as your child is not breast feeding). the question is are you happy at the work place? you may be and you may not be? once you answered that question you can address your question above. If your answer is yes than all he really needs is some training in cooking and cleaning. You probably want to spend time with your child when you get home from work? right? putting your child to sleep and bathing them precious moments:)

Print your question and the answers provided and let him read it and then talk to him about it. I know this is what I would do, but I'm also 22 he's 23 and we have been married for 4 years, I would never be happy nor would I tolerate that. He is in construction and at the time I was working as well, he still managed to clean and cook on days he got off early to surprise me and vise versa we also take great joy in doing night time routine with our 2 year old daughter. Now I am a stay at home momma and he STILL helps with cleaning/cooking/child :) As far as budget...I think I feel every womans pain with the dang PS3....He might feel bored--stressed even. I know when my husband feels angry upset stressed he plays video games...Someone needs to be the Indian and someone needs to be the Cheif with the money. Hope all works out well...and for the immature side of me lol-talk naked, it takes the edge off and makes it more fun and less arguementative!

I skimmed some of the other answers and I disagree with anyone who says they will not "thank" their husband for helping since it's his job. I don't care who you are, if you feel appreciated, you are more likely to WANT to help and to do a good job at it. I am a SAHM and it would SUCK if my husband just took me for granted and didn't both SHOW his appreciation as well as TELL ME how much he appreciated what I do. Your approach to him will depend on a lot of things we don't know--- what was his mom like when he was living with her? What is your relationship like? How is your communication? What has worked in the past as far as communication with him? What is his personality? One mom suggested a schedule for her husband and he uses a white board-- if I suggested that to my stubborn husband he would rebel, so you have to know your man and figure out what works for you. For MY relationship... here's what worked for US... I was working full time, then stayed at home for a few years. When I went back to work, I was very frustrated that I was now working full time AND still responsible for everything I was doing when I stayed at home. I got resentful. My husband had no idea why. His mom, after all, was/is Super Woman and his father doesn't even get off his butt to make himself a sandwich, so that's what he was used to seeing his whole life. So we sat down together and made a list. We listed all of the things he is responsible for in one column and my responsibilities in the other column. His was "work, take out the trash, change light bulbs" (and like 2 other things)... then my list was not only ALL of the household chores, but also paying the bills, keeping track of the kids' doctors appointments, etc... Once he saw in black and white all of the responsibilities, he offered to do more and started helping around the house and doing some of the grocery shopping. You both need to see things in black and white--- white board, sheet of notebook paper, excel spreadsheet, whatever works for both of you. Then figure out what you can do to help and what he should be responsible for. I can appreciate that you work hard all day away from the home, but just as a SAH-MOM doesn't want her husband thinking she is eating bon bons all day, you need to realize all that he is responsible for and decide what is fair for you to help with.

Our men are just like anyone else; they will do more when they get compliments for any little thing. I found that my man loves it when I notice anything he does "right" and his ego gets a boost when I let him know how wonderful he is. He grew up with a mother who did absolutely everything in the house and who picked up after everybody; she didn't work outside the home. At first, I had to ask him to pick up his dirty laundry from the floor and put it in the laundry basket. When he did, I thanked him and told him how much easier and faster that made laundry day for me. After the first time, if he left clothes on the floor, I left them there. If he said "you didn't wash my jeans," I replied sweetly, "they were'nt in the laundry basket." It didn't take long for his clothes to go straight from being taken off to the laundry basket. After I asked him to help with the hand-wash dishes and gave him the choice of washing or drying and putting away, I made a big deal of what a good husband he is and how I would have some time that night to spend with him as I wouldn't have to be in the kitchen as long. Now, he gets up from supper and washes dishes every night. I make a point to have the children help with some things as I don't want them growing up not doing their part when they share a dorm room at college, share an apartment, or when they marry. I believe the best way to get help is to do it with a sweet attitude, praise for any little help you get, and thankfulness. If you let a little bit of whining or belittling show through, the men get on the defensive and it's more like "I don't have to; I am your husband; you married me for better or worse, etc"

Why is your daugther in daycare if your husband is home???? That probably would factor into your budget as an unneeded expense. I am a SAHM and feel that the majority, but not all, of the house is my responsibility but not when my husband is off the clock. then it's both of our jobs. I'm not going to "thank" him for parenting, he's not "helping" me he's doing his part of our co-parenting.

This is a battle that will go on until the end of time... I'm convinced. Stay at home moms that DONT work still technically work a 70 hour work week! So GOOD FOR YOU for working AND maintaining your home... I know how hard it is. My boyfriend works a 40 hour week (5 days a week), I work a 70 hour week (7 days a week!), but I am fortunate enough to work from home, so I am expected to clean house also, while running the kids to and from school and taking care of a newborn... (it's hilarious, really)... Instead of constantly arguing and nagging my boyfriend to help out (since he's spoiled; I do give him plenty of 'guy time' and sacrific my own self time), I started talking pictures of all the things he SAID he was going to help out with or SHOULD help out with (such as cleaning up his own sh!t!!)... one day when I knew he was having a slow day at work, I sent him an entire photo album of things I now expected HIM TO TAKE CARE OF! He whined about it... but I completely stopped doing those things. It added up fast, and he finally realized that this house was NOT going to be clean and tidy without his help. I know that doesn't touch the budget issue (stupid PS3! I've been there too! Ask me how long it's been since I've gotten anything on my birthday... but HE can afford a 3 wheeler!) but I hope the suggestion helps your hubby get more motivated to at least give you a hand in the things he CAN do. Also, he may feel a bit demasculated in knowing that you will always make more than him (again, I applaude you!)... I'm not justifying his actions, but maybe try to make him feel more like a man... then he would be reminded that he is still the man of the house even though he can't be the sole provider... he can still man up and do his share (and help you with yours!)

If he doesn't clean the house to your specs I would suggest you let that go. Soooo hard, but don't make yourself crazy. At a later time, if you can afford it, hire help. As far as the bathroom......would he be able to clean it to meet your specs? Sometimes we ask our husbands for help but then we criticize how they do it........at least I am guilty of that, and then we harbor resentment when they don't pitch in. It's taken years but I have gotten better at letting go of some of that. So, I would consider whether you are ready to let go of some of that. If you are........ Then I would suggest you pick a day, like saturday morning, and split some house chores. Work together and get it all done like a team. This way you ARE on the same team! However he does his part, be happy with it. Then relax the rest of your weekend.

You can split days bathing your 3 year old if your husband is willing, but honestly, do you want to give up that time with her? My bet is you are tired after work and it seems like a chore, but in reality you might miss that time with her. If your husband could just do 3 nights a week, it would allow you some days to know you can chill out during that time without giving up too much of the good stuff. I think that would help.

As far as the budget.......do you have one? I mean have you sat down and created a real budget with guidelines that cannot be blurred? Maybe this would help you not feel resentful when your husband buys something you don't see as necessary... as long as it is in the budget. If it is in the budget you may be able to let it go a little better and worry less. Discussing cutting back and actually having a budge to follow are different.

I don't know that men are less organized, but most have not been taught to run a house. Whether it's that they modeled their Dad's or are a right/left brain thing.... so try not to be hard on your "wonderful man" and just kindly guide him in the right direction. In other words do your best not to sweat the small stuff. It's a lifetime challenge. LOL!

C., I have my own business from home. If you would be interested in hearing more about that contact me. It's something you and/or your husband could build on, and is affordable. You can work part-time towards a full-time income. If health and nutrition are of interest to you then let me know and I'll tell you about it.

Last, in regard to the PS3...... have you ever heard the old saying, "The main difference between men and boys is the price of their toys?" Yeah, it's a guy thing!

i'm going to answer from the other side. my husband is the sole provider. he works 72 hours one week and 24 the next. he works nites. i have a 5yo and 3yo. the are both in school. my 3yo p/t. i cook. clean, take out the trash, do laundry, feed the animals, take them out. take the kids to and from school. do the homework, etc....i try to not spend money on myself when unnecessary out of respect for what he does. however, when he's home he helps out w/o me having to ask. i'm home taking care of the house all day and he sleeps. i have the kids all by myself for the majority of the time, and it gets just as stressful as someone who is at work all day!!! sometimes more so. i don't ask him to do anything, but he does take out the trash on his way out if he sees it needs to be done and also gives the kids a bath almost every nite. he also puts our daughter to bed on the nites he's home. i see where your coming from but being on the other side, that is stressful, too. now, if he does nothing, then that's a different story :)