How Big Is Your Kid's Social Circle? Tweens Especially

My daughter has about three girls I would call close friends. But she also has tennis friends, e-mail friends (those out of town), choir buddies, etc. And That circle is closer to 20. She is pretty clueless about cattyness, doesn't understand why anyone would want to do that, and her friends consider her off limits for that sort of stuff. One girl put it, she's too nice so it seems wrong to do that to her.

She sounds pretty normal.
4th - 5th grade, some girls start becoming boy crazy, others still enjoy dolls, others enjoy books, games.. etc..

All above is just normal. Girls test out their standing in a groups. They want to be cool. They do not always know what other people are talking about, but they do not want to look out of the loop so they are not picked on or excluded.

6th grade, begins the middle school years. More girls start having their periods, again some boy crushes... especially the boys that tend to be more mature.. .

Again there can be a complete change in friends, especially if they move to a Middle School environment.

The classes are not so homogeneous, so they tend to be in classes with the kids that learn at the same pace as your child. Also if your child joins, Band, Orchestra, sports, Theater, they will tend to build strong relationships with these students because they articipate in more after school activities with them..

Let your daughter go at her pace. Try hard to just be a person that listens. Only offer observations or respond when asked.

Also allow your daughter to fail, to make mistakes, etc.. She needs to know that this is ok and she will survive.

You guide her by listening and being like Switzerland, neutral. This" is a time when you can answer, "well what do you think you should do?.. "How does this make you feel?" " How can you change this?" "What do you need to make this work? "

It is hard because we want our children to always be happy, to succeed, to not have any worries, but while your child is in your home, this is the time to let them figure these things out.

Allow her to be honest with you. TRY not to be embarrassed or shocked in front of her. . Stay calm so that she will feel comfortable speaking with you about anything.. Also be very honest about important information. She needs to know the truth from you.

To me, there is no number... that a child should have or has to have or what not.
How many friends they have, can greatly vary.
Some kids, don't even know what a friend, is. Much less, that is an acquaintance versus a best, friend.
Some kids, Tweens, think anyone they talk to or have in class is a friend.
Some don't. They know, who their friends are.
And there are, different circles of friends. In school, per any extracurricular things/sports they may do etc.
Just like for adults. There are, various circles of friends.
And they do not all have to mesh or overlap.
And in each grade and age, friends ebb and flow and change or separate. And that is normal too.
Because, at each age juncture, some kids really change or their interests or their preferences.

Not all kids, start up with catty drama girl stuff or friends.
My daughter never did.
My son does not.
It can happen to any gender. In varying manifestations.

I work at a school.
From about 4th grade, kids change a ton.
And some 'good' kids become, catty and icky and sassy.
Some 'bad' kids, mature and become less noxious.
It really varies.
It does not always happen in one direction only.

The main thing is, that a kid KNOWS themselves, and who they are and are grounded in themselves and like, themselves.
Despite, what other kids may be copy catting.

My daughter is a Tween.
She consciously is able to discern, character. And is able to make good choices, of friends. By observing and knowing, kids traits.
She has a good handful of friends.
She knows who her friends are, or not.
Who she can trust, or not.

If you try to keep up with middle school social politics, you'll go crazy. As long as she has friends, isn't being bullied, and enjoys who she hangs out with, I wouldn't care if my DD had 3 friends or 12 friends. SD had a lot of friends and was constantly "fighting" with half of them.

Meh... My daughter is 12 and in 7th grade.
She switched elementary schools between 2nd and 3rd grade, so she had an entire new circle of friends that year. One of them is still around a little bit. She also had friends in a challenge class (that she was in one day a week at a different school) and those kids are now in her classes at the middle school, so at least one of those kids is in her circle now.

But, when they start middle school, (here, that is 6th grade) everything changes all over again. There are normally several elementary schools that feed into a middle school, so there is a huge upset in the "status quo" in the social world for them. They may not have any of their previous friends in any of their classes. And may make and ENTIRE new set of friends. OR, they may have a few of the same kids in all of their classes. You never know.

My daughter hasn't started with the catty stuff, to my knowledge. And I'm hoping she will just continue to skip such things and be a good friend and keep good friends. Most of her friends seem pretty down to earth. The one girl that she was friends with a little before, and at the beginning of 6th grade, has sort of faded. I never hear her mentioned any more. The last I saw her at a social thing, my daughter wasn't hanging around with her, and she WAS part of a catty/mean girl type group. My daughter wasn't hanging with ANY of those kids (it was at a skating rink on a Friday, not a party or at someone's house).

I wouldn't worry too much about how many friends your daughter has. Mine has a smaller group, but not really ONE really really BEST friend. She has several Good friends, and they vary depending on what activity she is involved with them in. Some it is Jr. Beta. Some it is Band. Some it is karate. Some from church. Some from the reading bowl team.

And frankly, some people don't LIKE having a huge network of friends. It's a lot of work. Introverts (like me) tend to have a FEW close/good friends. The rest are more in the acquaintance category, and that is fine. Let your daughter be who she is, and try not to worry. :)

Hi, Sally:

Be more concerned with your relationship with your daughter
versus how many friends she will accumulate.
Teach her you to have the social skills to deal with all types of
behaviors.
Good luck.
Merry Christmas
D.

My 11 year old son has had the same circle of friends since he was in the first grade. He has six really close friends with whom he spends most of his time, and then a few friends he occasionally spends time with. He started in a new school this year and hasn't started hanging around with any of the new kids yet. The boys from his elementary seem to be keeping to themselves so far.

My daughter is also in 5th. There is one meal girl leader who gets everyone against one of the kids every day. Yesterday it was my daughter :(. I was SO thankful for dance last night so she could be with her best friends and forget about the mean girl.

So my daughter has 3 best friends, and a lot of other good friends from dance. She has one best friend at school, a little boy that we LOVE!

My boys have lots of friends, but they are 8 and 6.

kids are so different. in the tween years my older boy just had a 2 or 3 really good friends, and a wider circle of much more nebulous kinda-friends. he's very likable and most people who know him really like him, he's just a pretty self-contained person and always has been.
my younger is a major socialite. in his tweens he probably had 30-40 in his regular friendship circle, with 10-12 really close friends. that's why i always clutch my head when people solemnly pronounce that homeschoolers 'lack socialization.'
so the only good answer to this is 'it depends on the kid.'
khairete
S.