How Can I Enjoy My Children More and Enjoy Simply Being a Mom?

You don't say when you gave birth exactly so I assume in the last 2 months. Every time you have a baby, move or anything big you will need a minimum of 6 months adjustment time. Life will be havoc for those 6 months but it will get easier. Remember I also said minimum. It could take a year. Get phone numbers of mothers helpers, babysitters, or have you or his parents come help. It is crazy. You will live. You are doing great.

How old are your children?

I have 3 kids, and about a year and a half ago I could have written your post... in fact I probably did write something similar...

It gets easier. My kids are now almost 6 (in K), 4 (in preschool 2 mornings) and 2. The past 4 or 5 months have gotten to be so much better than we were a 8 or 10 months ago.

For me to enjoy (really enjoy) my children, I have to leave the house. I try to plan regular trips to the zoo, children's museum, landscape arboretum, art museum... if we are home, I tend to get busy with other stuff (all the things you listed). But, when we are out, I can really focus on them and enjoy them.

Also, I try to bake or cook with them once a week. We make cookies while the toddler naps. Yesterday my four year old and I made chocolate jello pudding. It only took a few minutes, but he helped (and decided we should add marshmellows - good call!) and was so excited to help serve it at dinner.

I try to bring a toy up (or box of toys) from the basement once a week (most of our toys stay down there). By having something new in the living room the kids can play together while I drink a cup of coffee and relax for a minute and watch them. I enjoy that.

I also joined our YMCA in Jan., and try to go 4-5 times a week. My kids LOVE the play gym and nursery. They ask to go. When we come home, I feel better about myself and better able to enjoy them. Plus, I love how much they love going :)

I let my husband do bathtime when we have time. He loves it, it takes him an hour (I can do all 3 kids in 15 min). The kids love it, and I relax and put laundry away and clean up while they enjoy some time.

Good luck. My husband is constantly reminding me to enjoy them since I am home... he travels and often works 50-60 hours a week. He has a greater appreciation for the fun since it's all fun when he's home :)

J.

Remember your children can help with a few things and will like being "big helpers." Give them a pair of tongs and have them put all of the dirty white clothes in one laundry basket. Then all of the dirty blue jeans in another basket.. etc..

Have them search through the laundry baskets in the clean clothes for all of dads clothing, then each of their own things, then baby brothers.. then have them "fold" them as best as they can. Once you have folded the towels, have them carry them to the correct bathrooms. Have them carefully place clean clothing in their own rooms.

No one has a perfect house. We all have a pile of clothes ready to wash or ready to be folded. I place a load in dryer in the morning and start a load take another out in the afternoon, then husband places a load in at night..

When you purchase socks, only purchase white ones for them, so you are not searching for pairs.. all of their socks will be pairs.

Start eating off of paper plates. Or serve a sandwich on a paper towel.
Try to make one dish meals. Keep raw cut veggies. If you are going to steam them, do it in the microwave.

Sometimes, just let things go and all of you go to the park. Get out of the house. It will force you to ignore the messes in your home.

Hire a high school student or a teen to come and fold clothes 2 times a week Have them make the beds up with fresh linens.

Try to organize the boys toys, so they can easily pick up and put away their own things. One basket for all legos, one basket for all cars and trucks, one basket for all crayons and markers.. etc..

When my sister was young, my mom purchase a sleeping bag for her to sleep in on top of her bed. My sister REFUSED to make up her bed, so the sleeping bag was easy to roll up and her bed always looked made up.

When they fight, place them in time out in to different spots not facing each other. . 1 minute for each year of age. Do this EVERYTIME.

The bathrooms are the toughest for us. I try to keep bathroom wipes in there and I wipe things down in the morning and again at night and once a week attempt to clean it all.

We used to play hide and seek with toys. I would hide the "stuffed duck", somewhere and daughter would search for it.. then she would hide something and I would have to search.

We played lots of board games and puzzles. I made sure she had time to play outside in the morning and again in the afternoon. Many times, we ate lunch outside so the house would not get dirty and no dirty dishes.,

Just stop what you are doing at a certain time each day and ignore everything except your children. Make it a habit and enjoy that time.
You all deserve to spend fun times together.

More power to you, it is tough! I am not a SAHM though I was home with my kid 3 days a week for a long time and I have a friend who is a SAHM of 2. I can glimpse just how challenging and draining it can be.

Can you get any help? A house cleaner? A mommy helper a few days a week? Family who can come help some days? Personally, I think if you had some assistance and relief you would be able to 'enjoy' the other times more. Can a grandparent take 2 of the kids for a few hours so you can do something one-on-one with the third (and then rotate who you do the special time with, of course)?

I know your hubby is working hard and giving it his all but maybe a conversation about times when you will have some time to yourself on a regular basis, even if it is just 2 hours, could be a great help. You would have something to look forward to in addition to having some time on your own. I know he may feel like he doesn't have an ounce of time but if it is something you could work into a routine, it may be easier than you both realize.

And for me, I also need my mom nights. Time with my friends helps me so- much. I go out after my kid is in bed and sometimes we just visit or watch a movie, sometimes we actually go out somewhere.

Remember, this too...this too shall pass. Everything changes, good or bad. It all changes.

Good luck and hang in there :)

I feel your frustration! I think we, as Mom's get into a rut and find it so hard to get out of... there are lots of great suggestions already, and here are a few that I employ...
simplify- get rid of some toys- give each kid a bin and they can choose which toys they keep, and they are responsible for putting their toys away. "Feel free to keep the toys that you put away". it will only take one time of Mom doing this before they get it and take responsibility for their things. An alternative to getting rid of toys is to have a few bins that you change out on a regular basis. Declutter your house- get rid of the things that you just don't need, but end up cleaning up day after day. It is amazing how much lighter and refreshed I feel after making a big donation- it does a lot for me mentally to have less stuff around to take care of.

There are a few non negotiables for me to help me keep my sanity- laundry and the kitchen. I don't let these areas pile up- otherwise it really affects me. I do laundry daily. For me, I find it so much easier to tackle one load a day verses 5 in one day. Plus, as a result, we need fewer clothes because they aren't piling up in the dirty pile between washings.
The kitchen in one that I hate to let go, also. I cook almost all of our meals from scratch- I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, so it is important for me to stay on top of it. Find 1 or 2 areas/chores that go a long way towards helping you feel accomplished or on top of things and keep up with those. Not everything needs to be a priority.
Try and work out a time, every week, where you get a break that you can plan on. I know this is hard with your husbands schedule, but really truly, it is so important. And no chores, no work- just something that refreshes you. That could be going to a coffee shop and reading a book, taking the laptop and sitting in the car and watching a movie- uninterrupted, going shopping, etc.
I strongly recommend reading Love and Logic (www.loveandlogic.com). It teaches you how to empower your kids to be responsible, thus taking off a lot of pressure that we put on ourselves, nagging our kids to do things, trying to get them to stop fighting, etc. It is respectful to our kids, teaching them self confidence and responsiblity. This tool has helped us immensely- and I have seen the results of how this works in families with older children- and let me tell you- those kids are amazing- responsible, empathic, caring- the kind of kids that I want! It sounds like your kids are old enough to help out with things around the house- being active members of the family.
Maybe making a chart for the kids- like chore chart of sorts- laying out the things they need to do everyday/weekly- would be helpful.
I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and got some helpful tips and ideas to help you enjoy your life and kids more!

Those chores are always going to be there! Your children might not be, so my advice and what I have done for the past seven years with my four kids, is enjoy them!!! Worry about chores later, when the kids are asleep. Or find someone to come in and help you do your chores!

I don't have much advice because there were days when my kids were small (now 26 and 21) that I felt just like you do. If I could do it all over again I probably would have let some of the housework go and cut myself some slack. But being a clean freak I pushed myself some days to where I would want to just cry from exhaustion. The funny part is my husband did not come from an exceptionally clean house and his mom was not a great cook. I loved my mother in law so I am not bashing her just trying to make a point that my hubby wouldn't have cared if things weren't perfect. My husband actually helped when he could but he worked a minimum of 12 hour days. Is it possible you could contact your local high school and hire a mothers helper so the student can come a few days a week and help you. She can watch and play with your kids while you get a nap, or take a nice warm bath, or catch up on something you like to do for YOU!! it can refuel you and help you to not feel so overwhelmed so when she leaves you are refreshed and not thinking about all the things you need to do. You can play with your kids and not be preoccupied with other tasks. Or could you afford a housekeeper to do the heavy cleaning so you just have to keep up during the week. I know someone telling me to let the house go was not going to happen so I think a housekeeper is your best bet. It really isn't that much money and it could give you the extra time with your kids you want.

When I got married my grandma told me, " as long as your bed is made and your dishes are clean, who cares what the rest looks like" With that said, I LOOOOVVVVEEE a clean and organized house, so I have set up a system that helps me keep almost every room in my house clean. And I still get to spend time with my kids.

First off, I don't pick up after my kids. My twins are 4 and my oldest is 7. They have chores, I also do not pick up after my husband, he is an adult, and well he can take care of his own stuff. If he leaves it there more than 1 day I pick it up and put it on his side of the bed. Yeah I could have put it away, but then he will start leaving more stuff out.

I also have days of the week that I do a specific chore. That way I am not inundated with millions of things to do, and after you set it up, your house will stay clean, and you will be able to enjoy being a mom. Because it doesn't take more than usually 1 hour of your time, minus laundry day.

So here is what I have set out:

My kids have to have their bedrooms clean every night before bed. We eat dinner at 5:30 they then have to go straight upstairs and get their rooms clean, brush their teeth and get their jammies on. They go to bed no later than 8pm Everyone gets 1 story read to them in their bed every night.
My oldest also has to gather and bring down all the dishes to the kitchen and wipe the table after dinner. My twins have to feed and water the cat and take shoes upstairs to the different bedrooms. They all have to put their clothes away. This is where I have a separate basket for their clothes and after I wash and fold it gets separated into their baskets and they have to take those baskets and put their clothes away.

Monday is laundry day. We stay home, I do laundry, and in between loads play with the twins and also teach school to them.

Tuesday is errand day, if we have any errands then we will go out and run them on this day. It is vacuum day too. I also have to go to work in the afternoon for my schools teacher meeting.

Wednesday is bathroom day. It takes me 1 hour to clean 3 bathrooms. I clean toilets, counters, bathtubs...we have the shower sprayer for the shower and boy does that work! I have not had to clean my shower in a year!

Thursday is living room and family room clean. That means dusting and getting rid of any clutter lying around the house.

Friday is floor day. All of the floors are mopped and vacuumed. This is the day that I work outside of the home (school music teacher), so it is the day that my husband does the chores.

Saturday and Sunday, except doing dishes, are days for church and play.

I try to get up an hour or two earlier than the rest of my family and get in the car, drive to the park and sit and knit while listening to an audio book. By the time I get home at 7am to drive my daughter to school I feel much calmer and ready to face the day. After dropping her at school, I come home and see what I might be able to accomplish before my 2 1/2 yr old twin boys wake up, because once they are up... my day is a lot like yours.

I TRY not to overstress about the condition of the house.. I keep telling myself that it will still be there once the boys are in school and also when all the kids are grown, but it doesn't always help ;-).

Knitting is something I taught myself thru books to save my sanity about six months after the boys were born. I also try to take a knitting class out of the house one Saturday every couple of weeks for an hour. The knitting is almost meditative, the yarn is soft and luxurious, and when I am done I have something pretty for myself or to give away to friends, family or people less fortunate than myself... of course it takes forever (it seems) to actually finish something... but it's the process I am enjoying at the moment.
By creating some time for myself, I do enjoy my family more.

Good luck and God bless you and yours.

As cheesy as this may sound, there are a couple of songs that I think of when i feel overwhelmed or frustrated... "it won't be like this for long" Darius Rucker (sp?) and "you're gonna miss this" trace atkins. As silly as it sounds, it really helps me to thinknof these songs. =D Seriously, if u haven't heard these songs ( or if u have) look them up on YouTube and listen... Hope it helps at least a little. And yes, the chores will be there tomorrow. Enjoy your babies, leave the laundry for later, let the dishes pile up for a day...

LEAVE THE HOUSE! (sorry for the caps). As long as you are surrounded by the mess of daily living, you will never find time for anything. So one day or so out of the week, leave everything and take your kids for an hour or so at a time and do something fun with them. It's about quality time! Sit at a park or library and do the homework with them if you have to. As long as we live, house work will always be there, but our kids grow an "inch" daily and before you know it, they are gone.

Oh, T., I remember those days so well! When #3 was born, my oldest was 3, and I also had a 1 year old (they were both about to have birthdays though). I thought I was going to die. It was so hard! My husband was also working on his Masters in the evenings after working his FT+ job (often 12-14hr days). Eventually, you will have a routine down, and it will get easier. I promise. BTW, #4 was a piece of cake (as were #5 & #6). How old is your oldest? You said school age, but I'm not sure if that is K or 4th grade, or whatever. I would cut out every unnecessary thing. You do not need to be running places with extra activities. Believe it or not, you may find that if you can bring your oldest home and homeschool, it will streamline your life and make it so much easier. You will have his help during the day with simple things, you won't have to do the school run, you can have piano lessons during the morning instead of after school, which helps streamline dinner time. You will be able to foster good relationships with your children because you will be able to correct them if they argue. They won't have such a strong peer influence on their lives, which is a huge factor. I know, it sounds crazy to think of adding homeschooling to your life, but I honestly cannot fathom the amount of stress and headache it would require for me to manage the calendar with my children in a school outside of our home. Makes my head spin! So little stress involved! Enjoy these days. You are right that they pass so quickly. My #3 is now 14. My oldest is 18. He graduated from our homeschool a year ago, runs his own company, works for a ministry, and is a huge blessing to us. I would have missed so much of his life and I find it hard to believe we would be as close as we are had we not had such intensive time together all these years. Also, we don't have any of the teen rebellion junk. It isn't normal to have that, although it is common. You can do things differently. And, you can do them well. One day at a time, start with the must dos.
I just remembered: I was at a tea with Michelle Duggar this summer. Someone asked her how she does it all. First, she said that she doesn't. She said that each day brings expectations with it. She held her hand about at her forehead level and said this is where they are. Then, she said that reality hits around here, and put her other hand about at chin/neck level. She said the space in between the two hands can be frustration. What we do with that space makes all the difference in the world. We can accept that it wasn't God's will for us to accomplish those things, and therefore, they aren't as important as we thought they were. Or, we can get frustrated and take it out on our families. What will you do with the disappointments of things not done in your day? How will you handle them? With grace and gentleness, knowing that vacuuming can come again tomorrow, or with anger and frustration at all those little distractions (the things that are truly the important things, like relationships and nurturing the children)? It's up to us, with God's grace, to choose the right response. Blessings to you.

Play first, work second. When you are feeling overwhelmed, decide on an amount of time to play and just do it - be in the moment and play. Then you can tackle your chores and hopefully be guilt-free. Whatever you can't finish - let it go until tomorrow.

You're just one woman, and the perfect mom is a unicorn.
http://themommyhood.com/wordpress/?p=368

I had my second baby six months ago and started feeling this way, which eventually turned into post-partum depression. Watch yourself and if you start to feel down (a huge sign is that you have trouble sleeping, even when the baby is asleep and you know that you "should" be sleeping) and get help!

I glanced over the replies so far and only found one out of 11 that even mentioned the children's father. Yep, hes working, he's in school, but he is also their father and your husband. Surely he, too, wants to enjoy his own children? So on weekends, he carves out time for him to do something with two kids while you spend purely fun time with a third. Or he takes the oldest out for special dad and kid time while you take the other two somewhere -- a kids' play, a park, etc., or you stay home and ignore chores and do kid crafts with them. You and he BOTH need to be enjoying the children so the children will in turn enjoy their time with you.

Don't leave weekends to be eaten alive by chores, chores, grocery store runs, his academic work all day because he's not at the office, etc. Absolutely he is working hard, and doing school at the same time is very tough and highly admirable! But you both need to play with your kids -- not as another chore that must be done, but to get to know them as individuals. It will pay off. Even if it starts with him spending the morning with two kids while you take the oldest to a "Music Together" class or tumbling class each Saturday, that's a start.

And yes, it's fine to give one kid a special thing he or she does with a parent that the other kids do not necessarily get! Give each kid his or her own "thing" with mom and/or dad and don't end up always saying, "We can't do this or that because ALL THREE kids can't attend, it would be nice for the oldest but I can't bring the baby along, it would be fun for the middle child but boring for the oldest," etc. I see three-kid families I know (and I know several) doing that all the time in the name of either convenience or "fairness" and it ends up cheating the children, as individuals, of activities they would find enriching and fun -- and it cheats them of alone time with a parent!

I hear ya, being a mama is very overwhelming, especially when they are little. I think everyone feels this way at some point, with the laundry piling up, the dishes in the sink, the fighting older kids, trying to get dinner done, baths, homework, etc. For me, with the house...it helps to have ONE area clean all the time. I choose our kitchen nook. Because its basically a table and chairs in a small room. But that table needs to be clean and empty and no toys around it on the floor, always. It makes me feel like I have at least something in order. So thats a non-negotiable. Then, I try to keep up with other rooms day by day, like one day I'll focus on laundry. There might be toys everywhere driving me crazy, and dishes in the sink, but THAT day I have a clean nook and most of the laundry is where its supposed to be. Then I rotate to another area the next day. I'm slowly getting the kids to help out too, like today my son was my super duper sock matcher upper (because he is young and has all new parts like eagle eyes and mommy's parts are older so he MUST be a better matcher upper than me). My daughter was my fantastic washcloth putter awayer because she's little and they are JUST HER SIZE! (mommy put away the big towels) :) They both have to help clean their rooms, which is another area I try to keep pretty mess free. Don't go in my master bathroom though.....(my poor husband) thats tomorrows task. I also agree that you need to take some time for yourself away from everyone. It'll put you in a better mood and overall you will be more calm and a better mom when you get back. At least I am. I splurge on a really nice gym, but when I go there its like I'm going to a spa. (except for all that sweating business) Also, try to get out of the house daily. My kids do so much better anywhere but home. Even if its just to Target or the grocery store. Right now the weather is great here, so we play outside as much as we can or walk to the park, ride bikes, etc. Or I take them to the gym for pool time during family hours. Or to the children's museum, zoo, bounce house, aquarium, etc. We have yearly memberships to all and they are my savior especially in the summer when cabin fever is rampant in this house. I also sign them up for recreation classes through the city in the summer. Maybe while your oldest is in school, you could take your younger ones to a class, they are pretty reasonable around here and many cities have rec depts. Many times the older ones go to class on their own (same building of course), and then you could do a mommy and me class for your new one at the same time. Or if they are closer in age, they might both be able to go to the same class. Even if its just an hour, its fun time with mommy and will make a difference. Hang in there, we all feel that way sometimes! Good luck!

Make them help you with the chores-everyone pitching in-kind of like a ....family.

I only have two, but I've been feeling like this as of late. My house got out of control after number 2 (well, two rooms ended up as dumping grounds for all the misc stuff that needs). I've finally dug us out of that mess, and now I want to enjoy my kids, but I feel like I'm losing a battle I will never win.

I know I have high expectations for cleanliness, but I believe that with the right sort of organizational skills, I can have a clean house and time to play with my kids. So, I've been trying to fly lady as much as possible: cleaning everyday in 15-30 minute increments. I do different parts of the house every day, and then two days a week I do a quick vacuum in the main living areas. I do a lot on Sunday while hubby plays with the kids. I also do laundry almost every day (I cloth diaper and we are a paper-less household). It's all just part of my schedule, and we don't have dirty clothes lying around. I just throw a load in in the morning, move it to the dryer before we head out for our morning activity, set up another load with rinse hold, etc. I then put it away at night or whenever I get a chance throughout the day.

I've also been trying to do more bulk cooking. So one day a week I cook up a storm, a roast or chicken that i then turn into 3-5 more meals.I then have lots of simple 30 minute meals I can take out of the freezer. Again, I do a lot of this on Sundays when hubby is home.

I still wish I had more time for my kids, and I've been starting to do more after they go to bed, but I keep hoping that as they get older, I will have more time for them (15 months, and almost 3).

You have three children. It is a given that all of them are special to you, each in their own unique way. Or is it? Do your children know that you love them for their own unique natures? Or do your children feel grouped in “the children” . . . not being (or valued for being) an individual?

One way to ensure that your children know that they are acknowledged and loved for being unique individuals is to allow them “date” nights with their parent(s). For example, let’s assume that your three children are John (8 years old), Jane (6 years old), and Jill (3 years old). You have set one “date” night each month with each of your children. On these nights, your children get to request what they would like to do on their special time with you. On John’s “date” night, while Jane and Jill are with their babysitter, you and John go to the restaurant of his choice and then to the new-release Disney movie at the theatre. On Jane’s “date” night, while John and Jill are with their babysitter, you and Jane have a picnic in the park and play on the playground equipment until dark, after which time you head for ice cream and a leisurely chat in the ice cream shop. On Jill’s “date” night, while John and Jane are with their babysitter, you and Jill go for fast food and then go home to play dolls (uninterrupted by the rest of the family).

If yours is a two-parent household, you will need to decide if “date” nights involve both parents simultaneously, or if “date” nights alternate between “dates” with mom and “dates” with dad. In the example above, “date” nights involve both parents simultaneously.

The frequency of “date” nights vary by household: in the example above, “date” nights occur once per month for each of the three children, so the parents have three child “dates” monthly.

“Date” nights should be planned in advance so that the children can develop anticipation. If a family calendar is displayed where the children can see it, marking “date” nights in bold colors (i.e., red ink) or highlighting reinforces the memory and significance of the upcoming event.

Children usually get to request what they would like to do on “date” nights. However, you (as the parent) must retain veto authority. Thus, if Jill wants to go to a fine dining restaurant, that is probably not age-appropriate, so you will need to counter-offer a different restaurant.

The most important aspect of “date” night, after all, is not where they eat or what they do, it’s that you are with them . . . just them . . . and they know that you know them, really know them, and love them for it.

Care4hire.com

T.,
I wish I could just give you my phone number to offer that you give me a call when all the stress is building. As mothers in today's world, it just doesn't seem fair. I hear exactly what you're saying. My eldest kids are graduating high school in a week and I barely remember anything passed potty training! When did they grow up? How could it be that I missed everything "in between"? I would be a hypocrit if I were to try to give you answers on how to enjoy your kids more along their path to growing up. All I can say is to relish those moments when you catch yourself completely engulfed in the wonders of a particular incident that draws your attention to something absolutely awesome that any of your children do...when they do it. One thing I did, albeit inconsistently, was to write down some of those cherishable moments so I could look them up again in years to come and smile, laugh, or cry.
I feel for you completely...and I know where you're coming from. Friends help remind us that the laundry will always be there piling up (if that can be considered a help), the dishes will get dirty daily, and there will always be needs demanding a mother's time. We wear so many hats.
Take me up on the offer. Call or write whenever you need encouragement.
In complete empathy,
Mother of eight

One person mentioned Fly Lady in passing. Her website is http://flylady.net/. I try (never fully succeed!) to go through her daily routines, which are similar to what other people said about focusing on one area each day or week. It gives you a system without having to create the system yourself. Tackle one thing at a time and be proud of yourself for that, then reward yourself (and the kids) by spending a little time with them. You'll find you have more energy if you don't try to do everything at once. Good luck and God bless!

I know time to read with little ones under foot is rare & sacred. But if you can find the time you will love: The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. SO AWESOME! I have read & re-read....such an encouraging & uplifting book.