How Can I Help My 11 Year Old Overcome Her Fears of Loss?

Are you guardians or did you adopt her? If she's not adopted maybe that's something that would give her permanency.

I know that the foster parent classes addresses a bunch of this when we took them years ago. It has to do with everyone disappearing and every time the phone rings or someone comes to the door that instant cold fear hits them with someone is here to take me away.

I hope the therapist you have her seeing is the right one that has great insight onto this fear of being sent away.

This poor child has been through so much, I cannot fathom the pain and the nightmares.

I'm sure you have worked with the professionals and you know that fear of rejection is so huge in traumatized and "shuffled-around" kids, and this will be with her forever. You have made great strides but there will away she something there. Structure is really important for insecure kids so they know exactly what to expect. Yes, they do test you sometimes to see how naughty or defiant they can be, to see if you will get tired enough to send them away.

I'm sure that someone else told you that, poor eating habits aside (which can come from neglect), eating disorders are very often a form of control There is so little that kids can control in their lives anyway, but a child who ha been a human ping pong ball and tossed around a lot is going to work even harder to find something, anything, that is within her own power. Eating, sleeping and bathroom habits are really the main areas they can control, from toddler age on. If the professionals have told you not to ever let her have certain foods, that's one thing. But kids who want a little snack food now and then are totally normal - so decide whether it's okay to let them cheat a little unless there's a compelling medical and psychological reason not to.

Now, all kids have issues with chores. So part of what she is doing is completely normal. When they start to get a little hormonal from 11 on, it can get worse. What can you do to make it easier though? How about a towel rack on the back of the bedroom door so that taking it back to the bathroom is not as big a chore? How about a hamper in the closet so that clothes don't have to come down the hall to the main hamper? How about a written checklist on their bulletin board or on the back of the door? Can you put a few hooks in the shower so that the washcloths have a place to hang and drain, right there under their noses? I'm not sure why the floor is wet - do you mean the bedroom floor because they are going in there still dripping? Or do you mean the bathroom floor? Are they not using a bathmat?

I love the idea of a ring or any other token that reminds them that they are chosen kids, chosen by you, and permanent. You could also wear a locket with their pictures inside - seeing the jewelry on you at all times might be reassuring!

But structure is also reassuring - letting them know that you have expectations and that's because you love them and know they are capable. They are members of your family, and that's what families do. I wouldn't emphasize right now that they will need these skills when they go out on their own after high school. Right now they don't need to think at all about being anywhere else besides with you.

I'd talk to the doctor who told her she has PTSD and discuss the issue of an "excuse" - has she said it's the reason she doesn't do stuff? Or is that your analysis? Are you all in family counseling? That can be very helpful for you in learning how to deal with them, and in understanding what they do and say - you know, what is an indicator of a deeper problem, and what is typical kid stuff. I think it will help as you head into adolescence when kids are struggling to find themselves and figure out how they fit in the world.

Finally, with all kids, it's about choosing your battles. For example, if the wet floor is the biggest problem, maybe let the washcloths in the tub slide. You could ASK them which is better, a bathmat in the bathroom and they do their drying off and dressing there, or a towel rack in the bedroom. Control is important but give them choices that you are happy with no matter which was they go.

I think the forever ring is a wonderful idea.

I also think you are doing a great job. Many, many blessings to you!

Two things to add:

1) have the therapist explain to her that even though she has PTSD this does not interfer with chores :-). Make sure you are in the room when the therapist tells her this. It will go a long way coming from the therapist and being said in front of you.

2) I think you are being very patient with her. This is what she will need the most. But please try to remember that her chronological age will not match her emotional age for a few more years. Trauma delays emotional development until the victim gets a sense of 'safety'. Then the person catches up quickly as long as they work through the trauma and the environment is safe.

Good luck to you and your family.

Your comment of "Sometimes you would think she tries to get in trouble..."

Yes, in a way, that is what she is doing.... she is testing you, to see how bad she can be before you send her away.

How long have you had her now? 4 years? It may seem like a long time to you, to where you have proved yourself now, but remember....she had been rejected over and over. It may take many more years before she realizes that she is yours, for keeps.....

I know a young boy who was adopted, then given up, and then adopted again. He does have a lot of emotional and learning issues.... but one thing his family gave him on his adoption day, was a "forever ring" ..... both of his parents wear one, and so does he.....

It is the Irish "forever" ring.... maybe something like that would mean something to her?

It sounds like you have done a wonderful job with her! Congrats!

wow! that's way more than the issues most kids have. how wonderful for these kids that your family has opened its heart to them.
this is about the age that my younger started going through what i call 'death terrors'. he's always been a deep one, and i've never really been able to follow the labyrinth of his thought processes. i tried everything i could think of that was honest and straightforward- science, medicine, religion, myth, but none of it could give him the assurances he so desperately needed. all i could really do was hold him and love him while he trembled.
now at 23 he says he still encounters it occasionally.
so i guess my response is that some things don't really get fixed the way we as parents so very much want them to. ali's abandonment issues may never be totally healed. some scars go so deep that you can tell her otherwise until you're blue in the face, but not root out that deep-seated terror.
it sounds as if you're doing a terrific job. i can't think of anything else you could do, other than to let yourself off the hook a little for not being able to fix it all.
my best to all of you.
khairete
S.

Fear of loss from PTSD and chores are two completely different questions. Self-esteem is a third question. It's probably going to take a long long time for her to overcome her fear of loss, if ever, after what she went through. I had some severe loss when I was little, and fifty years later I'm still not over it. The loss will always be a part of me.

As far as chores go -- it's completely normal to have to remind kids about their chores.

The doctor should not be telling her she has a disorder, because yes, she will use that as an excuse. I personally don't think kids should know about their labels. The answer to that is, "Yes, you might have PTSD, but you still need to do your chores."

As far as self-esteem goes, get her involved in something she excels at. A sport, a club, a hobby, etc.

Good luck, it sounds like you're doing a good job. Reread Diane B's response, it pretty much covers everything.

Is she being seen by a counselor or a psychiatrist?? Poor child. How horrifying. How could she not be messed up by this? Is she taking any meds for anxiety? Seems like that is what is dominating her life. She just might need some meds (I am not a fan in general of meds however, her situation is very different than most) to get her through this.

PTSD is serious, so dig in to what it really means, and if she is fearful and is saying it's PTSD, then it may be a REASON and not an excuse. Perhaps family therapy would also be a good idea, so you can work WITH her and get more info on the issues. Her private therapy is her private therapy, but you're all a family unit, so the additional support would help you all.

She's also going through puberty, which adds to the mix. The chores thing is a problem for LOTS of kids. She may have issues with executive function (google this for strategies to help with it).

If the doctor eventually recommends medication, do not dismiss that out of hand, but be careful about it - smallest dose possible. Medication, used correctly, can do wonders for anxiety. The brain's chemistry is affected by anxiety, and sometimes needs a "reboot". Her entire early childhood was a mess of anxiety - if medication can give her the ability to feel "right", then you should consider it. Because the weight of real anxiety/depression is terrible. It can also be part of the inability to follow through chore-wise - depression/anxiety is crushing. You literally have NO extra energy to do life-related things. She has an eating disorder, so she obviously needs to control something that feels out of control. That's what eating disorders are about.

If you have legal guardianship, legal custody, or have adopted her, show her the papers and explain that because the court has ORDERED this, no one can just come in and take her. It would have to be long, drawn-out court process and there are simply no basis for anyone doing that because she and her siblings are so well cared for.

As for using PTSD as an excuse, I can see a tween doing that. She needs to consider that PTSD can be her excuse to fail, but once she becomes an adult, no one is going to care about PTSD caused by childhood trauma. It's not going to get her into college; it's not going to get her a job; it's not going to provide an income for her. But she can CHOOSE to use it as her strength. Instead of feeling sorry for herself, she can use the bad things that have happened to her as her strength to lift herself up and show all those people who turned their backs on her what a mistake they made; that she is a wonderful person and it is truly their loss that she is no longer in their lives. Instead of "wah, wah" it becomes "I'll show you!"

Your "we don't do drugs of any kind" opinion is shortsighted and may be harming this child. She has a bona fide mental illness that affects the chemical make-up of her brain - no amount of walking or talking will change that. As someone who has had a mental illness since childhood, and didn't find the proper medication until 6 years ago when I was 38, I can tell you that you are doing this child a disservice by not at least considering some type of medication, even if it's only short term.

That said, kids this age are challenging in their own right. Daily reminders to do chores is typical practice around here. I think you might need to be in family counseling, too. Taking on the care of a child with her challenges requires special parenting skills, and you need to learn what those are. A friend of mine adopted a child from an abusive home, and THANK GOODNESS she and her husband had the ongoing support of the caseworkers and counselors who taught them how to take care of a traumatized child like that, they couldn't not have figured it out on their own.