My husband is upset, understandably, that I have been laid off. I’ve been with my company for 15 yrs and hundreds have been laid off since 2009. My bosses are all being relocated to other offices outside of California so my position is being eliminated all together. In fact our offices are closing down all together and we will not even exist in California by next year.
When I received notice I was of course upset because that means losing one income but it was a matter out of my control. I cried for hours.
After I told my husband he said I didn’t do everything I could do to keep my job. My question back to him was “Do you really think it is my fault they are being relocated???” He didn’t respond.
Then he said because I’ve been with the company for 15 I should demand that someone who has been there less time then me should be booted and I take over their position. He became sarcastic saying that “YOU don’t care if we lose the house and have to move our kids into an apartment and turn their whole lives upside down”. Going on about if I really cared about the family I would do whatever I could to take someone else’s job.
I told him legally our company could not do that. In fact in my lay off letter it states “As required by law, we must notify you that the layoff is expected to be permanent and that you do not have any bumping rights, which means you do not have the right to take another employee’s job.”
Still my husband says I COULD and that I just don’t care! I’m so frustrated and hurt!!! No matter what I said he just was angry at me and wouldn’t let up on me. My husband and I rarely fight. We are really good about resolving issues and compromising except now.
Please help me. What can I say to him to make him understand??? I’ve never seen this side of him.
I would say to him, "I understand that you're really scared. I am too. But I am simply not going to talk to you about this until you are willing to listen to reason and be kind to me in the process." And then I wouldn't. He is tantruming like a child and thus deserves to be treated like one.
Instead of engaging him in these conversations that upset both of you, I would just give him some time to let it set in. If he starts to bring it up, I would just shut it down by saying something about you don't want to fight about it and until you both can talk about it without fighting, you'd rather just not address it. he's stressed out wondering how on earth you are going to pay for everything now. You guys need to come together and get a game plan in place until you can find something else. I wish you the best. This is a tough time to try to find something else with so many people out of work right now. Good luck.
My husband did the same thing when I was laid off two years ago. Instead of being supportive and helpful he was nasty and sarcastic and kept bringing up how I didn't do enough to keep my job.
I think they do this out of panic and fear. It didn't matter what I said to him, he was still nasty about it so I gave up and refused to talk about it.
He calmed down later on and apologized. We ended up working together on how we were going to make ends meet.
Don't try to reason with him or come up with answers. He's being unreasonable and nothing you say will change it. Just ignore him and refuse to talk about it. He'll come around eventually and then the two of you can work together.
In the meantime get support from other family and friends.
My husband to this day feels guilty about how he wasn't there to support me in my time of need. We all make mistakes. Forgive and move on.
Yikes D., I'm sorry your getting laid off, but I'm sorrier still you are not getting kindness and support from your own husband.
Really you should be hearing from him, I'm sorry bout this babe, don't let it get you down, THEIR LOSS, we'll work it out, it's gonna be ok....
Afterall, that's what you'd be saying to him if he lost HIS job, right?
Another poster said he's panicking and I'd have to agree. He's SO worried about the financial side of things (men are like that), he's forgotten it's also his job to build you up when your down.
I hope you can kindly, patiently (incredible that YOU would have to be kind and patient and him NOT!) let him know his panicking is not helping you through this tough time, like maybe if you coddle HIM, he will notice how VERY UNcoddling he's being? He feels an enormous sense of responsibility financially, clealy, even WITH your income, so NOW it just seems like too much, he needs to lash out....
Sigh. I'm sorry y'all are goin through this.
Sending you Positive Thoughts and hopes you'll find the Open Window, now that there's a Closed Door!!
:)
I'm really not sure how you can respond to irrational. Sounds like your layoff and unexpected change of financial circumstances has triggered some unresolved feelings that your husband has about not being in control and not feeling safe and secure. I wouldn't be surprised if this relates to some kind of childhood trauma or stress that he has been able to allow to go dormant but not necessarily resolved.
If I were you, I would just not try to argue or rationalize with him at this point. He's in panic mode so nothing you can say will make sense and nothing that he's going to be saying to you will make any sense either. Don't take anything he is saying personally -- just realize that you maybe dealing with his inner child who is very scared and feeling very powerless right now.
After he has had a chance to rant and rave, he'll eventually burn himself out and will hopefully be ready to have a more rational conversation with you. I just can't stress enough to you how important it is not to be reactive with him right now. Any engagement that you have right now will have the same effect as banging your head against the wall or dealing with a puppy that's chasing it's tail -- useless.
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. Hopefully you'll be able to find another job very soon. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Good luck.
Honestly this is nothing to fight over. This is a time for figuring out what the new normal is going to look like with you out of work. Have you started looking for a new job since you found out the job was going to gone (rhetorical question). Have you signed up at various temp to permanent companies or with headhunters in your field? Have you spread the word that you are back in the market for new gainful employment?
Sure you could waste plenty of time over the would of's, could have's and should have's. You can waste even more time arguing over who was right or wrong. And you can waste even more time brooding over hurt feelings but honestly you don't have that luxury of time on your side.
Your husband listed some of his fears such as loosing the house, moving the kids into an apartment and turing his entire life upside down. This was his fears not yours. What is he going to do to prevent this from happening. Is he going to take on a second job, or ask for some additional hours at his current job. Is he going to down size his spending habits? Everyone in the family will need to do their part during this time.
You will need to look for employment. Before you are on unemployment get some understanding of what programs and trainings they offer. What skills will you need to update or obtain to become more marketable in your area?
The way I see it, you don't have the time to get him to understand your side. You have to focus on those things you need to do to reduce your spending while finding new creative and varied ways of producing income. I really hope this helps. I know it is hard to put your feelings in a box but how can being so emotional help you do the things you need to do. There is plenty of time later after you have found employment to be emotional with a paycheck.
I would say, "Don't talk to me about it again unless you can be civil and rational!" Refuse to talk to him about it AT ALL unless he can keep from blaming you and saying that you didn't try hard enough.
He sounds like a bratty 4 year old, not a man! Tell him that it's okay to be afraid or worried, but it is NOT, NOT, NOT okay to turn on you! You need to be a team at this crucial time and he tearing you down instead of pulling together.
It's funny, alot of responses excuse his behavior because he is stressed or worried, but if the tables were turned and you said all that to your husband after he lost HIS job, boy, it would be a nest of vipers up in here!
There is no excuse for his behavior toward you. You CAN tell him not to treat you that way.
I wish you the best and hope your husband apologizes to you and that you find a new job soon!
You cant make him not upset. Yes, he is being irrational but might be the only way that he knows how to cope with it. He is probably just as stressed out as you are about it all and is just worrying about how the bills will get paid, when a new job will come up and just overall everything. Give him some slack, he doesnt know what to do or how to react. Its frustrating but he will come around soon enough, just give him some space. If he starts talking to you about it just say, honey I understand you are upset, and I am too, that was a job you had for a very long time but there really isnt anything that you can do or else it would have been. You are just going to have to stick together to figure everything out.
This too shall pass, and something else will come up.
Sounds like he is just having a stress attack. I don't think he is mad, I think he is scared. I would let him cool off then maybe try talking to him again. Tell him you understand he is upset, but so are you. You didn't want to lose your job. Don't be defensive or offensive, just talk to him like you care and understand his frustration. Try looking for other jobs asap if you can.
I'm sorry! That sounds terrible.
I think he is being so tough on you because he is upset/scared and angry about the situation the family is in. He is thinking "THis cant be happening!!!!" and that is being translated into "You let this happen!!!" I think that you should wait a little for him to cool off and then start talking about options. Him being nasty with you, or you arguing your point with him wont help anything right now. What you have, at the least (or most) is each other.
On his point, if he wants you to fight for your job, how do you do this? Contact a lawyer? How much does that cost? It sounds like that would be futile, but what would the steps be if you wanted to pursue that option?
On the lets not waste time on spilled milk plan...
1)What sort of job placement services are available for you? What can you do to get a new job? What sort of job placement services are available? What sort of training/retrainign will you need? How much will that cost?
2) How can the family cut expenses? Everything from gym memberships to cable tv (yes! Hubby - no cable!) to cutting out all eating out and only eating the least expensive groceries.
3)What other income can you (or he) bring in in the meantime? Any part time jobs, temp jobs, night jobs, anything? Cleaning houses, walking dogs? Tutoring? House-sitting?
My husband and I have been in a "not great" financial situation for the past couple of years. Its been really disappointing to see our friends moving into nicer houses and going on vacations and out to eat (hiring babysitters!) while we sit home with portioned out sizes of the value pack chicken. But what I am really happy about is that the money situation hasnt messed with our relationship. What we have (cliche coming) is each other. We are happy and find little things to be happy about and grateful for.
Your kids might not like moving into an apartment, or an itty bitty house, but they will like angry, fighting, sad parents even less. And maybe you can get an apartment with a pool! :)
SHOW HIM ALL THE RESPONSES YOU GET to your post.
He is, displacing his 'blame' onto you.
He is being irrational.
They are CLOSING the California offices.
They cannot keep it open, for just 1 employee (ie: you), just because you demand it or just because you were with the company for 15 years.
This is not up to you. It is the COMPANY that decides this, for their own survival.
Your Husband does not understand.
He is making this personal, against you.
He has, issues and frustrations. And it blaming the entire existence and survival of your family, on you.
Does HE work or have a job?
Because your company is laying off employees, you can get Unemployment. File for it right away.
Him blaming you that you don't care, is really mean.
This whole thing is out of your hands.
And your Husband is taking out his stresses on you.
I think he sounds scared and while his reaction is not right it was most likely his gut reaction. My advice is to help show him how you guys can manage to keep the home and lifestyle, how you plan to attack finding another job etc. It's a scary thought after 15 years you can be tossed out the door and I am sure he is not only scared for your family but hurt for you as well.
Let him cool off -- this must be stressful news for him and you both. I am going to guess that he is freaking out over your financial future as a couple. As I notice many men tend to do, he is dumping all his emotions (fear, panic) on you, because you are the dear old familiar wife. I hope that he really does not mean to do this, especially since he sounds like a good guy otherwise (with you saying that you have "never seen this side of him."). Since so many men are not good with effective communication and processing feelings, he is, well, throwing a tantrum, essentially hurling all his feelings all over you, expecting you to take it all in and do something with it all.
Of course, since both of you are adults, it is not your responsibility to help your husband in handling his feelings. You reserve that job for your children and other immature ones in the home. Your husband is supposed to be mature, and I believe in most areas he probably already is (except for in the areas of communication and feelings). So, allowing him to cool off, so that he can try to sort of his own feelings, is likely the best thing to do, IMO.
Let him sleep on it for a week or two, then bring up some ideas on what the next steps can be. good luck.
I question the origin of your husband's attitude. He has to understand that your company is moving, you can't just change their mind. Are you actually without a job now? It sounds like they were giving you advance notice. Possibly a severance package and work with an outsourcing company?? I was laid off after 13 years with a Fortune 100 medical device company on 2-2-11...half of the salesforce was let go in preparation to be sold. I secured an even better, higher paying job that involved less travel seven weeks later. The jobs are there for those willing to work hard to get it. Use this time off as your job to get a job. I was sad for two days and then was determined to get something that was the right fit.
I, of course, don't know him and only have what you write to go by, but he sounds scared. Men I've known act like this, angry at you and unreasonable, when they are afraid. "Real men" don't admit they are afraid of anything, but getting angry, pissed off, blaming you, seems to be OK man-behavior. Having you out of work could be very scary for him.
He won't likely respond well to you telling him that he doesn't understand the law, either. Logic doesn't deflect anger well, in my experience.
I don't have a solution for you, except to give it time, try ignoring some of his stuff and letting it slide off, and showing him that you are taking steps to find a new job. Maybe after the dust settles a little, you could sit down and strategize about finances (severance, unemployment, COBRA, other aspects), but I might hold off on that for a time.
Apparently he's not in touch with what's going on in our country.
We have a neighbor who was laid off after 23 years with one company and DID move with them several times.
Another friend was laid off after 29 years! They at least allowed him to 'retire' but he needs insurance and at 50 something years old finding another job like that is difficult.
Another friend, high ranking executive, was let go without warning. The whole office was being 'reorganized'.
You need to find documentation of stories like this and show him. I don't think you could have done anything differently. He's being unreasonable and irrational, in my opinion!
He is just panicking (sp?). He just wants you to handle it the way he would handle it.
Ask him if he is more upset about YOU losing your job or HIM keeping up the lifestyle he is used to. If its the latter, then there really isn't anything you can do, unless you go out and find another higher paying job in the next 24hrs.
Sorry for your job loss. That is tough. Hope it all works out.
Wow, sounds like he's having an anxiety attack of sorts. I'd lay out your paperwork for him to see so he knows you dont have a choice or any options. But, mostly I think you need to give it time for it to sink in and dont discuss it with him until you can both be rational and not all crazy angry. Yikes.
Hopefully there is something else out there that you are qualified for, since everyone is getting laid off you better get your irons in the fire fast. Your husband seems very stressed about losing your income and he may have good reason to feel that way. I hope it all works out. Don't bring up the conversation again, but do start looking in the paper and online for another job, and definitely have HIM help you write out your "perfect" resume'.
Oh God.
So sorry for you!
Really.
Men can be such A-holes sometimes.
That said, I'm sure he's taking his anger at the situation out on YOU as IF you have a way to make it all better so it's just not happening.
He's seeing dollar signs going out the window and worrying how in the heck you're supposed to make it and not even thinking that you are feeling the exact same thing. This isn't just happening to HIM.
I worked in radio for years and sadly, the first thing that happened when the station was bought out by a new corporation was the new owners came in and let everyone go. It didn't matter how long you'd been there, it didn't matter how experienced you were. They brought in their own people. It was horrible, but back then, there was plenty of room in the market for people to find other positions. That's not the situation today. Entire companies are closing or downsizing and they usually start with the most experienced and highest salaried people first in an effort to save money.
Does he listen to the news at all or pay attention to the economy and the markets? What has happened to you has happened to thousands of other people and yes, their lives have been sorely affected by it.
This is no time for him to blame you for a corporate decision.
And, neither of you need the stress of automatically thinking the world has come to an end. You need a game plan. You need a strategy. You need to know that you will work together to get through this.
Like I said, I think he is taking his frustration and fear about what will happen next, out on you, and expecting you to wave some magic wand to make it all go away.
If they are closing down all together, what does he want you to do? Go sit in an empty parking lot hoping they will keep the business open?
He's being unreasonable.
I think it's panic based, but he needs to give you a break.
This is YOUR job you just lost.
That hurts.
Can he for 5 seconds think about that and not give you the guilt routine?
There are some things we have no control over and all we can do is make the best of it.
I believe his words about you not caring about this or that simply signal all the things he fears. His fears are fine. But he can express that without blaming you.
Things will be tough, but you need a partner who will lift you up and support you and make you feel good about yourself regardless of losing your job so that you have the stamina and presence of mind to really try to find another one.
Bringing you down will never accomplish that.
Bad stuff happens to good people. You can weather this storm better together once he gets his head out.
No offense intended.
Best wishes.
What ever you do don't start fighting back, it wont do you any good, When my husband...only income...lost his job a year and a half ago the best advice we ever got was don't take it personally and don't get angry with each other because it was niether of ours fault. He is under a LOT of stress now with being the only bread winner.
You have gotten lots of good advice. Will you get unemployment, and won't that help the situation a little? Perhaps if he talk about losing the house, maybe you are in too deep with your mortgage. Perhaps it would take stress off everyone to actually sell the house and get an apartment. Kids don't care where they live, or whether you own the grass they play on, plenty of parks around. It may be time (after a cooling down period) to discuss the overall finances and not just the lay off. But stay strong, of course it is NOT your fault that your company is moving and your job is eliminated. I would start networking and take the company up on any offers to job search or update resumes and all such things they sometimes offer when the whole division moves away. Hang in there, you did nothing wrong. When I got laid off years ago and came home crying (not during a recession and I had a new better paying more enjoyable job 3 months later) my husband (who consults and likes the "open horizons" of not knowing what will come at him next) told me to take it easy for a few weeks and get all the unemployment stuff done at my leisure, and then start looking for a new job but not to stress out, life will go on, etc. etc. I was still hurt and feeling defeated even with his emotional support, so I cannot imagine the hurt and anger you must be going through. Be strong and be the adult here, and let him simmer down but then kindly but firmly read him the riot act.
What a jackass! I am so sorry he is acting like that. My husband acts like that alot about really stupid things. It pisses me off to no end.
I completely totally HATE it when people act that way, they know darn well they are wrong but they wont stop!
Can't you get another job? I mean - I know the economy isn't great but I think with 15 years experience you should be able to find something. He's being irrational - unless you came home, said you got laid off and had no intention of ever working again?
Looking at your past posts, this isn't the first time he's expressed irrational views regarding the household finances. You had written that he doesn't agree with your charity donations during the holidays because "he works hard to support HIS family". So, you already know that he feels the burden of providing for the family. Maybe he feels the financial burden is not distributed well between you? Maybe he has issues with you not working more hours? It doesn't excuse his comments to you, but it does sound like he has some resentment towards how the responsibility for the family's finances is divided between you. Perhaps he needs you to tell him how you plan to address the lost income. Have you started looking and interviewing for another job? Will you be agreeable to a FT job? Have you gotten your resume dusted off?
It sounds like he is reacting to the prospect of being the sole provider and thinks he is the only one concerned with the sitation. So you need to communicate what you plan to do to allieve his worries.
He is probably just panicking out of fear. I am not sure anything you can say will make him understand. Are you getting a severance package or are you eligible for unemployment? Perhaps if you go through what your income will become and what your expenses are, you can show him it will be hard, but it will be OK. I would also start talking to friends, business contacts, and colleagues to see what opportunities are out there for you. The more you can network with people, the more likely you are to find something.
