I feel like I just came across as a major jerk on the phone, and need some advice on how to deal with this situation in the future, because I know it will come up again!
We live in an area that is predominantly LDS. While my husband and I were raised in the LDS religion, we have decided that it is not for us. We are still on the church records, and every time we move (or a new bishopric is put in, or new relief society, or new visiting teachers assigned, so really, like at least once every few months!) we are contacted once again to see if the new leaders can come meet with us. I really just am not interested. I never remember their names, and I feel like it is just a waste of my time and their time. I am sure they would rather be at home with their families. So this guy called and set up a time to meet our family with my husband. Then he called back tonight and wanted to schedule a time that I would be there as well so they could meet all of us. I told him that I was fine with meeting people in the neighborhood, but I wasn't interested if their visit was related to church. At that, he seemed befuddled and said he would talk to the bishop and call me back. I know that I get my back up and get defensive; I have had so many experiences where these leaders, or people in general, just get way too personal with their questions regarding why I am not interested in religion. So inevitably I cut em off from the get go. Any advice on how I can handle this more tactfully next time? I don't want to alienate my neighbors, but I also don't want to be receiving constant phone calls or visits regarding church.
Thanks, everyone. I have felt conflicted, because we are new to this city and I DO want to get to know my neighbors. I want my children to fit in, to have friends here. So after I got off that phone call with the church dude, I was just kicking myself, thinking "great, now I have been a jerk and they are going to write us off forever because I didn't want to visit with them, and we will never have any friends in this neighborhood"... which really is such a dumb reaction! The fact is, I would be more than happy for my neighbors to drop by to say hello, but when they show up in suits and the inevitable uncomfortable questions come out... or they are wanting to schedule an appointment to visit with us... It is just weird. Too businesslike. Come on over for a BBQ, lets set up a playdate for our kids, but leave the religion out of it! I appreciate the responses that helped clarify that the church leaders most likely have no idea what my position is, unless I tell them. I don't think I am ready to go through the whole removal from church records process yet, but I do feel much more prepared for the next time.
You could tell them you've converted to Judiasm? That would probably stop the calls...or increase them. :-)
Call the Bishop and say for the time being we're not interested. if that changes, we will contact you.
As one of the world's great pushovers, I was delighted to learn the simplest possible response. Try this in front of a mirror, with a calm, relaxed face, speaking with a calm, relaxed, or even mildly cheerful, voice. Imagine yourself talking to a puppy, or a refrigerator, if that helps:
"I hear that you would like me to __________. And, no. I'm not interested, so please be so kind as to take me off your list."
If the other person repeats the request, or probes for your reasons, just repeat essentially the same thing. Keep your voice calm and friendly. Acknowledge their request, so they know you heard them. Use the magic word "And." Don't offer a single excuse, because that can be used to wheedle.
Good luck. This really works. It's not rude, it's just firm and exceedingly clear. You'll be amazed at how calm and powerful you feel.
I would call and ask that your name and number be removed from the records so that you are no longer contacted. No need to explain why. I also attended the LDS church for a time, and when asked why I left the church I simply tell them that it was not in line with what I believe, and I discovered my true faith following a different path.
oh boy it's a touchy subject right? Well I am LDS and although I am very active now me and my hubby went through a time a few years ago where we were not interested AT ALL in the church and weren't following the standers etc. So I know how you feel. I am actually a ward missionary right now so I do have to make contact with less actives or people who have decided that they don't want to be part of our religion so now i can honestly say I have been on both sides :) In our meeting with other ward missionaries we do have a "do not contact list" and that is for people who have come out and said that they don't want anything to do with the church and to leave them alone. Now you don't have to say it mean but you can contact the Bishop and tell him you don't want contact and we will respect that. I know for me there are a few people who are not active and say that they don't want to come back to church but they are fine with just visiting me and maybe it's because I have been on the other side too that i understand to not be pushy. I befriend them but I don't bring up the church or anything like that. If there is something cool going on for the kids like the Halloween or Christmas party I will invite them but other than that I don't push the matter. So if you don't mind just getting to know some of the woman as just friends and nothing church related again you just need to explain that to the bishop. But other than that really the only way to be completely off the records is to be ex-communicated but I don't know if you really want to go that far? But I don't think you were rude. You need to explain where you are so they know not to offend you. I mean you could even say that you don't mind being assigned visiting teachers (cause they would only come once a month if that) but that when they come you just want to visit for a 1/2 an hour or so but you don't want a spiritual message cause that makes you uncomfortable. I mean really I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm sorry i know this can be really hard.
Tell them, that you have your husband have carefully, thoughtfully, decided to remove yourself from the faith. It was a very personal decision, that you do not wish to speak about with them, as it was decided within your family.
You respectfully decline their invites to have a talk or visit about the church. You have no ill feeling towards them, but it was the best decision for you family. Ask them to please kindly remove you from the church records, as you wish to spend more time with your family, and find that you are being pulled away by phone calls.
Also, if they keep harassing you, there might not be any amount of tact, that would get them off your back. You might have to end up being very firm and demand all your information be removed from their records.
I have to say...I know MOST LDS people are kind...but the ones that show up at my door and try to make me talk with them forever, while I'm trying to feed my son are SO rude. I generally have to tell them, that I am in NO way interested in the Mormon faith and ask them to never come to my house again. They would seriously come every day at dinner time, because they knew we'd be home. They even put there door in my door when I tried to close it. If your folks are anything like them...you might have to be demanding.
I agree with Jen get your name off their books. But if they call again for a meeting just say "Thank you for wanting to meet with us, but my husband and I have stepped away from LDS and are not at this time interested in participating in the church. But we welcome meeting folks in the community aside from LDS functions. Thank you and have a wonderful day"
I am LDS and they really care about you, I promise! Though it's true, some people will always try to be nosy or pushy, no matter the religion, and in an area of such a high concentration of LDS, it is very openly spoken about there.
However, if you keep your name on the records, the leadership doesn't know that you are not interested, they are just trying to fellowship you into the new area and see if you guys need any help with anything, and extending the invitation that you are always welcome at church. Maybe wanting to see if you would be interested in coming back.
I have been a visiting teacher to several women who don't come to church, but they still love it and want me to come, they just don't go for their own reasons, so the people who are assigned as your new teachers don't know where you are coming from unless you tell them up front.
If you want that contact to stop, you would have to have them formally remove your names from the records and request to be out on the "do not contact list", though it sometimes takes a while to get updated across the board. And just nicely tell your neighbors that you aren't interested. Now, if you have family members sending people to your house, that's a different story and you would have to bring that up with them.
I understand your dilemma. When they get new records they have no idea who you are or that you have no interest in attending. You will need to call your Bishop and ask him who to contact to either have your name taken off Church records as a member if you truly want to sever your ties to the Church or you will just have to contact him to have him take you off the Visiting Teaching and Home Teaching routes. Many people in our Ward don't want to be contacted and they are just not given out on those lists. It may be that a visit with the Stake President could have your removal started if that is what your family wants.
We no longer attend but aren't quite ready to be taken off the Church rolls and we really like our HT. They come each month but don't push a lesson on us, we just visit for a little while and they leave. I have NO desire to ever set foot in the church again but I really don't want to start the formal steps taken to remove me.
Honestly, when they start to ask very personal questions, I would just say, "It's a private, personal decision that my husband and I have made. WE would appreciate you respecting our decision and ask not to receive any more calls regarding the matter. Thank you, take care. Bye."
I am Catholic and my daughters have attended VBS at a BAptist church and a Moravian Church over the summer. Both have very nice people affliated with them. They both send mail trying to get the kids to go to their Sunday School. My children are happy at their religious instruction given by our Catholic Church, and I will allow them to make their own decisions about what religion (if any) they want to embrace. Both of the other churches are NOT pushy and have realized (slowly) that the kids attend VBS to continue to learn about the Bible and also other faiths. With that said, my old Catholic parish (transferred 12 yrs ago) still sends me letters telling me how much tithe should be given lol!!! My new parish accepts $2, $5 per week, whatever. Can't afford a donation? They always are looking for volunteers in different areas. My children sing in the choir and visit nursing homes and sick kids in hospitals around the holidays as volunteers----the church sends letters thanking them for their time!!
Good Luck!!
First of all, call and get your names removed from these "rolls"
Secondly, you must be firm. You are not coming across rudely when someone is not respecting you when you say "no thank you". It works both ways.
Fortunately, they don't come through our neighborhood much anymore but when they did, it was tough because they don't take "no thank you" for an answer. In my opinion, that is more disrespectful because they blatently disregard what you just voiced.
Sometimes, you have to be very FIRM and make sure it is known they are not welcome at your home. NO reason to answer any private question, you don't owe anybody anything when they are prying into your personal life.
Best wishes to you.
All you need to say is you are familiar with the religion and are not interested in being part of the church or attending services. Be polite but firm and just say no thank you if they want to meet. It is okay to hang up after you have told them no nicely once.
I agree with Jen...I would simply call the church and ask that your names be removed from the church rolls. I know that the LDS and RLDS are both very active in keeping contact with church members and so I can only imagine what an issue this could become!!!
Is your husband still interested in being contacted by the church or does he just have a hard time saying "No" when someone from the church calls?
You both need to decide on a way to approach this...practice what you want to say to them when they call on the phone...so that you aren't caught off guard.
Lots of good advice there.
And I will add just a little bit more
which may be a new way of thinking about this.
You've been encouraged to be firm, to just say no.
However, it sounds like you may have some conflict in your mind. . .
it might be about politeness, or about disappointing your parents,
or some tiny little remaining crumb
of "what if they're right and we're wrong" . . .
any of those or some other topic I haven't thought about.
In order to be your best "firm" and state your strongest "NO"
it would be helpful if you and DH have a conversation
together and see if there are any blocks in the way
of your being able to state definitively, w/no hesitation,
NO. Once and only once. NO.
Period.
Good luck.
Oh . . . . for the mom who suggested saying you've converted to Judaism.
Thanks, honey! We need all the help we can get!!
I had considered suggesting you say you've become Pagans.
S.
Dear Andrea,
You need to get your name erased from the roles. That is the only way to get them to leave you alone. When he calls back, tell him you would like to meet to find out what you need to do to get your names erased. I pray you find truth. I wouldn't be interested in "religion" either. It will leave you empty. There is something much greater than that. Blessings!
Wow. It seems that you are making the right choice by moving on and out. Say no. And if it upsets anyone, well then it will only confirm your decision. Say no, and tell them that you want no further contact with them. Make it clear and firm what your wishes are. You don't have to be ugly but you need to be honest.
C.
Why don't you have your names removed from the church records? Do what you need to do for that to occur, and then they won't know to contact you! If neighbors bring it up, tell them you're not into organized religion, and leave it at that.
i would just tell him I found another church of preference. and hang up
Just nicely and tactfully and FIRMLY say, "We really appreciate your interest in us but at this time, we've decided to seek fellowship elsewhere and we'd appreciate it if you would please take us off your list and not call us again." and then HANG UP. If they call back, don't answer. If your neighbors are THAT catty and can't accept you for who you are, then they're missing out on the WHOLE concept of God's love and acceptance. While I think it's VERY important for you to be involved in a church, if you are where you are at this point in life there IS a reason for it and it's up to you to find what you're seeking for. Don't be pushed into something that may not be what you both want for your lives. I hope you find it but DO NOT allow yourself to be intimidated - that is NOT who God is.
