My almost 5 y/o son is quite active, which can be difficult in itself, but lately he's been having huge temper tantrums, lying, and having a general smart-alect attitude, plus he does not (or rarely anyway) listen to my husband and me when we ask him to do something. We have tried time-outs, even spankings, and taking away toys and privileges but to little avail. I know it's always hard this time of year, with all the excitement of the holidays and his birthday coming up and being cooped up in the house, but I am just so tired of yelling at him! He is an only child and gets plenty of attention, which makes it extra hard since we have no time to relax, which obviously would help us to mentally deal with him. Any suggestions on mostly how to better manage my emotions but also how to deal better with his poor behaviors right now? Thanks mommas!
Thanks everybody for some great ideas! Btw he does go to preschool full time but unfortunately doesn't have any kids close by he can play with. I didn't realize that by changing our punishments that violated consistency, but yeah, now I get it! I like the idea of time outs and then 15 min earlier to bed for each offense, plus the good behavior charts, and I downloaded the Love Language book. I will check out the sites on the last post too, sounds very interesting and helpful. We did go for a walk last night and I think that worked out a lot of his energy and gave me some stress relief also! Thanks again to all of you!
does he have any activities outside of the home?
does he attend preschool or MOPs group?
how much interaction does he have with his peers?
if he's fully at home with you, then how much time is spent on academics?
All of these questions will aid us in determining suggestions for you!
Need more info, please! What's his day like?
M.:
The moment you start yelling - he has "won".
The consequence for the action(s) always has to be the same. When you try it one way and then something else- there is NO consistency. If you have consistency - you will find a balance.
I would enroll him in a martial arts class - yes at 5 - it will allow him to get the energy out that he needs to get out as well as teach him self-control, self-esteem and much more.
If he misbehaves - give him the warning about what will happen if he does it again - he does it again? FOLLOW THROUGH. No yelling. No screaming. Pick him up and put him where ever you have designated time out and DO NOT talk to him. If he gets up - put him BACK in time out. DO NOT listen to his screaming. Do NOT fight with him. LEAVE HIM ALONE. When he realizes that the SAME thing will happen. He will calm down. After his time out (5 minutes for him - usually 1 minute per year) - you tell him WHY he was put in time out. NO yelling. No screaming. And if it happens again? the same thing will happen.
I cannot stress enough in telling you - the minute you yell - he was "won".
Does this mean I don't yell? Unfortunately, there are times I do. My kids KNOW what will happen if I start counting from 5 to 0. My kids also know that once I give a warning - they KNOW what will happen.
When you feel yourself "losing" it - take a deep breath. Look away - something - count to 10 - and take a DEEEEEEEPPP breath!!!
YOU CAN DO IT MAMA!!
I agree with Cheryl! We did everything you did M., and then we stopped yelling and got consistent. Our almost 5yr old has now learned we mean what we say.
I will say that one additional thing that helped us was figuring out what really got to my son the most. For example, timeout suck, but he really really hates to have to go to bed early. So for a first offense he gets a timeout with a warning that the next offense he gets a timeout and will have to go to bed 15 mins early, with any additional offenses adding to that time. We had a few really early bedtime, but once he learned we were serious, he has gotten much much better.
Good luck!
We have an only boy too who just turned 6. I totally know what you mean about sometimes being the only source of entertainment when you are couped up in the house together.
Your son might be overstimulated w/all the attention you are giving him. Kids act up when they want attention, and they will start acting out when they know you will give them attention no matter what they do.
In addition, he may need a solid daily routine that is more challenging/brain stimulating. Buy a workbook or two at the store that will take him through writing, reading and numbers. Sit down and go through the workbooks at the same time each day, like homework.
Put him to work! Have him help you with whatever you are doing around the house. Make sure to give him clear instructions on his task "After I sweep under the chair, put the chair back in its place", etc. I always made my kid help me w/housework even if it was for 5 mins. Nothing big - moving chairs when I swept, getting a new trash bag when I threw out the old one, helping me fold laundry or getting all the empty hangers from his closet when I did his laundry. It got to the point where he couldn't wait to play by himself after he had to help me w/housework.
He is old enough to play independently for any amount of time. If he doesn't like it at first, have him play by himself in 5 min stretches, and then each day/week add on another 5 mins. Soon, he'll be playing alone for 30 mins at a time and you can actually have time to complete a thought.
I survived on playdates at that age. Once I started inviting kids over regularly, my kid started getting invites back. That is a great age for playdates too b/c when the kids are together, they don't want anything to do with the parents...at least that is how my kid and his friends were...and that was a gauranteeed 30min-1hr of alone time (of course you have to keep an eye on them too!)
gl and hth
The problem here isn't your son's behavior at all....it's you and your hubby's inconsistency.
The most important thing you can do for a child is to make rules, make them known, and stick to them. Rules broken should always result in a predictible consequence...and if that consequence happens to fit the infraction, you'll find that it carries more weight.
I strongly recommend reading "The 5 Love Languages for children" by Gary Chapman. I had some serious problems with my younger child because we speak completely different love languages. Once I learned his, it became MUCH easier to deal with his behaviors consistently in a way that he really responded to.
Best of luck!
Hi M.-
I read some of your prior posts to get a better idea of where you are coming from. I adopted as well and was VERY thankful to have my daughter. One of the best things I have provided for her is consistent boundaries and expectations in behavior (very, very early on). Don't feel bad about being consistent and having rules! Yelling isn't going to accomplish anything positive, you can't hand control over to the child. If he can't have a temper tantrum, neither can you. At 5 I would think he is in some sort of preschool (if only a couple mornings per week for structure), sport and be able to entertain himself for a while.
Good luck!
First, I want to say "Kudos to you for looking for better answers!"
Many very loving and very smart parents have never developed effective parenting skills and/or effective relationship skills. Every culture is different and there are differences of acculturation within each family as well. In the US we have become quite acculturated to disciplining with pain and shame and deprivation. From what I have observed, it isn't about 'time-outs' or 'spankings' or 'groundings'. These approaches have proven to produce limited and sometimes harmful affects, especially if used frequently or in even slight excess. It is very difficult to get the result you want to see in your child by simply creating fear, no matter how consistently fear tactics are used.
So, instead of trying to refine the shame/fear/deprivation approaches or make them more consistent, I learned approaches that empower, encourage, build respect, and dignify. I am NOT talking about building 'self-esteem' or a sense of 'self-worth' FOR them. Those ideas that were popular in the 1980's and 1990's proved faulty. I had to learn to think very differently about what it means to develop strength of character, not just how to get my child to 'behave' as expected.
My son is now 25 and I have worked with thousands of children throughout my careers in education and educational/developmental therapies. When he was 4, we could not figure out how to stop the tantrums either. My son is not perfect and we were not perfect parents. But, we are very close and we even get emails from people we had not met telling us we raised a remarkable son. There are two sources of guidance for successful parenting that I have learned to use that have proven themselves to be not only profoundly effective for children, but have empowered parents and educators in all their relationships. Some have reported that learning this way of thinking and communicating and interacting even improved their relationship with themselves. They improved the way their own internal language inspired, encouraged, and disciplined themselves toward achieving their own goals!
You can learn more about these two approaches at www.VirtuesProject.com and www.BeyondConsequences.com.
Just keep in mind that developing effective parenting skills takes time. We found The Virtues Project when our son was about 7. All we had was one book and we took it in a little at a time. Looking back, I wish I had studied it in earnest from the beginning. By the time our son was a teenager, much of it had become instinctive and I really began to witness the powerful effects of seeing children in potential for all virtue and addressing them as a mentor/guide in discovering how to employ those potentials.
One thing I have learned about parenting along the way is this: All religions teach that we should do unto others as we wish things to be done for ourselves. Having studied and used these two approaches and being familiar with many other parenting techniques, I can tell you that these are the two programs I wish my parents and even my grandparents had learned! They would have been much happier as parents and as people. I am certain that I would have grown up far better disciplined and empowered and ready to make the most of life.
I hope you find these thoughts and ideas helpful to you as you search for your answers.
I could have TOTALLY written this question.
I'll be all over the answers. Hope you get a TON!
Try reading 123 magic. It really helped us! Maybe also try a "good behavior" chart. Also helped us...putting shoes on rack, getting himself dressed, things like that.
Check out "Back to Basics Discipline." You don't have to use her tool of spanking if you don't want (but it seems like you're open to it), but you'll still get a lot of good information about why discipline is so important for your children - not just you - and straight talk on how to implement it consistently.
